Do I deserve a council house?

[CottonEyedJoe]

So I was homeless when I was pregnant after breaking up with abusive ex - I was told I'd have to spend at least a year in a homeless hostel. It was the most horrible thing I'd ever gone through - I've lived in a young person's hostel at 16, so I'm not averse to a shit environment, but this was something else. Drug addicts trying to kick your door down at 3am every night in case you had a fiver lying around. ExP got on meds for his mental illness, convinced me this would solve things, I believed him, I couldn't have my daughter in that enivironment, I moved back.

Everything was lovely for a while. I started uni when my little girl was 5 months old (had deferred my place due to getting pregnant).

Dd's 2 now. I broke up with exP at Christmas due to his mental illness making him manic - he was using cocaine on a daily basis which excacerbated the mental stuff; he was paranoid and controlling and just absolutely horrible. I couldn't have my little girl around that, and eventually saw I deserved better too, so we broke up.

This past 8 months, he's been attacking all of his friends because he believes they've all been sleeping with me (catagorically untrue, I don't even know them!)

He's a very very violent man when he's in this state. Was arrested for GBH in March. Not 100% what happened with that, but I know he did it.

He's threatened to strangle me, I got a non mol against him. He's breached it a couple of times, the CPS recommend remand but the judge keeps saying no. Next court case isn't until October.

I'm terrified. I've been referred to the fire service, who are coming next week to protect my house from arson. I can't let my little girl sleep in her own room. I keep having panic attacks over stupid stuff when I'm convinced he's broken in. I suffer with anxiety anyway - this is really tipping me over the edge.

My DV worker tells me they're having a MARAC conference next week, which is when a whole bunch of professionals (police, probation, doctors, SS, housing etc) come together to decide how best to guarantee my safety. She said to make a list of wishes and feelings that they can present at the meeting.

I've been googling for the type of stuff to say (I really just want him out of our lives forever, but putting him in prison for a million years isn't something they can realistically manage).

So I want his pre sentence report to have a massive emphasis on engagement of MH/ drug services. Mentally well, and clean, he's just a pathetic little man. Mentally unwell, and high on crack cocaine, he's a highly dangerous person.

I want social services to stop forcing me to speak to him. It's shocking the things I've been ordered to do, even the police say it's really put me at risk.

But while I've been googling, I've found that DV victims who've had a MARAC are often moved up to band A for social housing.

I work my arse off, as well as studying 24/7, and looking after a 2 year old, to keep our lovely home. It is lovely. But my little girl can't sleep in her room, I'm terrified, he's made threats to others that if they send him to jail he will get them killed, so even if he goes to jail I'm not safe.

I can't move, his mum and dad are my guarantors and they say they won't be again due to this court case. It was a fluke I got this place - you have to earn £30k+ to rent somewhere private even with a guarantor in my area. I rent this house from an acquaintance. It's honestly impossible otherwise.

I've thought about a refuge, but I would be so sad to leave my family and my job and my university course.

So if I could get a council house, where he doesn't know I am, I couldn't imagine anything better. I can't lie; I'd love the attraction of a secure tenancy too.

BUT - I work, I will have a degree this time next year. Looking like I'll get first class honours so I should do ok in life. I'm 24 now, I've absolutely slaved my arse off from 7am - 12am every single day for the past 3 years to get what we've got. To go from being homeless with fuck all to having a wonderful toddler, a job, a lovely home and (nearly) a degree. Back when I was pregnant at 21 with nothing, I feel I was much more worthy. Now I'm doing ok. Apart from this massive shadow hanging over my head. A shadow that realistically one day might kill me.

But is that a big enough deal to deserve a council house over someone who's been living in a homeless hostel like the one I talked about earlier with their child for 3 years? As in, I do have a lovely home that I can just about afford.

Am I morally wrong to suggest this to be brought up for my meeting? I would honestly give up my tenancy in 3 years - that's the time i expect I'll be earning a good enough wage to rent alone. I'm not a bad person, when I don't need it anymore, I'll pass it to someone that does.

Sorry it's long - and please don't flame me. I'm already thinking about the fact it's immoral, I'm not deluded. I'd just love to feel safe.

Yes. You do. Stop worrying. I really hope the MARAC meeting goes well. You've been through some serious shit. Well done on the studies. You've inspired me as I was wondering if I can cope when I start my degree this autumn. If you can do it with all that going on then I am determined to succeed too.

I think you should take it if you get the chance, give your little one the security and know that you wouldn't have to be moved around. The landlord where you live now could sell up or ask you to leave and if it will take a couple of years before you earn enough to rent privately without help you could be stuck.

I am disabled and stuck at the minute because it's so difficult to find private landlords to accept housing benefit. So I think you should put your child's safety and security first and take it if you can.

I'd still be worried the ex could find where you live though?

