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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be horrifed that dh wants to bring his Mother over from NZ....

39 replies

MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 16:56

pay for her, (when we are skint) to stay for a month!!!
I don't really know her. She's not malicious or anything, or unkind but it still makes the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.

The house isn't big enough...
She's not having the children out of nursery..

Why am I struggling with this so?

Two years ago, dh and I with 18 month old dd and myself 4 months pregnant went over to NZ at a vast expense to ourselves. I'd never have gone if he was going to suggest this two years later.

OP posts:
vimfuego · 02/04/2007 16:58

I can understand why someone would want to see their mother, and for their mother to meet their grandchildren for the first time in two years. I think I'd make a few sacrifices for that.

3easterbunniesandnomore · 02/04/2007 16:58

well...isn't it a bit understandable though that he wants to see his mother...especially as she lives so far away?
The money issue is obvioulsy not so great, and could possibly be sorted differently...but I don't think there is anything wrong with it!
My mum, who lives in germany always comes to stay for 4 weeks at the time....not worth the while otherwise...

fairyjay · 02/04/2007 16:59

She is his mum though.

Grrrr · 02/04/2007 17:00

Is this his idea or hers ?

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 17:01

I could live with my Mum for a month.

I can already feel the pressure building. This is really going to wind me up.

And I know I'm being unreasonable

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 02/04/2007 17:03

Do you not get on?

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 17:04

I know she's been hinting for ages. Of course she knows we can't afford it though.
It's his suggestion. He's the eldest of three boys, we have the only grandchildren and he just can't get over the guilt that he lives so far away.
Personally I think she is leaning on him too much. His brothers live closer, doesn't bother them.

OP posts:
3easterbunniesandnomore · 02/04/2007 17:04

sometimes this dil attitude really worries me for the future, as I have 3 ds's...I would hate it if the girls mums would get all the time in the world wiht their grandkids, etc...and I would be left out, just because I am just the mil....

3easterbunniesandnomore · 02/04/2007 17:05

they are her only grandchildren...surely that is part of the reason why she so wants to see you.....

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 17:06

Let's put it like this..
The first time I met her was on our wedding day.
She refused my parents offer to stay with them at that time and left quickly the next day.
We saw her briefly before she went home after our honeymoon.

The only other time I saw her was two years ago when we visited NZ.
But dh and herself were rowing most of the time, family stuff, so I stayed out of it.

OP posts:
fannyannie · 02/04/2007 17:07

I'm with some of the others - I don't see whats so horrifying - they're her grandchildren!

FWIW if we could scrape the money together to pay for my FIL to come and stay for a month (even though we have no space and no money) then I would - because I think he deserves to see his grandchildren (and his son for that matter!) as much as my parents who only live a few hours drive away. And I say that even though we only went out to see DH's family last August!

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 17:09

I know she wants to see her grandchildren but that doesn't make it any easier thinking about it.

OP posts:
kslatts · 02/04/2007 17:11

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, I appreciate you can't afford it so not great that your dh is offering to pay, however if I lived so far from my mum I would pay for her to visit so that I could spend time with her even if I couldn't really afford it and would expect dh to do the same for his mum.

3easterbunniesandnomore · 02/04/2007 17:13

well...maybe yo will have a pleasant surprise...you never know....maybe she iwll be appreciative and even give a chance of have some one to one time with your dh

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 17:14

Okay I am being unreasonable.
Still hate the idea though.

Think we need a strict itinerary.

OP posts:
baffledbybaby · 02/04/2007 17:14

It's only a month .
When I looked at the thread title I thought you meant forever.
It'll probably not be as bad as you think.
You might be pleasantly surprised.

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 17:15

It's gonna feel like forever

OP posts:
KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg · 02/04/2007 17:16

she didny pay for you to come over, so you shouldnt pay for her imo

but you shoulny begrudge your DH a visit from his mum

3easterbunniesandnomore · 02/04/2007 17:17

I know I would not want to be with dh if he would have that sort of attitude towards my mum staying...I think, I would have actually left him by now (or he me, lol)....

RedLorryYellowLorry · 02/04/2007 17:19

Will your dh be taking time off during her stay? My in-laws came for 3 weeks (practically strangers to me) and dh didn't take any time off except for Sundays. It wasn't a happy time for me tbh.

Blu · 02/04/2007 17:21

Sorry, it comes with the territory of marrying someone with family miles away. She can hardly pop over for a couple of days, can she?

It's always stresful having people to stay for a prolonged period (I know, i had my MIL for 5 weeks - hell) but you just have to get through it.

Have your thoroughly unreasonable moment, then face up to reality and plan a few things and relax. It will be worse if you expect it to be hell and get yourself in a tense mood to begin with. You will add to the hellness if you face the whole thing with bad grace.

3easterbunniesandnomore · 02/04/2007 17:22

Agree with BLu, try and make it a good time, ratehr then expecting doom and gloom!

Blu · 02/04/2007 17:23

Not that I managed to follow my own advice, 100%

Tiggerish · 02/04/2007 17:50

My pil do this every 2 years or so (also from NZ) Last year they were here on and off for 12 weeks. fil spent the first 4 with us on his own. It was fine provided we had an itinerary and got out and about regularly. Sometimes together, sometimes separately. real bonus that he would babysit whenever we asked!

Although its not easy, neither is it so terrible if you plan and have realistic expectations.

WinkyWinkola · 02/04/2007 19:20

Does she have to stay with you the whole time? It might take pressure off you if she can stay somewhere else for at least some of the time. After all, she's visiting a foreign country and she might also want to have a look about as a tourist.

A month sounds really intense to me. I'm not sure I'd do it either. Sometimes there's a reason people move to another country!

Could there be a compromise on two weeks? Or, how about one week with you, one week travelling about for her, another week with you and another week travelling about for her?

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