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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about performance parenting?

40 replies

Iloveanimals · 05/09/2017 15:00

What do you define as PP?

Ds is home educated and therefore when we are out and about we are studying things. I only talk to him and don't shout the whole place down. Mostly it's talking and me asking him questions etc.
But I'd hate to look like a PP
What exactly is one and have you met any recently? I've seen one thread put up this morning and it's kind of stirred me up to ask Stories and examples anyone?

OP posts:

coddiwomple · 05/09/2017 15:07

Performance is when you do it for the benefit of other people who could not care less

It's obvious when you are entertaining your kid, QUIETLY, or doing some kind of homework, and when you are showing off. For a start, normal parents tend to shush their kids or ask them to be quieter in public when they have a chat. Performance parent seem to encourage the volume up!

It's also obvious when you are in a place where the children need to be distracted (plane, train, or restaurant at a push).

I think that when you keep a reasonable volume, and people around can't really hear you, then you are fine. it's the noise the problem. You will only get judged when you disturb others.

dollydaydream114 · 05/09/2017 15:14

Yeah, it's not what people do/say with the child that defines Performance Parenting, it's the way they do it. It's easy to tell when someone is just being a great parent having fun helping their child learn, and when they are in fact just Showing Off to everyone else in the room. Usually there's a particular loud, hectoring tone that goes with it, as if they were talking to a class of 30 rather than their own child.

What you're doing doesn't sound performance-ish at all; you're doing fine! No need to worry.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 05/09/2017 15:21

Performance parenting usually comes at a volume the whole room/space can hear and not so discreet glances at other adults in the room to check they have noticed what a fantastic parent you are being.

Original poster

Iloveanimals · 05/09/2017 15:49

Ah I see! They must be funny to watch though right? I haven't yet seen one I shall keep my eyes (and ears) open...

OP posts:

HattiesBackpack · 05/09/2017 15:58

I witnessed performance parenting for the first time last Christmas- think a Santa's magical wonderland type place, a group of 10 or so children sitting on benches facing Santa having a chat with them all, parents dotted round at the back just enjoying watching the kids and the magic of it all, one parent sat with her toddler talking constantly explaining where we were, who santa was, how other countries have different versions of santa etc- and she wasn't whispering she was actually talking over Santa! took all the rest of us parents giving her wide eyed stares of disbelief to shut her up!

Squashit · 05/09/2017 16:01

I saw a spectacular one at a National Trust property. I walked around the bend in a pathway lined with trees and this PP sprang up and bellowed something at a volume of which Brian Blessed would recoil.....

"Looked at the branches, Reuben, the glorious majesty"

The child unmoved was kicking the trunk ignoring her....

"Reuben, what angle did we say this branch was at?"

Child continues to ignore.

Polka dot Boden was in evidence.

drspouse · 05/09/2017 16:03

We don't home ed but we still educate our children at home and out and about.

Much easier to talk about flags/castles/sheep/cows/hills/rain/snow/centripetal force/anything you can name when you are actually in the presence of said item or phenomenon.

Signs and notices are also great for practicing decoding.

So YABU if you think this is only the preserve of home educators.

But YADNBU if you are, you know, talking to your child in a way that helps them learn something, in public.

Perhaps people would prefer it if we just never talked to our children in public? Or maybe misinforming them, or just saying "you're doing my head in" would be better.

Original poster

Iloveanimals · 05/09/2017 16:04

Talking over santa
They both sound marvelous 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Iloveanimals · 05/09/2017 16:05

Definitely don't think the only people who interact with their children are home educators.

OP posts:

drspouse · 05/09/2017 16:07

No, I'm sure you don't - but bear in mind that "my DS is in Year 1 and therefore when we are out and about we are studying things" is just as accurate.

Otherwise, carry on, and if we eavesdrop we might learn something, or Mr Knowitall DS might correct you even though he's wrong.

Or, just say "you're doing my head in" instead.

AtlanticWaves · 05/09/2017 16:12

For me performance parenting is not necessarily teaching DC whilst out and about but giving information that is not relevant but done to impress others.

E.g. in a supermarket : "Oh yes we need kale don't we? You love kale don't you little Johnny? Just like you love eating carrots and cabbage and courgettes. But you don't like sweeties do you? No, they're nasty and full of additives aren't they?"

Original poster

Iloveanimals · 05/09/2017 16:21

I have to see these people

OP posts:

Jezzifishie · 05/09/2017 16:22

I always feel so self conscious about this, I have a DD who is a rather dramatic toddler. She will bellow a song at the entire bus, despite me telling her to be quiet. I'm concerned that people will think I'm asking her to show off, I'm really not

Original poster

Iloveanimals · 05/09/2017 16:27

No. You'd be a pp if you got up and did a duet with her

OP posts:

Trampire · 05/09/2017 16:31

@ "The Glorious Majesty"

Brilliant.

