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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For holding a grudge - holiday with "friend"

51 replies

Shippers1987 · 05/09/2017 14:09

Long time lurked here but wanted to get people's opinion o this situation which I feel I have made worse today. Apologies for long post.

In July me oh and dd went on holiday with a new friend and her daughter. We shared a caravan in the UK, I thought it was a good idea as the girls get on really well and are best friends.
We went for 4 nights in the UK. As friends financial situation is different to ours we paid for the majority of the holiday .
Also she was not in the position to have much spending money, so things we did for her and daughter on holiday..
A meal out
Couple of alcoholic drinks
Paid for her for day out at theme park,( she kept the £5 change)
Drove there and back from campsite,
Took her dd out for the afternoon when she wasn't feeling well
Help unload the car.

The massive issue i have she did not say thankyou. Or give any indication she was grateful for what we had done. It's left a bitter taste in my mouth. We don't have much cash to spare and by doing the above meant that we had to cut back on treats and toys for our dd... however friend went and bought those bits for her daughter causing a bit of upset from our dd.

When we dropped her off back at her house tensions were running high without anything being said, when we helped her unpack the car she simply said see you later then.

Since then the only thing I have heard from her is leaving some of d's bits that she had left at their house from previous visits. Then today I saw her when picking up daughter as they have both started the same school today.

She said if I got the bits she had left only she hadn't heard from me. Thing is I'm still waiting for a thank you or an apology in how she had been. So just replied with right see you later( as was I the middle of talking to neighbour)
I just feel really bad for the girls as they are both 4 and was asking to play round each other's house.... Aibu and what should I do to ease the tension.?

OP posts:

Hisnamesblaine · 05/09/2017 14:12

Has she always been so rude/grabby?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/09/2017 14:15

I would take it as a lesson learnt and avoid ever going on holiday or for a day trip etc. with this "friend" again.

By all means, let your DDs be friends and have the little girl over to your house when it is convenient for you to invite her (after school for tea maybe) - but that doesn't mean that you have to be anything more than civil with the adult involved.

No need to fall out about it as such, just distance yourself from anything more than being parents of children who happen to be friends.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/09/2017 14:15

Her bad manners have backfired on her. She has lost the trust of a generous friend.

I don't know what you can do next, it's hard to say "But you didn't even say thanks!" You have every right to say that, though.

Do did a good thing. Just don't treat her again.

Original poster

Shippers1987 · 05/09/2017 14:19

I've only known her for 8 months or so, beforehand not unreasonable requests like taking trip out with her to diy store as no buses run there, she has asked to come with me when doing food shop (which I've avoided). She has helped us out by looking after our daughter a couple of nights, which we have been more than grateful for.

OP posts:

Hisnamesblaine · 05/09/2017 14:21

Is she struggling financially perhaps? Still doesn't make up for her rude behaviour

Original poster

Shippers1987 · 05/09/2017 14:24

Yes she is a lot, hence why I try and help her where I can. she's a single mum, no contact with child's dad, no family. So she doesn't work and is on benefits. Fully understandable as she has no help with looking after her daughter, it's hard enough for me to work ft as my family don't live close but can manage it with my oh helping out.

OP posts:

AlwaysBeBatman · 05/09/2017 14:25

Ironically it sounds like she was angling for a 'thank you' from you for dropping your DDs bits round!

I'd just chalk it up to experience and not socialise with her again - just have her DD round but don't go out of your way.

You did a nice thing, let that be enough - if she can't / won't acknowledge it that's her problem, don't make it yours.

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2017 14:25

I used to do similar for a Neighbour, but I hated it when she thanked me, tbh.

How did it come about that you gave her money for a theme park?

Could she have thought that you were paying her back for babysitting?

blackteasplease · 05/09/2017 14:27

I can't believe she was willing to let you pay for her and then 1. keep your change and 2. buy treats for her dd that you were saying you couldn't afford! She clearly did have the money if she could spend it like that.

I would give them their bits back and by all means invite their dd for tea when it suits you (NOT when the cf Mum asks) but not do anything with the Mum again due to her grabbiness.

MrsJamesAspey · 05/09/2017 14:28

I think you were very brave to go on holiday with someone you barely know. Having a coffee with someone and spending 4 days with them is 2 completely different things and I'm not surprised there's been s fallout.

I'm guessing that she may have a grudge against you for something you did too during the holiday.

I went on holiday with 2 friends and our kids last year and I'd known them both for 7 years from our kids being best friends at school, I fell out with one of them, I just could not tolerate her behaviour towards my children anymore, and now she's fallen out with the other friend too, although me and other friend are still fine.

