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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aib - an OPM - 'an over protective mum'

37 replies

Wills · 06/09/2017 18:15

Dd1 has just started upper sixth and wants to go to University. Naturally she wants to visit some to see what they're like, but most of them require an overnight stay. - and here's the issue - she doesn't want me or any other adult going with her. She's 17 and one of the most sensible teenagers you'll ever meet. She doesn't drink (wont touch a drop - its a drug!), smoke, stay out late, party and is not interested in males unless they're a horse. I had no issues with leaving her at home on her own for 2 weeks with the dog (with 3 of my friends phone numbers - just in case). However she's a high functioning autistic and both struggles with social nuances AND is the most trusting person on the face of this planet. Yet in a year's time when she starts uni I wont be living beside her making sure all is ok. Are other parents letting their 17 year olds visit uni's and stay overnight on their own?

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 06/09/2017 18:20

I didn't let my DD, although she went alone on day trips.
A friend let her DD stay overnight without her, but she was staying at a (adult) friend's house in the uni city so it wasn't an issue.
I would also check if a hotel will allow a 17 year old to check in without an over 18. I am sure I have read somewhere (probably MN!) that not all of them will.

exexpat · 06/09/2017 18:31

If it is the kind of open day where you can stay in university accommodation for one night (e.g. Oxbridge) then I would say maybe - there will be people around to keep an eye on the open day visitors and someone to go to for help if needed.

If she has to stay somewhere else (hostel/hotel) by herself and she has never done that before, then probably not (lots of hostels and hotels won't take lone under-18s anyway). Has she travelled long distance by herself before?

Does she have a friend interested in some of the same universities that she could travel with? Or would she accept the compromise of a parent going with her for the travel/overnight stay, but doing the open day part by herself?

DS did all his university open days by himself at age 16/17, including a couple of overnight stays (once in Cambridge, where he stayed in college, once in another city where he stayed with a family friend), but he had travelled by himself before, and does not have ASD or any other issues.

KityGlitr · 06/09/2017 18:33

OPM I think. Good for her to get experience now! At 14 I was going off for weekends away with friends and alone to see bands without a parent with me. It'll be confidence building for her!

t1mum3 · 06/09/2017 18:36

I'm surprised by the number of my friends with older children who are visiting universities with them. It seems to be the thing nowadays. In my day it was an excuse for a jolly but kids only. What I'm saying is, if your DD would like you there and you think it would be better, I don't think you will at all unusual.

Winosaurus · 06/09/2017 18:41

At 17 I was going on girls holidays abroad with my friends... I think you're being massively OPM

stumblymonkeyagain · 06/09/2017 18:42

I think you should let her go...she'll be on her own every single day and night once she's at Uni so this is a good first step to loosening the reigns and both getting more comfortable with her independence

dollydaydream114 · 06/09/2017 18:43

She's going to go away to university in a year's time. She really, really needs to start doing overnight trips on her own before then or going away to uni will be a massive shock to the system when the time comes. Definitely over protective; you need to let her do this, for her own sake.

Ttbb · 06/09/2017 18:43

I went away on my own at that age even younger and I was fine (and no my parents weren't abusive, it was for various extra curricular activities).

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/09/2017 18:44

Can she take a friend rather than a parent?

Some hotels will allow under 18s to stay. My 16 year old spent a weekend in a hostel in Brighton this summer, she did have two mates with her though. I wouldn't have been so keen if she was alone

Glumglowworm · 06/09/2017 18:44

Well it's good practice for living on her own in a years time

Check that the hotel will be ok with it (get it in writing via email and give her a print out of their confirmation to produce if they question her).

Chottie · 06/09/2017 18:45

I went youth hosteling around the Peak District for a week with 3 friends when I was 15. We were dropped off and the local station and picked up a week later. No phones, no contact.

So I would say, let her go.

scurryfunge · 06/09/2017 18:47

I went off to Uni interview on my own and stayed in a B and B at 17. I was the only one on my own but was quite an independent teen. One interviewer did comment that they were impressed that I hadn't had to have a parent tag along. This was 30 years ago however and times change. You do whatever suits your child.