Of course you should,make the request. And well done on the way you're turning your life around, I know it won't feel like it right now, but you should be proud.💐

To apply to be put on the council house waiting list is not immoral, you're no less deserving than anybody else. But at present you do have a roof over your head, and those living in hostels or grotty b&b's may well have been through similar or worse than you.

Ask about the possibility of council housing, but keep in mind that you are not the only case and there will be people in equally bad and worse situations than yourself.

(I do understand that you feel at risk where you are now, but realistically if you move and he wants to find you, he will. Wherever you are, engage with the police and fire service to ensure your property is as secure as can be.)

Op i dont think it should be about a council house as it will be pretty easy for him to find you if you are staying in the same area. I would really think you need to leave area he sounds a huge risk to you and i really dont think you sound safe. Yes i think its fine for you to take a council house if you can but not in the area you are in. Have they suggested you go into a refuge ?

*To apply to be put on the council house waiting list is not immoral, you're no less deserving than anybody else. But at present you do have a roof over your head, and those living in hostels or grotty b&b's may well have been through similar or worse than you.

Ask about the possibility of council housing, but keep in mind that you are not the only case and there will be people in equally bad and worse situations than yourself.*

I completely agree - that's why I feel immoral suggesting it.

Thanks for all the replies, and lovely comments. So happy I've inspired a PP. There's nothing better than learning. I'm so excited to get back and start my dissertation. You'll do great, im sure

It doesn't matter wether you deserve a council house or not it's wether you meet the criteria and this varies from council to council where I live most people get a council house fairly quickly regardless of circumstances if you were in the south east however it doesn't matter how much you deserve one there's a huge shortage of them.

Not a matter of morality. Everybody is allowed to apply for council housing. Apply and see what happens.

Op i dont think it should be about a council house as it will be pretty easy for him to find you if you are staying in the same area. I would really think you need to leave area he sounds a huge risk to you and i really dont think you sound safe. Yes i think its fine for you to take a council house if you can but not in the area you are in. Have they suggested you go into a refuge ?

No. I considered it, but all the professionals I've spoke to have just said to be on my guard, the next time he'll definitely be put in prison. They say it's not worth giving my lovely life up for the sake of a few terrifying weeks. He will try again, and they say next time there's no chance he won't be put away. So I'm just banking on that. It's shit, but it would be even shitter to be away from my amazing family and to throw away all the hard work I've spent on my degree I keep considering it though. I only want to do what's best for my DD but it's so hard knowing what is best for her.

I am in the south east, so that's what I mean by if you aren't band A, you have no chance.

I think you should ask. You don't feel safe. And with good reason.
You cannot move without social housing help. Go ahead and ask

Hi Op just wanting to echo pp please do not feel you are being immoral or undeserving, make the most of the MARAC meeting they can be very difficult to arrange or even get in some areas & hopefully they will listen to your concerns & support you in getting a higher band.
I wish you well & truly hope you can secure safe accommodation for yourself & dd💐

Kindly, it isn't your place to decide if you are more entitled than someone else. It's your job to do the best thing for you and dd. The council will decide if you are the most entitled to a place. Up here where I live, if you have no arrears, almost anyone can get a council house if they're not fussy where ( and don't have a huge household!) But I appreciate that in the south east things are different.
Apply now (well, Monday, you will need to take your and dds ID to the housing office). Ask for priority at MARAC. But be aware that given where you live, nothing is guaranteed. Plan for the best, prepare for the worst!

I have no idea on any of this I'm afraid, I just wanted to say you are amazing to have done what you have and keep going! I work with teenagers from all kinds of backgrounds and so many could benefit from hearing how people like you overcome such shit to achieve so much. Hope it all goes well for you x

They say it's not worth giving my lovely life up for the sake of a few terrifying weeks. He will try again, and they say next time there's no chance he won't be put away

This is really poor advice from professional agencies.

The next time could be him murdering you.

You probably know and fear this, but i think if you are actually understanding then moving out of area for a fresh start is your safest and best bet.

I am also in South East. I am a Family Social Care Worker and am seeing more and more issues with social housing being unavailable.

You're financially linked to this man through his parents and in the interest of your safety and youf child's safety i am incredibly concerned at the professionals supposedly acting with your interests of safety at the forefront

Of course you should take the house and use it as a base for security for you and your dd. Even when you are earning you will be so much better off not in private renting, and when you are ready to buy you will be a priority for shared ownership.
It's really shit that social housing is in such short supply that you are even thinking like this- decent housing should be a right.
If his MH means he is a danger to you and your daughter you should be pushing for him to be sectioned, btw.

You're financially linked to this man through his parents and in the interest of your safety and youf child's safety i am incredibly concerned at the professionals supposedly acting with your interests of safety at the forefront

Same here, especially when me and SS agreed together that contact should be held in a contact centre after the threatening of strangling in front of my daughter, and they tried to force me to be the one to call him and have this conversation. At the same time as strongly advising me to get a non mol. Knowing that having that conversation would put me at such a high level of risk. But the social worker said her manager was insisting I had to. I had to go and see and get the backing of a police domestic case worker before they would allow me to tell his dad instead (which I didn't want to do either). It's awful. I hope there will be lessons learnt when it's raised at the MARAC.

