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AIBU?

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Original poster

Worried that this may come across as performance parenting

57 replies

notgivingin789 · 05/09/2017 15:39

Hey all !

DS has very severe speech and language/ social communication difficulties.

When DS was younger, I went on a Makaton course and taught DS to sign... with his speech therapist at the time, hugely recommended as it will aide his speech development and to do it as often as possible. Once upon a time, whilst DS was on the bus, I was signing to him as I spoke...however I heard a woman saying to someone (I assume a friend) saying "Gosh... I hate parents like her, always needing to show off...".

Since then, I've been really cautious of doing certain things with DS incase it seems like I am performance parenting. Currently DS speech therapist recommended that DS needed a high tec system (communication aide when you press buttons and it talks)... from parents and professionals who know about high tec AAC...it's recommended that you use the device as often as possible, outside...all the time basically to generalise the skills.

However, I feel anxious when I use DS device in public... I definitely do not want to come across as like I'm performance parent... but I have to do use it to help him.

What are your takes on this ?

OP posts:
MrsFrisbyMouse · 05/09/2017 16:39

I'm in the same position as you (now 6 year old with a very severe speech disorder) and you really have to grow a tough skin. People feel that need to comment all the time. You will find it easier as time goes on. I know I am my childs champion in the world and I really don't care anymore what other people think/say because I know I am doing my best.

Original poster
notgivingin789 · 05/09/2017 16:43

Thank you everyone ! I just got to do this !

Starlight Your back!

Really appreciate all the advice ! I need to refocus and out my DS , despite what anyone else thinks, first.. I just know that if I don't do this...his speech and language needs may never improve and it will be all my fault because I allowed what (strangers) thought of me.

I'm going to keep championing on.

OP posts:
MrsFrisbyMouse · 05/09/2017 16:44

Oh and sometimes it is 'performance' parenting. My childs disability is not obvious and people sometimes don't understand when he's sometimes behaving in a way that seems inappropriate in some way. (usually like a much younger child) A few well placed signs and a communicative voice helps others to realise that you are actually dealing with a child with needs.

MrsJayy · 05/09/2017 16:47

Urgh some folk are just a pure misery they really are you were signing not singing twinkle twinkle as an opera. ,please keep speaking to your son however you need to and try and not be too self concious and worry Flowers

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/09/2017 16:48

Your anxiety might be making you slightly more paranoid and self conscious than you need to be. I think judgemental rude people are far out numbered by understanding empathetic people. (I like to think so anyway)! The device might attract attention or a few glances but these are probably just curiosity rather than scorn.

Perhaps having a couple of prepared replies for any ignorant comments would make you feel more confident?
I hope it becomes easier for you the more you are out and about with the device, and keep up the signing.

It's understandable you feel a bit self conscious but I'm sure it will be clear that you're not showing off in anyway.

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/09/2017 16:49

DS1 has ASD and had hearing difficulties throughout his early years with several operations to try and remedy it. We both learned makaton and used it often. I think MrsFrisby is spot-on; you have to grow a hide like a rhino and think "fuck off, dearie" while you ignore it.

An older lady in a supermarket once told me that by learning makaton I was teaching DS1 to be lazy and he'd never learn to speak because I gave him an opt-out. Everyone's got an opinion on your parenting, every one of those opinions are bullshit. The only one that matters is yours; you know your DC better than anyone. Do what's right for you and roll your eyes at the asshats.

As an aside, though, DS1 is 11 now and speaks beautifully. He still remembers makaton and has learned BSL as we have a deaf family member. We use it to communicate occasionally and at no point has signing ever prevented him from learning language. If anything it made our lives a thousand times better by reducing his stress and frustration at not being understood.

FadedRed · 05/09/2017 16:52

Use whatever you need to do to help your child, Op, and ignore random strangers ignorant comments.
I can think of a couple of signs that you could use to get that message across, one with the index and middle fingers, the other with the middle finger on it's own......

Mamabear4180 · 05/09/2017 16:54

I only heard the words 'performance parenting' today on mumset. There's another thread going on at the moment asking what your most hated mumsnet phrases are, I wonder if it's on there!

I don't care what people call it or how it makes me feel, my kids come before social anxiety and pressure to behave a certain way. I always thought that and it's being tested now more than ever as my 2.8 year old has asd. Communication is a struggle for her too, I have to hold my finger in front of her eyes before pointing at things or she won't look. She doesn't answer people's questions or answer to her name. I probably look really slack because I don't tell her off for ignoring people.

I care way more about my kid than a bunch of randoms and their sliver of knowledge about our world. You got to have a thick skin, it's what he needs. Judgey people are misguided and obnoxious, it's nobody else's buisness how you speak to your son.

Glumglowworm · 05/09/2017 16:59

If anyone is rude enough to make comments just say (or imagine yourself saying) "well id rather be showing off/performance parenting/whatever than a nosy judgemental bitch like you"

It's not performance parenting or showing off anyway, it's just parenting your child in the way they need. I can't promise no one will judge you, people make all sorts of wrong judgements about other people all day long. But 99% of them won't be rude enough to say it aloud, so don't worry about them. And anyone who is rude enough to comment isn't worth giving consideration to because they're just ignorant bitches.

haveacupoftea · 05/09/2017 17:04

I was reading the performance parenting thread earlier thinking, this will be me as a parent. My son has severe hearing loss - he is deaf. I have to speak loudly and clearly and in exaggerated tones to him. He's currently only a baby but he wears hearing aids and we want as much sound to get in as possible. I have to talk to him so that he can learn to speak.

