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Original poster

Nasty FIL

28 replies

shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2017 22:25

I won't bore you with all the details, but basically it became shockingly apparent that my FIL hates me. He is a megalomaniac, sexist, racist you name it fascist general bigot etc etc. An all round unpleasant character. Last month I told him about something I was planning, just making conversation with the old bastard really) and he just lost his shit with me. Went bananas. Husband heard it all and went bananas at him, I'm crying, FIL tells me I'm a liar and I'm lying to my husband (I'm not, and I'm not) It was all really horrible.

There is no doubt that I am owed an apology. So is my husband. He has 'asked to see' my husband and made a lame attempt to break the ice. I have not seen him since and I'm not missing him.

But, it's my husbands birthday this week, and we always have a family meal out somewhere. I have no desire to pass the pepper to the old tosser in fact when I next see him again it will be too soon. But is that unreasonable? My husband and kids shouldn't suffer, they love the meals out. Should I just rise above it, invite everyone and just ignore the evil twat?

Interestingly it has just dawned on me that of all their children's wedding photos that they have in the house, every other one is of the happy couple, whilst ours is just a picture of my husband and the PILs! Am I being paranoid? After his vitriolic rant at me I can now quite envisage him refusing to have a picture of me in his house!

I seriously have done nothing to inflame this man, other than not being good enough for his precious son.

I'm at a loss over what to do here! Please help!

Feel free to ask questions if more clarity is needed, just didn't want to bore everyone.

OP posts:
FenceSitter01 · 03/09/2017 22:30

What is your DHs take on this? Mine wouldn't entertain a meal out if I'd been insulted. Is your DH backing your corner?

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2017 22:34

Hi Fence. He's being civilised with his father which isn't great but par for the course. Everyone is scared of him. He's very controlling. DH is on my side but is sitting on the fence really :(

OP posts:
MadamePomfrey · 03/09/2017 22:39

I would stick to your guns if your dh wants a relationship with him he can organise seeing him and going to dinner with him as an adult he should be capable of doing these things with out you! It's harder with the dc how old are they?

Maelstrop · 03/09/2017 22:40

Have a lovely meal out with your DH and DC. I'd go totally nc with the nasty fil, I don't see why you should waste your time/breath on the horrible fucker.

ClemDanfango · 03/09/2017 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/09/2017 22:42

He can go to dinner with his father, you don't have to, I would go completely NC with him, he sounds really nasty.

SonicBoomBoom · 03/09/2017 22:43

I wouldn't go.

I'd be disappointed in DH if he went alone without him pressing his father for an apology for me.

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2017 22:44

Maelstrop what's nc?

MadamePomfrey the children are 8 and 9. But they are not close to my children. It's a very strange relationship - they are friendly and familial with them, but never hug them or show any affection. There's no warmth. Well a little from MIL but none from FIL. They never look after them or anything and they're only one minute away.

OP posts:
Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 03/09/2017 22:44

NC with the FIL from here, you don't need that shit. If your DH wants to meet him for a meal he's free to but you don't have to be there.

MadamePomfrey · 03/09/2017 22:46

Then I would let your dh do want he wants and you and the kids stay well away!

Nc= no contact!

Stressedout10 · 03/09/2017 22:48

Sorry to say that I would have the meal and invite everyone except for fil, I'd also go nc with him wouldn't let her near the kids either.
But I just can't stand people like him sorry not much help

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2017 22:48

Ah NC is no contact? Yes I'd like that (well I wouldn't, but you know what I mean)

I am disappointed in DH for not asking for an apology. In fact i wonder if he's been honest with me about the conversation that they had when he was summoned to his father's house.

OP posts:
Donttouchthethings · 03/09/2017 22:51

Sounds like it's time to start a new birthday tradition.

