To take the bread knife to my stupid, unreasonable, counting uterus?

[MOIST]

Stupid fucker has shocking timekeeping. Should have swung into action a week ago. But oh no. Bastard thing waits until now. 36 hours before a holiday and my biannual intercouse slot.
Why? Why would it do that. Stupid fucking cunting bitch.
I have had Enough. 30 bastard years of paining and now this. It really is intolerable.

@Graphista...cinema passes help with the pain?

Moist I accept your full description and I raise the stakes by adding the urge to stab with said bread knife the person who left the crumbs on the counter and who put the bloody fucking spoon in the fork section in the drawer.
I shall laugh over their bleeding corpse.

Only for 2 days of the month though.
The rest of the time, ...meh.

I even called the spoon in the wrong section an absolute cunt bitch. As you do.

I think biannual means twice a year and biennial means every other year. I only know because I have been planting biennial foxgloves which flower every other year.

Best money I ever spent taking the poxy uterus out. Seriously, if we don't need them anymore why are we stuck with the nonsense that comes with them?

And javelin arse. I feel your pain. I used to have to spend several evenings every month straddling the edge of the bath as it was the only way to relieve the horror.

I agree nouveu there should be some sort biological imperative whereby when we've had the last child we want, when we give birth to it, the uterus just falls out too. pointless fucking thing. You have my sympathy OP

I feel for you... mostly because we've been on child free jaunts for FIVE weekends so far this year. And guess what my epically menopausal unreliable body has done EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME!!!

JAVELIN ARSE!! YES!

Soz Graph. Missed the sponge bit.

With pain in waves that makes me puke, a pineapple shoved up my arse, zits like buboes and bloating like a big bloaty toad I'm not sure a sponge will make me want to have a shag, even if it holds back the gallons of blood, clots and mucous pouring out of me.

I'm pretty sure Graphista was suggesting bowling/cinema passes to get the kids out of the house, so sex could happen more than twice a year.

Yeah. I see that now. Doesn't really work.

If your uterus can count, I'd keep the breadknife away from it. That's a rare talent for a womb.

Stupid fucking cunting bitch.

Javelin arse.

Oh fuck me OP, it took me 5 minutes to stop laughing at your posts!

I am sorry you are suffering, and I hope you feel OK soon, but OMG, so funny.

Feel well soon!

By the way, 'javelin arse' is a bitch. What IS that about?

What causes it?

Anyone?

I'm abother Javelin arsehole sufferer - why even does that occur ??

And period pooh - why is a shit so much runnier at that time of the month.

Not to mention the feeling that I've been kicked in the cunt by a donkey all week !

yes sponges for period (are you in pain the whole time? I have endo but it's been treated fantastically with prostap) not sure why booting the kids out doesn't work.

And period pooh - why is a shit so much runnier at that time of the month.

I think it's to do with holding fluids in run up then when it starts body can't rid itself quickly enough with pee/blood so sends it poo channel as well.

Cos there clearly ain't already ENOUGH going on at that time!

IIove "kicked in the cunt by a donkey", this is me, I usually say "kicked in the foof" but I am now taking over your words as they suit much better

That's crap pp. I suggest copious amounts of alcohol. How long are you away for? Might there still be a slim chance for a couple days at the end?

I no longer get donkey-kick-cunt since getting a mooncup. I love the thing.

I personally find a jolly good orgasm or two sorts my period pain right out.

Thank you for the clarification, Lulu, re the 2 year thingy.

Re the runny shits at period time - I think this is to do with the womb squeezing itself to get the blood out. Whatever mechanism or hormone that is, it makes your bowel squeeze stuff out as well. Peristalis, the squeezing movements are called, if my Standard Grade Biology serves. Or cramps, basically. Probs same thing as makes you shit yourself when you are pooing out a baybee.

Thanks alone for using the words 'javelin arse' and 'kicked in the cunt by a donkey'.

What the hell causes javelin arse anyway?

Yeah, I am STILL pmsl at javelin arse. I've been snickering to myself every couple of minutes for the last hour or so, and finally my DH had to ask me what the hell it was all about.

I'd never heard the phrase before, but instantly knew exactly what it meant (bloody bitch cow uterus). But I don't even know where to begin explaining javelin arse to a man. Don't think I'll bother. More ice cream instead.

May I is assume that javelin arse is a stabbing pain felt in one's back passage? What the hell causes it????

Sponge tampons eh?

Someone told me once that sex workers use natural sponges but I wasn't sure whether they were having me on or not.

Couldn't agree more. Mine went in the bin ten years ago and I've never been happier. There is nothing bloody natural about any of the shit involved with periods. If men had them, they would have found a way to turn them off until they needed them, and off again when done.