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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to seperate my dd from her best friend

38 replies

absolutelynot · 06/09/2017 20:53

my dd5 is a mischievous little madam on occasion but overall, she is a child who likes her behaviour to please but if any issues around her behaviour arise, it is always with the same little girl who happens to be her best friend in school. I voiced this in conversation with school staff in an observational context ie "if she's ever told off it always involves X'....school staff said they were "aware" which I feel was implied they believe that my DD is somewhat led astray.

First day back at school and in a new class. This morning I went through the usual "new rules you need to learn and stick to; remember manners etc etc" but also dropped in "don't go along with X if you know/feel its something others wouldn't like"....what does she do, get told off and X is involved.

2nd day back tomorrow, should I be that mother that already asks them to be seperated?

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 06/09/2017 21:00

How much trouble is she getting into?

Original poster
absolutelynot · 06/09/2017 21:10

In spits and spurts really also nothing major but things that I know my DD will know to be poor behaviour choices. Also things that we do not tolerate in as much as we don't want her to be seen/become the child that leads in distraction; it's more the element of distraction now she has entered into KS1, so freedom to mess about has been removed.

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 06/09/2017 21:22

I think there are lots of parents who are unwilling to consider that their child is a willing participant or indeed ring leader in any bad behaviour that may be occurring away from you. Could that be the case ? It might be the school are aware that the two together are a bit of a handful rather than the other child leading your DD astray. Although I understand you don't want her to be getting into real trouble I don't think you should be micromanaging her friendships. She needs to work through some of these issues herself and learn the consequences of her choices. I also think you will make this friendship seem so much more desirable if you " ban" it - they will only find each other in the playground.

BarbarianMum · 06/09/2017 21:32

Unless you're planning to rear her in a bubble she's going to have to learn to be responsible for her own choices and behaviour, no matter who she plays with.

blueberrypie0112 · 06/09/2017 21:33

Not much you can do. Kids will pick their friends. Just keep helping her (and her friend if you can) make the right choice.

Original poster
absolutelynot · 06/09/2017 21:37

well this is the thing, I know my DD will know she shouldn't be doing the things she is doing when she gets a stern word in her direction (a willing participant no doubt!); it's more that I feel she wouldn't necessarily think to do them without some level of influence and if she did/does, her getting told off is utterly deserving. And banning the friendship isn't the aim, the playground doesn't concern me, the friendship in itself doesn't either. Just the combo in the classroom.

DD being told off at school doesn't upset me; it bothers me in as much as I am big on behavioural choices and have had this drummed in to all my kids from the second I felt they could understand it. I had all my kids young and close together, coupled with living in a very Middle Class village, I didn't want my kids to be 'those' kids that I think can be stereotyped simply because of the age of their mother. So maybe that is driving an over sensitive response? I just don't want DD to let herself down.

OP posts:
KinkyFruits · 06/09/2017 21:42

So you think the other child simply hasn't been taught that she is making bad choices, but because your DD has and because she is middle class you assume it's the other child leading yours astray? Wow.

grasspigeons · 06/09/2017 21:46

I think it's quite likely the children will not be sat next to each other all the time in the classroom anyway. If a pair of children are disruptive I'm pretty sure a teacher would naturally move them apart on the carpet and a lot of classrooms are set up so the children have a home table, a literacy table a maths table etc.

Branleuse · 06/09/2017 21:52

Yabu

EyesUnderARock · 06/09/2017 21:56

It's always the other child.
Let the teaching staff work it out, you can widen her friendships outside school.

Original poster
absolutelynot · 06/09/2017 22:00

How do you know the child is middle class?- is she?- I never stated nor implied. I gave context to the environment my child is in; lovely, successful, well rounded middle class children and parents alike but also amongst people who have asked a host of inappropriate questions, an example being if all my children are from the same father simply because of my age, they felt it was possible they weren't; leading me to be slightly sensitive, rightly or wrongly, as to how people perceive my parenting/my children.

