DH and MIL again

[Freddofrog1983]

My husband has just left for work and we have fallen out again about his mum. Last night he said he wanted to talk about his mum and about what he should do. He hadn't spoken to her since April when I had a miscarriage. He phoned her last Friday and spoke to her and she said she would phone the night after which she didn't. She always does that anyway saying she will phone but doesn't.

I dont really know what to suggest anymore. When my husband phoned his mum last week he told her I nearly died when I was in hospital and she didn't even acknowledge it and changed the subject and started talking about someone else in the family. I feel so hurt by her behaviour. MIL had offered to come down but cancelled and the last minute just as she cancelled about coming down when I had my third child by c section, she only told us when I went into hospital to have him.

Over the years I have tried to include her by asking her to go on holiday with us and phoning her often, I have asked her if she would like to come down or if we could take her out and drop her back and always it's no or she will say yes initially then cancel at the last minute.

April was the last straw for me. Going into hospital on my own I was terrified as I felt like I was dying and when I mentioned that to the nurse the next day I thought she would tell me to not be silly but she said all the signs had been there. I just can't get over the fact MIL was sitting at home so my husband couldn't come as he had the other children.

Last night my husband said what if he had been like this with my mum. (My mum died last year)My mum was different I'm not just being biased when I say that but she helped us where ever she could. A few years ago when my husband had a suspected heart attack it was my mum who sat with the children so I could be with my husband and my husband had to beg his mum to come down, he was crying and she did in the end come for two days and the whole time she was there she was talking about going home and looking at her watch the day she was due to be picked up.

Trouble is now my husband is having a go at me because I said he needs to do what he needs to do but I can't be part of it. I said his family have treated me poorly for years and I have let it go but the miscarriage was the last straw. He said what about how I had treated his family. I haven't treated them badly and this morning he said he didn't say that but he did.

He has now gone to work telling me he doesn't want to talk about dogs or babies(I want to try for another baby at some point and also was thinking about rehoming a 3 year old dog) If my husband talked to his mum about her actions I would probably feel better about things but he said he isn't going to challenge a 70 year old woman. I said you challenge me but that is apparently different. He thinks I want him to have a big fall out with his mum but I don't. I do think he needs to stand up for himself and his family though and he doesn't have to be shouting or rude when he does that.

I feel a bit on my own really. He has invited a friend to visit today and has now told me he isn't coming home after work(he probably will but just playing with my head. I don't understand how he can treat me like this but say nothing to his mum and treat her like nothing has happened.

I need to find a way myself to move on from what has happened but I just feel so angry and upset at the same time and I don't like feeling like this. I'm the only one who used to phone her every day for a chat, she even said she spoke to me more than the rest of her family.

I don't really know what to suggest, but it sounds awful. It sounds too like there's something quite deep that's wrong here and you're caught in it - that's to say it's not your fault. That he had to be crying before she agreed to come just isn't normal.

But you've done, from the sounds of it, the dutiful DIL things for a long time now and it's not benefitting you. What do you want? The problem is somehow between DH and MIL (even if it's that she didn't want him to marry you or something similar - not saying it is, just that it's really not something that's your fault) and that means that it's unlikely he'll be able to solve it either, in part because he seems blinded by it, or caught up in a sort of loyalty towards her.

So best place to start is with yourself. How do you want to feel? What can you do to facilitate that happening, and equally, what's going to be a waste of your energy in terms of trying to get that? It may be useful to think widely and outside the box. He's having a bit of a strop, which makes it about him, so why not turn it around to you and leave him to his mood for now.

That sounds like a horrid situation. .

I am afraid I don't have any good advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Do you have someone in real life you can have over for a cup of tea and a chat?

Of course he should challenge her over her selfish behaviour. Sounds like he won't though.

Stop engaging with her so much, and don't engage with him either when he asks why, beyond just telling him you are just fed up of the whole situation (and nothing more).

Stop inviting her down for social gatherings, breaks and holidays too. She is making it very clear that she doesn't really want to go.

I agree with Mysterymacavity leave him to it for a bit maybe take a bit of time out to do something for yourself.

My dh took a while to accept his dm was toxic after years of second chances. When our ds was born and she snubbed him was the final straw. I told dh he was welcome to continue a relationship with her but I wouldn't be. . When he became a df he realised how wrong her whole behaviour had been to him as a dc and was worse seeing it as an adult. He went nc and said he feels relieved that she isn't in his life now. Your dh must be struggling to accept who she is. Leave him to it. Don't get into arguments about her. She is nothing to you so no need to speak about her.

