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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked ex for this money and to think I don't owe child maintenance

77 replies

theduchessstill · 04/09/2017 13:21

Ex has the children 2 nights a week, plus a couple of afternoons until after tea during term time. He is on a very low income - probably less than someone on minimum wage who works f/t and is subsidised by his mother. He is workshy and has run up debts of about £8K since leaving the family home three years ago.

He has just received his divorce settlement from me (£12K) and mentioned in passing two days ago that he had booked himself a holiday next week, leaving me short of childcare for the two nights a week he picks them up. As a teacher I have no flexibility around work and have no family and friends around to ask either. I have an opening while he is away that will have me at work until 9pm. He did this two years ago too - just doesn't give a fuck. The days he has the dc have been in place for 3 years, though there's no court order or anything official.

I priced up the cost of the extra after school clubs I will need to pay for, and the rough cost of a school mum who sometimes has the dc for some cash as I'm hoping she'll cover the open evening. I wrote it all down and emailed it to him - it comes to about £100. I also asked that if he does this again he sort it out himself as it's not my job to arrange it, never mind pay for it.

Today when I dropped them off and asked for the money he refused to pay and asked when he is getting his child support. I nearly choked and he said he's entitled.

I have just used the calculator as if I was him - so put in my income as a payer and that I have the dc three or more overnights a week and it says he's entitled to £48 per week?! He buys nothing for the dc apart from what they eat with him. Nothing. He has been known to text me that he has no pants for one of them rather than spending a fiver himself. They spend the majority of their time with him on screens, he takes them nowhere, barely reads with them, rarely does music practise despite being a musician, goes off on holiday without a thought for childcare arrangements, contributes nothing to trips, uniforms, parties, activities, refuses to take them swimming despite the fact that they are both weak and I can't swim. Takes ds1 all the time to cricket practice and matches and does fuck all to make up for it with ds2. Just adds very little to their lives imo - though of course they love him and a lot of this is none of my business, though some is.

Now I may have to pay him £200 per month?? I have just added to the mortgage in order to pay him off, have to save for another payout he will get when ds2 is 21, pay for everything for the dc , have no savings set aside for their futures and now this.

AIBU to think it can't be right and to not pay it if he takes it further?

OP posts:
oldmanfromscene24 · 04/09/2017 13:39

No you've done something wrong here - the only way you could owe him money is if he has the DC more than 3 nights per week, I.e the children are resident with him. It will be the other way around - he should be paying you.

AliceTown · 04/09/2017 13:39

You don't understand it because the calculator isn't set up to calculate how much the RP pays the NRP because THEY DONT PAY ANYTHING.

Fresh8008 · 04/09/2017 13:39

The non-resident parent can only have the children 3 nights a week, otherwise they would be the resident parent. That's why the calculator only goes up to 3 nights.

You are supposed to fill it in as the resident parent to find out how much he should be paying you.

catkind · 04/09/2017 13:40

3 or more means 3 days a week (which is still less than half) or some arrangement that varies by week and still averages less than 50%.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/09/2017 13:40

duchess - who claims the Child Benefit? That is the person who claims maintenance.

Travis1 · 04/09/2017 13:41

I've just done it as though I was you(with him earning £153.00 a week and having the kids 1-2 nights per week) and it came out as him having to pay you £18.00 per week so I think you've gone wrong somewhere.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/09/2017 13:42

You also have the opportunity to dispute any claim he makes.

If I were you I'd put a claim in with the CMS, even if you only get £5 a week.

Ceto · 04/09/2017 13:42

Try doing the calculation on the basis that you are the RP and are claiming against him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/09/2017 13:43

You are the resident parent, he definitely doesnt get to claim from you but you do get to claim from him.

Tell him that you have checked wih CMS about his claim that you owe him and that in fact, he owes you £x per week, back dated to when you split up so he owes you £xxx and you will need payment immediately. See how he likes them apples.

AliceTown · 04/09/2017 13:44

CMS don't backdate, so you'll need to start your claim ASAP.

