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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nursery isn't an essential rite of passage for my 3yo?

56 replies

lookingforthecorkscrew · 07/09/2017 16:32

3 yo starts nursery at the local school this week, he'll be one of the youngest in his class and I'm not sure he's ready.

His teacher is concerned about the fact that he isn't potty trained yet, despite our best efforts, and had SLT call us to discuss his speech delay (it is delayed but I am keeping a close eye on it, and it's coming on leaps and bounds every day).

When I first applied for the place I thought he'd be ready by Sept, but now I'm just not so sure. He seems so very young. I left him in my local gym crèche last week and had to fetch him within ten minutes because he was so inconsolable. When I collected him he was sad and withdrawn all morning.

WIBU to give it two weeks and pull him out if it isn't working? DH and family all v pro him going as it'll be 'so good' for him, but what if it isn't?

OP posts:
Stickaforkinimdone · 07/09/2017 18:13

I agree with the PP who said it's not great that he can't even go 10 mins without being inconsolable-that does seem a little unusual at 3
Given what you've mentioned about him having speech and language delay, and not being potty trained it may do him huge favours to support him in going to nursery-children who attend an early years setting at this age really do benefit in terms of their development

He doesn't have to go full time though; even just a couple of mornings or afternoons perhaps?

oldcrownie · 07/09/2017 18:18

Nursery or preschool is not essential if you can provide a broad range of activities yourself at home and out and about. The thing you can't replicate though is the group situations, being part of something bigger, having to share adult attention. Toddler groups and activity groups are just not the same because you are there too.
Like many things settings vary enormously and children are all different. A good quality preschool can have huge benefits, give it a a few weeks and see what happens.

Ttbb · 07/09/2017 18:21

My eldest started nursery today. I was very worried. We had tried a different one a few months back and it was terrible. He always cried when being dropped off. He was always starving when he came gone because he didn't eat there and they didn't make much of an effort to feed him. Today he ran straight into the nursery, not so much as a goodbye and was happy when he came home. It's just finding the right fit. Some children will be ready very early, pthers will need a bit of time or to try a few before they find one they like.

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 07/09/2017 18:26

Thanks for all the very helpful replies (except perhaps ones that simply state it's 'not good' that he doesn't like being left without any explanation - not helpful Hmm)

I think I'm going to see how it goes but be very open to the idea of pulling him out if it doesn't suit him. I live v close by so can easily dash there in 5 mins if I do get a call.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 07/09/2017 18:26

Nursery has so many advantages. Surely he has been for a visit with you already?

Did you post this the other day?

This is about what is best for him? He has not tried it so how do you know?

A Creche is not a good way to leave a child who is anxious without your presence? Especially when due to start nursery

Confused
Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 07/09/2017 18:27

I've never posted before. He went to open day and LOVED it, but I was there too.

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 07/09/2017 18:51

Well I also said I thought it would be good for him to be able to go more than 10mins without you but I thought my message was kind. Not sure what you mean by needing an explanation - you yourself have said he's not potty trained, he has delayed speech, he seems Anxious without you, so this might help his development.
I know it's not easy. But why not give it a try for a couple of mornings per week, it will help him to develop new skills and being with the same kids each day will give him friendships with other little ones that he can't forge at home.
I'm a SAHM of a three year old too so have empathy for your position

Stickaforkinimdone · 07/09/2017 19:22

Do give it more than 2 weeks though-some children need longer to settle

fuzzyfozzy · 07/09/2017 19:33

Starting something and stopping is tricky. I'd wait until it feels right. What about a childminder, socialise in a home from home setting, get used to being without you.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 07/09/2017 19:38

I posted on here not long ago over my reservations on my DC starting nursery.
Also getting pressure regarding it like you.

I'd say, you know your child best and what's best for them. Listen to what you feel is best.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 07/09/2017 19:39

QuiteLikely5-could be my post you are actually referring to?

katycb · 07/09/2017 19:43

Hi- I'm a nursery teacher and a mum of speech delayed nursery aged children. I'd try now and see how he gets on- the setting should look at options for phasing him in if he struggles etc. However, if he really doesn;t cope I wouldn't stress hugely about it and would try again in the New Year.
My twins have a language delay and started nursery at 3 at the end of last year... it has brought their speech on hugely! They are now going in to their second year of nursery really confident at chatting with their peers. I also wouldn't worry too much about potty training- He won't be the only one and the staff will be very used to accidents! I would say 2 weeks of half days and see how he is after that- I would give him more than just a few sessions as sometimes it takes that longer to make a difference.

Librarybooksandacoconut · 07/09/2017 19:44

Can I strongly advise that whatever you decide, you get him seen by a speech therapist if his language is delayed (your health visitor or gp can refer you if you decide against nursery). Although some children do just take a bit longer, lots do have an actual difficulty that needs specific intervention. The younger they are when they get help, the better the outcome and they are far less likely to have a long-term language difficulty.

