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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To HATE this type of response

32 replies

broodynotbonkers · 07/09/2017 16:01

Got a feeling this is going to be a divisive one, but I HATE when I moan to DP about something trivial like feeling fat or feeling fed up at work and he responds with not comfort, not advice, but trying to change my mind as if my feelings aren't real.

For example...
Me: I've felt so grim and fat lately
Him: How much do you weigh?
Me: XXkg
Him: Haven't you been that weight for the past two years?
Me: No, I was two stone lighter when I met you and I was one bloody stone lighter a few months ago
Him: I've gained weight too
Me: Yes but you're 12 years older than me so it's almost to be expected for someone your age!
Him: I don't care about "expected", this is about how you're feeling, not how you look relative to others
Me: Well I can hardly ask anyone can I, everyone will just say 'no of course you're not fat' etc. I just have to assume the heffalump in the mirror is an accurate portrayal!
Him: So you're just feeling dysmorphic again?

FFS 'dysmorphic'... I'm not mentally ill, I'm just feeling shit because I'm overweight! I know BMI isn't necessarily accurate but I'm in the overweight section for my height. Would it kill him to just say 'of course you're not fat darling, you're just right in my opinion' or 'Maybe your weight's gone up but I hadn't noticed, you know I think you're gorgeous regardless'?! Hmm

Before you all jump down my throat, I'm not properly annoyed at him. Grin It's just frustrating! I don't want your man analysis, I want comfort and reassurance!

OP posts:
PollyFlint · 07/09/2017 16:07

To be honest I'd be much happier with your DP's response than a meaningless reassurance that everything was fine. I like a rational, constructive conversation.

Also, you say to him there is no point in asking if you're fat because people just say 'of course you're not fat' ... then you complain that he DIDN'T just say 'of course you're not fat'. He's not a mind-reader, you know. He is trying to be kind. By saying 'dysmorphic' he is saying that you're not fat but only think you're fat (and you think you're fat, because you've just told him that).

He hasn't noticed that you've gained weight and thinks you're the same size you were two years ago, so to him you are obviously just as attractive as you were then. He's being nice and kind and he's also being honest.

Essentially, he is telling you that you aren't fat in about ten different ways, but you aren't happy because he isn't phrasing it in precisely the way you want.

Nikephorus · 07/09/2017 16:09

I'm with Polly, you could have had a "you're not fat dear" comment which means nada, but instead you got a rational response which says the same but actually means it.

Glumglowworm · 07/09/2017 16:10

He's trying to be constructive and not just "there there dear" about it

You do sound like you're trying to pick a fight with him, arguing with everything he says. So he says something else to try and placate you.

SleepFreeZone · 07/09/2017 16:10

Ha ha I like his comment!

Original poster
broodynotbonkers · 07/09/2017 16:13

This is actually quite funny, not the response I was expecting but you all seem very sensible about it! I suppose having a bloke who just spouts empty platitudes could be just as irritating.

Maybe I'm overreacting Blush

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/09/2017 16:23

You're lucky he didn't react to Me: Yes but you're 12 years older than me so it's almost to be expected for someone your age!

wasonthelist · 07/09/2017 16:24

I don't want your man analysis, I want comfort and reassurance!

YABU for couching this in sexist terms.

I desired the same ( comfort and reassurance) from my ex-wife (I am male) but instead got analysis and free advice on all the areas where I was going wrong.

Aeviternity · 07/09/2017 16:27

Sorry, YABU. Commenting on your own weight is like laying a trap for the other person. They can neither agree with you (yes, you're fat) nor disagree with you (no, you're not) because both responses will earn them an earful.

It is also extremely irritating to others to hear weight whinges. Ultimately you weren't saying what you intended to do about the issue. What's someone supposed to say? What 'comfort and reassurance' wouldn't have gotten him his head bitten off?

