In saying luck plays a part in someone's fortune in life?

[Sienna333]

My colleague thinks I am wrong but I do think that some people don't have to 'work' at finding a soulmate, good friends and having kids and that it just sort of 'happens' for them. AIBU?

I'd also add, a lot can depend on the people around you. I know so many people who are successful and have said trappings, but they're not good people.

If they're obstructive and take a dislike to you, those opportunities vapourise.

I'm desperately looking for answers because if I'm the problem, I need to adjust expectations and probably give up on love, career etc. (Years of therapy would suggest I'm not, and have so much to give but reality is proving to be very much the reverse)

Must be a disconnect somewhere.

Just to add, as humans, believing we make our own luck is a self-protective mechanism. Sometimes known as a "just world bias".

Self-belief/believing we make our own luck entirely makes us feel safe.

Until we're not.

Bad luck gives some an excuse, perhaps. An awful lot is down to recognising what you want and working out how to get there - and being willing to put the effort in and make the sacrifices necessary. We all have some degree of 'bad luck' but how you respond is probably what makes the biggest difference.
Of course, someone who has a serious accident and ends up paralysed from the cervical spine is less likely to 'succeed' in the traditional sense of the word but that sort of bad luck isn't the norm people usually mean.
Relationships wise, it takes hard work, commitment, selflessness and compromises to make it a lifetime success. Thats about communication not luck.
Some have advantages of wealth, privileged education, opportunities but they still have to recognise and use those to succeed as adults. Many children from poorer families do very well and have an inner drive that overcomes their early disadvantage. Parental support for education and aspiration are key.
Is it really luck? Not usually but most people who see themselves as 'unlucky' wouldn't accept this.

YANBU.

I had a good education and am (or try to be) a nice person but was the scapegoat of the family and was emotionally neglected and abused.

My brother was the golden child and grew up feeling entitled. When I was 16 I was so unhappy I was anorexic. My mother's response was: "What are you trying to do to me?"

When my brother said he was unhappy at 17 they bought him a car.

I have always lacked self-confidence, and abusive men saw me coming a mile off. I ended up a single parent in a low-paying job without the money or the time to retrain.

"Knowing" I'm not the problem hasn't helped me feel any different and is hasn't helped me change my material circumstances or given me the confidence to make friendships or other relationships.

The people who say you make your own luck are the same people who disregard the advantages they were handed. Some advantages might not seem significant or obvious until you consider what life might be like without them. E.g.: growing up free from abuse/neglect; growing up with a healthy relationship blueprint; loving and nurturing upbringing; having talents noticed and encouraged; good health (physical and mental). And then there are the MC advantages: education encouraged and prioritised; extra-curriculars; expectation that you'll go to university; connections for career advice/work experience; a safety net if a gamble doesn't pay off.

It's not luck so much as statistics and numbers, 7.5 billion people in the world, 1.2 billion in developed countries, so already, if you're born in one of those you will generally have better life chances than 84% of the world population, of that 16% a percentage will have the best life chances in their countries, maybe 10%, so we have 1.6% of the world population, of that 1.6%, a certain percentage will make the right choices, have the best biology, be in the right place at the right time etc.

It extrapolates down to a very small percentage of the population on a global scale that have 'charmed' lives but they're not lucky, they're statistically inevitable.

I go by 80 percent skill and 20 percent luck

I consider myself lucky in my relationships, friendships, career and finances, but (especially in the latter two) I've met very few people who've made the sacrifices I have to do what I've done. I think it's a combination, but I couldn't have done it without the underlying luck of birth and circumstance.

"The people who say you make your own luck are the same people who disregard the advantages they were handed."
I disagree. It really bugs me when people tell me I'm lucky, I'm not. My family growing up suffered some massive disadvantages (poverty, abuse, divorce, illness and death), there was nothing lucky about my situation and I had no help getting out of it. I worked bloody hard against all the odds to get where I am today and for someone to suggest I got here by luck is deeply insulting.

I think most things are luck - and much of it as pps have said is determined at birth.

However I think in terms of finding a partner it definitely isn't luck and there's no such thing as soulmates. I mean, obviously it is lucky if you're thrown together with someone you mutually fancy, but there are a lot of mainly self-made factors there, e.g. you have to have gone to wherever you meet them and that often relates to common interests or circumstances; you each have to make appealing conversation; you each have to find the other attractive (or of course you have to compromise on attraction/conversation etc); you both have to be at a point where you're open to a relationship; yadda yadda. It takes work, compromise, and decision-making, usually.

Luck does play a part.

However i do know people who create some of their own good and bad luck. Obviously not always.

I know someone who people think are lucky. But they look for every opportunity. The progressed quickly at work. Because they used to go looking for opportunities to help other departments. They talked to eveyone and made sure everyone knew who they were. It helped when they got to interviews for promotions.

I know people who are refuse to help anyone as its not in their job description, keep themseleves to themselves etc thrn wonder why people arent banging on their door to promote them.