Anyone complaining about it better prepare for a discussion on how to mind their own business and not be judgemental. Your child comes first OP, do what you have to do.

Serialweightwatcher · 05/09/2017 17:05

Whatever is best for your child is what you do ... take no notice of rude idiots who have no clue about your life - you'll always find idiots around every corner but you need to remember that's all they are and they have no effect on yours or your child's life so you must try to ignore and see them for what they are - one person makes a ridiculous, snotty comment but hundreds of people wouldn't judge, so go with the majority and your own mind - good luck

Alanna1 · 05/09/2017 17:05

But who cares what other people think when your DC has SN and you're doing it for that reason?

Silverthorn · 05/09/2017 17:09

Before mumsnet I would have assumed the rude hater on the bus was talking about/ to someone else. Always assume this unless they get right in your face.

LaurieMarlow · 05/09/2017 17:12

Why would you care? Seriously.

You do what's best for your child and the rest of the world can go fuck itself if it has a problem with that.

Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2017 17:12

Who cares what anyone thinks? I have a non-verbal adult son. Communicating in any way possible is far more important than what arseholes who don't have a clue think. And to be blunt if you take away communication you're going to get judged on the resulting behavioural shitstorm anyway....

formerbabe · 05/09/2017 18:39

Just do what you need to do. Your priority is your DC not what random, rude members of the public think. My dc had s+l difficulties. I'm sure many on here would look at me and think I'm performance parenting...I'm not, I'm doing what is necessary to help my DC. I hate all the threads on here about 'performance parenting'. You have no idea why people are doing what they're doing or what their life entails.

PollyFlint · 05/09/2017 19:59

I wouldn't even know what a makaton sign was; I've heard the word before but I've no real clue what it's for or what the signs look like. So If I saw someone doing any kind of noticeable signing while talking to their child I'd simply assume the child needed this for whatever reason, whether it was hearing impairment or communication problems or something else. I definitely wouldn't think this was performance parenting; it's not attention-seeking in any way.

Billygoatfluff · 05/09/2017 20:40

I'd not heard of performance parenting until mumsnet. I talk and sing to my child when out as it's good for his development and I like to talk to him. I get babble back as he's not yet old enough to talk. Also nice just to talk if I've spent the whole day alone with an under 1. Maybe I'll inspire a mumsnet rant as my voice is not sotto sotto enough for people who really should be worrying about more important things!
Ignore other people OP as they are not as important to you as your DC.

TeddyBee · 05/09/2017 21:33

You need to stop giving the fucks. You are not doing anything to bother anyone else, and what they think doesn't matter to you x

MrsBobDylan · 05/09/2017 21:43

If it helps op, I put on a vague smile and lift my chin a little. I think I am classed as THAT parent who is 'oblivious to their little snow flakes behaviour' on mn. It helps me though to think that I am pissing people off. A little bit of fun as I struggle onWink.

Comtesse · 05/09/2017 21:48

I find a nice sharp "mind your own business, pal" in piercing tones is called for now and again when dealing with idiots in public places.....

Don't let your fear of judgements by no-marks stop you doing the right thing for your lovely child. Their views are WORTHLESS!

Friendlylightupbear · 05/09/2017 21:51

I'd never heard of performance parenting since i came on mumsnet! I get where you're coming from, my daughter is profoundly deaf, we sign and i also talk as she recently got a cochlear implant. I also do all the sing-songy speech stuff that our SALT recommends, and repeat DDs noises back to her (which at the moment are just variations on "ummmmmm"), and God i feel like a twat when I'm doing all that! But needs must. If anyone ever stares (which is rare) i stare back... and keep staring... and keep staring... Freaks them right out Grin

shivermytimbers · 05/09/2017 21:55

People who witter on about performance parenting really irritate the crap out of me. It feeds into the whole "women should be quiet, meek and subservient" bollocks.
Ignore them OP and carry on doing what's best for your child

faithinthesound · 05/09/2017 22:32

But see, what you were doing was focused on your child.

When I think of performance parenting, I think of this woman I saw once on the bus with her toddler. She was going on and on at the top of her voice "Look Petunia, a cow! What does a cow say? No, Petunia, mustn't throw Mommy's keys on the floor, how will we get in the house? Let's read our book, Petunia, the book we brought with us! How does it start?" But the key thing was, at the end of every sentence, this woman looked around to see who was watching.

Her parenting was a performance for the rest of us, who made up her captive audience on the bus.

Your parenting is geared toward your child, the needs you know he has, and doing everything in your power to cater to those needs.

I think we all know, one of those parenting styles is not only fine, it's commendable, and the other one is ridiculous and shameful. But if you need a hint, I'd say, you're not the ridiculous one here Wink

Have some Flowers and remember, you know your son best, and you're being a good mom to him.

peachgreen · 05/09/2017 23:04

I have never judged anyone for so-called 'performance parenting' and I hope I never will. I think a lot of the judgement comes from envy, to be honest.

Keep doing what you're doing OP!

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