When I decided to lose some weight, I didn't tell anyone about it, I read some stuff and altered my portion sizes and took up exercise. Without a big speech, Facebook updates or telling anybody. Because talking about weight is frankly just a no-no. Don't be that person. Do it quietly, on your own.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/09/2017 16:32

Yabu and you know it. If you want to lose weight then do it. Don't make a song and dance about it.

Quartz2208 · 07/09/2017 16:40

What response do you want though. I like his

0hCrepe · 07/09/2017 16:43

Sorry he sounds great, actually listening to you. Do you often say you're fat?

alittlequinnie · 07/09/2017 16:45
  1. You need to read "Men are from Venus and Woman are from Mars" or whatever it's called.
  1. I need to PM you to find out what your husband is called because I SERIOUSLY suspect my Husband is also your Husband!!!!!
0hCrepe · 07/09/2017 16:46

Men are from mars

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/09/2017 16:47

When I just want comfort and not advice, I tell DH this up front. He then can tailor his response appropriately! It sort of works for us Grin

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 07/09/2017 16:48

"Him: I don't care about "expected", this is about how you're feeling, not how you look relative to others"

Yes, this.
I think he's being constructive and wants to help you.
You won't get an answer you truly like because you're not happy in yourself.

LeftyScum · 07/09/2017 16:48

Read men are from mars, women are from venus. It will change your life.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2017 16:49

His response wasn't bad tbh.... and if he said the 12 years older thing to you....you wouldn't like it.

FallingOrbit · 07/09/2017 16:53

I think YABU. Especially with the example/transcript you gave. He didn't say anything wrong. He's probably just not seeing why your weight is a problem for you, chances are you aren't even overweight.

Unfortunately we live in a time where any human heavier than a bucket of fairy farts is "morbidly obese" and will definitely have a heart attack within the next four seconds.

You probably look awesome, to him and to others, if you're not comfortable with your weight then only you can do anything about it but I'd wager it isn't even necessary.

choice44554 · 07/09/2017 16:53

I don't like it partner says 'but I still think you like nice' or some such, as that wasn't my point!

I'm feeling grumpy about being overweight, what his opinion is doesn't change that!! My question wasn't 'how do I look?' It was 'why am I finding it so hard to lose 2 stone?!'

Original poster
broodynotbonkers · 07/09/2017 16:53

Ok ok, you're all right! waves white flag

This was NOT the response I expected but I'm pleased with it. I'd rather my expectations were way too high/strange than you all agreed he was being a dick - I can change my expectations! Smile

OP posts:
reetgood · 07/09/2017 16:58

I tend to your husbands kind of response. I've learnt that sometimes people actually want validation and just to have a whinge, so it's really helpful if you say upfront which kind of response you're after! Eg you might say 'I'm looking for reassurance/ sympathy' with regards to your comments? Different people reason differently, you can't always expect people to think the same way as you!

choice44554 · 07/09/2017 17:01

Sorry op didn't mean to make it worse!! Just been wanting to rant about my one for a while cos he doesn't get why I don't like his response!!

Jaxhog · 07/09/2017 17:05

My husband used to do this. It's a man thing. Men think 'sympathy' involves 'giving advice'. They mean well, bless them.

Mittens1969 · 07/09/2017 17:13

I agree with all the previous comments, it's a YABU from me, too, sorry. It's a mistake I've often made with my DH, who is just unable to not be honest. I asked him soon after we got together whether he would still fancy me if I was overweight. He said, 'I don't like big women.' He wasn't to know that I was a massive yoyo dieter with big weight issues. (I was slim at the time.)

So it was very much a loaded question!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2017 17:19

Can you imagine the poor bloke? You don't want people to reassure you Well I can hardly ask anyone can I, everyone will just say 'no of course you're not fat' etc.. Then you're not pleased because he doesn't just say 'of course you're not fat darling' etc. Even I'm confused as to what you actually want him to say and I'm as female as they come.

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