Aib - an OPM - 'an over protective mum'

[Wills]

Dd1 has just started upper sixth and wants to go to University. Naturally she wants to visit some to see what they're like, but most of them require an overnight stay. - and here's the issue - she doesn't want me or any other adult going with her. She's 17 and one of the most sensible teenagers you'll ever meet. She doesn't drink (wont touch a drop - its a drug!), smoke, stay out late, party and is not interested in males unless they're a horse. I had no issues with leaving her at home on her own for 2 weeks with the dog (with 3 of my friends phone numbers - just in case). However she's a high functioning autistic and both struggles with social nuances AND is the most trusting person on the face of this planet. Yet in a year's time when she starts uni I wont be living beside her making sure all is ok. Are other parents letting their 17 year olds visit uni's and stay overnight on their own?

Have just put the "trial for the first ones" idea to her. She's ummmm furious!

4 hours travel each way would be a bit much, I think - a uni open day can involve a lot of walking around, looking at accommodation as well as the academic facilities, mental engagement with various talks.

While funnynoises has a point about not having a parent 'in tow' - and absolutely that the student should be asking questions not having parent speak for them! - my DD found it helpful to have a parent listen to the talks, go off and ask questions of our own, notice things about the labs or accommodation she might have missed. There are ways (if your DC will let you) of being supportive and helpful without being smothering or intrusive.

If she is determined to do it, let her.

Talk about different scenarios so she can think about how to respond if train is disrupted etc. Where might she want to eat dinner? Etc

And then big breath and let her go. Make sure she has an extra and fully charged battery so she can always top up her phone charge if needed.

She is in a British city, not the back of beyond. She will be fine. In a year she may be living there full time.

i'd not seen your 'umm furious' post when I posted...

She evidently feels very strongly about this. Do you think maybe she sort of feels she needs to prove to herself she can do this alone?

We went out of our way to ensure that DD1 went on open days by herself at 17. In fact, she was thinking of university in Holland, so flew by herself, negotiated Schipol at the other end, stayed in central Amsterdam for two nights (admittedly in a Christian hostel where there'd be less chance of dope and drinking excesses), and then travelled to and from the open day. All worked well and gave her a lot of confidence to take a place at another university abroad.
The uncertainty in your case is the extent of her ASD, but if she's safe enough to be on her own at home for a fortnight, she should definitely manage a night in a hostel. I think you should go for it and give her that trust (while also making sure that emergency precautions are in place - mobile loaded, knowledge about local hospitals and taxis, etc). Perhaps she's so furious at you now precisely because she thinks you've been helicoptering her too much in the past?

I thought it was normal for the parents to attend with their children. Certainly was a few years ago when my DD went.
I think parental guidance is a good thing and they can often appreciate different aspects of each one.

I went for an open day to my uni back in 2003 (am I really that old?). It was about an hour away on the train, so I could easily get there and back in a day.

My dad came with me. I would not have coped otherwise.

I am not ASD, or anything else. I went to uni and lived there for three years. I never moved back home - I moved back to my home city, because there is nowhere better, but I have never lived with my parents since I left in 2003 (except for holidays etc).

And yet the thought of doing that alone would have scared me shitless. Which is madness, but there it is. I'm really glad my dad came with me, I felt safe and found it easier to engage on the day.

My kids are only little, but I will be guided by them if and when the time comes - if they don't want me there, and it's ok, then I will let them go alone. If they want to travel to the other end of the country and stay for a couple of nights, I might insist on travelling with them but letting them do the uni bits alone while I go shopping or something. But that's years away yet.

Is that at all possible, OP? Go with her if she needs to stay overnight, but not actually attend the open day with her? Let her do that and meet up later and perhaps have a nice meal and hear all about it?

I see you've already booked a hotel. I was going to suggest that you ask the university if they have any guestrooms available. Some do, and she'd be somewhere she could find help if she needed it, and have a taste of life in university accommodation.

She's 17, she needs to go alone.

She's 17, she needs to go alone

Don't be daft. She may want to. She may be perfectly able to. It may be good for her if she does - if it all goes well, as it probably would. But they really don't need to go to uni open days alone.

I was the same at her age, and I didn't know at the time but I'm also autistic. If she is bright enough for university and she is confident enough to go herself I think you should let her.

I actually refused to visit one university further away and hence didn't go there because my parents wouldn't let me go alone to visit. I would have been fine.

Having autism has its downsides, but it tends to make us logical sensible and pretty much immune to peer pressure. As peer pressure is a major factor in quite a bit of dangerous teenage behaviour that's a good thing.

The first year at university isn't quite the "independent living" that many assume. Your DD will still be very much in a protected environment. It sounds like you've already acknowledged that she needs to be allowed to do some visits on her own. In your situation, I would shy away from letting her stay on her own overnight. A compromise should be to travel together (travelling to the same place separately is a bonkers idea - you can simply leave her to negotiate public transport/directions for the pair of you) and let her visit the Open Day on her own if she really doesn't want you with her. It really is common place now for parents to accompany their children on Open Days and a lot of universities acknowledge this and more often than not run separate sessions for parents and the prospective students. Parents can and do get a lot out of the Open Days, but should ensure they don't dominate and start asking the questions their children should be asking.

At one university, the Admissions Tutor gave a lovely, reassuring talk about pastoral care and took the opportunity to emphasise that our offspring would be young adults by the time they start the course and communication with us with be somewhere between minimal and non-existent. If you consider yourself an OPM, you'll get a lot out of an Open Day.