My DH says that I am a bully? Is he being unreasonable?

[Autumnskiesarelovely]

DH ended our relationship last year before Christmas, but we got back together a few weeks later.

It's been great since then, until last week. I asked why his family hadn't visited in ages, he said that they 'really disliked me' and blamed me for last Christmas. He said that he agreed that I was a bully. I was shocked as at that time I'd been devastated. It was him who finished our relationship and over a silly argument. No discussion, just that was it, over.

I asked him why he thought that I was a bully. He cited that I'd been a 'maniac' texting him for 3 weeks last year after we split up. I did send upset texts, but so did he! I didn't resort to name calling. I haven't done it since.

He also says that it's up to him what he feeds the child for breakfast. And that I needed to 'fix myself'. It's not like I'm on his back all the time at all. In fact he has opinions about the kids too. I thought this was normal. But thinking back, whenever I have criticised that has provoked him to finish our relationship.

We went to counselling last year as it was becoming a cycle with him rejecting me, splitting up, but then him having second thoughts and getting back together. It's happened 4 times in our marriage. He also had an emotionally affair with a colleague 3 years ago, to the point of kissing. His family know about this.

I don't know what to do. It seems more and more isolating. He seems set on me being the bad guy here. It's no way to live and I think I want out but as most of the time we get on fine it seems such a waste. But again he seems to think that he's only with me 'for the kids'.

It doesn't sound like a marriage more of a teenage relationship tbh. You don't know where you stand with him, that would do my head in.

So take the power out of his hands. Disengage from his cycle. Walk away and put your self-esteem, self-respect and DCs first and find something better.

It's not easy to say categorically that someone's being U from a single snapshot but this man sounds awful. Who gives a shit what his family think? They're likely as big a bunch of wankers as he is. Give yourself a break from their bullshit, get your head straight and treat yourself properly. He's sure as shit not treating you well.

and now he is gaslighting you too? Do you think there is a possibility that he left at Christmas for someone else and it didn't work out so he came back? I would wonder why you are with him at all. Why do you think you deserve so little? Change yourself? Yep by being single I would suggest. I would go as far to say he is prob abusing and controlling you. And I would bet the emotional affair he had before was way more than kissing.

I'm not sure I don't know if enough detail here to decide really.

What kind of texts and how often were you sending them during the "maniac" phase?
What is he feeding your child ( why do you say "the" child) for breakfast that you take such issue with?
When you say you're not on his back all the time, how often are you on his back?
Why does his family think you're a bully? They think it, he agreed, but what makes them think it?
What caused you to get back together?

You clearly have very different views of the relationship. You think it's "great" and he thinks he's just there "for the kids". So he doesn't think it's great at all and keeps ending it.

I think he's made his feelings clear. He doesn't want this relationship
So why not accept them. Move on and end it.

There isnt really any detail here.

It sounds like it could be that you dominate him. Overrule him with the kids, talk down to him and bully him.

It could also be that he is a fucking cunt.

It's difficult to make a judgement on who's the "bad guy" here from just a snapshot, but it's easy to see that the relationship is bad.

You've broken up multiple times; this doesnt happen in a relationship worth having.
Leave, look after yourself and DC, move on.

I think for the sake of your dc you should walk away. Splitting up before Christmas then getting back together a few weeks later must have been horrendous for them. Give them the stability they deserve and end your relationship.

Not enough information to make any judgments with regards bullying/behaviour however it does seem that it would be best all round if you split properly and agree to keep it that way

What kind of texts and how often were you sending them during the "maniac" phase? I sent texts such as him...
'In my head I'm probably trying to save us from ourselves' Me 'This was the one thing you promised to do though at counseling, your said you would give at least a year to stop this damaging cycle of closing down discussion by ending our relationship whenever a problem came up.' Him 'Walking away is not easy. Hurting you is not easy for me'. Me 'Well stop being an idiot and actually try to work through a problem for once. Stop taking anger out on me and stop running around after other people who don't care about you, when we do.' 'Him I suppose you mean my family, and my kids, are they just inconvenient smudges on you' Me 'wtf?' Him 'I presume these are the people who don't care'. Me 'You're just trying to do too much (referring to his work) and you always seem to blame me....' Etc. They were back and forth messages.

We sent maybe 10 each at 'discussions' and then once a day otherwise.

I should also say that a close friend died at the time too. I was pretty upset but I didn't scream, shout, send abusive texts.

What is he feeding your child ( why do you say "the" child) for breakfast that you take such issue with? I just said I'd rather not, it was chocolate cereal. I said it was our child has a health issue with his digestion. But really it isn't the worst thing every and I wasn't mad with him, just asked him not to do it.

When you say you're not on his back all the time, how often are you on his back? I do get cross probably every 2 or 3 months. As in, ask him not to do something.
Why does his family think you're a bully? They think it, he agreed, but what makes them think it? He was talking with his family to get support after he ended it, so he said he was upset with my messages like the ones above. It was from that time. They said that I put him through hell. But apart from the messages, I never screamed at him. He also in that time stayed with his mother and one weekend he asked to meet me for coffee and I said I couldn't cope with that, and he said I was being totally over emotional and 'couldn't even speak to him' etc.

What caused you to get back together? His family were really cross that he'd 'had to leave his home' at that time, which he told me about, so I did say look if you need time to find somewhere come back until you do. Then when he came back he started to say that maybe 'for the kids' we might try, but then was a bit indifferent again. I'd say it flitted around for a while. And then we just kind of slotted back in.

