Worried that this may come across as performance parenting

[notgivingin789]

Hey all !

DS has very severe speech and language/ social communication difficulties.

When DS was younger, I went on a Makaton course and taught DS to sign... with his speech therapist at the time, hugely recommended as it will aide his speech development and to do it as often as possible. Once upon a time, whilst DS was on the bus, I was signing to him as I spoke...however I heard a woman saying to someone (I assume a friend) saying "Gosh... I hate parents like her, always needing to show off...".

Since then, I've been really cautious of doing certain things with DS incase it seems like I am performance parenting. Currently DS speech therapist recommended that DS needed a high tec system (communication aide when you press buttons and it talks)... from parents and professionals who know about high tec AAC...it's recommended that you use the device as often as possible, outside...all the time basically to generalise the skills.

However, I feel anxious when I use DS device in public... I definitely do not want to come across as like I'm performance parent... but I have to do use it to help him.

What are your takes on this ?

You are doing what your child needs. Ignore anyone who is rude enough to comment.

Either that or very politely put them right (and watch them burn with embarrassment).

Rise above it and give your DS what he needs.

MN makes too much of performance parenting, you can never tell from a quick snapshot in a park or cafe what someone else is dealing with.

There's always going to be someone out there to give you a verbal bashing, no matter what you do.
Just do what's best for your family and ignore any comments (if you can, I know it's easier said than done).

I don't think you should give a flying fuck what people think. Your DS needs the support, and you sound like you are doing an absolutely terrific job with him. Don't let a few jealous idiots put you off. There are some people who are always ready to construe every little thing in a negative way.

Performance parenting, to me, is much more about performing your values and privilege as a parent, e.g. saying (very loudly) 'Oh Algernon, we only have organic food at home, don't we?' I would assume that a child with a communication aide needed a communication aide, and nothing more.

Thank you all !

But how can I get rid of this anxiety ?

Fake it until you can make it!

Just grit your teeth and do it and then after the first few times you'll start to feel better about it.

I was prepared for possibly flaming but no way! I have two with Sen and one has a very severe delay. Ignore, ignore, ignore and give these people no time whatsoever. You're doing what's best for your son.

I've just started a thread on performance parenting cause my ds is home educated. From the answers on there you are definitely not performance parenting

You need a little mantra "it's for DS" or "fuck the haters". Whatever works for you

If your son needs it then it doesn't matter what other people thin.

Do what you need to and let them think what they will.

You are merely prioritising your child's needs over those of a random woman on the bus.

If you are prone to anxiety about people judging you, get off mumsnet and stay off.

Seriously, you'll be amazed at the difference. 1 week cold turkey you'll feel a kind of odd freedom you can't put your finger on 2 weeks cold turkey and you'll stop caring whether people are judging you. 3 weeks and you'll be unselfconsciously parenting your children as you see fit.

I'm not even joking.

Thank you all .

I do use it in public, but it takes a lot out of me !

I've been judged throughout my life and sadly it has affected my self esteem.

I just have to grit my teeth and bare it.

Imagine if your DS was deaf and could only use sign, or you spoke another language at home. Why would you fail to communicate with him in public?

drs

Exactly ! But because DS can talk (it's very disordered and unclear) some people tell me that he doesn't need it.

No, honestly, I loathe performance parenting and what you're doing really isn't it.

When your child isn't like all the other children, you have to get over the embarrassment. You have to fight their corner and demand the support they need. You are his spokesperson - he needs your help. Don't let your anxiety stop you doing that.

Practice a death stare in the mirror and throw it at anyone who comments

There will always be some people who know better than you. The trick is to ignore them.

What are your takes on this ?

That you should take no notice at all of what seemingly unpleasant randoms on buses think.

If I saw you doing sign language and talking with a child no way would I think you were showing off, I would think your child was trying to learn to lip read. as had hearing difficulties.
As to the AAC, most normal people would be too busy thinking what a great parent you were to be out with your child and looking after their needs. Go supermum Go.

That is the point at which I loudly say "and now x, you must always mind your own business. It's terribly rude otherwise."

I never heard of performance parenting until I joined mumsnet. I know what you mean, OP, whenever my DDs want me to sing something, I find myself looking around to make sure no one is watching.

It's what your DS needs so keep on doing it, you sound like a great mum to him.

This is your child's way of communicating. Nobody would think you were performance parenting by using a wheelchair. It's exactly the same thing and if anyone said anything I would tell them that. I think you were very unlucky with the woman on the bus though. There aren't many people that idiotic.

I think that you were very unlucky to come across someone who would comment.

I had no idea that anyone would consider seeing someone sign & speak worthy of noticing/mentioning!

As PPs say, you have to do what you need to for your son.

I think you need to just refocus..This is far more important than the judgments of some random stranger on the bus...

Think of it in terms of how it will help your DS rather than worrying about what everyone else thinks.

Just put all your focus on DS and ignore the ignorant sods! My DS is waiting on an ASD diagnosis and can have some quite bad meltdowns in public, but I just focus on him and am oblivious to people staring and whatnot. My DP looks round to see who's watching and guesses what they're thinking about DS/our parenting etc but if I worried about that it'd drive me mad! You're just being the best mum you can be by helping him use the tools necessary for him to communicate.