For holding a grudge - holiday with "friend"

[Shippers1987]

Long time lurked here but wanted to get people's opinion o this situation which I feel I have made worse today. Apologies for long post.

In July me oh and dd went on holiday with a new friend and her daughter. We shared a caravan in the UK, I thought it was a good idea as the girls get on really well and are best friends.
We went for 4 nights in the UK. As friends financial situation is different to ours we paid for the majority of the holiday .
Also she was not in the position to have much spending money, so things we did for her and daughter on holiday..
A meal out
Couple of alcoholic drinks
Paid for her for day out at theme park,( she kept the £5 change)
Drove there and back from campsite,
Took her dd out for the afternoon when she wasn't feeling well
Help unload the car.

The massive issue i have she did not say thankyou. Or give any indication she was grateful for what we had done. It's left a bitter taste in my mouth. We don't have much cash to spare and by doing the above meant that we had to cut back on treats and toys for our dd... however friend went and bought those bits for her daughter causing a bit of upset from our dd.

When we dropped her off back at her house tensions were running high without anything being said, when we helped her unpack the car she simply said see you later then.

Since then the only thing I have heard from her is leaving some of d's bits that she had left at their house from previous visits. Then today I saw her when picking up daughter as they have both started the same school today.

She said if I got the bits she had left only she hadn't heard from me. Thing is I'm still waiting for a thank you or an apology in how she had been. So just replied with right see you later( as was I the middle of talking to neighbour)
I just feel really bad for the girls as they are both 4 and was asking to play round each other's house.... Aibu and what should I do to ease the tension.?

Maybe she is grateful but feels embarrassed or ashamed that you have had to fund the majority of the holiday.

I have a group of friends who always arrange nights out which I can afford, or they pay for tickets for me. I am extremely grateful at the gesture but I hate it. I do thank them, though, and get my DDs to make thanks you cards etc.

Just be upfront with her but not rude. Ask if everything is OK then mention you'd have hoped to hear more from her, maybe a thank you etc

I think if you want to stay friends / be in contact / facilitate your Dds to have a friendship then you just have to let it go. Some people don't say thank you. My DH's whole family never say thank you and don't seem to expect anyone else to, either. (they are not originally from the UK)

If things seem strained say ''am I getting this wrong or is there something a bit stressy between us? Are you upset with me?"

You've got not much to lose, after all!

Ok so the following people shared a single caravan:
OP
OP's DP
OP's dd
Friend
Friend's dd

To me it looks as if your DP was the odd one out. Did she feel it was a bit awkward being in a caravan together? I don't know but that could be the root of it. Maybe she saw up close how your relationship is and that made me feel as if she was missing out?

I don't think it was full on grabby but more you were happy giving and she took with both hands. I think you need to choose a holiday with an even dynamic and be more careful with your choice of friends.

Some people really are just this rude. BFF took a friend of her teenage dd abroad, paying for everything including the flights. Perfectly well off family who could have offered something but didn't. The friend never even so much as bought the dd an ice cream or uttered a thank you to BFF.

When they got home she just said 'bye then,' and walked home. ( neighbour's). There was no card, no thanks from either parent. Simply weird, rude and unlikely to get many repeat invitations.

I'd be thinking about whether it's worth falling out over missed thank yous vs losing convenient babysitter. You don't ever have to repeat the holiday, but it is handy to have someone local who can help out with babysitting. If that's never an issue, then by all means, cut her out or confront her. Otherwise, stay on friendly terms, just a wee bit cooler, and just make sure you do slip her some money if she babysits.

I know people like this (they take and expect you to be grateful so that they take from you, so you never get a thank you). Don't you know that you should want to give all the time?! ;)

I would distance myself. Otherwise your resentment will build and the situation will get worse.

I wonder if she picked up on your resentment earlier than you think? Maybe she felt awkward or didn't really know what to say when you offered things. I'd love to hear her side because it sounds like there's more to this than you might think.

You took a big risk inviting a skint mum you didn't know very well, if she was a good friend you could have it out with her but it probably would make things worse in this case.

I'd be more picky about who you bring on holiday next time and just keep things pleasant between you at school for the kids sake. Try to let the whole thing go emotionally and put it behind yo. Chalk it up to experience!

I took a friend out for lunch once a month for nearly 2 years. She always made it clear that she had absolutely no money so I always paid.

I was astounded when at our last lunch she showed me the photos of her 3 week family holiday to Thailand. We had a week in Cornwall in a caravan!

I was shocked at how angry I was, I never thought that an issue involving money would bother me at all but I was so pissed off with her. I don't see her now and don't miss her in my life.

OP, I think I'm going to be the lone voice here but no, it wasn't entirely an altruistic thing that you did.

You say that you have different financial circumstances but they don't sound that different to me, both without money to spare. What were you thinking when you, in your head, feel that your 'friend' has less to spend than you do and you don't have much yourself? Did that make some kind of sense to you at the time?

I suspect that you wanted a playmate for your daughter. Well you got one. Most parents go away with their chidren without friends - and certainly if they have finite money to spend they don't 'invite' other people who have less.

Your post makes me uneasy, like you counted the cost of everything and it's almost as if you wanted to (unsuccessfully) play Lady Bountiful... when you're not. You could have and perhaps should have, discussed finances at the outset, who pays for what but it doesn't sound as if you did.

I agree that having your partner there was a bit odd as you had invited a friend. He was just a further drain on resources presumably?

