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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked ex for this money and to think I don't owe child maintenance

77 replies

theduchessstill · 04/09/2017 13:21

Ex has the children 2 nights a week, plus a couple of afternoons until after tea during term time. He is on a very low income - probably less than someone on minimum wage who works f/t and is subsidised by his mother. He is workshy and has run up debts of about £8K since leaving the family home three years ago.

He has just received his divorce settlement from me (£12K) and mentioned in passing two days ago that he had booked himself a holiday next week, leaving me short of childcare for the two nights a week he picks them up. As a teacher I have no flexibility around work and have no family and friends around to ask either. I have an opening while he is away that will have me at work until 9pm. He did this two years ago too - just doesn't give a fuck. The days he has the dc have been in place for 3 years, though there's no court order or anything official.

I priced up the cost of the extra after school clubs I will need to pay for, and the rough cost of a school mum who sometimes has the dc for some cash as I'm hoping she'll cover the open evening. I wrote it all down and emailed it to him - it comes to about £100. I also asked that if he does this again he sort it out himself as it's not my job to arrange it, never mind pay for it.

Today when I dropped them off and asked for the money he refused to pay and asked when he is getting his child support. I nearly choked and he said he's entitled.

I have just used the calculator as if I was him - so put in my income as a payer and that I have the dc three or more overnights a week and it says he's entitled to £48 per week?! He buys nothing for the dc apart from what they eat with him. Nothing. He has been known to text me that he has no pants for one of them rather than spending a fiver himself. They spend the majority of their time with him on screens, he takes them nowhere, barely reads with them, rarely does music practise despite being a musician, goes off on holiday without a thought for childcare arrangements, contributes nothing to trips, uniforms, parties, activities, refuses to take them swimming despite the fact that they are both weak and I can't swim. Takes ds1 all the time to cricket practice and matches and does fuck all to make up for it with ds2. Just adds very little to their lives imo - though of course they love him and a lot of this is none of my business, though some is.

Now I may have to pay him £200 per month?? I have just added to the mortgage in order to pay him off, have to save for another payout he will get when ds2 is 21, pay for everything for the dc , have no savings set aside for their futures and now this.

AIBU to think it can't be right and to not pay it if he takes it further?

OP posts:
Original poster
theduchessstill · 04/09/2017 14:05

Your ex does not need to pay for your childcare costs

But are they not his childcare costs if they occur on days he always has them?

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 04/09/2017 14:09

if he usually has them those day they are his childcare costs

tell him u want to mak it formal and your going through cms sounds like he knows your too scared to do anything about it

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/09/2017 14:11

But are they not his childcare costs if they occur on days he always has them?

Technically yes, but some battles (ime) just aren't emotionally worth it.

PollyFlint · 04/09/2017 14:11

As others have said, you are the resident parent, not him. The children live with you and stay with him. He isn't entitled to child support from you because he doesn't have custody of the children.

You shouldn't be filling in this form at all; you are completing a form that isn't for resident parents. You have the children the majority of nights and you owe him nothing.

c3pu · 04/09/2017 14:13

But are they not his childcare costs if they occur on days he always has them?

Another point worth considering is that the RP can add childcare costs to tax credit claims, the NRP can't...

Original poster
theduchessstill · 04/09/2017 14:15

Well don't worry about that in this case - I'm not entitled to any tax credits Smile.

OP posts:
Fresh8008 · 04/09/2017 14:17

If he isn't having them on these 2 days and you are paying a childminder then you need to consider putting in a claim that you have them 90% of the time.

They measure contact time as how many nights in a year he has them. This would either get you more money or force him to make sure he actually has then every 2 nights of the year not just in term time.

You should definitely get this money from him, children have a right to be supported by both parents. Its not morally your right to deny them that support.

Idontevencareanymore · 04/09/2017 14:22

Echoing everyone else that he should be paying you. He sounds a bit cheeky asking him for maintenance from you tbh.

