AIBU to think that DM should know my food allergy after 40 years?

[Macncheesewithbacon]

I have had a serious food allergy since birth. Have reacted numerous times and nearly died twice. Now very wary, DH and DCs also careful with allergens around me (they eat it but wash up and themselves afterwards!)

DM and DF (divorced for 15 years) do not accept my allergy and repeatedly serve me food that could kill me. I never make a fuss and have always accepted it as part of a larger problem with the chaotic lifestyles they have.

DS allergic to milk and was violently sick all over her bed after she secretly fed him 2 bowls of ice cream despite having been warned. She found it all hilarious. After this DS managed his own allergy as I have since I realised age 6. I was shouted at as a child and called fussy. When I was sick, stomach cramps, hives etc they said I should drink water and go to bed.

Last weekend she served it to me again then when I refused she said 'Oh I forgot you don't like that'
DS and DH were furious and wanted to say something but I stopped them. Having reflected it does seem outrageous. She's taken me to A&E and been told I'm allergic! WTF?

So AIBU to think that after 40 years DM should know not to serve me a food that sends me into anaphylaxis? Or is it up to me to be polite and accept her forgetfulness as I have to date?

Thanks

Awful woman! Kind of passive aggressive.

Tell her you'll report her for attempted murder.

What a terrible mother

Hell, I wouldn't have been polite! You are a better person than me OP.

She cares more about how she feels than your health. To the extent that she'd risk your life.

I would not have anything to do with her and I absolutely would not let her have care of my children.

Your mother sounds like a sadist, quite frankly. I can't understand for the life of me why you still have her in your life. Also, you should not have prevented your husband from going full nuclear on her. She deserves it.

No, it is not up to you to be polite! They are a disgrace to the names mum and dad.

I wouldn't be around them and food. And don't cook for the idiots.

She's 'forgetful'. It's always been hurtful. I have a lot of siblings and she forgets very important information about all of us except the youngest.

What you need to accept is that your mother has no interest in keeping you safe!

You have my sympathy, I too have a mother who disregards my life threatening allergy - I never eat anything prepared in my parents' house.

Sadist - no but self obsessed.

Was very young when she started having kids and just kept on having more and more. Forgetful, chaotic, beautiful, narcissistic, negligent but not evil or sadistic.

Bloody hell! Is she bringing anything positive to your lives? Cos if not I would quit seeing her, she sounds insane

Andro - I've accepted that for a long long time.

Wtf? I can understand your reluctance to upset your Mummy, but you need to readjust your mindset. She is not the loving, nurturing Mum you need and expect her to be. It is hard but protect your dc if not yourself. Allergies can escalate. What happens when she slips some milk in hiseal because she thinks it's funny?

Macncheesewithbacon

and {wine} - it's a painful thing to accept (for me anyway)

No don't be fucking polite. That's horrendous behaviour.

She is endangering your life, and your sons health. FFS I remember the food allergies of people I barely know (due to fear of contaminating them) never mind my own family!

There is no excuse for that behaviour. As pp said- is she trying to kill you?

Jam- yes. She is vivacious, funny, warm, generous (when she remembers you) but totally self obsessed. Showers DC with affection. They love spending time with her. She never goes out of her way to hurt anyone just forgets not to iykwim.

If she finds it funny when she makes your son ill, she is not a fit person to have responsibility for him.

She didn't laugh at the time. (DB was there). She cleaned him
And the room and read him stories and cuddled him for 2 hours to check he didn't get worse then slept next to him in her bed.

When we collected him she made a joke of it 'there was vomit everywhere it was like the exorcist'. I told her off but she brushed it off.

"Forgets" my ass.

why would you be arsed with this woman? She literally doesn't care if her own child or grandchild suffers pain or is in danger of illness and death. There must be a hell of a lot of vivaciousness to make up for that.

You are clearly completely incapable of seeing her as she really is - not surprising considering she is your mother and has cast a spell on you. If I were you, I'd ask your dh to determine what you should do in terms of contact - I suspect he has a far clearer picture of her than you do and in his eyes she isn't half as vivacious, funny, and warm as you have been indoctrinated to think her.

She caused actual physical pain to your child - a vulnerable little kid. And to you. I would be so low contact with this woman.

Er, hang on, you mean she made him sick and then cared for him like a loving doting grandma? Sounds like she gets a kick out of making people ill so she can comfort them. And honest-to-god, if she's "forgetting" rather than doing this deliberately, then I'll eat my hat

Next time let DS and DH at her. She's in no position to say it's you being fussy if you have 2 more people to back you up.

And don't eat meals with her, or let your DS have meals prepared by her. It really isn't safe.

We see her about 6 times a year as a family. She lives abroad so when she's in England she organised family events DC are v keen to attend. DS and I watch our food and whilst we've gone hungry a few times he's only had that one incident and I haven't had a reaction due to her since 2001.

If she's seriously that forgetful, why doesn't she have a notice board/some other list in the kitchen listing allergies so she doesn't harm anyone?

I've never forgotten an allergy/intolerance that any of my, dh's or dc's friend have, but I still have a comprehensive list just in case.

Just wanted to say thanks so much for all the replies. Trying to answer questions as they come. Must go to bed soon but lots to think about.

Thank you everyone

Thanks andro - she'd never do that. Doesn't have a diary or an address book! Chaos rules. Her DH is a meticulous organiser, god knows how he copes.

You had a similar situation? Would you mind sharing your story? It feels very odd having put it 'out there' even anonymously. It's just part of a much wider picture of childhood neglect for me.