Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a go at ex for calling 11 yr old a bully?

60 replies

JonSnowsWhore · 06/09/2017 11:57

For what it's worth I thought this was quite the pathetic disagreement but he made it sound as if I was being out of order so thought I'd ask opinions.

The other day my 4 year old got my 11 yr olds make up bag when she wasn't in the room & helped himself to a bit of mascara & lipstick. When she found him he panicked & started crying probably thinking he was going to get told off- he didn't, we all had a laugh & said he looked like the joker from batman, she took a quick pic of him before we put him in the bath to wash it off.

Last night my ex phoned up in a panic (spoke to 11 yr old first, then me) saying he'd just seen something 'really fucking terrible that he thinks I should know about, daughter had put that pic up of 4 yr old with make up on crying as her whatsapp profile picture. Before he spoke to me he'd told her off & told her it was bullying & a horrible thing to do etc & to take it down. Now she loves her 2 little brothers & often uses pics of them together on whatsapp, & I genuinely believe she just thought of it as a funny pic of her brother, not bullying at all. If I'd seen it I probably would have just tutted & said oh that's a horrible pic of your brother crying, change it to a nice one, not gone on a rant at her calling her a bully etc. To top it off it was her first day at secondary school yesterday & after him telling her off he didn't even ask her how it went!! She was in her room crying afterwards for the way he spoke to her.

I did send a text saying that I thought it was all a massive over reaction on his part & a simple message to her asking to change the pic would have done, and the he was out of order not even asking how her first day at secondary school went. Was IBU or was he? As I said, such a stupid disagreement but just got my back up a bit, calling up in in such a huff & calling her a bully like that Angry

OP posts:
Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 12:01

He sounds a massive twat is he her dad and is he afraid his ds will catch the Gay from the makeup Angry

Of course your dd needs to be careful on social media but a quiet reminder would have been enough.

He's been the bully here not your dd.

19lottie82 · 06/09/2017 12:02

Your ex may have over reacted a bit but your DD putting a photo up of your DS in distress wasn't a very nice thing to do.

Would you be so understanding if an older kid at your DDs school took a photo of her crying and posted it online?

Quartz2208 · 06/09/2017 12:07

I think you are at both ends of the scale about dealing with it and I think one is too harsh but the other is too lenient. Yes he overreacted (and lovingmybear where does the OP give any indication as to the gay from make up and not that it was a picture of his child upset that caused his reaction)

She put up a picture of someone else who was distressed, if she did that to one of her friends the consequences could be severe. She needs to grasp that although she thought it could be interpreted as bullying behaviour. He should not have called her a bully but explained how it was (or indeed you should have done)

Original poster
JonSnowsWhore · 06/09/2017 12:08

That's the thing though I would have told her to change the pic, just not in such a dramatic way. I just think a simple, 'that's not a very nice pic, please change it to something else' would have been better than calling up in a huff making a much bigger deal out of it than it needed to be.

It probably doesn't make it much better but whatsapp can only be seen by people who have your phone number, so for her it will be close family & her close school friends, no strangers. But like I said I still would have asked her to change it. I just don't think calling her a bully was necessary. And especially ignoring the fact it was her first day at secondary school, that really annoyed me

OP posts:
Original poster
JonSnowsWhore · 06/09/2017 12:10

Fwiw I did have a word afterwards about posting photos of other people online and how it shouldn't be done if they don't want them posted etc

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 06/09/2017 12:13

I agree w Quartz - a reaction somewhere between yours and your ex's would be about right. It was a mean thing to do, she would have bwen unhappy if someone had done that to her and if she's old enough to post pics of other kids on line then she needs to take her responsibilities more seriously. But she's 11 and made a mistake, so not the end of the world.

5rivers7hills · 06/09/2017 12:19

The photo sounds super hilarious actually! That will be a cracker on his 18th or 21st birthday!

Original poster
JonSnowsWhore · 06/09/2017 12:20

I do see what you're saying re if someone has posted a similar pic of her online. I suppose I kind of have the attitude that (unless it's something really serious or harmful) kids & teenagers do stupid things, and if you go around shouting the odds at them over every stupid thing, you'll have a very unhappy household & if it's other people kids you'll lose friends very fast. My way is having a word with them about it & hoping they're sensible enough to take notice. Obviously if they don't, then you need to do something a bit more than that. She doesn't have Facebook so I suppose I hadn't seen the whole sharing public photos thing as a problem before but more fool me!

OP posts:
Original poster
JonSnowsWhore · 06/09/2017 12:22

5rivers tbh that is how we saw it, it's not like we pinned him down & forced him to have the photo taken, she just quickly took the photo as he was having a little strop about being caught. She sent it to me so I did know about the photo, but obviously I didn't share it online or anything!!

