To not want to give updates all the time..

[Jasmin40]

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant but have been told I will be induced at around 38 weeks due to a number of different factors. My OH and I moved out of our family homes together 2 weeks ago into our own house ready for babies arrival.
However, my MIL messages me almost every hour it may seem asking for updates on the baby, what I'm doing, about our house, etc. Messages will start off early in the morning with a 'How did you sleep?' I often have appointments during the week and am being monitored by a consultant so there will be a text soon after reading 'When is your appointment?' Then after the appt it will be "How did it go?" Then maybe a few hours after that it will be a "What are you up to?" And my personal favourite pretty much every night at around 9pm "Any signs of baby yet?"
The texts vary in subject and frequency (minimum of around 5 a day) but AIBU to have started feeling really frustrated about having to give an hour by hour account of my day every day through text? And if I don't reply in 30 minutes, she will message my OH the exact same thing. Or if she's not happy with my response, she will message my OH letting him know what we are discussing and her views/worries on it (e.g. I told her I was scheduled for a sweep soon a few days ago, she messaged my OH to say it's a bad idea).
I know her heart is in the right place but I'm starting to get frustrated with my phone going off every hour and am also going to find this hard to keep up with once LO is here. AIBU? If I'm not, how should I go about asking for it to be reduced slightly without hurting her feelings as overall she is a lovely lady and I'm pleased she is interested, I just want it to tone down a bit?

You can also mute WhatsAp for 8 hours. It's a very useful function.

I think some people here are going 0-60!
Of course you shouldn't block her number.

She's obviously excited and isn't thinking of how it might be becoming rather intrusive.

Next time she messages answer her question and just say something like you're glad she's excited, you are too. She's obviously going to be a wonderful grandma and all of you can't wait to meet baby.
You're going to enjoy your last bit of time baby free by relaxing and just taking everything as it comes.
Would she mind if you just updated her by text in the evening of anything that's happened?

And if she texts again asking if there's any sign of the baby make a bit of a joke of it how it feels that's all anyone's asking you at the minute! The baby will come when it's ready and we will let you know when he's arrived so don't worry!

THEN if it continues get a bit firmer. Say you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the attention and would she mind getting updates from your partner from the time being.

I could be wrong but it sounds to me as if she cares for you and wants you to know that you're in her thoughts. Plenty of time in the future to ask her to rein back a bit if she does prove to be overly involved when the baby arrives. If you are unduly cold towards her now you could be cutting off potential support when you most need it.

I know this goes really against general opinion but we have always had two sets of very nosy, over involved grandparents and a set of great auntie and uncle that are just the same. I just leave them to it. If they want kids to do something and it not too much of an issue I just let them. They all absolutely idolise kids and in my experience it works both ways. Because they know I trust them and let them all have input they are very involved. Had them whilst we worked, take them on hol want to collect them from school once a week. The kids in return have amazing relationships with all of them. I think it's tricky but you have to remember that gp just really really love the kids and why they are so OTT! I prefer my mum (obviously!) but I try really hard to be fair!

Tomorrow, when she texts you in the morning text her back in the afternoon saying "didn't sleep well. Feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed. Going to have a rest for the remainder of the day and see how I am tomorrow".

Then don't reply until tomorrow.

She's enthusiastic, that's great, but actually she's being very selfish. EVERYONE knows that it's at best annoying, at worst stressful and upsetting, to be constantly asked for progress reports towards the end of pregnancy.

So ignore her until the next day, and if she contacts your DP then ask him to tell her to cool it.

How about a gentle 'really busy today so won't have a chance to catch up with your messages, will let you know if anything important happens (and/or catch up this evening!).'

This way her expectations are managed and you regain control of the conversation in a way that doesn't block her or look rude!

In exasperation I once answered the 234th "any sign of baby yet" text with a "yes, he was born yesterday, I was going to keep it secret for a while". It stopped the many texts without the need for confrontation.

You need to tell her that you are finding the messages a bit overwhelming (blame pregnancy hormones if necessary) and that you are going to turn your phone off for most of the day from now until you have suitably recovered from the birth.

All this isn't going to go away when the baby arrives, it will escalate.

Tell her she will be the first to know (even if she isn't) when the baby comes and you will let her know when she can visit you to meet her new grandchild.

She needs boundaries but there's no need to fall out. If she gets the hump, she gets the hump. That's her problem. You are about to push a small human out of your foof - your responsibilities don't extend to pussyfooting around ILS.

I do think actually replying and managing her expectations is better for you, because frankly, if you just switch off your phone for 8 hours, she's going to convince herself you are in labour right now and get even more annoying excited. Make sure you are friendly but "we'll tell you if anything is happening" and PPs suggestion of "really tired so going to switch off phone and get some sleep." is a good one - so she's not panicked by silence.

I agree heppy I was an excited mil too but wouldn't dream of pestering my dils with this much annoyance. I am 50 not 5 therefore am capable of reining it in.

