Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ss contacting school

44 replies

Letstryagainshallwe · 07/09/2017 10:10

Before I start I get that I am being unreasonable so more a moan I guess. My ex has mental health issues, I haven't seen him in 9 months and he has no contact with the children. Apparently he has recently been section and has told the hospital that he plans to get "revenge" on me, to be clear I haven't done anything to him this is part of his mental health. Anyway the hospital contacted ss who contacted me and now want to contact my children's school. I am so humiliated. I get that they have to do it but it's a stigma either way and now I just feel judged and feel embarrassed to show my face there! I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Boatmistress17 · 07/09/2017 10:11

At least the school can be on board with protecting your dc. . .

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 07/09/2017 10:13

The children aren't at risk the threats are against me. He has never harmed them or suggested he would and he wouldn't turn up to get them anyway

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 07/09/2017 10:14

I get that it's embarrassing but nobody at the school will judge you. They need to be aware of this because if your ex suddenly decided to turn up and demanded to collect them, they can take appropriate action. It's for your kids' safety. Nobody will think any worse of you because someone you're no longer with sadly has developed a mental illness.

EamonnWright · 07/09/2017 10:15

The school will be used to stuff like this, I wouldn't be embarrassed at all.

dollydaydream114 · 07/09/2017 10:16

The children aren't at risk the threats are against me. He has never harmed them or suggested he would and he wouldn't turn up to get them anyway

Without wishing to sound alarmist, you just don't know that. You're not with him any more and you're not the team monitoring his behaviour and state of mind.

Surely you would much rather be safe than sorry?

Sonders · 07/09/2017 10:17

Protecting you is protecting your DC - in the very unlikely event that something happened to you, it's a good thing to know that there is already a plan in place for protecting your children.

I know that probably doesn't help the stigma your feeling, but I think it would help to think of this from a pragmatic point of view. Right now, you have a specific challenge in your life (section Ex) and you need to use all the tools you can, including SS, to make sure your children and you are as unaffected as possible.

Dawnedlightly · 07/09/2017 10:17

It's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's not your shame. Can you talk to anyone about the risks and ramifications. What would happen if you refused permission. My feeling is that school should know. But it's no stigma on you at all Flowers

dollydaydream114 · 07/09/2017 10:19

the threats are against me

But one of the ways in which men try to hurt or get 'revenge' on women is, very commonly, to try and take or harm their children.

Dreamscared · 07/09/2017 10:20

This is not embarrassing in the least it is a good thing. The school will be used to stuff like this and SS and the school are ensuring your children's safety.

Honestly you can't know what your mentally ill ex could do.

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 07/09/2017 10:28

I just worry they won't make it clear why ss have concerns iyswim the woman said to me can she contact the school to see if they have any concerns on the children and if they don't she's happy to leave it there. But will that mean she just contacts them and asks if they have any concerns but doesn't tell them why or that it's about my ex and not me, I say he won't get the kids as he didn't even bother with them when we were talking he literally has no interest in them.

OP posts:
booellesmum · 07/09/2017 10:33

I would speak to the school myself. Explain the situation and tell them SS may contact them. Ask them to let you know if your ex makes any contact with school.
It looks like getting school on board and informed will be best for you and DC in the long run.

Dreamscared · 07/09/2017 10:34

They should tell the school the reason they are contacting (safeguarding officer)

Tbh to avoid any hassle I would be tempted to speak to school myself and explain that SS may contact them as ex has mental health issues and has made some threats to you.

I've been in a similar situation. Believe me they've seen it all before.

Dreamscared · 07/09/2017 10:35

X post boo but agree fully

BlackeyedSusan · 07/09/2017 10:37

Ring the school yourself. then you tell them why sc will be contacting the school.

quercuscircus · 07/09/2017 10:39

This must be such a hard time for you. Try to remember that no one should be judging you or your ex for an illness he has developed. And you aren't responsible.

I'm sure they will just want to support you and make sure they are aware of the potential risks. He is obviously not in his right mind so it is better to prepare for all situations just in case.

Try to embrace the help as a positive thing. Hold your head up x

quercuscircus · 07/09/2017 10:42

X post - yes I agree. Go in and speak to the school first so there are no crossed wires.

PollyFlint · 07/09/2017 10:44

I just worry they won't make it clear why ss have concerns iyswim

I think the best thing would be for you to speak to the school yourself and explain that your ex is mentally ill and has been sectioned and has made some threats - and that for that reason, they may get a call from social services. You can explain everything to the school that you've explained to us - ie that you don't think your ex is a danger and that he's had no contact with your children for a long time, but that SS understandably feel the school should perhaps be aware just in case.

The school will absolutely not judge you and I do think it's best that they know the situation. As PPs have said, you haven't had contact with your ex for a long time and don't really know his state of mind or intentions, so it's better to be safe.

I can see why you're upset and feel embarrassed, but the school will absolutely know none of this is your fault. Your ex is ill - you can't help that and they will understand.

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 07/09/2017 10:44

Who do I ask to speak to? Sorry if that's a silly question this is all new to me! But yes speaking to them myself will make me feel better.

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 07/09/2017 10:45

They won't judge you, and you'd be surprised how many kids in an average sized school have something like this, it's more common than you'd know. I agree with pp, ring the school and ask for a meeting with the safeguarding teacher and tell them yourself, then you can be reassured that they know it's not any reflection on you or your parenting, just that your ex is mentally ill. Better safe than sorry. Honestly you have nothing to feel ashamed of.

Notevilstepmother · 07/09/2017 10:46

Whoever is in charge of safeguarding. Usually it's a deputy head. It should tell you on their website who it is.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 07/09/2017 10:46

Unfortunately this is quite common Sad

There has nothing to do with your parenting, don't feel embarrassed.

Contact the school and explain the situation, take a photo of your ex and make sure the children never go home with him,

NoProblemForMe · 07/09/2017 10:47

Sometimes the authorities can't win. This is how 'joined up' care is supposed to work with people exchanging safeguarding information.

As has been mentioned, your ex might decide to harm the children in order to hurt you. You can't know what his intentions are so let the professionals do their job. Like PPs have said, tell the school that SS might be in touch due to the threats made against you.

Miserylovescompany2 · 07/09/2017 10:49

Like other pp, I agree - speak to the school. Or alternatively, you could email or write to them. No-one will be judging you. Children's services will only be following protocol.

It's good they are on the ball...

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2017 10:51

If you're at risk then so are the children. What if he harmed you in front of them. I would be relieved the authorities are trying to keep your children safe.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 07/09/2017 10:51

Definitely speak to school yourself. Your feelings of humiliation and embarrassment (completely unwarranted) are because you feel you've no control and are worried about what they might think.

Just be matter of fact about the situation "ex has mental health issues and there were concerns about some threatening comments. SS were notified to be on the safe side and I understand they may be in contact with you". That's it, no need for lots of detail, nothing to apologise for. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about this Op Flowers they'll have heard it all before and far worse besides.

Swipe left for the next trending thread