Am i not middle class? i don't recall mentioning my socio-economic status, so therefore is my child middle class? Did you assume I wasn't?

I assume nothing. I have said that my child likes to please people with her behaviour; she is reprimanded in spits and spurts at school (no doubt a shite sight less than she does at home- because my child is a child and can be troublesome at times); however, she is always with one child if she is told off at school, as in NEVER another child involved or her being reprimanded by her teacher for independant behavioural issues; school have noticed this link too.

I was asking if two days in am I being premature? correctly nipping it in the bud? or utterly wrong to feel that two children are not giving school 100% if they are together?

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 22:06

I think it's probably more the case that they're egging each other on, and that each of them are as bad as the other. I wouldn't worry about it, the teachers will let you know if their behaviour really is something to be concerned about. Don't try to do their jobs for them.

Original poster
absolutelynot · 06/09/2017 22:12

thanks Mittens and Branleuse....find school a tricky minefield to navigate. Luckily we have a small and fantastic school. The teachers are all fabulous. She's gone from a class where she thrived, so I think it may be a premature panic that she may not achieve her best.

OP posts:
eddiemairswife · 06/09/2017 22:26

This reminds me a bit of my schooldays. My best friend and I were as thick as thieves from the age of 7, until we left school at 18. Over the years we got into various scrapes where she was considered to be a
bad influence on me; as we grew older and were virtually inseparable concerns were expressed that we were 'too close'. However our friendship survived over the years, even though living in different parts of the country. Sadly, she developed dementia a few years ago and can no longer communicate with anyone.
Give your little girl the benefit of the doubt; let her choose her own friends.

Devonishome1 · 06/09/2017 22:33

😁

Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 22:34

It's far too soon to worry, OP, she's only 5, and she sounds quite bright from what you've described. All 5 year olds can be mischievous sometimes, my DD2 is the same age as your DD and she gets up to mischief when with her friends (and sometimes with DD1 (8) for that matter!

over40andpregnant · 06/09/2017 22:37

Makes me laugh
Always the other child ..

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 06/09/2017 22:52

I'm sorry to say from my own obviously anecdotal evidence working with children and my own children's schools it is usually the child of the parent that thinks my child wouldn't do that who are the instigator of the nonsense. The parents who realise their children often behave differently out of sight of parents are often the first to jump in and believe their child is capable of getting up to no good..

Scholes34 · 06/09/2017 22:58

Had a similar issue with DS1 but when he was 9. I just told him that if he couldn't behave himself when he was with X, he should avoid playing with X and that I didn't want to hear of any more bad behaviour.

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2017 23:27

If there are two children that are a problem together in a classroom, don't you think the teacher can spot that and will manage the situation is a way they see fit?

If you're not bothered about playtimes I think you should leave it to the teacher.

And just because she knows it's wrong, it doesn't mean she doesn't still want to do it. It's not necessarily all down to her friend.

lozzylizzy · 06/09/2017 23:29

The other child's mum is probably thinking the same. They probably get on so well they get silly together!

Crumbs1 · 06/09/2017 23:36

Regardless of who is leading who into mischief, let the school deal with what occurs in the school day.

GreenTulips · 06/09/2017 23:46

I work in a class with similar boys - NQT teacher new to the school

She has already, seated them separately on the carpet, changed the groups round to move them away from each other, arranged the line boy/girl etc

Give them chance

CorbynsBumFlannel · 07/09/2017 00:02

If the teacher thinks the children are a disruptive combination then she won't need telling to separate them in class.
You blaming the other child won't teach your dd to take responsibility for her own behaviour. There will always be children who will egg others on but your dd needs to learn that she is the one in control of and responsible for what she does regardless of how others are behaving.

Ttbb · 07/09/2017 00:32

When I was in school my best friend was blamed for my bad behaviour for two and a half years. Eventually they just realised that despite being super quiet I had no regard for their rules.