At work 5 of us started on the same day. My salary package was £x per year plus a parking space. As was the others. 6 weeks in, i still didnt have a parking space. I tild my director if i was not getting a parking space i expected my salary to go up until it i got it as i was not getting the full pavkage offered. I got a parking space 2 days later. Someone else didnt and complained that i was lucky. It wasnt luck and i pointed out that i put a good case together and got mine. It wasnt luck. I went after what i was entitled to.

However i was lucky. I was lucky my, now, director attended my interview and assesment day and recognised something in me and asked me to go for a different job. Its a job i havent done before, i am having studying and really out of my comfort zone. But i jumped at the chance even though it was scary. Loads have told me they would not have taken it. But i did and its veen amazing for my finances and career. It was risk and i took it. But no denying luck was involved.

So yes luck was involved but it wasnt all luck.

The same in relationships. You need some luck to meet the right person. But its not going to happen if you stay in all the time and dont make any effort to meet people or socialise.

I dont think anything is all luck. But its not all just hard work either.

You definitely need both, but I have found that the harder I work, the luckier I get.

Luck makes a big difference. Just luck of birth - being born with a clever brain, parents who teach you good values and support your education, good health, getting on the housing ladder at the right time etc.
But I do think we have considerable control over our destinies too. Hard work often pays off.

Agree 100%

I hope my children are lucky. More than clever, kind, handsome,

'The harder I work, the luckier I am'

Well yes. Luck in finding a partner young. Or being willing to settle for what is easily available?
Tbh i am of the age (50) where a fair few of those that have married the childhood sweetheart are divorcing, divvying up the house proceeds and starting again.
Life is a marathon not a sprint

"We all have some degree of 'bad luck' but how you respond is probably what makes the biggest difference."

How you respond to things is also due to luck.

Yes luck does come into it, for example, I was lucky to be placed in a department at work where I met DH. There was a one in 6 chance that would happen. We wouldn't have met otherwise (huge company).

However you could argue that our current situation is made by bad luck: untimely deaths of two parents have contributed to our finances.

And I do think that personal effort has something to do with it. My brother has never, despite an excellent education, pushed himself forward in any way and has been stuck in a low grade job for decades. He has in my view squandered the opportunities available to him

I think it's 90% about how you apply yourself, the choices you make & 10% luck

Health plays a huge part in it too. I contracted glandular fever and then ME in my teens, that then triggered a skin condition that led to me developing an anxiety disorder and social anxiety. Within a year I had lost all of my friends and dropped out of my degre course.

That then caused me to lose my career options which impacted on my job choices which led to me being unable to earn a good wage. This spiralled into me having to stay at home, having no confidence to have a relationship ..... you get the picture.

It's still impacting me now in that I met my DP late, I had children late so have had countless miscarriages and late losses and still don't have a career.

I often think about that film sliding doors and wonder how my life would have been if my health had been 100%. But then perhaps that was just bad luck and perhaps the life I though I was going to have would have been worse!!! Who knows.

Yes and no. Luck (or chance) was definitely involved in me meeting dh. But if i hadn't met him i suppose I'd have met soneone else who would now be "the one".

If you stay in Sat nights for 20 years waiting for a George Clooney look- alike with a huge salary and tropical island retreat to sweep you off your feet, I don't think it is just bad luck if this never happens.

If you have good qualifications and work hard you may never get the job of your dreams but its infinitely more likely than if you sit on your arse playing Xbox and waiting for someone to call you up and offer it to you db.

The problem with reducing everything to luck is that you end up feeling helpless about your own choices and risk becoming passive.

The problem with thinking that there is no such thing as luck (geerally only happens with successful people) is that you make to allowance for circumstance and get an overinflated opinion of your own abilities.

yanbu

It's about luck, but it's also about mindset, health and timing. You can meet any number of great potential mates, but you both have to be ready for a relationship, not hung up on someone else, not grieving, in good health, etc.

It's also about your personality and how you react. My sister and I grew up in the same house, same parents (and step-parents), same opportunities, etc, but totally different outcomes in life. How you turn out and how happy and fulfilled you are is a huge great mix of things and mental health, self esteem and confidence play a massive part.

I think personality plays a huge part in success.

I am cheerful, outgoing and enthusiastic and things always seem to go my way.

I have a friend who is pessimistic and snappy with people. Not with me, to me she's the kindest, most loyal person but people don't like her and she has had the worst time.

Yes it plays a huge part. It's not taking anything away from anyone's effort to say luck, chance, opportunity, all hugely affect how your life goes. You can only play the hand you're dealt.

My DH is paralysed from the neck down, as it happens, the classic example of bad luck and already invoked on this thread. I'm lucky he's not dead; I could tell you the odds and you'd see. Compared to others with the same condition he's amazingly lucky he's not brain damaged.

It's not connected his personality or his work ethic, though. You can't outrun the hurricane, though I see how comforting it is to believe so.