To let him sort himself for one morning?

[newjobblewobble]

I have a funeral to attend next week, about an hours drive away, at 9.00.

I mentioned it to DS(12), (2nd year) today in front of a family member, telling him he'll need to get himself out to school that morning.

Family member then asked me if I couldn't drop him to a friends when I was leaving. I said no, it will only be about 15 mins or so he'll be home alone for. She replied saying "well, not really" meaning I'd probably have to leave at least an hour early. So, she's right, I'll maybe have to leave about 7.45 and he goes out at 8.15.

She would NEVER have done this with her kids, and is very involved work wise with social services, etc.

As a one off, it's not too bad is it??

I didn't mean to paint such a bad picture of her. I said she would never, those weren't her words.

She is always telling me I'm a great parent. She just has her ideas about things, and as she is my maternal influence in life, i guess I take on board everything she says, rightly or wrongly. She would never outright criticise me. She actually has a heart of gold.

I'm probably just too sensitive and feel like being a single parent to a pre teen is a bit of a minefield. (Though his dad is around, and we can and do discuss things like this)

Anyway, thanks for the replies. DS and I will continue as we were

I do think it is a lot of responsibility for a 12 year old

What shutting the door? Are you serious?

She would never outright criticise me

no, not when she can do so passive aggressively.

My mother was EXACTLY the same. they say the 'great parent' crap just so you think they are on your side, but they are not. Without the 'great parent' stuff, you wouldn't give them a second's mind space.

You are a better mother than she is. You are a better mother than you believe yourself to be.

Stop asking some woman's opinion and start trusting your own.

You have made it this far, and done really well, you are more than qualified to raise your DS.

You are giving him the tools to be a man. Its less than an hour, he can call you on the phone if he needs to.

He will LIKE and want the responsibility.

How much responsibility is it to have some cereal and shut the door behind him? It's only half an hour not a fortnight!

If you trust him to lock up then I really don't see it as an issue. If we want children to act reaponsibly we have to trust them and treat them as if they deserve the trust and responsibility.

I wouldn't do this, nor would have my parents but if he normally walks to school himself it should be fine.

He's 12.

I would bloody hope he walks to school himself

Although having read some Mumsnet threads, it wouldn't surprise me if some 12 year olds are walked to school on baby reins.

It's not "just shutting a door" it's getting himself up, dressed, fed and out of the door, with all the things he needs for the day, at the correct time, and remembering to leave the house secure. Not unreasonable to ask of a sensible 12 year old as a one off, but yes, at that age, a lot of responsibility.

Dd is 10 and since term has started has been getting herself up, fed, dressed and ready for school in time for me to pick her up after night shift and drop her off at school. DS makes sure she's up before he leaves for his classes and DH is usually asleep (finishes his night shift earlier than i do). This is all in preparation for her moving to secondary school and she's managed the first week without any issues. I would fully expect a 12 year old to manage the responsibility.

I babysat for my younger brothers at that age. Also frequently went out without remembering to bring my key. QED

LOL I have 3 capable kids who could I fact get dressed washed and fed in the morning and yes lock the door - they even let the dog out for a wee -

He'll be fine. If your non-disabled 12 year old could NOT handle this, it would be a failure on your part.

At 12 I travelled by myself by plane to boarding school in the UK. He'll be fine.

I've seen what molly coddling has done to young adults. It was not unusual for contemporaries of my DD at university to be unable to cook the basics or know how to work a washing machine. I thought that was extraordinary.

My Dd was 12 when she went to high school and Ds was 11 and as I had to leave before 8am they would lock up the house and get themselves to school.

If your non-disabled 12 year old could NOT handle this, it would be a failure on your part

Absolutely

A lot of responsibility to get up, get dressed, eat some breakfast and leave for school?! Jesus wept! 😂😂😂😂

Good God my son has been getting himself to school and back since year 6 (now year 8) and despite being a rather hapless sort, even he has managed it ok.
If I said I wanted to take him to school he would refuse. (Embarrassing apparently).

I leave at 7.20 every day. Mine seem to manage fine.1

I know I may raise some hackles with this observation, but your relative's remarks seem a very "middle class" attitude to take. I was Skyping my mother a couple of weeks ago while two of her sisters (the older, who had had a fairly rough life in a rough city as a single mother with 6 kids, and the younger, who had had a pretty privileged life in the suburbs with a wealthy husband and 3 kids) were with her and I mentioned that my DS12 and DD10 had walked into our local high street by themselves to buy some school stationery and sweets (it was an easy way for them to occupy themselves during the summer holidays while I got some work done).

Younger Auntie looked concerned, wondering if it was "ok" for them to be out by themselves, and looking very sceptical. Her kids had been ferried all their lives everywhere, by her, in their car.

Older Auntie kept yelling in the background "no, it's fine, great idea, they need to get some independence!" She had never driven a day in her life and her kids had had to get buses across the city by themselves to get to their schools from a very early age, as she worked full time.

My own mom seemed a little ambivalent - she looked a little sceptical herself, but didn't want to undermine my parenting in front of my aunts.

When I was growing up we were somewhere between Older Auntie and Younger Auntie in the income brackets, and I think her instincts were to worry about "stranger danger". Little did I know, till my mom told me later, that this whole summer my brother and his wife had been leaving my 12yo niece home alone from 8:30 every morning till 2:30 in the afternoon while they were at work. I was a little taken aback when I heard it - it isn't something I'd have contemplated doing with my 2 (if I had to be away from home for that long I'd have assumed I'd get childcare) - but having thought about it, I can see why they're doing it (assuming, for the moment, it's my place to judge, which it most definitely is not). Childcare is so expensive, and a 12 year-old should be able to look after herself and a very small dog in the house. I imagine it's quite lonely for her, though I understand she is able to walk herself to the local town pool to meet up with friends. While it may not be fair for a 12 year-old to be expected to look after a younger sibling for that long, only having to deal with herself and a low-maintenance dog she has had for years should be very doable.

I do think my attitude is unusual though among a lot of mums in my local area. We live 1.5 miles from DS's school, and we regularly have him walking or cycling himself to and from school. We know plenty of parents who live as close to the school or closer, and still insist on driving their boys right to the school gates.

My 12 year olds haven't surfaced before 11 if not later so DN would necessary be alone for long

They more have Skype what's app and Snapchat to speak to friends as well as Xbox so they can ply with friends

DS goes out with friends most afternoons to the park or playing fields - pops home for food and/or money - he has a phone as do his friends

One has been in an accident - one ran for help another comforted them and a third rang the ambulance - they were shook up but knew what to do (all fine slipped on a pavement)

youbhave to lean to trust them while they are learning