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Original poster

Inappropriate text from colleague. Was response unreasonable??

100 replies

LittleBirdBlues · 02/09/2017 19:19

I have worked at a medium sized company for 8 years now. This colleague (male) had been there longer than me. We have been mates pretty much right from the start, never more than that. I have been with my DH and he with his DW since we started working together, so boundaries should be very clear. Our families have socialised together, though not much - we have been invited to his DDs first birthday, they came to one of my birthday parties. But we're not particularly close overall. I have two toddlers and he has a toddler and a newborn.

Here's what happened: his new baby is 3 weeks old and he has just returned from paternity leave. He invited the office to wet the baby's head in Thursday night. Around 10 people came, me included.

The night was fun, we talked a bit, had a few drinks. When I left there was around 5 people still at te pub. I was rushing for my last train and my colleague offered to pay me for a cab (context: I have never accepted anything like this from him though he has offered in the past).

When I got to my station, I texted him the following:

"arrived at xxx, all good. Had a great time tonight, DDs head has been well wetted."

His reply: "we're playing darts. Wish you were here."

Me: "trust me, you don't want me there when playing darts!"

Colleague: "I want you there always."

I didn't reply, but it stopped me in my tracks.

To add more context: I have felt in the past that he was crossing lines. Like telling me about problems in the relationship between him and his wife. And I thought in the past that he was getting a bit 'intimate' when drunk, as in wanting to talk only to me for too long etc. I have never felt the need to say anything as it was nothing obvious. He has had a difficult upbringing and I thought perhaps I was someone he was able to share things with. I think I was being naive.

Anyway. I replied to his text the next morning saying that I felt it was out of line and had made me feel uncomfortable.

He replied saying that it wasn't meant that way, he just meant he liked having me around.

Then he asked if we were still up for hanging out on Saturday (we had made some plans to meet up with the families to meet his new baby). I said I wasn't sure and could I let him know that evening (it was a Friday).

A few hours later he replied saying he didn't understand my reaction and that he "talked like that to all his mates". He then cancelled the hangout. Which was a relief. It would have been really awkward obviously.

Did I completely overreact and mislead the signs here? I just felt that if i had seen a text like that on my DHs phone from one of his colleagues it would have made me really suspicious! I also didn't really feel like he was being kind to his wife, so the idea of facing her for a family hangout felt wrong.

What's your verdict?

OP posts:
HolyShmoly · 02/09/2017 21:01

I think I was being naive.

That's why. OP gave him the benefit of the doubt until there was no doubt due to his text. She said that they were mates, until now when he's overstepped the mark.
She told her DH.

OlennasWimple · 02/09/2017 21:02

I'd text my colleagues that I had got to the station OK (not missed my last train, as well as physically unharmed) as well - have done it many times.

The "wish you were here" text was out of order. He had an opportunity to rectify the conversation by replying something like "Bet you're not that bad at darts really!" Or "sounds like we all had a lucky escape then!", but he didn't - he upped the ante in a really really inappropriate way.

You can still give the present, just give it to him at work (leave it on his desk?), but I'd cut out any socialising that didn't involve the presence of at least one of your spouses.

giveyouasmileandaperfectpass · 02/09/2017 21:06

He obviously likes you but give the guy a break you didn't have to reply with that. He was drunk and probably embarrassed, you should have just left it - now it will always be awkward

KickAssAngel · 02/09/2017 21:10

Why should she give the guy a break? He was inappropriate. He has a wife and 3 week old child. He should be told in no uncertain terms how vile it is to be trying it on with someone else.

Quite frankly, I think him being out on the piss while his wife is left home alone holding the baby is just about OK for one night, but that he then tried it on with someone is really shitty behaviour.

VeryCunningStunt · 02/09/2017 21:11

I'd text my work mates when I'm out to let them know that I'm home. I thought that was relatively normal?
She wasn't gone though, she was only at the station.

It is a bit odd to text someone to effectively say 'I have successfully completed stage one of my homeward journey' Confused

khajiit13 · 02/09/2017 21:12

Hmm it was definitely over familiar. It could be that he just really values you company and the alcohol blurred the lines for him. Even so I would bet upset if I saw that as his wife but it could be innocent and intended. If that was the case though if be expecting a genuine apology and acknowledgement of his actions. The back tracking makes me think he was testing the waters

VeryCunningStunt · 02/09/2017 21:13

'Home', not 'gone' Blush

Slartybartfast · 02/09/2017 21:15

you have told him it was inappropriate. end of story i would say.

