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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ss contacting school

44 replies

Letstryagainshallwe · 07/09/2017 10:10

Before I start I get that I am being unreasonable so more a moan I guess. My ex has mental health issues, I haven't seen him in 9 months and he has no contact with the children. Apparently he has recently been section and has told the hospital that he plans to get "revenge" on me, to be clear I haven't done anything to him this is part of his mental health. Anyway the hospital contacted ss who contacted me and now want to contact my children's school. I am so humiliated. I get that they have to do it but it's a stigma either way and now I just feel judged and feel embarrassed to show my face there! I'm so upset.

OP posts:

Boatmistress17 · 07/09/2017 10:54

The thing about exh ime is they are full of surprises and mostly bad ones. .
My exh stood by while me ds 13 took and dealt drugs from his property and I was the bad guy for involving the police. .
Never underestimate a twat imo. .

Maudlinmaud · 07/09/2017 10:55

Op this isn't uncommon and you have no reason to feel embarrassed. The social worker has to speak to school in this instance. Your ex is unwell and although the threats are against you, I suppose in theory he could hurt you by hurting the children. Absolutely give the school a heads up by speaking to them. The principal and the children's teacher would be a good place to start.

Miserylovescompany2 · 07/09/2017 10:55

You contact the head teacher via the receptionist - You should be able to either make an appointment or arrange to have them call you back. They in turn will make the relevant staff aware.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/09/2017 10:55

Take charge!!!!

This is all GOOD.

Ask for a meeting with the school - preferably Head and/or children's teachers. Explain the entire situation - that although the children have no contact with your ex and therefore there is, in your opinion, very litle risk - he has been sectioned, is clearly mentally ill and as part of that he has made unspecified threats against you. Fortunately SS are taking it seriously as there are children involved and you are in contact with both them and the hospital so that you can be aware of any potential issues for you and the children (eg whether he is being moved or released, what he is saying, they will be letting you know whether he comes off section etc.). You've called this meeting to let them know that a:

you wish to have it put on their records that your Ex is specifically NOT allowed to pick them up from school and if he comes to the school you are to be called immediately;

-you are letting them know that SS have said that they will be calling the school, so this is just a heads up - you don't know what they will be asking about, presumably whether the school environment is safe, whether your ex can pick them up etc. So, just to let them know that SS may call to make a general enquiry about both the children.

This will make you look in control and on the ball and if SS call and just ask about the children in general it will make sense and NOT make you look like there is an issue at home!

It will also be great if SS contact the school and the Head/teachers will say 'Oh yes, we have already had a meeting with Mrs Letstry who has made us aware of the situation and stressed that Ex is NOT to pick them up or have any contact etc.' - you will look proactive in caring for the children and totally in control of the situation.

Finally, he has made threats - it may be a very outside chance but best not to take the risk. It's good that SS are taking it seriously and offerign support if needed.

TheRealMrsClarkson · 07/09/2017 10:57

Just to reintereate what other have said. I would speak to the school, both the head & children's teachers individually.

Many people have mental health problems, hopefully your ex is now recieving the help & care his needs.

SS & the school are looking out for you & your children. Be open & relay the facts as detailed here. It just raises their awareness in case anything should happen, if nothing happens, there's nothing to worry about.

You will not be judged. Mental ill health is nothing to be ashamed of.

Original poster

Letstryagainshallwe · 07/09/2017 11:01

The social worker kept saying the mother of his child, when referring to what ex has said. I have his children and he has a child from a previous relationship. I asked if it was possible he was referring to her due to that so she said she would try to find out more details and get back to me.
It's just obviously the children have just started back at school and with new teachers and the first thing they will know or hear about me is I have an ex with metal health issues and have ss involvement :( struggling to not feel bad.

OP posts:

Maudlinmaud · 07/09/2017 11:05

Please please listen and believe me nobody will judge you because of this. I understand your fears but honestly this is fairly common and the school will only be concerned about having safety measures in place.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/09/2017 11:05

They won't judge you - they'll judge your ex. I get that it's upsetting that other people know your business, but these are all people on your side, and wanting to keep you and your DC safe. You want as many people on your side! Please do try to embrace their help, and see it as a good and positive thing.

