To continue to avoid having anything to do with my DB? Trigger Warning

[Mittens1969]

I've previously spoken about my DM and appreciated the advice. I'm back with a far more uncomfortable dilemma, which might be distressing for some of you.

The problem is that I can't face my DB. He has serious MH problems as a result of abuse all 3 of us suffered as children. Things happened to him as well, but he also did stuff to my DSis and me, as a result of him copying behaviour that our father was doing. I don't actually blame him; the police asked us if we wanted him prosecuted and we said no, so they're only going to interview him as a witness.

The other thing is that he's claiming not to remember much and certainly nothing of what our father did. He remembers one incident which was reported to the police before, but the CPS didn't pursue it. Our father wasn't involved in that.

We haven't actually told him anything and he still hero worships our father, visits his grave regularly and talks about him a lot. That itself makes it impossible for me to be around him. I'd find it so hard to listen without saying anything.

I can't talk to him, not for more than a few minutes, and my DH often takes over from me. He's constantly calling though, I feel awful as he's obviously missing having contact with my family. My DSis also feels like this, so we're both avoiding him.

Basically he makes my skin crawl; I do care for him but I can't help how I feel.

It's also impossible to have him around our DDs; he shouts at them, bumps into them and blames them for being in the way, and is generally surly. DD1 used to love being around him, but the last few times she shied away from him. We haven't seen him for more than a year now.

I have no reason to believe he's a danger to my DDs; he copied what he was seeing as a child but there's been no indication of an unhealthy interest in children as an adult.

So hard, but for the sake of your own mental health and peace of mind, I think low to zero contact is acceptable. You can't improve how he behaves and it sounds like your dds want little to do with him.

What do you think will happen if you block him?

Could you perhaps write him a short letter just saying you feel unable to have him in your life at present- and as a sibling of the same childhood /history you would like to think he has considered therapy to enable him to have a better future. . One maybe you could feel able to be part of again.
Love op etc. .

You're not being unreasonable in the least.

I feel so sorry for you, your sister and your brother. But I still completely understand your position.

Do you feel as if it would help you in any way to explain to him why you don't want further contact? Or is it something that you feel you owe to him, although it would be hard for you? (Please don't feel obliged to explain. Just do what is best for you. It's completely ok.)

Thank you for your replies. I can't speak to him about it as the police are still investigating the past and I can't allow it to look like I'm influencing him in any way. He's very vulnerable and I daren't shatter his illusions about our father.

He's been diagnosed with residual schizophrenia, so it may never be possible to speak to him about it. I would need to be very careful anyway. It just makes me very uncomfortable around him as I do fear losing my cool with him and blurting if out. He gets wound up easily and I'm not very patient with him.

When he calls, I mostly let it go on to answering machine and he leaves long rambling messages. It's clear he's very lonely, and he drinks too much, it's very sad, but I can't help him. Sometimes I do call him back as he never picks up the phone so I can leave a message, which relieves my guilt. Other times I answer, if he has a problem he needs help with I hand him over to my DH. Otherwise I finish the call quickly.

ShiveryTimbers, I can't do that as we sometimes have to be available to help him with things when my DM is out of the country. We end up lending him money because he runs out. My DM reimburses us but it's the hassle rather than the money that's the problem there.

Or he'll call us in a panic when he can't get hold of DM. (What the hell am I supposed to do about that??? Sometimes he's only tried a short time ago.

I'd probably worry about him if I blocked him. He's very vulnerable. I'm so conflicted about him.

This is a horrible situation but for your own sake, I think you do need to continue to avoid him. It sounds like continuing to see him could be really quite damaging for you. I understand that he is also a victim of abuse and has problems, but ultimately you don't owe him contact at the expense of your own sanity and you certainly don't have to lend him money - that needs to stop straight away.

You say he makes your skin crawl and he shouts at your children who now shy away from him. Those are very strong reactions and I would have thought it could be quite harmful to all of you if you have to suppress those feelings every time you see him.

@PollyFlint, thank you. It's going to have to be that way, and the same thing has been true for my DSis.

We used to have him come with my DM for family occasions. On 1 such occasion, DD2 was just turned 2 and she was potty training. (We did it later for her than for DD1.) She suddenly told me that she needed a poo, so I took her quickly to the potty, which was in the corner of the room. When she had finished She stood up and lifted her Princess Anna dress for me to help her clean up. My DB yelled at her not to expose herself.

Yes it would have been better not to have had the potty in the same room but we were potty training and I didn't want to have to deal with a toileting accident and it was too late to move it. It was only family there.

But it was nevertheless a shock that he would blame DD2 for 'exposing' herself. She was only 3.

It was when he said goodbye to me and kissed me on the cheek that I really felt the sensation of my skin crawling, or at least I actually acknowledged it to myself. (I struggle with physical contact anyway.)

Mittens If you ask for this to be moved to the relationships board, or start a new thread there, you'll get a lot more help and advice from people who have been through similar things.

Thank you. @tillytown, I will do that.

Oh sweetheart. All I can say is I don't blame you for how you feel, conflicting emotions are so difficult to manage.
What you must understand though, is his problems are not yours. They're his. You cannot make them better or take them away. You being no contact is a direct result of your experiences with him. I wouldn't have him around my dc either.
Sorry if I missed this, but have you had counselling? It could help how you're feeling to talk through with someone impartial.