Your list sounds petty to me... unloading the car? What does that even mean?

You said that you perhaps had had some sort of skirmish because you wanted a break and wanted to eat out. This knowing that your friend couldn't afford it. That's mean of you and you changed the goalposts there I think. Considering that you've added buying a meal out to your list I would have thought your friend would feel very awkward to be bought another one. I can imagine the conversation at the beginning, cheap holiday, self cater, etc.

She might be grabby but quite honestly, I wouldn't have you as a friend either. Find another babysitter. Just let your two girls be friends and give each other a wide berth from now.

Lets face it - given the dynamics, things were going to be awkward from the outset as no-one really knew what was expected from the other party? No clear expectations were defined...

She bought her dd a gift, how was she to know your own finances couldn't mirror the same? You'd probably given her the impression that you were in a better position money wise than her.

I'm assuming you handed her money for the theme park - did you tell her that you expected change? Maybe she assumed the money handed to her was a gift in its entirety?

I think you've given mixed signals throughout all the while seething whilst parting with money. Maybe you didn't say how you felt with words - I bet it was written all over your face though.

Serin - when people say they have no money, it doesn't always mean they have no money, just that they prioritise spending on one thing over another. It was a bit mad of you to buy lunch for your friend without finding out what 'got no money' means in reality.

So frequently for two years I mean...

Charley is spot on. People prioritise differently. Your friend was rude, but this is how it often ends up. The party who is spending the money on the other person(s) then scrutinise what this person is spending money on. I would stay friends for your DDs sake but keep distance. You don't have to be best friends with your childrens friends, but don't ruin your childrens friendships either.

Remember, you did not invite her just to be kind, it was also about having a playmate for your dd

It may have been awkward for the mum, to be scrutinised for sufficient gratitude.

Or maybe she is just a taker

But I always think an unequal set up like this rarely works...

I think it's a lesson learned about going on holiday with people that you don't know well and, given that you were sharing a fairly small living space without a lot of privacy for 4 nights, there are hundreds of reasons why your friend was uncomfortable/embarrassed/grumpy at the end of it.

Maybe she was expecting it to be different - just chilling out around the caravan without expensive theme parks or meals out. Maybe she doesn't like cereal for breakfast. Maybe the sleeping arrangements meant that she slept badly. Maybe you have different ideas about cleaning/hygiene. Maybe someone left a smell in the bathroom. Maybe she found it difficult to be the guest on someone else's holiday and needed some space...

Chalk it up to experience and let the girls continue to be friends. Go back to having coffee and occasional babysitting if you want to. One day you might look back on this and laugh about what a terrible idea it was.

I'm still waiting for a thank you or an apology in how she had been

I'd love to hear her side of this. Maybe you did treat her like a charity case. Maybe she hated accepting your hospitality but couldn't refuse because she would have been denying her daughter a holiday.

I would stay away, she sounds so ungrateful! I think a thank you should be a minimum of what a normal person would do after a lovely holiday. A very close friend of mine invited Myself and husband to her wedding, but not the kids, I had no babysitter so I declined her invite I was devastated about not going to her wedding, so I send her a very generous gift and looked after her dog for a week while she had her wedding and honeymoon. She never said thank you for the gift or looking after her dog (who was a pain) I've not seen her since she picked her dog up over a year ago, some people are users and just grab what they can they go, your 'friend' seems like she is a user too!

What stands out for me as possibly creating tension is a couple sharing a caravan with a woman neither know very well, plus two children -- it sounds like very close quarters even for people who know each other far better...?

I'm another one who finds it mighty peculiar you take a relative stranger on holiday in the close confines of a caravan with your partner. Too intimate.

I think op you're coming across as not as nice as you think you are.

She had your dd overnight.Maybe she thought the holiday was your wayof paying for the babysitti g that you review.Did you thank her for giving up her time to help youout.

She doesn't sound like a c.f. but I think this time, wires where crossed.Id let it go it's handy to have someone who can take your dd overnight.

Don't get me wrong, she was rude not to say thankyou but you come across to me as if you are expecting her groveling thanks.

Don't offer next time. especially silly in the first place if you can't really afford it and have only known her 8 months!

Did you or your partner at any time attempt to engage her in a threesome? In this caravan?

I'm inclined to agree with lying.
On the face of it, without knowing her take, she does appear extremely rude. But it does seem like you believe she's indebted to you, and it's not nice to feel indebted to someone when they are the ones who have put you in that situation.
Your list is petty and keeping a tally of things you did, would have made it awkward at the time for her to accept. If you knew she didn't have much spending money, why not offer her a set amount to be repaid at a later date? She could have felt free to spend it then without you breathing down her neck, but instead you paid for the odd drink here and meal out there, which probably made her feel inferior.
Let's face it, the meals out were for your benefit and probably put her under pressure since you didn't want to eat in the caravan. Also, she might have felt she was tagging along on your family holiday (which wouldn't have cost extra btw, because you pay for the caravan rather than per person in my experience).
A mismatch of expectations all round, I think, but then again you didn't know each other very well at all.
I don't think you can put terms and conditions on what happens now, either. You don't want to sort the toys being dropped off until she gives you a 'thank you' but she's clearly not going to give you one unless you ask.

She sounds rude and ungrateful. Some people are simply takers and have a sense of entitlement. On the face of it, this is exactly what this sounds like.

It doesn't matter whether she can't afford it, or babysat your child on other occasions, it's beyond rude not to say 'thank you' when someone pays for you to go on holiday.