To visit my mother less often after she called me a selfish little bitch?

[NewUserNameForMe]

My mother is in a residential care home due to a stroke. She left me a message on my answer machine today asking me to call her and as she was trying to hang up i heard her call me a selfish little bitch.
This behaviour is not a result of the stroke, when i heard the message it triggered loads of memories of other times she had called me names when i was growing up, (often under her breath, but loud enough to be heard).).
My initial feeling was to visit her much less often, but as i put her in this care home close to where i live, but miles from my brother, i feel responsible for continuing to visit as no one else will. I generally see her 2 - 3 times a week currently, Wibu to visit less often?

I think you should do whatever feels right for you. If you don't feel like visiting her, don't. You don't need permission from anyone in here. Horrible for you.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with that. I'd say however we are only ever able to influence other people by our own attitude and behaviour. While tempting to isolate her through her behaviour towards you I'd say to show her grace and patience. In my experience you never want to give them the ammunition to have any real basis to their unjustified claims.

Thank you both, for taking the time to reply.

I think some people are beyond our influence. If seeing her less will help you, I'd see her less. No point making yourself feel sad or hurt for someone who calls you names (and has done for most of your life by the sound of it).

That's awful op, ive had similar happen in the past. I wouldn't be visiting her any time soon, also if it were me I would tell her you heard her and ask her why she thinks you're a "selfish little bitch".

My mother was awful to me when I was growing up, and as an adult. When she was dying of cancer, I nursed her - not because I expected any kind of resolution (She did not get nicer when she was dying, btw), but because I wanted my kids to see me be the kind of mother/human being I wished my mother was. I know I did the right thing for me and for my kids. I know it was the right thing for my mother because that is how she wanted to go, but that doesn't affect my feelings on the subject after the fact. Basically, I was there for myself and for my kids. Not her.

Do you confront her about these things?

If you visit her, or have any kind of relationship with her, do it because you want to, not out of duty. If you don't want to, just don't go. Be sure of what you want though. If you do decide to go NC or massively reduce contact you need to be sure you will have no regrets about that decision when she finally shrugs off her mortal coil.

I wouldn't do anything for someone out of duty, no matter who they were. She doesn't deserve to have you visiting regularly if this is her attitude towards you. Tell her what you heard and how it's brought back memories of all the times before and that you are going to please yourself from now on.

It sounds as though this incident has been a bit of a trigger for you, reminding you of some very unhappy memories from your past.

I might suggest as well that this "under the breath" or "by accident on the phone thing" is neither as quiet nor as accidental as it appears. Your mother intends you to hear these things, but wants to be able to disclaim them. That's quite a toxic way of behaving - it's kind of aggressive-passive, rather than passive aggressive!!

I think that you may benefit from talking about this relationship with a trained professional, because it sounds as though there are layers of hurt there, and unresolved stuff from not confronting these behaviours.

I have a relative who struggles with her parent. She goes along every week out of a sense of duty, but does it with such ill grace that it only really makes the whole relationship (and her mental health) worse. The spirit in which we do things matters as much as the doing. I think you need to get to a place where you can visit with good spirit, even if the reaction you get is unfair and churlish - something much easier said than done! Counselling may help you to achieve this; in the meantime, definitely reduce the visits to a point where you feel more comfortable.

mypatronus
Hear hear.

I would tell her that you heard what she said and ask her if she would like you to stop visiting? Its not exactly the words of someone who likes you after all!

May make her think a little without causing an argument?

She sounds like a classic narcissistic mother tbh. I'd visit whenever is convenient to you. Personally, I know how hard it is. I had a NM who was also an alcoholic, so when she landed in hospital (before she died), she was there for months and I couldn't just leave my poor dad to deal with her on his own, so I went 3-4 times a week - its hard. But definitely do what is right for you.

I would cut down the visits.

I speak as someone who walked out on my OH when he was terminally ill.

If that's how she treats you, why did you move her into a home nearer to you instead of your brother?

Think she has forfeited any right to expect a visit there.

This sounds horrible - so sorry you're going through this.

Could you speak to your brother and explain the situation? Maybe you could agree a better solution for you all? Sadly, it sounds like your mother is abusive to you and doesn't like you (or herself) very much. Perhaps you'd both rather she lived nearer your brother? Just some thoughts.

How far away is your brother & did your mum move far?

Did yoiur mum end up near you as you were the one doing the looking or were you insisting that she had to be near you?

I think you should stick her in a less nice home closer to your brother.

And NOT feel guilty about doing so.

2-3 times a week is a lot, especially for someone who speaks about you like that.

She'll be getting looked after in the care home just fine, plenty of people around her. As you chose the care home I expect you didn't just go by proximity, but also by the standard of the care home. Quite a few people don't have family doing that for them and so end up in the less nice places. Your mum will be fine. YANBU at all to reduce visits.

Yep i'd move her, sounds like there's no love there or appreciation for what you do.

Do what makes you happy and gives you the least discomfort.

Would your brother visit if he were closer? If he would not visit anyway then his location is not relevant.

By you putting her into a home do you mean you helped her to move or do you mean you made the decision. My mum made the decision to move into a home when she had dementia but it was not 'me putting her into a home.' I just think that language makes it sound your responsibility but if she is capable of using a phone she is quite 'with it'. My mum could not use a phone once her dementia really kicked in.

You have my sympathy, this sounds tough. I would ignore all cruel words, just let them wash over you.

Visit as often as you like or for as long as you like.

Sometimes it can feel easier to visit often but for a short time. That way you can honestly say you do XYZ but you are less inconvenienced.

But in the long run your mum sounds horrible and I don't blame you not wanting to see her. Three times a week is a lot by anyone's standards.

She sounds horrible :-(

If you feel obligated pop in very briefly to check she is alive and not being mistreated once a week for 5 mins

I would totally ignore the phone call as if it never happened.

Carry on visiting, but work out what is appropriate and what you are prepared to do for the next x years.

eg. Once or twice a week is plenty. Card and flowers on birthday etc. Slippers for xmas. Your brother should be doing once a month/six weeks and taking pressure off you, timing his visits for when you are away.

Once you have worked it out, just stick to it - no extra visits because..... and no missed visits (keep them short enough to get you through the bad times). Keep it routine, like you would have done laundry day in the old days.