If your dds are best friends there's no reason why they can't still go to each other's houses, but if you can't "forgive and forget" then just avoid spending time with the mum

Original poster

Shippers1987 · 05/09/2017 14:28

Cause we wanted to go and know she would struggle to pay so offered to with the theme park, 're babysitting she had offered without me asking and when I tried to give her money for it at the time she refused,

OP posts:

blackteasplease · 05/09/2017 14:29

Oh sorry, reread and realise she dropped off your dd thingd rather than you having their dds things.

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2017 14:29

"Yes she is a lot, hence why I try and help her where I can. she's a single mum, no contact with child's dad, no family. So she doesn't work and is on benefits."

Has she said that she struggles directly to you? Are you sure that you aren't making her feel like a charity case?

I'm living on benefits and i'm gettig really pissed off at the way family memebers are 'treating' me to stuff. I don't say thankyou, i budget for what we do and they get to the till before i have chance.

crazycatgal · 05/09/2017 14:31

It doesn't matter whether she struggles or not, I'm sure that she still knows the words 'thank you.' I wouldn't bother again, I wouldn't have expected her to be thanking you every minute but a nice 'thanks for all that you've done' at the end of the holiday would have been nice.

Original poster

Shippers1987 · 05/09/2017 14:33

Birdsgottafly, I've not automatically done the things mentioned in my post above ( apart from letting her pay less towards the holiday) I've always offered/asked which she then took me up on.

OP posts:

LespritDescalier · 05/09/2017 14:36

Are you sure that you aren't making her feel like a charity case?

She took everything offered, so she can hardly feel hard done by on that score. If you don't want someones charity you don't take it, it's not ok to take it and then be arsey that it was given.

Original poster

Shippers1987 · 05/09/2017 14:36

Mrsjamesaspey yes j appreciate that j must have done something also, unsure of what it is, the only thing I can think of is not been keen on cooking in the caravan for tea and lunch and buying out instead, we did it for one day but I needed a break too!

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2017 14:37

"I've always offered/asked which she then took me up on"

I think the bounderies have too quickly become blurred. She isn't your rescue mission. Paying less towards the holiday is fine, if you were booking it anyway, but the rest isn't your responsibilty.

Surely it makes your friendship unequal?

I would go back to her being the Mum of a girl your DD likes (this may change quickly), be less over invested in her finacial setup.

schoolgaterebel · 05/09/2017 14:38

I think you've learnt a valuable lesson about this woman. She obviously has no manners and is clueless socially. You won't be getting a 'thank you' from her.

I would remain polite and pleasant when you see her but don't offer her any more favours.

Continue to let the girls be friends and maybe next holiday offer to take just her DD away with you and leave grabby mother behind.

Original poster

Shippers1987 · 05/09/2017 14:40

I don't feel she is my rescue mission, my finances are too tight for that, plus she has helped me out once or twice with looking after dd as i'm time poor due to working ft. again which I have offered money as well as my gratitude for.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2017 14:41

"If you don't want someones charity you don't take it, it's not ok to take it and then be arsey that it was given."

It's not just about taking it, it about how the person who has given it wants you to react and be beholding.

She may thinkof it a reciprical, her babysitting and the OP is generous rather than pay her, which could have continued, to an extent. I think that the OP hs gone a bit overboard in her worry about the Neighbour's incomings.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 05/09/2017 14:42

I'd be fuming. So she let you pay for her days out, kept the change then bought her DD bits and pieces whilst yours missed out because you were subsidising her. Not on. I actually wouldn't be able to let someone do these things for me because I'd feel guilty and terrible no matter how much the other person didn't mind but I'd be extremely appreciative and would show it as well!

I wouldn't be doing things for her anymore tbh, sounds like she is taking it for granted when you are only trying to be kind and helpful.

Original poster

Shippers1987 · 05/09/2017 14:43

I think the circumstances need to be known to get a fuller picture that's why I mentioned it. I am known to be a bit naieve but learnt with a bump that not everybody can be nice/have manners.

OP posts:

LespritDescalier · 05/09/2017 14:43

It's not just about taking it, it about how the person who has given it wants you to react and be beholding

I think they just expect a thank you, which is hardly outrageous. But again, if you think that is expecting too much, you stop taking.

mummmy2017 · 05/09/2017 14:46

If she had your DD overnight, maybe she thought the Holiday was you saying thanks for the Overnight stays, so why do you need her to thank you for taking her, it would have cost a lot to pay a babysitter for that.
Since she has handed the bits that were your DD, If you want them to be able to play together and they get on it seems ( a bit hard on both children as they won't understand) why don't you just smile and talk to her as if nothing has happened, your both going to see ALOT of each other at the school gates and keeping up an atmosphere takes so much effort...
If you invite the child over for tea, you can say you will drop her back as you need to pop to somewhere, which means you don't have to have the lady in your home, but the girls can be friends.
Oh by the way don't be surprised if your DD knows and has said something to the girl about the holiday, mine dropped me in it once, as she had miss heard my friend and I talking on the phone.

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