You clearly have very different views of the relationship. You think it's great and he thinks he's just there 'for the kids'. We did bring this up at counselling where I was quite clear that if this was the case let's end it. I also said then that I wasn't denying the problems, but that I did have hope that we could sort them out if we both wanted to.

I thought we were making progress but this recent jolt makes me think, woah, you don't want to be with me again? What's going on?

It sounds like either he is over sensitive or you have a selective memory.

I did just now go through those texts to see and wrote a sample out. There weren't any I'd call maniac but yes, we were both upset I guess.

He's admitted before that he is quite dominant and has been with his own kids.

I do see that I do probably need to think of just getting out of this relationship. I told him that today and I also talked to my older daughter (from a previous relationship). It all feels a bit crap.

Splitting up 4 times in a marriage and then getting back together is just all wrong. So wrong it's hard to begin to say why. If it's over then end it.

It sounds over. Stop trying to fathom reasons and apportion blame. If you stay together now it's only until next time he leaves you. Is that OK with you?

As pp have said not enough information so we are left reading between the lines.

"A silly argument" and "upset texts" sounds like minimising in my opinion.

Unless he is giving "the child" a bag of sweets, I would agree that it's up to him what he serves for breakfast.

The emotional affair and kissing is a different matter, whether his family know about it or not. Did this happen on one of the occassions you were split up?

You're right in saying it's no way to live.

Your first post says that the message were manic. That doesnt sound manic. On his back every 2 to 3 months?

It is really difficult to judge. I dont feel we are getting the whole story. It feels like you dont have a realistic view the situation. You think its been great since new year, he clearly doesnt.

But what you can see is that he does not want to be in this relationship. Hr keeps coming back either because of guilt or because its eaiser.

Neither of you are happy.

Major cross post

It sounds exhausting. And you don't seem to make each other happy.

Write a list of pros and cons of staying together and another of splitting up.

If you've had counselling already and the dynamic and how you communicate isn't improving then you can tell yourself you've tried but it's time now to walk away.

I'm confused about which of you has which children. Do you each have some from previous relationships and one together? Blending families can be incredibly complicated and take a real toll on any relationship. But it's not failing to walk away when it's run its course.

Think of how peaceful life will be when you don't have this constant stress and discord in your life and your children aren't being buffeted by you breaking up all the time.

The rights and wrongs don't matter as much as calling time on the drama.

Is he the type to pull his weight?

Why did you take him back after being dumped, 4 times?!

I took him back as I believed we could work. DH often said we get on well day to day and we do. At counselling we talked about all the positives. But counsellor said DH was very elusive and it was like he was content with never committing himself fully. I said that he broke up with me each time after a really good few months. Like he wanted to scale it back.

Op, does he have mental health issues? From what you've posted you are beyond saintly, arguments maybe once every three months, just don't want your kids to eat chocolat cereal, only respond to his texts. He on the other hand is totally deranged, inventing drama, and lying through his teeth in over emotional way about your behaviour, as is his family who he is dragging into it to support his bizzare delusions about you.

If he is this sbusive and deranged you can't bring children up in this environment and you need to leave,

If your just underplaying your behaviour as you don't want to admit it, then there is no point posting, we can only go on what you say and from what you say the guys mentally unwell, he's deeply abusive and you need to end it.

Like pps I'm not sure why you're still together as you certainly don't seem to make each other happy. Counselling clearly hasn't worked.

Fwiw I don't think your messages were out of order at least based on what you've outlined here. It does sound as though he kind of looks for reasons to take offence and leave, certainly seems to want to keep you on your toes!

Honestly in your shoes I really think I'd call it a day. Easy for strangers on the internet to say of course but you have to ask yourself what you're getting out of this relationship, what effect is it having on you and on dc? You'll end up constantly second guessing yourself, biting your tongue lest a comment or opinion sets him on his way again. That's no way to live.

I'm also not sure why you are phrasing it you took him back? Those texts read like you were the one demanding he came back. Not the other way about, he doesn't seem to be begging you.

No healthy relationship involves four splits.

This whole situation is a confused and dysfunctional mess. I've honestly no idea who is bullying who here or it's six-of-one-half-a-dozen of the other, but it definitely sounds as if you are incredibly bad for each other and are doing each other nothing but harm.

I suspect his family are simply sick of all the drama to be honest with you.

I accepted after a couple of weeks that it was over. Those texts were at the start. As soon as I accept and distance myself that's when he starts to change his mind.

I don't think he's awful, we get along well, but yes he just cyclically wants to leave but now with the addition of saying I'm a bully.

So your husband wants to ignore your childs digestive issues and your advice on what does and does not make those issues worse in favour of feeding him whatever he likes or you are a bully? TWAT

You asked your husband to stick to the mutually agreed method for working through your problems you set up in counselling instead of the destructive cycle of ending the relationship every time something isn't going his way and you are a bully? TWAT

He reconsiders and wants you back as soon as you start to sort yourself out and you are the bully? TWAT

Sorry OP you should throw this one back, he doesn't want to behave like a grown up and wants everything on his terms and when called on it runs away shouting the bully was mean to me. As soon as you pick yourself up he does the kid equivalent of saying but my mum said you have to play with me, play what I want to play or I'm telling and saying you're a bully.

Your kids need a better model of adult behaviour than this, quite frankly I'd be willing to bet they're already more mature than him.

Even if nothing is 100% as you say, his reaction is not healthy and this cycle is very destructive. Either way you should still call it a day.