Your MIL is different to your mum. She is not as caring or as considerate. She is the way she is, but she is still your OH's mum and he loves her. She must have some other qualities, even if you haven't experienced them.

I don't like my MIL and she's done things that I have found disrespectful and hurtful towards me, but I know it wasn't done in the intention to be so. She is a wonderful person is some ways, but can be nasty in others. I've learned to take her as she is. I am not myself around her, I couldn't be, but that's fine. I focus on the positive and ignore the negative and most importantly, I don't expect ANYTHING from her, so can't really be disappointed.

OH has acknowledged that the things she did were wrong, which I know was hard for him to say as he thinks his mum is anything but wonderful, so there was no need to mention it again and I just moved on.

You are only angry and upset because of what you expected from her. If you stop doing so, you'll be fine.

I personally want NC with her as her behaviour has gone back years. It all started with myself when my first child was born and I wouldn't take the baby to her house as BIL who lives there smokes inside. That is why I tried so hard to invite her to different places but unless we go in the house she won't come out. My youngest is 3 and she has seen him twice. My eldest child thought his nan was in heaven and that's why he doesn't see her as he was very upset when my mum died and he talks about heaven and dying a lot.

My husband thinks I want him to fall out with her and ave a row but I really don't I just want him to stand up for himself and me.

If I'm honest I do blame her for being on my own in hospital as someone could have brought her up to sit with the grandchildren while my husband could have been with me. By my husband not pulling her up on her behaviour it feels like he's saying what happened in April is ok. I know it probably isn't like that but that is how my mind works.

If she doesn't turn up anyway can you suggest that DH invites her to things? Win win, you look good for suggesting the invite and she looks bad for not showing up?

Firstly this is a horrific time for the both of you, probably not the best time for you or him to have to deal with family. I know that if my DP tried to push me into a conflict with my family I would probably push back against him. I no longer speak to my brother, but I had to come to that decision myself if DP had got involved I would still be in the destructive circle.

Swingofthngs, I think I need to talk to someone about how I feel because probably a lot of how I feel is to do with the grief of losing my mum. I'm not coping to well with that even though it's been a year. I lost the babies on Mother's Day which would have been the first without my mum. By losing my mum I feel like I have lost the only person who had my back.

It sounds like he's very very deep in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). And I think he's prepared to do anything to get back to "normal".

The trouble is that "normal" just isn't a viable option anymore. She's gone too far this time, but he wants to continue to excuse her behaviour.

You need to stay firm. You've done exactly the right thing - his relationship with her is not dependent on you and you need to be stronger than you've ever been about this.

I wouldn't let the dc anywhere near her either btw. They don't deserve to be exposed to her.

Lower your expectations of her. Well, expect nothing from her and you won't be disappointed. It's awful what she put you through, and she obviously doesn't care very much. Do you have other sources of support nearby? If so, I'd call on them in an emergency.

frog

re your comment:-
"If my husband talked to his mum about her actions I would probably feel better about things but he said he isn't going to challenge a 70 year old woman".

So her bad behaviour is further rewarded; his mother does this anyway because her own family of origin likely did the same to her too. She has learnt that this works for her. She is not going to change but your DH needs to change how he reacts to her; that is not going to be easy at all and he should consider seeing a therapist re his FOG.

Your DHs own inertia when it comes to his mother simply continues to hurt him as well as his own family unit. He is also very much caught up in his own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re his mother. Unfortunately for someone like your DH who was raised by such a toxic person, standing up for his own self is nigh on impossible when you have been trained to put others i.e. her first and you stone last.

Your mistake here has been to try and include his mother at all; she does not want to know and is happy in her own miseries. Your boundaries have been way too low to date re her as well so these need to be raised and reaffirmed urgently.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics that she uses on him. DO not yourself get into arguments about his mother.

I would also post this in Relationships; this is not really an AIBU issue.

I think it's likely that your husband doesn't have the confidence in his relationship with his mum that he does with you. He's scared to rock the boat because of what that might mean- i.e. NC.

Why do you expect your Mil to come down every time something happens!? She clearly doesn't like it and is not reliable. You need to stop relying on her and then you won't be disappointed. Sorry to ask but how did you nearly die from a miscarriage? A bit of me is thinking when you have a few kids you have to accept that if you have noone willing to have them for you in emergencies, then you have to do things on your own while the other partner is minding them.