Lovingmybear2 · 05/09/2017 16:33

They are parents who are super loud and not looking st their children when they speak but at other parents.

Usually hanging around NT houses or museums/art galleries.

Jezzifishie · 05/09/2017 16:33

She does often ask me to join in! I end up singing in this stupid whisper, and feel like everyone is judging.

Ttbb · 05/09/2017 16:35

I'm always really worried (in hindsight) about coming across as a PP. I tend to go off on a bit of a tangent when talking to myDC (especially the little one who is not talking). But let's put it this way. If you behave exactly the same way at home with no audience then you are not a PP, even if some people may think that you are.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 05/09/2017 16:40

Performance Parenting isn't about the child. It's about the parents trying to show off how 'intelligent' they are or that they are 'such a good parent'.
All normal parents interact with their children. All normal parents talk about things they see with their children. PP's are all about showing off.
For example, if I took my children to Corfe Castle I might point out the broken archway or even tell my eldest a bit about Cromwell.
I wouldn't do it in a loud voice, I wouldn't keep looking around to see if anyone else is also basking in my brilliance and I'd keep it to their level. I also wouldn't start putting down other parents who I don't believe are instilling their children with sufficient knowledge.

QuackingHell · 05/09/2017 16:41

I end up looking at other people when I'm chatting to my dc but only to make sure I'm not disturbing them! I'd hate people to think I was performance parenting. But I'm probably quite irritating becasue I do chatter on to them innanely.

Alltheprettyseahorses · 05/09/2017 16:44

The phenomenon of 'performance parenting' is fabricated by extraordinarily egotistical adults who are under the delusion that a parent is more interested in them than in their own child. In reality, the parent most likely doesn't even know they are there.

ItsAllAboutThePace · 05/09/2017 16:53

funnily enough the only examples i have seen (same family) are the home educators who live nearby. one was at the school fair!! running commentary on the odds of winning on tombola!

its painful....they were a few people ahead of us in sainsbury's self service queue.....busy monday morning, they were doing the full on, scan everything with their 3 kids, making sure they all had 3 turns each, running commentary going at full pitch, 'how much does this weigh' 'where is this product sourced from'. then the kids all argued over putting in the card and pin number!

god, it was awful. the parent fully indulging them and when it came to paying,YES, the onlookers were rewarded with a smug glance our way as the 6 year old put in the pin number.....just to make sure we had all seen this amazing child

sod off! nobody cares, we all wanted to get on with our day!

ItsAllAboutThePace · 05/09/2017 16:55

why are all these parents 'interested in their own child' glancing around continually and getting louder as they go? the children involved are usually quite desperate to get away from said parent and ....play...alone

MrsHathaway · 05/09/2017 17:03

Whether it's performance parenting or just, um, parenting is mainly to do with the child. If the child is asking questions and the parent is answering, that's OK. If the child loses interest, does the parent shut up or prattle on?

eg
6: What's that tree?
M: Well, now, let's see. It has acorns on it and the leaves have wobbly edges so it's a ...
6: Oak?
M: That's the one. And this one with the leaves that look like hands ... OK never mind.
6: Can I have a biscuit?

M: Just BEHOLD the GLORIOUS SYLVANIAN MAJESTY of the oak in full leaf!
6: The what? Can I have a biscuit?
M: You've always LOVED trees, haven't you, darling? Your FIRST WORD was ARBORICULTURE, wasn't it?
6: Arb-i-what? Can I have my tablet now?
M: Oh you're so CLEVER. Now this is a beech tree, more properly Fagus sylvatica although commonly mistaken for ...
6:

grecian100 · 05/09/2017 17:19

PP is loud, highly repetitive, accompanied by attention seeking glances at everyone in the locality and usually involves a child who looks uninterested (eg the glorious majesty child) or has a blank look because he is completely bewildered as to what his parent is talking about.

We had the most wonderful glorious majestical PP at our home ed group. Her 2.5 year old son would paint a picture that consisted of random lines and splodges; very age appropriate stuff. She would then very loudly exclaim "Oh Christofferson, you are just obsessed with the Bayeux tapestry aren't you? Yes darling, we all know that history is your favourite subject! Not to worry son, it's only four weeks until your Open University module on Ancient Civilizations starts. We all know how keen you are start. Daddy is arranging with his friend for you to do work experience in The Natural History Museum darling. We all know how that is your favourite place!" Christofferson was eating the paint by this stage

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