To HATE this type of response

[broodynotbonkers]

Got a feeling this is going to be a divisive one, but I HATE when I moan to DP about something trivial like feeling fat or feeling fed up at work and he responds with not comfort, not advice, but trying to change my mind as if my feelings aren't real.

For example...
Me: I've felt so grim and fat lately
Him: How much do you weigh?
Me: XXkg
Him: Haven't you been that weight for the past two years?
Me: No, I was two stone lighter when I met you and I was one bloody stone lighter a few months ago
Him: I've gained weight too
Me: Yes but you're 12 years older than me so it's almost to be expected for someone your age!
Him: I don't care about "expected", this is about how you're feeling, not how you look relative to others
Me: Well I can hardly ask anyone can I, everyone will just say 'no of course you're not fat' etc. I just have to assume the heffalump in the mirror is an accurate portrayal!
Him: So you're just feeling dysmorphic again?

FFS 'dysmorphic'... I'm not mentally ill, I'm just feeling shit because I'm overweight! I know BMI isn't necessarily accurate but I'm in the overweight section for my height. Would it kill him to just say 'of course you're not fat darling, you're just right in my opinion' or 'Maybe your weight's gone up but I hadn't noticed, you know I think you're gorgeous regardless'?!

Before you all jump down my throat, I'm not properly annoyed at him. It's just frustrating! I don't want your man analysis, I want comfort and reassurance!

Him: So you're just feeling dysmorphic again?

I was with him until almost the very end.

Unless, of course, you are "dysmorphic"?

Feel free to rationalise the hell out of it the next time he drops something on a toe or hammers his finger instead of the nail.

Men think 'sympathy' involves 'giving advice'. They mean well, bless them.

Not 'bless them'

People who give advice rather than sympathy often want to help or fix things. That's me, I struggle with 'just' sympathy.

I know exactly what you're on about, and it drives be (irrationally) batty! I go to my DP for commiseration or just to vent, and he immediately digs in trying to "solve" the "problem". I know he's trying to help, but I just want to SHOUT at him for it.

Would it be so hard for him to just say, "oh yeah that is a bit shit"?? THAT'S ALL I WANT!

Is Aunt Flo visiting? You feel fat and angry - that sounds like her

Well it beats the response I get -
me: does this look ok, I'm worried cos I've gained some weight recently
Him: yes I can definitely see the bump of your tummy
Me: please don't use the word bump, it implies I look pregnant
Him: (huffing) for goodness sake, that's the shape of your stomach. Why ask if you don't want my response?

He never says I look nice. Or says much nice to me at all, come to think of it!

OP it sounds like your husband is trying to help and reassure. I bet he says nice things to you all the time too. Lucky you

I think your response to him was worse. You didnt make him feel better. You told him that he had put weight on, that you noticed but it doesnt matter because he is older.

I am glad you have seen that your expectations are out of wack. You said, to him, you dont want pointless platitudes then get upset he didnt give pointless platitudes. He wasnt going to win.

Both DH and I have learned to warn each when we just want a rant listened to, rather than any constructive advice. And when we do want some helpful suggestions.

Sometimes we remember to mention this in the 'opening headlines', sometimes we have to explain half way through. In any given situation, it's always very helpful to know what's expected, even on those occasions when you decide that endless sympathetic listening isn't appropriate (when we are both rushed togo out) etc. It's about communicating with each other.

Anyone who really thinks that the preference one style of communication is specific to any one gender just isn't listening very actively.