AIBU to think that DM should know my food allergy after 40 years?

[Macncheesewithbacon]

I have had a serious food allergy since birth. Have reacted numerous times and nearly died twice. Now very wary, DH and DCs also careful with allergens around me (they eat it but wash up and themselves afterwards!)

DM and DF (divorced for 15 years) do not accept my allergy and repeatedly serve me food that could kill me. I never make a fuss and have always accepted it as part of a larger problem with the chaotic lifestyles they have.

DS allergic to milk and was violently sick all over her bed after she secretly fed him 2 bowls of ice cream despite having been warned. She found it all hilarious. After this DS managed his own allergy as I have since I realised age 6. I was shouted at as a child and called fussy. When I was sick, stomach cramps, hives etc they said I should drink water and go to bed.

Last weekend she served it to me again then when I refused she said 'Oh I forgot you don't like that'
DS and DH were furious and wanted to say something but I stopped them. Having reflected it does seem outrageous. She's taken me to A&E and been told I'm allergic! WTF?

So AIBU to think that after 40 years DM should know not to serve me a food that sends me into anaphylaxis? Or is it up to me to be polite and accept her forgetfulness as I have to date?

Thanks

I think honestly people without allergies just don't think about them the same way. A dear friend of mine was about to pour nuts all over my breakfast the other day.

I would hope better from a parent though. I would have let your DS and DH shout at her tbh.

I nearly died from anaphylaxis a couple of weeks ago. Am now being completely neurotic about all food

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds horrendous. I would really seriously urge extreme care though - this is not someone who children are safe with, no matter how much they like her and vice versa. I would never leave them with her when you or DH are not there.

DM? Did you mean damned mother? Really, she's horrible.

Macncheesewithbacon

My story is slightly different is that my mother genuinely doesn't care whether I end up dead or not - I have been referred to as the abortion she should have had.

I have younger brothers, twins nearly 12 years my junior whom she adores and would never forget or disregard any information that might harm either of them. Unfortunately (for me) the food I am anaphylaxic to is one they love, my mother sees no reason why they should miss out an any way because of me. That was bad enough when she was open about it and ended up being violently sick just from the smell, but she will happily conceal it and has lied to my face. She has at least half convinced herself that I am doing deliberately to spite the twins.

She has put me in ICU 3 times, the last of which I very nearly didn't survive.

My history colours my views, but I honestly don't believe that a truly loving parent would see their child seriously ill and not take steps to ensure it didn't happen again. The other thing with my mother is that she knows I'm allergic, because my allergen is never served when my father is there...it's not a coincidence!

I ended up in boarding school after the twins were born because 'she couldn't cope with them and me', at least I was safe there.

Andro that's horrific! I hope you no longer bother with that awful woman?

She has put me in ICU 3 times, the last of which I very nearly didn't survive.

Andro she should have been arrested. So sorry for you - and the OP too.

JamPasty

I'm very low contact, and that's only because I like my extended family.

Andro she should have been arrested.

If my father had had any idea what was happening at the time, she probably would have been. He had no idea just how bad it was until after I'd left home, they're still married but that's only because neither believe in divorce.

She little contact with my dc, none unsupervised and my dc know they can't trust either her or my brothers. My father spoils them every chance he gets!

Good on you for cutting back on her. It beggars belief that people can act the way she does

Op. judging on what she did to ds have you considered. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchausen_syndrome_by_proxy

Id not eat at hers and distance myself

A lot of people don't really seem to understand allergies properly. However, I would expect a parent to understand their own child's allergy.
It seems a very odd way to behave. She took you to A&E as a child but doesn't remember not to give you the food that caused you to need emergency treatment.

Andro – that’s horrendous.

Macncheese: Look at all the words you’ve used to describe her: forgetful, chaotic, beautiful, narcissistic, negligent, vivacious, funny, warm, generous, self-obsessed.

Now think of some words that are usually included in the definition of a parent/grandparent: care, concern, responsibility.

She sounds like an entertainer, with you and your DC being the amorphous blobs in the audience, barely visible beyond the glare of the spotlights. Children and grandchildren should be valued for who they are in themselves; you and your children seem to only have value on her terms. It’s a very sad situation, and not that unusual. But there’s the added barb that she seems to have no concern about the safety of you or your children. What are you really getting out of her being in your lives?

DS and DH were furious and wanted to say something but I stopped them.

I don't understand why you stopped them. If anything you should have encouraged them, and supported what they were saying.

Andro that's terrible, I am so sorry to hear that you went through that. My DF is, if anything worse than DM but I am not in contact with him for other reasons.

OP, your DS and DP must be quite frightened.

What do you think it is like for them when they see you react, or think you might?

Why do you protect your mother by continuing to eat there, and stopping them saying anything?

Why are her feelings more important than those of your DH and DS?

Your mother is toxic. She is playing disingenuous games.

Step out of it and listen to your DS and DH.

They ACTUALLY care about you.

I've tried to discuss various things with DM over the years- there was a lot of neglect when we were kids and she refuses to acknowledge it. She isn't going to apologise or realise that she's wrong - she'll simply shrug it off so I just can't see the point in saying anything.

I'm sure it isn't munchausens, she certainly didn't like me being ill when I
was a child and ignored me and said I was putting it on.

Thanks for all the advice.

Her "forgetfulness" is selective if she doesn't forget important things about your youngest sibling. Therefore, she's NOT forgetful, just pretends she's forgotten something.

You need to listen to your DH and DS and if they want to have a go at her, let them. They actually care about you and have your best interests at heart.

Some counselling to understand the dynamic between you and your mum would be a good idea. You seem to idolise your mum, even though she puts you in grave danger. It's not good.