OP posts:
PollyFlint · 06/09/2017 12:22

I think 'distressed' is quite a strong word to use about a four-year-old who has a two-second grizzle because he knows he's been naughty and then forgets all about it. A bit over-dramatic, no? It's not like he was crying in pain or fear.

Four year olds cry when you say they can't have a biscuit but I wouldn't describe that as 'distress'.

My response would have been exactly the same as yours - don't use that pic of him and you shouldn't put other people on your WhatsApp when they're too young to give permission. Your ex is being very OTT over this.

Boatmistress17 · 06/09/2017 12:24

Your ex is an arse. .

Original poster
JonSnowsWhore · 06/09/2017 12:30

Honestly it's so ridiculous it could be used on one of those 'reasons my kid is crying' things. Because he put make up on his own face...

I just felt so bad for her, she had her big day, he phoned up & she thinks he's going to ask her how it went, instead she just gets called a bully & he doesn't even acknowledge the secondary school thing. I'm sure someone will come along soon & say I'm over reacting about the secondary school thing but sod it, it's a big thing for kids that age!

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 06/09/2017 12:33

Sounds like her intentions were all good, it's a funny picture of her brother that she wanted to share, not that she was being nasty or intending to humiliate him. So I think your approach of calmly asking her to change it and explaining why is fine. Calling her a bully is very OTT!

becotide · 06/09/2017 12:34

her dad is a fuckwit

dollydaydream114 · 06/09/2017 12:56

The dad is being a tosser.

And yeah, a 4 year old briefly having a few preparatory "if I cry they'll feel sorry for me and won't tell me off when I've clearly been naughty" tears isn't "distressed".

LongWavyHair · 06/09/2017 13:04

It's a bit of a strange picture to put as her profile picture to be honest. Fair enough share a funny picture, but as a profile picture I think it's a bit weird.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 06/09/2017 13:10

I think your dd did nothing wrong, she put a funny picture of her db as her profile pic, it's really not bullying!

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 13:20

quartz because his ridiculous and massive overreaction might lead us to think it's the fact his ds has makeup on and not that a 4 year old was crying for a few seconds.

Of course the dd needs telling to be careful on social media but the dad is massively overreacting

misshelena · 06/09/2017 13:25

Dad is wrong. Pic is hilarious. She loves her little bro and thinks he is SO cute even when he is crying. Kids (and adults) need to toughen up a bit and not take everything as an assault to their self esteem.
My dd2 (14) put a series of photos of dd1 (17) on instagram to celebrate "national sleeping day", photos showing dd1 in various hilarious and awkward positions sleeping in random places. Dd1 and her posse thought they were hilarious.

kali110 · 06/09/2017 13:29

I dont know, i think that's a horrible pic to put up of her little brother.
People would obv take the mick.
Agree prob somewhere in the middle between the two of you.
Don't think he was wrong to tell her off about it, though wrong the way he went about it.

Original poster
JonSnowsWhore · 06/09/2017 13:50

Hmm I appreciate that there's mixed views here, I don't know though I just find it hard to see it as that bad & 'horrible'

(I know I know, aibu? Posters: yes. Op: no I'm not Grin)

I remember falsely being accused of being a bully in school, I'd had a falling out with a friend & we weren't speaking, nothing more than that, but she went to the head teacher who publicly called me out as a bully & ive never been so humiliated in my life, & even though this obviously isn't public, I don't want my daughter being falsely called a bully, it's a horrible thing to be labelled as if not true

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 06/09/2017 13:56

I was trying to say that a good response would be for her to realise that the implications of posting a photo showing someone in distress could be seen as bullying behaviour particularly when it is having it as your profile picture on whats app. In situations like this the intention behind it matters less than the response of people to the picture - particularly the person whose photo it was. It should be used as a learning experience. Her Dads reaction was over the top but sadly can be common when dealing with social media

Lovingmebear2 ok I see that my assumption would be that he oftens has anger issues and massively overreacts given the OP response to it

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 14:02

I don't think most 11 year olds would be taking the mick out of a 4 year old do you? Different social circles Shock

quartz yes get you Smile

RainyApril · 06/09/2017 14:09

Dd2 has a friend who does this all the time - her little brother has spent his entire childhood being photographed in moments of upset for public consumption.

I guess some of the photos are amusing but there's just something inherently wrong with looking at someone crying and thinking 'that'd make a hilarious pic'.

I don't know whether your ex over-reacted or not, he's her dad and it's not unusual for parenting approaches to differ, but I do think that your dd needs more than simply being told to take it down; being warned that photographs taken without the subject's consent is a form of bullying is not a bad thing for her to learn at this stage imo and a united front would've made that point powerfully.

grannytomine · 06/09/2017 14:10

I'd be more worried about an 11 year old wearing mascara and lipstick.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.