If his MH means he is a danger to you and your daughter you should be pushing for him to be sectioned, btw.

I've been pushing for that for months, ever since the poor lady who was letting him live with her had her son assaulted due to these cheating delusions and turned up at my home hysterical. I rang and was told he would have to get in contact with them. I explained that he couldn't see that he was mentally unwell, and surely the people who don't realise they're unwell are the most dangerous (to themselves and others). They didn't budge. The police said they offered him MH services when he got arrested, but he refused them. I can't seem to get through to anyone. I've worked in MH for 7 years - the system is fucked.

I have no idea on any of this I'm afraid, I just wanted to say you are amazing to have done what you have and keep going! I work with teenagers from all kinds of backgrounds and so many could benefit from hearing how people like you overcome such shit to achieve so much. Hope it all goes well for you x

These kind comments mean the world to me. I've been suffering from such severe anxiety this past 6 months due to all this, and I have no idea how I managed to raise my little girl, pass my 2nd year at uni and hold down a job when I've been often physically paralysed with fear. I am proud of myself. I want to be a child clinical psychologist - a very competitive role, but I'd love to help kids and adolescents going through tough times like I have. Fingers crossed.

Thank you again, and to everyone else. I will apply tomorrow, and ask for it to be raised at the meeting

@CottonEyedJoe

Do you have a family support worker?

I have recently experienced a Social Worker tell professionals she was meeting with the perpetrator of violence and filling him in.. We hit the bloody roof.

Are you on CIN or CPP?

*Do you have a family support worker?

I have recently experienced a Social Worker tell professionals she was meeting with the perpetrator of violence and filling him in.. We hit the bloody roof.

Are you on CIN or CPP?*

No and no. Social services always said I did the right thing in regards to my daughter, got out at the right time, never put her at risk, was proactive when it came to suggesting ways to minimise risk (suggesting supervised contact when the drugs started getting bad months ago, contact centre after the threats at handover, suggesting engagement within drug services going forward etc), good parent, good role model, no concerns etc. I've never even had a visit. Which obviously I'm glad about, but my IDVA says if I had a named social worker they would in some circumstances tell my DDs nursery that her dad isn't allowed to take her, as an emergency stopgap before court. ATM, I'm progressing as fast as I can through family court to restrict this and I don't actually think he knows he could do this. But obviously really frightening. Nursery says they'll delay as long as possible but that's all they can do. SS have been absolutely useless at giving me advice or helping with this too. It's hard isn't it; you're (or at least I) have been conditioned to be so scared of SS - you always have to follow what they say lest they have a grudge against you and take your kids away. But they've really acted terribly in this case, IMO. Luckily I'm educated and have my wits about me, and knew that what they were telling me to do wasn't right and I needed to get professional back up, but I did think of some poor girl getting abused and having to ring her abuser the day after and tell him he wasn't allowed to see his child anymore. And then getting killed because of the anger created by that phone call. Awful.

I am scared by family court, I know he'll get an expensive lawyer and say loads of stuff about me. And I've read awful things, on here and elsewhere, about CAFCASS. My experience with SS doesn't exactly leave me sleeping easy.

Yes. Yes you bloody do deserve one. Don't fall into the trap of false pride. I was in a scarily similar situation to you, years ago - honestly I thought I was reading my own life story there. Well, dickhead here stuck to private renting because "others need it more". Now for a variety of reasons, I'm probably going to be stuck in private rentals forever, while the only people who are in council housing in my area are 50 year old alcoholics who have never worked a day in their lives - often living in 3 or 4 bedroom homes. Odd mix of people in this area, I'll not bore you with the details why. Obviously they need homes like everyone else, but not sure why their need for a secure tenancy should come before the many low income families who are stuck in private rentals with children who are unsettled from constant moves. Anyway. I digress. If I had my time again I'd have pushed for a council house and sat in it like a toad under a rock until I could get a mortgage. Do your future self a favor and go for it.

I really think you deserve a house you have done so well.

You do. However.. many councils will only rehouse you out of the area if you are experiencing DV as the perpetrator is likely to easily find you again in the local area, putting you and others at risk.

@CottonEyedJoe

You need a family worker, they are the voice of the child and in complex cases like this can be worth their weight in gold.

I know SS come with a terrifying background and if they're not concerned with your ability to parent they may not see the danger. Unfortunately the threshold is soooo unbelievably high that they try avoid involvement in these cases.

Of course,that is, until it all goes to shit and someone gets physically harmed.

As your DD is under 5 you can request your health visitor to refer you into a local children's charity that have family support workers that could aid you.