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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsympathetic?

30 replies

ShiftyLookingBadger · 05/09/2017 23:28

Sorry a long one, a bit of background; I'm currently on maternity leave with DS(4m) and also looking after DD(2y). My daughter is very much an energetic tom-boy. Every second of the day she is trying to scale the ladder-style radiator or the dinner table or doing something equally heart-stopping so requires fairly constant supervision. I'm up at least 4 times in the night with DS and also have had sinusitis for 2 months so generally feel exhausted and rubbish most days but just get on, I'm trying my best not to moan about it and bore the living daylights out of people.

Anyways, OH hasn't been feeling very well with a dodgy tum so has been off work this week so far. Now, although I'm sure he is feeling rough, he otherwise seems pretty normal (apart from being in a foul mood), his idea of resting is playing playstation for example.

I asked him to hold DS a small number of times for e.g. when I got dressed and when I made some lunch. Yes I could have done it all myself eventually but why not utilise OH if he's home? He was furious about it and said he felt like he'd had the baby too much.

I confess, a large part of me resents how he thinks he can take time off work when feeling rough and put his feet up. I struggle all day through sickness and exhaustion regardless, I can't take a sick day from being a parent so why should he?

We ended up having a huge fight about how unsympathetic I am to him feeling unwell and that he'd probably have gotten more rest at work Hmm I don't want to make him feel worse but isn't he overreacting? He made me feel terribly guilty about it, yet somehow I can't see me getting a day off to rest if I'm sick...

Am I being a hard-arse cow?? Totally prepared to hear I ABU Blush

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 05/09/2017 23:31

YANBU. Well enough for PlayStation, well enough to hold one of his own children. He sounds like a bit of an arse, to be honest. Is he any more helpful when he's not mildly unwell?

CleopatraCatLover · 05/09/2017 23:38

Of course yanbu! Man holds his child when he's unwell shocker! Is it really 2017 and not 1957? Another twaty man child, there's loads on here tonight!

DaviesMum · 05/09/2017 23:55

He still has his balls after that performance?

Fake nails get through delicate scrotum in no time at all. Chop chop.

NorthumbrianGirl · 05/09/2017 23:58

YANBU. He is being a dickhead.

Parents have to continue to parent when unwell.

Butterymuffin · 06/09/2017 00:01

He's had to hold his own child a couple of times during a day at home? Diddums.

I assume he'll be going into work tomorrow, if he thinks he'll get more rest there? Do ask him.

KarateKitten · 06/09/2017 00:03

What a selfish jerk.

haveacupoftea · 06/09/2017 00:08

Oh he had to hold his own child? Boo fucking hoo. YANBU. Hope he gets the shits as well.

PurpleMinionMummy · 06/09/2017 00:15

Tell him to piss off back to work then

stella23 · 06/09/2017 00:22

Of course yanbu, it's really rubbish op and I know how you feel, I can only suggest maybe sit down with him and tell him how unfair I'm he is being

awifeyforlifey · 06/09/2017 08:38

YANBU. Did he actually say that in front of the kids?

He said he'd get more rest at work, so go ahead and take it at face value. Personally I'd get the front door open, toss out some trousers and a shirt for him to put on in the car and send him back to work on the spot. When he came home the PlayStation would be missing and remain so until he shaped up. End of.

Poppingoffnow · 06/09/2017 08:41

Wow yanbu!!!!

Why are men so pathetic when they're sick?!

happypoobum · 06/09/2017 08:41

Is he always such a cunt?

AuContraire · 06/09/2017 08:43

Does he not enjoy having his DS?

When he's 'well', how involved is he?

Original poster
ShiftyLookingBadger · 06/09/2017 09:03

Wow, quite surprised by responses, I was half expecting to get grilled Confused Phew! I guess I'm so used to HIM telling me I'm BU! Grin

His upset tummy is related to a chronic condition that flares up every few years, although this time he thinks he overindulged on the booze at a wedding last weekend to set it off. When it was at its worst 4 years ago he was in hospital with it. This week it's just made him feel crampy and dodge, but I guess that's one of the reasons he is able to get me with the guilt card - knowing how bad it has been in the past.

One of the things that can make him flare is stress. During the argument he even said 'You're so horrible to me, I wonder why I'm ill?!' Basically blaming me for him being ill Hmm I wish he'd hurry up and feel better so he can stop being as much of an arse.

