To want a five minute break at the weekend.

[BabiesEverywhere]

Currently my DH works hard at his full time career job, he leaves the house at 6am and gets home between 4pm and 7pm depending on work load.

I am a SAHM (on maternity leave) and I do all the food shopping, cleaning, cooking and childcare including night waking on my own.

So far we are both happy, I am home with our daughter and my DH doesn't have to do any housework.

But at the weekends I ask him to help me look after our daughter for 5 minutes here or there, so I can pop on the dinner on or have a quick 'baby free' shower and I get complaints of why can't I take the baby with me

During the week I do take her everywhere, she crawls naked in the bath when I am in the shower and sits just outside the kitchen with toys whilst I put on the dinner but it takes twice the time to do anything dragging a baby around with me, I just want a short break at the weekend so I can do things faster without my precious baby in tow.

Am I being unreasonable ?

I suppose the answer is to marry/mate with an insomniac

It sounds like you feel a bit guilty and unsure for WANTING some time to yourself. Your DH knows that and is milking it big time. If you were employed as a live-in nanny/housekeeper (which is the JOB you are doing), there would be hours of employment and time off, no question. So as you are unsure what is reasonable and as he most definitely is not going to give it unless you insist, try writing your own job description - it's an interesting exercise, honest! If you die (of exhaustion) your DH will have to employ someone to replace you if he wants to continue working. Pretend to yourself for a moment that you are that employee and you will be able to better understand what you need. Given that he only respects 'a proper job', it might be educational for him to see written down what it is you actually do - including the night shift.

yes agree with HotXMum, if you don't put your foot down over your own, very deserved, time off, you must consider your dd. She needs a dad as well as a mum.

You owe it to them both to express milk for him to feed her every evening before her bedtime, make his job her bath, and his job to take her to baby swim classes every Saturday.

That's what my DH did. He still does all the bathing and hairwashing, too, does one school run a week, does some homework every weekend, puts at least one dd to bed most nights, and is an assistant director, out at work from usually 7 to at least 7 every weekday. He doesn't always do the childcare as well as I would, but he does it.

And you must bugger off for a whole weekend, ASAP. Go visit a friend or relative in need or something, make one up if necessary.

I do feel guilty about wanting time off and I do enjoy being a SAHM 99% of the time.

I have got the number to the local gym and I'm going to look into going to a day class with DD and the cost including bus fare, 20 minute walk to the gym and childcare place.

Then compare that to going to night when he can look after DD for free and I could take the family car straight to the gym

I rang the nearest good size gym (i.e. with exercise class)and they have closed their childcare

So even DH looks after DD or I can't go...BTW classes are £3.60 EACH !!! Sounds expensive to me.

Anyway off to do lunch and start dinner cooking

BE I'm so sorry it has come to this

I have had this problem too and you were full of good advice for me at the time. You have to be firmer with him (like you have told me to be with my dh). Since I sat dh down and told him in black and white that he was being unfair he has been much better, he has taken on most of the cooking and a large chunk of shopping for a start.

Don't ask him if it's OK for you to "book" time off - just do it. After all he does. If you want to go to an exercise class, just go. If dd makes a mess and you aren't there, he will have to clean up. If he hasn't done it when you get home, leave it.

I agree with others that you should ask him his reasons. If he is nervous then you can deal with that. Your hospital stay should have showed him htat he is perfectly capable of doing a good job.

Ask him to work out how long he thinks tasks should take that you do all day - he'll soon figure out that shopping, cooking etc takes time. Also remind him that you are still bf and that takes time too. Work out roughly how long that takes and add it to the time it takes to do the more mundane household tasks. Ask him how long it would take him to go insane if all he did was housework and childcare (this worked a treat with my dh!!) and point out that all you are asking for is a few hours here and there, not for him to do everything when he is not at work, just so you can have a break and do something for yourself.

fwiw I wouldn't set out a schedule as such - that's far to open to him being funny if you want to change the agreement. Keep it flexible if you can and then you can change it to suit whatever you want to do at the time.

How about, if he won't help out more with dd then you stop doing his washing for a while? He'll soon get the message.

When I am over at the weekend we should pop out on our own for a while and leave the men to look after the kids.

You know that he is not being intentionally selfish. He is the love of your life and he is (usually!) a lovely man. He just needs a massive kick up the arse, and a reminder that having a child means that you can't carry on your life as you did pre-children.

Yes, That would be funny to pop out at the weekend and leave them with a crawling baby and a toddler...we can go to the pub/cinema/shopping sounds like bliss...not that it will happen.

On the bright side my mum is going to babysit on the 'saturday after payday' on a regularly basis, so we have a monthly date night to look forward to Not that we can go out fro a meal with my restrictive diet but we can do something together and that is something I am looking forward to doing.

First one is in 2.5 weeks off

I think because for men life doesn't always change immensely, as it does for women, they assume it isn't that different for us too.
Sometimes they seem to think they can just carry on as they used to, but that you just don't mind not going to the gym etc like YOU used to. He wont know either until you tell him that you mind

You're one up on us then, can't remember the last time we went out on our own together

We should pop out, even if it is just to go to get a bit of shopping in or something.