Dingdong, I don't have any other support, I have no siblings and lost both parents. I only have my husband and children. My MIL knows this which is why I feel so let down. MIL phoned my husband a couple of years ago thinking she was coughing up blood and my husband left work and drove to her to take her to A&E. everything was ok though.

I thought I was going to die on my own in hospital. I was a bit out of it with the pain relief and blood loss but I remember feeling fear and I can't get past MIL sitting at home.

I know this must be difficult for you especially as you lost your mum last year. Clearly your DH still wants a relationship with his mother (despite her flakiness) and he will not thank you for standing in his way. You are right, you have to find a way to deal with it as it's unlikely she will change at 70.

My DM and MIL and are older and have never had an active involvement with our children. It's sad, especially when I see how devoted other grandparents are. But my DC don't know any different and have two devoted parents.

We have also noticed that both of them (they live in different countries, do not speak the same language or have even met) have started doing the asking about the children but only out of politeness before they can start talking about their friends, their day, their cat and what happened in the village or who they spoke to on the bus. My mum actually spoke to a close relative who had just lost their grown up son and said she had told them about an old lady on the bus and 'so that made his day' I was aghast. She genuinely believed it was okay.

I think it is partly loneliness, both women live alone and although different they are both set in their ways.

You need to redirect your feelings. You have a right to feel hurt that she didn't acknowledge, nor help during your miscarriage. But do what I do and withdraw gracefully. Do not let her come between the two of you. If he wants to see her, he goes over there. I have withdrawn from my MIL. I go over there labour 1 out of 4 times. She has asked and I have said 'oh it's DH you want to see, not me' I am civil but have stopped jumping through hoops to make her like me. I have stopped asking her to babysit and prefer to do swapsies with friends or pay. When she asked I said 'but I need to make firm arrangements.' I get the cats but mouth but she can't say anyway she has let us down so many times. Tonight we were all invited to dinner. I have declined and I am making some cheap weekend calls abroad whilst watching Bridget Jones Baby. I am looking forward to my time and he and the kids spend time with MIL.

Good luck OP.

Freddo, there is some good advice here, so I've nothing to add,
I just wanted to send you a big hug, I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, and the loss of your darling mum.💐

Tabby I had a haemorrhage and went into shock.

I don't expect her to come down every time something happens as it's not very often something so severe happens but on this occasion I don't think it would have hurt her as it was an emergency and we had no one else to call on.

You have to accept that your mil is not your crutch or your go to person. Just because you don't have any other support doesn't mean she is your slave. She doesn't want to be. You have to accept that. You have also have to accept that it was your decision to have these children....surely you didn't have them expecting everyone to run around you all the time if something happens? Get a childminder....who you may then be able to ask to watch the kids if something else happens. Stop blaming your mil. Stop thinking she should be running round after you.. she does not want to do it. You are expecting too much.

I'm going to be blunt.

Please do not have another baby or a dog.

They are so tying and you if you need help you do not have it in your MIL. Cut all contact and expectations with her. Do not mention her, phone her, send her cards, invite her anywhere. She is your DH's problem. Get on with your life and enjoy the children you already have.

Wow Tabby, bit harsh. I don't see her as my 'slave' but it was ok for my husband to be driving up the motorway to take her to A&E. Why couldn't she get a taxi or ambulance?

Your MIL is who she is, she isn't going to step up to support you the way your mum did and honestly she's a pretty bad parent to your DH.

The sooner you massively lower your expectations of her to zero, the happier you will be. I suspect some of your feelings are tied up with grief about how you have lost your lovely mum and this rather crappy woman is still around.

Your DH however is still stuck, hoping she will be better and needs to find his own way. He wants to have a relationship, gets excited when she says she will call back and hurt when she doesn't. Reaading Toxic Inlaws would help a lot. If you could be at a point where you let him do his thing, smile and nod when he tells you she's calling on Saturday and then be there to give him a hug when she doesn't, it would be great.

He's angry at you because he knows deep down his family are crap. But he loves them and that's a very painful thing to admit.

It's pretty clear you don't see her as your slave OP. You were in an emergency situation and the person you'd normally have called (your mum) is gone 💐

I do think you need to find a reliable childminder though who does babysitting too - this way you have that support network. And I agree with PP, just stop contact from your side. Your DH can do whatever he likes.

I mean this gently - I think you're projecting your feelings about your miscarriage onto her because it's so much easier to do that than to actually deal with a life threatening trauma and losing a baby. Perhaps go and see your GP for some counselling around what happened, and put your MIL in the 'not worth it' box. That's where my MIL is.