Fetch He's very helpful around the house, usually and is good with our DD (he is the fun one, bleugh) but he gets very frustrated with DS, he's not great with the young baby phase at the beat of times so when he's bot feeling well it's tenfold!

Buttery He's staying off again today too. His new game arrives, but he has admitted today that he's pushing it this time and said through a smile that he is making sure he's fully rested before going back Grin I followed that with 'you're definitely not getting out of parent duty then'...

OP posts:
gamerchick · 06/09/2017 09:07

You're being too nice. I love it when a game I'm waiting for comes out but I don't shirk everything else.

2014newme · 06/09/2017 09:07

Oh gosh get antibiotics for the sinusitis you must be on your knees!

MumsOnCrack · 06/09/2017 09:09

I'd go out! I find having DH around during the week quite unhelpful, even when he's trying to help as he messes with my routine.

MrTrebus · 06/09/2017 09:14

I'm guessing he gets sick pay? My husband doesn't and had to take a day off recently for a bad bout of diarrhoea and I didn't let him look after the baby in case it was a bug but he still did washing and did the dishwasher etc. Not hard to move washing around was his reasoning and thereforenot hard for someone who is not really ill to hold his baby for a few minutes. He is massively taking the piss.

expatinscotland · 06/09/2017 09:18

Bet they love him at work! Is he just as lazy there?

Original poster
ShiftyLookingBadger · 06/09/2017 09:20

Contraire He gets very flustered if DS gets upset. The other day (when not ill) he has him for literally 5 mins in the evening (def 5 mins as I was microwaving a spud) and DS was screaming, I came back in and he had out him down and just ignored him. Apparently "nothing" would work and he just wanted to scream. I picked him up and took him to the kitchen with me and he started giggling Hmm I think OH can be pretty lazy. I was livid (and starving Angry ) He'll be amazing with him once he can run about, as he is with DD.

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 06/09/2017 09:24

It's common practice to ban devices if children are off school ill. Just saying.

Only joking, but yeah he's being a dick. You can look forward to having to use up all your annual leave for school holidays when you go back to work, and him taking random days off when he feels like it.

Original poster
ShiftyLookingBadger · 06/09/2017 09:25

2014 I had antibiotics a month ago and they didn't work Sad FML. Oddly my dentist has referred me for x-rays when I mentioned it to him (more as a warning in case he came across grossness unwittingly) It's a drop in clinic in the city however so kiddy logistics will be a nightmare to figure out.

expat He sounds amazing at work, they love him!

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 06/09/2017 09:35

He sounds like a prick

The ONLY reason he shouldn't be looking after his own child is if he's really too ill (as in can't get out of bed except to crawl to the toilet ill) and/or highly contagious. Well enough to play PlayStation and a chronic condition so not contagious = he should be getting a fucking grip.

hes a parent. He doesn't get to opt out of the bits he doesn't like Hmm

PollyFlint · 06/09/2017 10:02

I was about to say that if he's got something potentially infectious he should probably stay away from the baby but have now seen your follow-up saying it's a chronic condition. In that case, YANBU and it won't hurt him to hold a four-month-old baby for twenty minutes while you make some lunch. He's being a twat. Obviously if he was wiped out with flu or doubled over in agony, it would be different, or if your older child was climbing all over him while he has a stomach ache -
but if he can play Playstation he can certainly at least hold a small baby for a bit. He needs to stop whinging.

faithinthesound · 06/09/2017 11:41

The law should be if you make a baby, you damn well care for that baby (unless, of course, you adopt it out, obviously). I bet he was pretty gung-ho about MAKING the babies. Now he can bloody well pitch in and help RAISE the babies, because it wasn't all you in that bedroom, and so it shouldn't be all you now.

Oh, he's sick? Boo freaking hoo. Millions of sick parents all over the world have to keep on keeping on because that is what being a parent is. You don't magically stop being a parent because your stomach is a bit skew-wiff.

Oh, he thinks this sickness is because he overindulged? So he's basically admitting that he brought this on himself? Then I have even LESS sympathy for him.

Men behave this way because women let them behave this way. Behavior is learned. I am not trying to victim blame, because I know it's not your fault he's a selfish piece of shit. But if you let this slide, and he continues to be a selfish piece of shit... well, he's showing you who he is. Either you're willing to live with who that is, or you're not.