(And believe me, everyone involved will have seen it all before, too.)

cestlavielife · 07/09/2017 11:07

it s nothing to be ashamed of they can support you.
this is about your ex issues...but engage with them and see how you can be supported.
the children are at risk because if your ex kills you then who will look after the DC? SS will need to be involved then.

cestlavielife · 07/09/2017 11:12

also school need to be aware in case he turns up trying to see the DC . they need to know what the situation is. also the Dc teachers need to be aware in case your DC show any behaviour etc which could be due to the situation.
or maybe they asked to do a family tree etc. they need to be sensitive to their situation. everyone is there to help you and DC. it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2017 11:13

They won't judge you. That is not their job. Their job is to keep your children safe whilst under the responsibility of the school. Moreover, he is your ex. Not your partner. You are not responsible for his actions. As others have said, it is a good thing to join everything up. And I would definitely contact the person in charge of safeguarding at your school.

Oldraver · 07/09/2017 11:13

I would speak to the safeguarding officer and explain your EX has made threats to 'the mother of his child' and that SS will be contacting them.

I would try and put plans in place that he has no contact with them via the school or is able to pick them up...if that is possible Does he have PR ?. I know you said your ex wouldn't be interested in the children, but with hos mental state would it be possible to get at you through the children ? Sorry dont want to worry you

eyebrowsonfleek · 07/09/2017 11:17

Don't think the school will judge you but revenge against you could involve hurting the school so I think it's great that SS have warned the school.

Dads with parental responsibilities can turn up at school and take the kids without your permission. The kids will be safer if they know not to hand the kids over to your ex.

mindutopia · 07/09/2017 11:18

This sounds like a really wise move on the part of ss and I think you shouldn't be worried it will be any sort of reflection on you. Actually, I would be grateful they were involved in this situation as the school's job is to be involved in safeguarding and if he was to ever show up at the school or try to meet you at the school gate (presumably it's a place he knows he can find you every day), you would want them to be aware and be able to help you and keep your children safe. It shouldn't feel like a stigma on you. I would like others have suggested make an appointment to speak to the school yourselves about this and get them on board so there is open communication between all of you. Honestly, we have family members who we have had some concerns in the past about whether they might show up at our daughter's school (no ss involvement, no direct threats made, but these are people who are banned from contact with her) and I have considered flagging it up with the school myself. The safest thing is that everyone is aware and can support you if he has another incident when his mental health is not good. If it's nothing, it's nothing, and case will be closed, but at least the school will know in case they need to.

Notevilstepmother · 07/09/2017 11:22

Really, if you deal with it yourself they will see a good mum doing the right thing in difficult circumstances. You really really don't need to feel bad. Teachers are human too, do you think we all live in perfect bubbles and never have any problems ourselves? You have done nothing wrong, your ex is ill, it is nothing to be ashamed of, please believe me.

MargaretTwatyer · 07/09/2017 11:24

It's not uncommon at all and doesn't carry much stigma as a result. It's quite routine for schools. It can be anything from physical health problems, DV, child MH issues. And often (and hopefully in your case) the response is 'no concerns'.

quizqueen · 07/09/2017 11:24

The school will probably have met this type of thing before; you are certain not to be alone in this respect. I work in a nursery and it happens all the time. Inform the school yourself of the situation.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/09/2017 11:35

no one will judge you, you think they haven't seen this before? multiple times

I am pleaded protection is being addressed, hang tight

FeralBeryl · 07/09/2017 11:35

Yes - please go for full disclosure with the school.
Without wishing to be alarmist, one of the main ways of hurting a mother would be through their children. You need to know there are robust measures in place in your absence to prevent this.
Ring and ask for an appointment with the headteacher as soon as possible S/He will have the authority to cascade information to relevant staff.

Please don't feel humiliated. Staff are there to help you. They will have undoubtedly heard similar things and will want to reassure you.
Sorry if I've missed it and you have, but would you also consider speaking to the police about it too, firstly for any extra advice they may have, and so they have a log of events and your address if you need them urgently. (Sure you won't)

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