Petalflowers · 06/09/2017 18:48

Why don't you go with her? When I was in six form, we used to go by ourselves, but all but one was day trips, and the only overnight stay was in uni halls.

Today, it's quite the norm for parents to go. Maybe because they are now paying for it!

Is she used to travelling, changing trains, booking into hotels etc. I think I would do one or two with her, and then let her go.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 06/09/2017 18:50

Why not try a 'half-way' thing for the first one. You agree it's ok provided the first time you travel up separately, stay in the same hotel for the night (or nearby) and do your own thing during the day. Then she can reassure you she is competent to cope. (And if not you will be nearby.)

ErrolTheDragon · 06/09/2017 19:07

My DD was doing the open day rounds last year, and one (or sometimes both, as a nice family trip) of us went with her. None of the hotels seemed to allow lone under 18s, so that decided the matter. The majority did have a parent in tow - though we split up for some of it.
She did go to the one near enough to get to by train for the day alone though.

Maybe you should (a) let her go to any which can be done as a day trip alone (b) for the ones that need an overnight stay find out the accommodation options first. Hotels get very booked up around open days even apart from the under 18 question - finding one which worked with public transport might be quite tricky.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/09/2017 19:13

Also, if the issue is mainly that she wants to do the open day alone, some parents do travel/stay with their kids but then go off shopping or sightseeing.

There are many gradations possible between these visits being totally independent and the unfortunate phenomenon, which absolutey should be avoided, of 'helicoptering' !

exexpat · 06/09/2017 19:35

Chottie - times have changed. I also went youth hostelling with a friend at 15, but official (YHA) youth hostels now do not allow under-16s to stay without an adult .

Also, the OP's daughter is autistic, which does need to be taken into consideration.

PollyFlint · 06/09/2017 20:43

If she said she wanted you to go with her, then it would be fine. But she's clearly said that she doesn't and at 17 she should be allowed to strike out alone a bit if she wants to. As you said, you had no worries about leaving her alone in your home for two weeks and going away on her own is just the next natural step.

As you said, she's going to be going away to university in a year's time and I think she really does need to get used to travelling alone and staying away overnight on her own before that time comes.

MojoMoon · 06/09/2017 20:53

You have to start somewhere since you recognise that she will be off in a year.

First trip, you travel to the same town (separately) and book into a hotel. She travels up solo and books into a youth hostel. You meet up briefly in the town for a coffee to put your mind at rest, she can call you if she needs you.

If all goes well, then you will feel more confident for the next one. Second trip she could be ready to go entirely solo or you travel there separately and stay in a different hotel again but don't meet up unless she asks you.

MojoMoon · 06/09/2017 20:57

Also the uni will have a disability support service that your daughter may want to get in touch ahead of visits. They may offer specific services for prospective students on visiting days

For example

www.bristol.ac.uk/disability-services/prospective/

funnynoises · 06/09/2017 21:22

University lecturer here.

This doesn't really address your issues about safety but... I think the prospective students get much more out of open days when they don't have a parent in tow. They have to ask their own questions, form/report their own impressions, when the temptation to let you speak for them isn't there.

That said I do always enjoy chatting to the mums and dads ;-)

blueberrypie0112 · 06/09/2017 21:25

My 16 years old spent his whole summer at a college camp (U.S.) 7 weeks with very little supervision . If I could start over again, I would have made sure he stayed for three weeks but only because he have anxiety and had trouble sleeping. other than that, he was fine on his own

Notahappycustomer · 06/09/2017 21:25

I moved out at that age. And i am still here to tell the tale! Let her do it. Get the details if where she is staying and be willing to gi ti her if she is in need. But i dont see the issue if she is ik with it

Veterinari · 06/09/2017 21:28

IIN one year she'll be living independently with no daily parental supervision - how is she going to make that leap if you don't give her opportunities for independence now?

Original poster

Wills · 06/09/2017 21:32

Wow everyone you're being incredibly helpful. It hadn't occurred to me that hotels/hostels might not actually allow her to stay on her own and that needs to be investigated (thank you). This coming weekend is causing a massive argument as she wants to travel to a uni over 4 hours travel away. It would be a long day but its doable in a day, however between her and her father (my dh) I've been coerced into booking a hotel. But I'm not happy hence my post.

OP posts:

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