As for the childcare I think I'd just take the hit. Is it worth the trouble it can cause? Frustrating yes, but some people just aren't worth the time.

RoseNarene · 04/09/2017 14:29

Let him take you to court for more access.

SantanicoPandemonium · 04/09/2017 14:29

Stop trying to put in figures as if you're someone else - fill in the calculator with the correct information, and you should get the correct information out.

cordeliavorkosigan · 04/09/2017 14:30

yes put in that you have them 90% as 2 nights a week in term time with things "coming up" on holidays and weekends mean that effectively, he doesn't have them. he should be paying you. don't pay him!

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 04/09/2017 14:31

How is it possible that you have children with my ex?
Even down to the music practice/musician thing.

I always have a panicky feeling until he actually comes and collects them - always feel like I have to have back-up childcare and I'm still waiting on holiday dates for October week. Have to book my leave a month in advance...

But I don't pay him maintenance! It might be worth you going through CMS if only to put him off being this cheeky on top of being an unreliable balloon. Plus so your children would have access to some extra funds for things like this sort of childcare issue.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 04/09/2017 14:32

I don't think it's realistic that he'll get his shit together for asking for more overnights etc but keep copies of any documentation of him flaking out on the times he could already see them. It might be useful.

Oldie2017 · 04/09/2017 14:37

If the children are mostly with you you don't have to pay him (no matter how much you think the calculator says otherwise). However he pays less based on how many nights he has them - that's all.

You cannot force him ever to have them. I have mine 365 nights a year and I work tull time. Their teacher father had the 5 for zero nights a year (his choice). So i would take them on holiday for a week in the summer and work all the other school holiday weeks -s ometihnes 7 weeks of full time childcare I paid for whilst he a teacher could sit at home for 8 weeks not seeing them. Silly, law. Silly system.

You could ask if his parents can help out whilst he is away to save you the £100 or you could say he doesn't see them for a month every time he messes you around on dates/timings.

Walkingdead11 · 04/09/2017 14:47

Yes that's what he will do, ask for 50/50 to avoid paying you...he's a prize prick! You need to see a solicitor to get something official in place so he can't just dump you in it again.

Original poster
theduchessstill · 04/09/2017 15:03

Oldie that's awful - I just don't get these parents who don't want to see their children. How maddening for you to have to pay out while he sat on his arse Angry.

Ex does want to see the dc tbf, as long as it doesn't cost him and there isn't a better offer (there usually isn't - he is, as has been said, a prize prick, so not inundated with offers!)

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/09/2017 17:24

You could use the fact that you can claim from him as a bargaining chip.

Tell him that you have checked on the CMS calculator and that actually you can claim £17 a week from him, but that you wont if he doesnt drop you in it childcare wise again, that you need a least a months notice of any changes, otherwise you will have no choice but to claim it as you will need the money to pay for childcare.

Walkingdead11 · 04/09/2017 18:31

I'd just put a claim in anyway OP, he should be paying you child support regardless of being a feckless idiot!

c3pu · 05/09/2017 16:45

Well don't worry about that in this case - I'm not entitled to any tax credits

If your ex is on a low income then perhaps he can claim them?

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/09/2017 17:22

Good point, perhaps he already has........You need to check that out OP. He is committing fraud if he is and you dont want to be invesigated if they think that you were complicit.

LaMontser · 05/09/2017 17:34

I'd go to CMS. I bet if you don't bother paying him when ds2 is 21 he'll have you at court immediately.

AliceTown · 05/09/2017 17:56

He is not committing fraud for claiming tax credits if the OP is not entitled to them.

Walkingdead11 · 05/09/2017 18:09

He is if its child tax credit, that goes to the person who gets the child benefit and those with majority care.

c3pu · 05/09/2017 19:02

Not necessarily the case. I know two separated parents where one claims the CB and one the tax credits

Walkingdead11 · 05/09/2017 19:49

That only works if there is 50/50 situation