EchidnasPhone · 07/09/2017 19:46

3 is so very little. I think the UK culture tries to foister independence at such a young when in many instances it's not right or necessary. Leave it a year or 6 months. He doesn't need to be without you. He doesn't feel confident yet and that's ok. It's not a one fit system & don't feel you need to conform if you have the luxury of staying at home with him.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/09/2017 19:46

Actually I would send him, not necessarily full time but it would be a positive for him to learn to be independent of you. It is fairly unusual (although not unheard of or wrong) for a 3 year old to be inconsolable when being away from a parent. It might help his confidence a bit, if he is a more anxious child?

SharkInThePark · 07/09/2017 19:50

I'd try it. He might surprise you. My DD was never away from home and also had very limited speech (hardly any two word sentences maybe 50 words max) but totally thrived at nursery when she turned 3. She loves it and is a complete chatter box (though that would have come anyway but being around other children did help enormously). Just a 3hr session a day and that was enough. If he doesn't settle within a few weeks just pull him out until after xmas/Easter without making it a big deal to him. I actually tried dd at a nursery a 2.5yrs as felt she needed peer interaction I couldn't provide. It was awful. I could hardly get her in the building. 6 months later she went in without a backward glance at me (I cried when I walked home though!). The huge advantage of nursery (and I don't think it can be replicated even taking them to groups etc) is peer interaction (finding their social footing), listening and following instructions from adults (without mum to back them up) and just taking on more independence.

Saysomething88 · 07/09/2017 20:00

My little one went at 2.5 years. She has come on leaps and bounds. 15 hours term time only is a short amount that made the world of difference to both of us.
She has just turned 4 and now does 20 hours per week with the option of all year round, but I'm happy not to send her in on school holidays if I want to keep her with me.
You have to do what's right for you as a parent. Potty training helped when she started nursery and her speech improved as did pencil grip and scissor control. But these are all things that can be done at home. I just struggled immensely and felt nursery could offer her something I couldn't. You also have to like and trust the staff in order for it to work.

MiaowTheCat · 07/09/2017 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

retreatwhispering · 07/09/2017 20:04

I would listen to your gut and wait a while. One of my DC started nursery at 3.5. There were no major problems but she was unsettled, clingy and unhappy. The 10 minutes without me were a challenge for her too. It was no more than okay and she needed quite a lot of support to cope.

We removed her and put her back in 6 months later. At this point she went without a backward glance, was happy to separate from me without prompting, joined in, was independent and confident etc. Those six months made all the difference developmentally. I'm so glad that we waited.

Gut feeling was totally different both times. The first time I just knew that she wasn't ready. The second time it was completely clear that she had enough tools to cope.

The other DC were ready at 2 and almost 3. Kids are different. Just listen to your gut.

HiJenny35 · 07/09/2017 21:00

I was like you and wasn't going to send my girl (she had never been in childcare and always with me) however I started her 5 morning a week 845-1145 m-f at a school nursery and I'm really pleased I did because she's just gone into reception and all the kids that had gone to nursery have settled without tears and lots who were at home have been really upset. Now obviously there's some kids who stay at home and then start reception fine however I felt like it got her ready rather than reception being such a huge full days, 5 days a week step.

MargaretTwatyer · 07/09/2017 21:13

Mine was late with his potty and had delayed speech and nursery helped both massively. He was dry and out of pull ups within 3 weeks and his speech just blossomed.

waterrat · 07/09/2017 21:14

The difference between nursery and a gyn creche is quite significant surely?

At nursery she will learn slowly thst it is a regular place with known familiar faces who she will have the chance to get to know while settling in. She will learn that you go abd that you always come back. A gyn creche is just leaving her somewhere unfamiliar?

I don't thknk 3 year olds necessarily need pre school but i would worry too much abiut the giant leap to all day school to keep mine at home.

Jezzifishie · 07/09/2017 21:25

Surely most children cry when left somewhere new for the first time? My DD has been in nursery for childcare since she was 9 months, so when we moved house and nursery (age 2) I expected her to have a vague idea of how nursery worked. She was inconsolable for the first month :-( She absolutely adores it these days though! I guess I'm trying to say don't let the crèche experience put you off?

BillBrysonsBeard · 07/09/2017 21:29

Hey OP, I felt a similar worry as you 4 weeks ago but it's been great. After an iffy settling in session which had me worried, he had a bumpy first week and then it was brilliant from then on. He is changing every week and his speech is coming on so well. They just need to get used to it.. the place, the staff, the other kids.. it will become familiar to him. It's been a month now and DS can't get out of the door fast enough! Only thing to tackle now is potty training...

But you know him.. delay him if you want him to be talking more before he starts. Even if he only went for 6 months before school begins that would be enough to prepare him.

fourfuckssake4 · 07/09/2017 22:26

I delayed ds1 from going in September until he was 4 in the December(started January) he also had speech delay, gromits inserted at 4 1/2 and even now threaten to glue his ears up as he does not stop talking Grin have you had his hearing checked? My ds1 is now 25.

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