To have a go at ex for calling 11 yr old a bully?

[JonSnowsWhore]

For what it's worth I thought this was quite the pathetic disagreement but he made it sound as if I was being out of order so thought I'd ask opinions.

The other day my 4 year old got my 11 yr olds make up bag when she wasn't in the room & helped himself to a bit of mascara & lipstick. When she found him he panicked & started crying probably thinking he was going to get told off- he didn't, we all had a laugh & said he looked like the joker from batman, she took a quick pic of him before we put him in the bath to wash it off.

Last night my ex phoned up in a panic (spoke to 11 yr old first, then me) saying he'd just seen something 'really fucking terrible that he thinks I should know about, daughter had put that pic up of 4 yr old with make up on crying as her whatsapp profile picture. Before he spoke to me he'd told her off & told her it was bullying & a horrible thing to do etc & to take it down. Now she loves her 2 little brothers & often uses pics of them together on whatsapp, & I genuinely believe she just thought of it as a funny pic of her brother, not bullying at all. If I'd seen it I probably would have just tutted & said oh that's a horrible pic of your brother crying, change it to a nice one, not gone on a rant at her calling her a bully etc. To top it off it was her first day at secondary school yesterday & after him telling her off he didn't even ask her how it went!! She was in her room crying afterwards for the way he spoke to her.

I did send a text saying that I thought it was all a massive over reaction on his part & a simple message to her asking to change the pic would have done, and the he was out of order not even asking how her first day at secondary school went. Was IBU or was he? As I said, such a stupid disagreement but just got my back up a bit, calling up in in such a huff & calling her a bully like that

You have be 16 for what app . You can also hide your what app profile photo.

See biscuit now we've finally come to some sort of agreement, the way you dealt with the swearing is the way I thought this should have been dealt with, asked to take it down & a word about why. No need to go to extremes with calling her a bully etc.

No I wasn't around for any of that. Sounds absolutely awful. But then you can say people are just as able to take a normal profile photo of herself as they are a photo of her brother, I just don't see the difference I suppose.

But don't you mind that she's on whatsapp at 11 when the t&c stipulate 16?

That she is in group chats where she cannot control who other people add to the chat?

That literally anyone could now have a photo of your 4yo?

I think you are being naive. You need to be talking to her about this stuff now. I disagree that this one incident makes her a bully, but posting unflattering photos of people without their consent is bullying behaviour.

Ok I think we're going a bit far with the consent thing, he's 4, I post photos of him on my fb, so does my mum, his dad, he doesn't give any of us consent, he is 4.
I actually didn't know that whatsapp was over 16, but everything on her phone has to be approved by me through my phone & iCloud account so that's how she has it. She's not secretive with her phone so I am aware of the conversations she has going on on there & as far as I'm aware I know who the people are, it's just family & her close friends from school. But I will make sure I keep a check on it incase she's added to anything else.

I expect family members who post photos have their security settings quite high, so only friends can see them.

Good luck op. I don't mean to come across as judgemental. I've got four teens and regularly make mistakes. But this struck a chord because as I try to unravel the umpteenth pile of chaos created by a cocky 14yo who did something unwise on social media, as I sit there with their parents, I always wonder how it came to this, how they came to be sharing illegal photos or bullying someone online or trying to evade contact from someone dodgy, and usually, from chatting with the parents, it started like this. You've got an excellent opportunity to do some teaching so you're never sitting opposite me saying she's a good kid really but she didn't know/didn't realise/was mislead/got carried away/didn't think anyone would find out.

I do definitely agree that you need to make sure they're using social media responsibly, being safe & everything else you mention, and of course she'll constantly be reminded of this, especially when she has other social media. I just think it's a very very different thing, having a photo of your brother on whatsapp & being called a bully & spoken to how she was.

Your ex is the bloody bully! Your daughter clearly saw it as a joke! Hope she is ok now and enjoyed her first day of secondary school

Mrs that's the thing though I don't think she really even saw it as a joke, I know I said at the time we were laughing about it because he looked funny, but I don't think she intended the using of the photo as a joke or wind up, it was just a funny pic of her little brother. Before this one she had a pic of her new baby brother on there, as I said she loves them both, even though 4 yr old drives her crazy most of the time

Your dd thought her db looked adorable. DH and I have a picture on our mantel of dd2 crying miserably. We thought she looked ADORABLE! Dd2 did not appreciate it when she was 4. But last year, at age 13, she submitted it as her "baby picture" for her school yearbook. Now it's in the yearbook and the whole school has seen it!

OP - you are right to not make a mountain out of a molehill. Your dd is NOT a bully. She is a happy girl who adores her db. Keep her that way.

Massive over reaction, and quite cruel to ignore her first day of senior school (a memory she will now carry into adulthood)

Family photos are fun, cute, interesting to the family, to others they're generally mundane. I just can't can't get on board with those saying a sibling sharing a family photo has some malicious intent.

As for photos falling into the wrong hands, it's essential to educate on internet safety but you still need to maintain some perspective.

You can see if you're in a whatsapp group and who is in the group with you. It's more of a closed audience than Facebook.