Original poster
theduchessstill · 04/09/2017 13:44

Ok, thank you - I'm calming now Smile. I've just gone through so much shit over the last couple of years from him so it panicked me. I did it as if he'd be paying me, and it came out at £17 per week - as pp said.

My next worry is that he looks into it further and starts saying he wants them for more overnights.

OP posts:
CatsPurr · 04/09/2017 13:47

I don't think you are reading the responses. Are you the resident parent? Do you claim the child benefit? This is key. If you are you pay NO child maintenance to him

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/09/2017 13:47

You say no, and let him go to court which he wont because it will cost most if not all of the £12k you just gave him.

Janeismymiddlename · 04/09/2017 13:48

I'd also get your arrangements set up through a solicitor. He can't just opt out!

Yes, he can opt out when suits him. If he doesn't pick up from school, what do you think will happen? If he doesn't arrange childcare, what do you think will happen?

OP - I have always just arranged full time childcare and paid for it to avoid problems when my ex inevitably decides he's got better things to do. I also found myself a reliable teen for evenings. It's the only way.

You don't need to pay him maintenance, don't worry.,

catkind · 04/09/2017 13:48

But as it's also the resident parent who's entitled to claim CB it still comes down to resident parent getting maintenance. It can get a bit unfair if care is 50/50 as one parent then had to get CB and may also be able to claim some child support. OPs case that's no problem though.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/09/2017 13:48

If he's a useless git who randomly ducks out of his childcare obligations with no notice, and without making responsible alternative arrangements, and you are a teacher who has been the RP since the breakup, then I very much doubt any court would award him equal custody.

Keep a diary, OP, of any occasion when you've had to cover for him.

HorridHenryrule · 04/09/2017 13:48

You are the responsible parent they live with you. You need to get money from his arse contact someone who can help you. You must be the only RP to ever pay out to the NRP. Child support is for the children not him. He should be paying you I have never read something so scandalous in my life. You need to get a solicitor he is taking the piss out of you.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/09/2017 13:52

catkind - a genuine 50/50 split will result in a nil payment, but tbh they're few and far between.

Kittychatcat · 04/09/2017 13:52
  1. If your ex only has the DC 2 nights a week you don't pay your ex anything. You need to put in a claim for child support even if your ex is a low earner.
  1. Your ex does not need to pay for your childcare costs. That is what child maintenance payments are for.
  1. Your ex is a waste of space so don't rely on him for anything. Make sure that you always have backup plans for childcare in future. If you expect nothing you won't be disappointed!
HorridHenryrule · 04/09/2017 13:52

My next worry is that he looks into it further and starts saying he wants them for more overnights.

Tell him to take you to court. No court would allow that unless you were unstable. You have a good job, a roof, food in the fridge, everyone is clothed and the kids are happy. You tick all the box's for what a stable home needs.

catkind · 04/09/2017 13:55

Oh sorry, must have read it wrong somewhere.

MrsPepperpot79 · 04/09/2017 13:55

You are the resident parent as you have them more than 50% of the time. He owes you money, not the other way round! Go to the CSA yourself, then is all on record and done officially. My exH is currently off sick so practically no income, still has to cough up the grand sum of a fiver a week for our two children...

SerfTerf · 04/09/2017 13:55

That's a truly blind panic you were in Smile

It's probably time to form up the arrangements. Were child arrangements not dealt with as part of the divorce? If not, start now. It'll automatically have to go through mediation, which should be a good thing.

Ttbb · 04/09/2017 14:02

Why would you own him money? You are their primary caregiver.

Original poster
theduchessstill · 04/09/2017 14:02

We did go through mediation but halfway through he claimed not to have had any paperwork and not to be able to remember what we had agreed (when it suited him). However, it has mainly worked well, and I actually like the fact that he has them less than he said he wanted as I get more time with them. To be fair, aside from this and his previous holiday he is reliable during term time weeks. Weekends and holidays things 'come up', but that gives me more time with the dc so I usually just smile and say ok.

I don't know whether to mention to him that he should be paying me or just leave it. Don't know whether to antagonise him...

OP posts:
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