My dils know I am there 24/7 for them if needed but I have a life too.

Oh dear. I was the DH telling his over-enthusiastic Mum to back off and give us, and especially DW, some space. She got over it.

"your responsibilities don't extend to pussyfooting around ILS."

Absolutely!

It's all very well saying that she's excited etc, but what consideration is she giving Op by expecting immediate answers?

For your part, Op, you've been drawn into oversharing.

I agree with telling her that you'll let her know when there's anything to know & in the meantime you won't be looking at/answering messages.

There's a lot to be said for an old fashioned phone call once a week!

You need to remember that a text is not a demand that requires immediate response.

Ignore her messages, simply don't reply. She texts your OH - perfect! He gets to be hounded by her instead.

Problem solved.

Why don't you wean her off! Start my only replying twice a day aand then once aamd then only to important things. Use pharses like sorry I've been busy this week, been having extra naps etc.

I could have written this myself (in exactly same boat) It's so hard because you know her heart is in the right place but it's stressful enough figuring things out in your own head/worrying about appointments etc without having to give a running commentary. I'm at the point where I just don't text back or I say I'm fed up of all of the fussing (from everyone) and I'm too tired to keep talking about it and luckily my mil has got the message so far Tell your partner you need him to support you so when she's hounding him for information ask him also to say "I'm not sure Mum, she's exhausted and tired of explaining the same things again and again, maybe just leave her be for now?"
Good luck OP x

I would let her know that you are finding the texts intrusive and ask if you can go back to the same level of contact as you had before the pregnancy as you feel harassed and tell her you'll let her know when the baby arrives.
I'd stop answering texts as soon as well give them a few hours and just use a couple of words in reply. If she decides to hassle your husband that's his problem, tell him not to then hassle you

She sounds well-intentioned at least!

Why not just use a standard response like "All ok here thanks! Xx" to every single nagging text, so when she goes to text you she'll see a long line of the same replies. She'll soon come to expect it.
Then, when you actually have something to update, text her first, so she trusts you to keep her in the loop for important stuff.
Contact can evolve more on your terms, and she won't feel left out.

If she can't grasp this, then you have to bite the bullet and be honest about how overbearing you find her.

Set the tone now - it'll only snowball once your baby arrives!

After Uni finished one of my friends used to message me constantly. She had unlimited texts - I was PAYG.

I dealt with it by delaying the response. If she messaged me late at night I got back after work the next day. If she messaged me Sat morning I'd get back Sat evening - oh I've been out shopping. She soon got the picture I'm not a big texter glued to my phone all day.

I blocked my own mother for doing this when she wouldn't stop, and unplugged the landline. The final straw was her constantly ringing the house phone and not hanging up until I picked up, however long that was. After 10 minutes of trying to ignore the phone because I was asleep upstairs:
'Oh were you asleep, I thought you might be' SO WHY DID YOU FUCKING WAKE ME UP THEN?

It's horrible, selfish behaviour. Your DH needs to tell her to back off as you're finding it demanding and intrusive. If she doesn't, then it really is ok to block her. Her need for attention is not more important than your need to be left alone.

Thank you everyone for the replies. She has messaged me this morning and I haven't replied, no idea if she's messaged OH as he's in meetings today so no contact. When OH gets in from work I'm going to have a conversation with him and say I can't keep up the constant updating and my expectations for when I'm in labour/baby's here, etc so he's aware and knows what I want in order to keep happy.
I think I'm going to go with the tactful ignoring of a few and then replying with "I've been busy/sleeping/am exhausted, I'll update you with news when we have it." And see if it weans off. If not and it continues, I'll get OH to have a little word as I am just too exhausted to be the one to do it at this moment in time!

Good plan. Suggest you make it very clear to OH that you are not going to have all this texting and demands for information after baby is born. It is very difficult to get the balance right. I think some Grandmothers go into overdrive. I dont know if it is concern for the about to be or now mum, a distrust of the new mum to cope well or sheer nosiness but it did get well over the top for me.
Try to find out what her concerns are and go from there.
Also find out if OH is clear on how much this constant demand for info upsets you. You need to know if he is with you or with his mum. My OH would make excuses, say I was at shops etc but he would never tell his mum to stop with it all.
It did not end well.
Please dont let it all go so far as my situation did.

Pre-empt. Text her first in the morning: "All's well. Have a good day, will let you know any news, I'll check in with you tomorrow" or similar and then just ignore her messages until next day. Let DH deal with messages he gets.

Pre-empt. Text her first in the morning: "All's well. Have a good day, will let you know any news, I'll check in with you tomorrow" or similar

I agree with this, actually. If it still went on I'd also not be averse to saying that the consultant advised you to sleep/rest during the day (so no phone).

Fwiw, I have a very anxious mum and am pregnant - I gave her a due date two weeks after the actual date. So you're not the only one facing this, and I understand that it's stressful even when it's someone with the best intentions.

Let oh field the msgs. Just answer once in the evening then turn your phone off after dinner