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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be horrifed that dh wants to bring his Mother over from NZ....

39 replies

MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 16:56

pay for her, (when we are skint) to stay for a month!!!
I don't really know her. She's not malicious or anything, or unkind but it still makes the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.

The house isn't big enough...
She's not having the children out of nursery..

Why am I struggling with this so?

Two years ago, dh and I with 18 month old dd and myself 4 months pregnant went over to NZ at a vast expense to ourselves. I'd never have gone if he was going to suggest this two years later.

OP posts:

idlemum · 02/04/2007 19:31

Agree that reasonable for her to want to see her son and grandchildren BUT are you and DH having to make equal sacrifices?How much of a struggle will paying for her be and what will you have to go without to do it? Do you share house duties equally because if you don't then you need to make sure that all the extra work does not fall on you. That is why so many women get het up about PILs visiting - because most of the time the extra work and aggro falls on them.

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 19:51

Thanks Ladies, I know you are right.
I'm actually believe that her loss is my gain. The fact dh doesn't want to return to NZ to live is in my favour, but I should add that we established that before we got married.
He came here to live with me.

There is loads of other stuff too that causes problems. Dh is adopted, this is his adopted mother but to complicate matters he is also in touch with his biological parents. I really like them. They are much younger, not yet retired. I really enjoyed staying with them and I'd be really happy for them to stay over. His biological sister is coming over on a working holiday visa and I expect she will spend time with us. Obviously the fact we stayed with them causes some problems with his adopted mother, hence the rows

OP posts:

beckybrastraps · 02/04/2007 20:08

Gosh. I feel rather sorry for her now. I can see why your dh wants her to come over TBH.

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 20:10

Do I seem horrible?

I guess I am, it's just I can voice all this on here in this annonymous environment.

OP posts:

beckybrastraps · 02/04/2007 20:28

No No! Not you! The situation seems as though it must be very hard for her. ANd she is a long way away. You vent away on here. You can't help how you feel. The thought of my MIL coming to stay for so long makes me feel faint. I hate it when she stays. I am very nice to her, reasonably nice to dh about it, and rant away liberally to my friends

fannyannie · 02/04/2007 20:35

no you don't seem horrible - get it all out on here, then get your head down with your DH and get planning. Plan things for her to do on her own, with you, with DH etc etc, start planning how you'll raise the money - consider letting her have the children out of nursery just for a few days (will it really do them any harm at that age to miss some of it to see Granny??).

FWIW I'd LOVE to be able to see DH's family once every 2yrs.......I met most of them only once or twice before we got married/at the wedding in December 1999. We left Zimbabwe in April 2000 and apart from his 2 older sisters who live in the UK (but still quite some distance from us) we didn't see any of his family again until August last year (2006) - don't know when we'll next get to see them either .

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 21:15

Well dh left Australia in December 1999. He had moved from NZ 9 months earlier, his ambition to be in Sydney for the millenium celebrations.
It never happened.
I met him at his leaving do in NZ (I gate crashed it), he returned 6 years later married with a dd and another on the way

MIL is 70 this year. I simply could not allow myself to leave the children with her. It soooo long since she has had any contact with small children, they would run rings round her.

I am going to insist dh takes time off to be with her. I'm sure she has some long lost rellies out there too. A very strict itinerary. And I am going to work hard.
I am going to stay out of the way as much as possible and struggle with my own demons.
I do know she is messy....and I am obsessive in the house!!! In fact when I developed PND last year, it was this aspect of my behaviour that became so pronounced.

OP posts:

MrsDanvers · 02/04/2007 21:19

How would you like it if your DH told you that your mother could only visit and see her DD and DGC once every two years? And how would you like it if your DIL only allowed you to visit your DS and DGC once every two years? She's still your DH's mum even if she didn't give birth to him. You're being unreasonable.

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 21:34

I have never said she couldn't come.
I just said I don't think we should pay for her and I don't like it.

OP posts:

PippiLangstrump · 02/04/2007 21:46

we pay for my mum and my dad to come and visit (separately) for a week 3 times a year each. Okay it's not from NZ but all together (plus the time we all go or just me and DD go) it's a lot more than a return trip to NZ.

DH is happy to pay, is happy that his MIL and FIL stay (we have a two bed flat at the mom -so no extra room for guests), is happy that DD is out of childminder and spends time with what he considers family.

Untill now I don't think I have fully appreciate what he does. They are not his family and he puts up with it with a big smile (if there's one that moans it's me usually).

This is not a criticism of you Mrs Doolitlle because I am not sure I could do the same as him, or if I did I'd moan and groan and huff and puff - and surely like you I'd complain about the money spent.

But seeing it from the other point of you I think I'd be devastated if we did not do it. It's hard to have your kids grow far away from their granparents...

KickingEasterAngel · 02/04/2007 21:59

any chance of the other children helping with the costs? if it's for her benefit,would they be willing to contribute, even if only a little?

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 02/04/2007 22:11

KickingEasterAngel - I wish they would but no there isn't

I still don't like it.

Anyway, I have to go now. Thanks you for all your replies.
Dh has just looked at the over my shoulder
Thankfully, he laughed.

OP posts:

RosaLuxembourg · 02/04/2007 22:12

My mum comes to visit twice a year for three weeks at a time. Even I get fed up by the end of week two, so I have to say I think the fact that my DH is totally accepting of it, albeit a bit stressed by the end of the visit, really makes me appreciate what a wonderful husband he is. She can be a very annoying person, but she really wants to build a relationship with her grandchildren and he understands that and is prepared to facilitate it no matter how irritating it is to have her around for so long.
TBH I admire him all the more because I don't think I could cope with MIL for three weeks - but I know if the situation were reversed I would bite my lip and do it for DH's sake.
So, basically, no I don't think you are being unreasonable in how you feel, but I think you should focus on the benefit to your children of building a relationship with their grandmother.

PippiLangstrump · 02/04/2007 22:16

point of VIEW obviously ...

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