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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD abusive ex and dd

38 replies

user1469032438 · 02/09/2017 12:28

(I have name changed) this is long but all relevant (probably?)

Basically to cut a long story short around 4 years ago i had a 2 year relationship with an awful guy, both physically and emotionally abusive, split up with him for around 12 months then had a one night stand with him and got pregnant.

As soon as I found out, I sorted my life out, quit drinking completely ( i was a binge drinker) paid off all my debts saved up a couple thousand got me and dd (who is now 6 months) a house of our own. I have always had mental health issues and suffered from severe depression and anxiety which were at an all time worst after this relationship. I didnt get better because i didnt think i was worth getting better for. When we split up I was getting better slowly but still didnt have the motivation, dd changed it all for me and although I still have some way to go, I now see therapists and i finally feel like I am coming out of a tunnel, i feel like i have a future for the first time in as long as i can remember. (I feel this all relevant)

I never told my ex i was pregnant. My family said it was their support or his and i couldnt of done all this without my family. I disnt want him our lives anyway for my dd to see me be treated that way and to be let down by him all the time. He doesnt work has a criminal and is mid thirties so i dont think going to change, he sells drugs so doesnt claim benefits so im not legally entitiled to a penny off him and i really couldnt think of one good reason to tell him.

Fast forward to now. Ex has never stopped texting me asking mundane shut or just being out and ot nasty an example, the other day he text saying "next time i see you im going to smack your face in" then the very next day text me saying "does your phone still do emojis different to mine?" I never reply to any of his texts. Anyway now he has text this morning saying "someone you know has told me youve had a baby" and a little while later "well? Have you or not?"

so my WWYD is.....
would you reply and say yes ?
Reply and say no?
Not reply?
And dies anyone know if he can demand a DNA ? He comes from a very rich family and im terrified he will take me for custody and win even minimal contact i honestly dont think she would be safe.

Sorry so long i didnt want to drip feed.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 02/09/2017 12:31

Absolutely ignore him. He can take steps to get a DNA test but he doesn't sound like he would get it together. You should talk to the police about barrassment and threats.

Gilead · 02/09/2017 12:32

Why don't you just block his number, then you don't have to reply to anything. It's good that you're sorting yourself out, but whilst you've still got his number on your 'phone, you're not actually moving on and you're exposing yourself to further abuse.
I do think you've done well, but don't allow yourself to go backwards, your dd needs you, happy, healthy and whole.

BarbarianMum · 02/09/2017 12:32

You never reply to his texts, for Gods sake don't start now. In fact, why not block him?

Hang on to the texts he has sent though, esp the abusive ones.

scootinFun · 02/09/2017 12:35

Block him, don't reply. Is he on the birth certificate? And well done on getting your life sorted btw!

Nuttynoo · 02/09/2017 12:35

Don't reply. Block his number or change your own.

UnicornRainbowColours · 02/09/2017 12:36

Ignore ignore ignore!!!! Your doing amazing don't let him drag you back down!

Ilovecoleslaw · 02/09/2017 12:39

Don't reply to messages.
Keep all the messages he has sent you, you may need them!

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/09/2017 12:40

Another vote for block and ignore, In this case I would even deny that your dd is his.

If he wants to follow up its his choice

formerbabe · 02/09/2017 12:42

If it was me, I wouldn't reply to him. I'd completely ignore.

However, I wouldn't block him because any abusive messages you receive from him may be useful to you in the future if you see what I mean.

Original poster

user1469032438 · 02/09/2017 12:42

I hadnt blocked him because i wanted a record of the texts although now im thinking that would of been better as i wouldnt know any of this.

He isnt on the birth certificate no.

I think whats making it worse is i went out with some friends i havent seen since i was with him the other day, this was a big achievement for me due my anxiety i havent been out with friends in so long this was going to be the first proper time and i ended up explaining about her dad (who i didnt think they knew IRL) as they were calling me selfish for him not vebing involved and now i get this text off him. Maybe its coincidence but i think not. I just dont know why some people are so cruel/idioctic to mess in something that isnt anything to do with them.
So that extra rant was a freebie

OP posts:

Notevilstepmother · 02/09/2017 12:45

May I suggest;

Get a new phone with a new number for your new life. Ceremonially drop the old one in the river.

You did what so many struggle with, you left an abusive relationship. You should be so proud of what you have achieved. Don't look back.

Notevilstepmother · 02/09/2017 12:46

Having read the drip feed, it sounds like they are not your friends.

You need to cut them off too. For your child's sake.

QuiteLikely5 · 02/09/2017 12:47

Do not tell anyone the identity of the father!

Do not respond to him block him!

Unless you do that imo you are keeping one foot back in that relationship and still looking back.

He ain't never go be the man you want so forget him

ToesInWater · 02/09/2017 12:47

Thank goodness he isn't on the birth cert! He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who will just disappear tbh, in fact if he thinks he might have a "hook" back into your life he is likely to be more persistent. My very non professional advice tbh would be to respond and say yes, you had a child with a guy you were in a relationship with, don't give an age, THEN you stop responding to him.

Notevilstepmother · 02/09/2017 12:48

If you think you need the messages, hand the old phone over to a family member. You need to stop being contactable by him.

Madwoman5 · 02/09/2017 12:52

Police with the texts before this escalates. Do not respond and get yourself some new friends.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2017 13:10

Delete and block his number, and have no further contact.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2017 13:11

Those 'friends' might not be friends after all, they might be the ones to inform him. I would cut them off too.

alfagirl73 · 02/09/2017 13:19

Does he know where you live? Given his history you need to be extremely careful about who you are associating with and what you are telling people. You need to ensure there is absolutey no contact with this guy and that no one is passing on information. People are too keen to get involved in other people's drama these days, never for a second giving actual thought to the potential consequences.

Keep the messages he has sent to date as they are evidence of violent threats - just in case. Then block him, change your number if necessary, make sure there are no mutual contacts on social media... seek out new friends, positive friendships - look at it as starting completely fresh.

If neither he or your mutual friends know where you live - keep it that way!

Ttbb · 02/09/2017 13:33

Don't reply. If he tries to apply to custody anonymously report him to the police for drug dealing. He's not going to be able to launch a custody battle from prison.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2017 13:38

Good idea to replace your sim, and get another. with a different number on.

ClemDanfango · 02/09/2017 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493413286 · 02/09/2017 13:44

Don't reply and change your number and start telling people someone else is baby's dad.
In theory he could take you to court, demand a DNA test through court, request to be on the birth certificate and then request contact through court but all of that takes time, over a year minimum so I'm imagining he would lose interest and it's very difficult to do if he doesn't have your address or any of your or baby's details.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2017 13:51

keep your cards close to your chest, don't reveal your babies father to anyone! have a few close friends only, He has no right to be in your babies life, considering his abuse and drug taking.

butterfly56 · 02/09/2017 14:09

Get another phone. Don't answer his texts and don't give out any details to people who might know him.
Keep the old phone but keep it switched off if you are needing to collect evidence of his abuse.
You have done an amazing job getting yourself together and things will get even better if you put yourself and your child first.

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