Crinkle77 · 02/09/2017 21:18

I wouldn't post the pressie. That would look weird. Just give it to him at work but from now on I think you need to keep your distance.

Sparklingbrook · 02/09/2017 21:25

I too am a bit Confused about why he needed to know you were at the station.
No need to start a text conversation with him at all.

AgentZigzag · 02/09/2017 21:26

'He replied saying that it wasn't meant that way, he just meant he liked having me around. '

'he didn't understand my reaction and that he "talked like that to all his mates". He then cancelled the hangout.'

So he texts his male colleagues late at night saying he likes having them around? hahahahah yeah, course he does.

Then after a couple of hours wondering how you dare to knock him back, he cancelled meeting up so he could strop off to sulk.

I agree with PPs that the drink was probably talking, but then if he's 'misunderstood' your friendliness as wanting to have sex with him before, I think you're either going to have to spell it out in a way that won't leave things on a civil footing, or completely blank him whenever it not something to do with work.

TormundsGingerBeard · 02/09/2017 21:26

I wouldn't post the pressie. That would look weird.

and then some!

Can you imagine the conversation between wife and husband?

Wife: "How does a random female colleague I've never met know our address?!"

Him: (genuinely) "I have no idea - I never gave it to her!"

Wife: Hmm

Either put the present on his desk or just forget about it. Asking HR for his home address makes you look like the inappropriate one.

TormundsGingerBeard · 02/09/2017 21:29

Sorry, you do know the wife you're not a random stranger to her Blush

giveyouasmileandaperfectpass · 02/09/2017 21:30

Because it's really not the Op's business to make judgements on his personal life and what is morally right or wrong. She just knows she doesn't want to get involved so just ignore the text. What else is she going to do? Go and confront the wife?! Ridiculous the whole thing

Ktown · 02/09/2017 21:33

He hasn't had sex in a few weeks.
A few guys at work went fully nuts and were sidling up to anyone when theirs wives gave birth.
Hopefully he will calm down soon.

ChasedByBees · 02/09/2017 21:36

Absolutely do not get his address from the office manager, that would cross so many lines.

Leave it on his desk, be friendly but completely formal when you engage with him and that's it

MoGhileMear · 02/09/2017 21:37

Gosh, I think on the information given, and assuming you wouldn't be friends with someone with a history of trying to sleep with you you overreacted to a slightly tipsy, affectionate text from a friend. Was it not just a clumsy way of saying he preferred work nights out with you along?

ChasedByBees · 02/09/2017 21:37

How gross Ktown

seven201 · 02/09/2017 21:37

That's the kind of thing I would write to a friend. I might even write it to a male friend and I'm happily married. I also get a bit 'everyone is so lovely and I'll tell them' when I've had a few drinks. Obviously I don't know this man but I don't think it's a clear cut he's definitely trying to have an affair with you scenario.

keeprunninguphill · 02/09/2017 21:37

You are so over reacting! give the guy a break.a few words in a text- easily taken of context and you have the guy as a philandering nutter! Forget it all and carry on as you were, for goodness sahke.

cunningartificer · 02/09/2017 21:38

I think there's a little bit of an over reaction tbh. Agreed 'you don't want me there' is asking for a reply on the lines of 'of course we do!' And suspect to a not overly careful texter what he said was intended that way, i.e. Always like your company, not glad you've gone at all. It's not equivalent to making a move, which he could have done in person earlier in the evening had he wished to. I think he felt he was replying in the same tone. Then mortified to realise you think it's a pass, and when explaining gets him in deeper thinks only way to avoid this embarrassing issue is to cancel get together in case you accuse him of doing it just so he can see you. Except that's now backfired. All the 'ohhemustbemaking a move on you because he has a new baby and you're friends' business is a bit much. Sometimes people express themselves clumsily--why does it have to be such a drama!

kali110 · 02/09/2017 21:43

VeryCunningStunt
Probably because they've always been friends?
Where ive worked people you work with end up your friends, you text them as yoi would your normal friends.
She didnt know he'd hit on her.

kali110 · 02/09/2017 21:45

we're playing darts. Wish you were here."
This bit isn't bad, if he'd just said this and had a joke i wouldn't say he has to be hitting on you, however adding
want you there always this, and then cancelling, nope def sounds as if he's hitting on you.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/09/2017 21:45

@TormundsGingerBeard is right, leave it on his desk.
He was trying it on, and after your response, thought better of it.
You owe him nothing.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 02/09/2017 21:46

I thought this seemed familiar too.