I cut off several abusive and very damaged members of my family years ago. I miss their kids, but no contact was and is safer. I doubt they're even aware I have dc, and I know nc means my kids are protected from them

@Cakeycakecake, thank you. Yes I've had therapy. I've had EMDR because of the flashbacks; the memories were repressed for years but I had PTSD symptoms. (It didn't stop us adopting our DDs, though, as my past was completely repressed, it was the same for my DSis. The EMDR really helped.

I've also had counselling, but I'm having a break from it right now, as I developed a drinking problem a couple of years ago, which is under control now. I'm on sertraline which helps too.

But I can't allow myself to be exposed to the triggers he gives me.

My DM respects that, but she expects us to step in when he needs us if she's away. And she talks about him, and says says things like she's his mum, too, which of course I know. Now we just talk about the DDs and her work. Never the past as she ends up crying on the phone. She's close to my DDs so I have to keep up contact with her, and she is very kind though somewhat controlling.

But there's often a panic when she's away and either DSis or I get lots of calls from him, and he can be quite abusive, though I don't think he realises it.

I worry about what will happen when DM is no longer around; she's sorting out the money side but it won't stop him calling us worrying about it.

Thanks again. Sorry for the drip feed.

Does he not have any social care package at all?

Does he have any kind of job? Income of any kind?

You have to go no or low contact with him for your own sanity and the well-being of your family.

Talk to your mother. You can't be expected to be her cover when she's absent, not when there are police investigations going on.

True. My DM says she's sorting out the money side, but that isn't the issue. He's just so clueless, it's like dealing with a child, which is of course because he got stuck there. He was on his way back home while DM was away, so she asked me to ask his neighbour to provide him with his spare key. I contacted the said neighbour, he was going out but said he'd leave the key behind the sink. I told DB, but then he couldn't find it. He asked a friend from down the road, who also couldn't find it. He and another friend booked him into a hotel for the night.

DH and I were concerned about the key, so he drove to DM's house, a half hour drive, and found the key in less than a minute. We end up having to pay for the hotel. DM reimburses us but it's not about the money!!

We've always felt that she jumps in too quickly. SS know about him, but because DM is seen as his carer, his key worker does sod all for him.

It's ridiculous, my DH is naturally completely fed up as well. My DM is grateful, apologetic, but nothing changes.

Wow, it feels good to rant!!

It sounds like he's learned to be helpless and takes absolutely no responsibility.

Someone like that will always need someone to lean on and you need to make sure it's not you.

That's very true, @Gingernaut. I don't know what the answer is, but I have 2 DDs who need me and they're my priority. DD1 has Attachment Disorder, as do a lot of adopted children.

My DM's always had this way of wanting to 'problem solve' and I'm starting to really get that it does no favours. I'm starting to refuse to listen to her and she doesn't like it.

The thing is that you've been 'problem solved' into your DB's back up carer. But for your own mental health and to protect your family, you really need to consider going NC with him... yet her expectations are preventing that. There is no reason why somebody else (maybe in a formal position) couldn't provide emergency support and care when needed. For whatever reason it doesn't sound like your DM is supporting you or considering your needs here.

Sometimes you need to step back in order for somebody else to recognise that there is a problem and arrange proper support. Although I know you would worry about your DB, could you try to liaise with SS to arrange a care package for next time your DM is away? Explain the effect that it has on you and the types of emergency contact that you have been picking up but won't be able to.

I don't mean to worry you, but you really need a care package firmly in place before DM is of an age where she might develop any emergency health problems etc. Now is the time to make sure it happens.

I know, that's one reason why I'm worrying about it. DM keeps talking about the financial side, but that really isn't the issue. It's his emotional neediness and complete inability to look after himself.

My DSis had the right idea going to the other side of the country.

I think the letter suggestion is good. If you're getting spidy senses tingling you know deep down he shouldn't be around you and your family.

Your Mum has chosen to care for him, rightly or wrongly. You have no obligation to help her.

That plus the fact that I'll know how lonely he is, with no friends and my DM either not well enough to look out for him or no longer with us. It's always been like this, me being expected to look out for him.

I've clearly been conditioned to feel responsible for him.

Thanks for your helpful advice, **ShiveryTimbers.

That's true, the letter suggestion is a good idea. I just have to brace myself for the emotional blackmail that my DM excels at. She said recently, 'I'm his mum too,' as if I didn't know that.

I think sometimes you just need some reassurance that IT IS OK to cut toxic people out of your life. Blood or not.
I don't want to sound like a bitch OP, but why do you feel obliged to take care of your fully grown brother? You are a married woman with your own family to care for.
He is mentally ill, yes. But this is not your problem!
Sometimes I say things and they come across totally not the way I planned, and I don't want you to feel offended by anything I say because I don't mean to hurt you or cause offence..

He is your abuser OP. He abused you. It doesn't matter what his reasons were, if he was just copying what happened to him or not, he still abused you. You are not obliged to have him in your life. He makes you uncomfortable. He makes your skin crawl.
Fuck him off.
Just because you accept something happened, forgive a person etc etc doesn't mean you have to have them in your life.
His mental health problems are his. He is your mums child, not yours.

Even if it's not that you think he will sexually abuse your children (trust me, your sub-conscience will never let you forget that possibility no matter how many times you tell yourself he won't) you are obviously not comfortable with him around your children. So don't have him there. You don't have to. You're not obliged to. It's not your problem.

Always be ready to cut people out of your life when you catch a vibe you don't want to catch. Fuck him off. Honestly.

Have you talked to your mum frankly about this? Does she know about the abuse? I am assuming she's the one pushing you as secondary carer. You need to tell her that she will have to look elsewhere. Is that something she might accept more readily coming from your DH?