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2017 22:52

Stress all feedback is helpful. Thank you x

OP posts:
millifiori · 03/09/2017 22:57

I'd go for a family dinner, just you, DH and your DC, maybe with another family you get on relaly well with and if your DC ask, just say, Oh we're having a change this year, but don't mention it if they don't. I spent years being polite to aggressive, manipulative old men just because they are family and have stopped now. It's an unbelievable relief not to care any longer. I feel better than I've felt in years.

user1493059174 · 03/09/2017 23:07

Nope, would not want to be in his space ever again. Give the gift of absence for those that don't appreciate your presence. Have finally woken up and given the brush off to the husbands weird lot - have refused to attend a wedding as I simply could not put myself through any more with them. Cannot tell you how good it feels. Life is too short! Do it now, don't put yourself through years of dreading get togethers and the accompanying dramas like I did.

PollyFlint · 03/09/2017 23:08

Does your DH actually want a family meal with his parents for his birthday, or has he just always gone along with it because his parents have made him feel as if it's the done thing?

I think I would ask him what he really wants to do, regardless of his parents' feelings, and whether he would honestly, truthfully prefer a meal with his parents to a meal or treat with just you and your kids - or with friends, perhaps? Could your budget maybe stretch to a weekend away, even? That might seem like a more attractive prospect than a family dinner which could potentially be a bit tense and awkward for everyone concerned.

Your FIL sounds vile and I don't blame you for not wanting anything to do with him - and it sounds like your DH, deep down, isn't actually that keen to play happy families either. Maybe he'd actually relish the opportunity to have a birthday without his dad behaving like a twat.

ThaiRedCurry · 03/09/2017 23:10

I'm in very similar boat with MIL. Such a shit situation to be in. DP and I never ever argue unless it's about his family.

EatSleepTidy · 03/09/2017 23:12

Go out yourselves and don't mention it to PIL, tell DH to arrange a different meal for his parents by himself if they ask when it is.

TrumpsWigmaker · 03/09/2017 23:15

What User said ⤴️

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2017 23:18

Thank you all so much. Milli I think that's what I'll do, arrange a family (our family) dinner out. So glad you are free from the tyranny :) peace to you. You too User - you're inspiring.And Polly, no, DH loves it just being us and the kids... Thai Red Curry good luck with MIL - I think that must be even worse :( EatSleep yep that's what I will do - arrange a meal for just us. Thank you all so much for your kind help x

OP posts:
Donttouchthethings · 03/09/2017 23:18

Don't let your children grow up feeling comfortable around an abusive arsehole. Don't let that be normal for them. Put boundaries in place now for them.

missmollyhadadolly · 03/09/2017 23:18

I wouldn't go.

It's a great excuse to keep away from and go NC with a sexist, racist tosspot.

Your DH is not coming across very well here either as he is not supporting you. Sad

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 03/09/2017 23:19

TrumpsWigMaker yes 'Give the gift of absence for those that don't appreciate your presence'

Fabby Fab

OP posts:
yorkshireyummymummy · 03/09/2017 23:21

I don't like family disagreements but I also think there comes a point when you have to say " no more" and be prepared to stand up for yourself. I feel sorry for your DH who is obviously somewhat scared and controlled by his father ( I dont mean that as an insult either as my mother does the same with me) but he should stop sitting on the fence. He has to show you some support. If I were you I would say that under the current circumstances there is no way on earth that you are prepared to sit and break bread with your FIL and unless he gives you a proper apology and changes his attitude towards you then that won't be changing anytime soon either. I would book a meal somewhere with some family friends or people from you side that DH likes and tell the kids you are having a change this year. I would make it clear that DH is welcome to see his parents when he wants but you will hit be going with him and your FIL is not welcome in your home. I would also make it clear to my DH that he is free to take the DC to see his parents when he wants but if your FIL speaks about you in anything but glowing terms in front of the DC then you will have to re asses the arrangement. It doesn't sound like you will miss your FIL from your life so gauge yourself a break from him and see how you feel in a few months. But don't let him ever ever make you cry again. What is it with old relatives
bastards who think they can say what they want to us without any reprisals?

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