(You can eat out on a restrictive diet btw - most restaurants will do you some grilled chicken, new potatoes & veg or similar if you ask, might be worth ringing a couple of local ones to see what they can do. Also there is always the option of jacket spuds with beans or similar type filling)

Why can't you pop out together for an hour and leave the men to it? There's no reason why you can't! Do it! Do it!

He has no idea that you work full time, 7 days a week, and evenings, whilst (ok he does a long day at work) but then sleeps all night every night, doesn't do any housework, and has the weekends off too!!

Like the idea of stopping doing his washing or cooking his meals for a week!

You shouldn't really need schedules. He's a grown man and he made the decision to have a child too!

You perhaps need to spell it out just how hard you work and just how much you do. And ask why he gets evenings and weekends off and you don't?

Following that discussion, if he won't offer to help out or, take the initiative to look after dd when you're busy doing something - then you have 2 options. Put up with it. Or take the time for yourself. Don't ask.

(Put dd in front of him with a few toys and say I'm going to do xyz upstairs/in the kitchen I'll see you in half an hour. Or feed and change dd and hand her over and say I'm just popping out for half an hour... or whatever. And just tell him that you are now planning to start a class once a week and on that evening you will take the family car and he can watch dd for an hour. And tell him that the least you deserve at the weekend is a shower in peace! If he doesn't listen, put dd in the bath while he's having a shower, go off and do something else, and see how he manages it!!)

It should be an equal relationship on ALL levels. You really shouldn't need to spell this out. Once you have done, if there's no change, you need to start making the changes yourself.

You're not being unreasonable. But the longer he gets away with this behaviour the harder it will be to change it!

Exactly, why can't you pop out for an hour, are your dh's incapable of taking their children to the park for an hour or two???

He is def unreasonable! I have just returned to work after mat leave and now work 4 days a week. When I was on leave hubby was out of the house 8am til 6ish, but as soon as he came in he would take dd and do bath/bottle of ebm and put her to bed. I would snooze/go for a run/make dinner if not prepped already. At weekends he hoovered/did the washing, and did night duty either on Friday or Saturday night. Now I am back at work we alternate who gets up if dd wakes and he does more of the housework.

I didn't have to ask him to do this....he has just done it.

I have reread this and it sounds a bit smug; I didn't intend it to be, I just wanted you to be able to say to dh...'look; other people manage this, so why can't you do a bit?'

Oh I reckon I will have to drag her out for a couple of hours

My dh and BE's dh don't know each other particularly well, BE & I have been friends for ages but our dh's haven't really bonded iyswim, mainly down to my dh and his introvert nature. I don't think he will be too impressed at being left without me at their house. But I'm gonna do it anyway

The men can bond over their daughters.

I think I'll go food shopping tonight when DH gets home.

Normally he'll whine can you not take DD and I'll say no..I haven;t slept in three nights you look after her...he will offer to do the shopping for me whilst I stay home with DD but then he won't get the right stuff and spend far too much money on junk and I don;t get a break.

So I'm going to tell him once he has sat down and I'll leave the house straight away...wish me luck.

{{{CF}}} Can;t wait to see you, it has been FAR too long.

Off to bath baby and try and get her to nap.

I think he needs ti have a long hard look at himself... you also have a full time job, but you dont have his hours.. YOU HAVE MORE.. tell him to try your workload for a couple of days. You need to have time to yourself or you will crack up. You should not have to resort to a schedule, MY DP works long hours but he still homes and takes his turn, if DS wakes up during the night it is him that gets up and leaves me to sleep, DP has had a week off last week and i was under orders not to do my usual stuff, he would take care of it (much to my surpise it has to be said), but i did and what a difference to me, im more relaxed, it easy for us to take control, make him take over a duty at night when he comes in, start with one and keep adding a few more in. Good luck with everything

Good luck BabiesEverywhere sounds like a plan!

Good luck - sounds like a good plan xx

I understand that men who work long hours need a break but what about us mums. He gets evenings and weekends off work well, our job is 7 days a week all day and night!

YOU NEED TO GO OUT AND LEAVE HIM FOR A FEW HOURS!!!

Just tell him to need to get some shopping and bugger off for a while (sometimes shopping without baby is nice) but to be honest if he does not notice what you do in the house then maybe go to town or for a coffee and come home and he prob wont notice you have not been shopping! Let him do some baby time for a change.

Men...mine is learning!! It hit him hard when dd was 3 months and I went away overnight as we nearly split up due to him not handling new baby well. It soon shocked him to see why I was tired all the time and how hard it was to look after a baby and try to get yourself ready and cook clean etc. He now tries alot harder and dd is 18 months old and he feels like he can do more with her now.

good luck babieseverywhere!!!!
i ask for time off, dp doesnt just offer i'm afraid but then i think a lot of men are like that (not all, i know) maybe its just a gender difference?
if there was a role reversal, i'd like to think that if he looked tired or in need of a break, i'd turn around and say 'would you like me to take over for an hour or two darling? why dont you go and get your head down for a while' ..... or do i have my head in the clouds?

Floating, Grrrrr MEN

Bugger, he isn't home yet.

So food shoping will have to be either done tomorrow on the bus with baby in tow, or live on rice until the weekend.

It might be an idea to start doing your weekly shop online. That way you don't have to worry about trying to fit that in as well.