DH and MIL again

[Freddofrog1983]

My husband has just left for work and we have fallen out again about his mum. Last night he said he wanted to talk about his mum and about what he should do. He hadn't spoken to her since April when I had a miscarriage. He phoned her last Friday and spoke to her and she said she would phone the night after which she didn't. She always does that anyway saying she will phone but doesn't.

I dont really know what to suggest anymore. When my husband phoned his mum last week he told her I nearly died when I was in hospital and she didn't even acknowledge it and changed the subject and started talking about someone else in the family. I feel so hurt by her behaviour. MIL had offered to come down but cancelled and the last minute just as she cancelled about coming down when I had my third child by c section, she only told us when I went into hospital to have him.

Over the years I have tried to include her by asking her to go on holiday with us and phoning her often, I have asked her if she would like to come down or if we could take her out and drop her back and always it's no or she will say yes initially then cancel at the last minute.

April was the last straw for me. Going into hospital on my own I was terrified as I felt like I was dying and when I mentioned that to the nurse the next day I thought she would tell me to not be silly but she said all the signs had been there. I just can't get over the fact MIL was sitting at home so my husband couldn't come as he had the other children.

Last night my husband said what if he had been like this with my mum. (My mum died last year)My mum was different I'm not just being biased when I say that but she helped us where ever she could. A few years ago when my husband had a suspected heart attack it was my mum who sat with the children so I could be with my husband and my husband had to beg his mum to come down, he was crying and she did in the end come for two days and the whole time she was there she was talking about going home and looking at her watch the day she was due to be picked up.

Trouble is now my husband is having a go at me because I said he needs to do what he needs to do but I can't be part of it. I said his family have treated me poorly for years and I have let it go but the miscarriage was the last straw. He said what about how I had treated his family. I haven't treated them badly and this morning he said he didn't say that but he did.

He has now gone to work telling me he doesn't want to talk about dogs or babies(I want to try for another baby at some point and also was thinking about rehoming a 3 year old dog) If my husband talked to his mum about her actions I would probably feel better about things but he said he isn't going to challenge a 70 year old woman. I said you challenge me but that is apparently different. He thinks I want him to have a big fall out with his mum but I don't. I do think he needs to stand up for himself and his family though and he doesn't have to be shouting or rude when he does that.

I feel a bit on my own really. He has invited a friend to visit today and has now told me he isn't coming home after work(he probably will but just playing with my head. I don't understand how he can treat me like this but say nothing to his mum and treat her like nothing has happened.

OP, you have had a terrible time, and I am sorry.

And it would all be easier if your MIL was a support.

But she isn't and never had been. And it isn't your DH's fault she is like that, and he can't force her to be different.

It actually sounds as if she might have some sort of agoraphobia, with her refusal to leave her home.

But unfortunately in your distress it sounds as if you are pushing your DH away by blanking him for things he can't change.

I don't know where else to suggest you find support, this is where a best friend comes in handy.

Freddo...didn't mean it to be upsetting, but you have got yourself so wound up over what you think she should be doing for you. She simply isn't going to do it. Perhaps slave is too harsh a word but you need to stop thinking she has to drop everything and come. Your DH went to help her because he would feel guilty if he didn't. She is his Mother and no matter how much you don't like her you are never ever going to break that tie. She didn't need to come to help you because she probably thought your husband can watch the kids so she didn't need to. You need to get over it. She is not sat at home worrying about it or getting upset but you are. Life is too short.

I wonder if your MIL has some kind of social anxiety about leaving her house?

I do agree with others who say never expect anything of her again. I hope you feel better soon OP.

Ah, someone else already said what i said

Briolover, thank you. That's exactly how I felt, so lost.

I don't think my MIL has agoraphobia(I did initially wonder) but she will go out on the bus on her own and see her friends so it's not leaving the house that is the problem.

I have told DH lots of times that he needs to do what is right for him regarding contact with his mum but I don't think I can go there again.

Your MIL is 70 and obviously has her own issues about being away from home.

You really need to stop expecting anything from her but you also need to stop expecting your DH to feel the same way about her that you do.

She is his mother, warts and all. Stop trying to influence how he feels about her. He will move further and further away from you if you carry on doing this.

I know how hard it is to have a family with no external support. But they are your children and if you want to have further children and a dog you need to think long and hard about how you and DH will cope and what measures you can put in place in the event of an emergency. It seems that your DH realises this and that may be why he has said he doesn't want to talk about them anymore.

I really feel for you losing your DM last year. Of course you are still grieving and of course you can't help but be hurt by your MILs actions when you miss your own mum so much. But please stop comparing. They are not comparable. Concentrate on your children and your DH. Leave MIL to your DH and stop expecting him to feel the same way as you. He never will and you will just alienate him.

Hi freedofrog1983 having read your post the issues raised resonate with me and I wanted to offer some support to say that you are not alone in your experience with your MIL.

I would accept that you cannot change your MIL but can change how you respond to her. I think others have said the same and although it is hard to separate yourself from her she may not even notice if she really is that self centred!

My MIL is very similar in behaviour and over the years I have tried and tried to get her to see me in a favourable light (along with her grandchildren) however she is always focuses on herself and her needs and is quick to complain about everything. Her treatment of you may have helped you to see where she places you on her priorities (sorry to be blunt) but now you know I would suggest trying to separate her from you and your life. You can still send cards etc but emotionally detaching from her will help you feel less hurt.

Over the years I have been disappointed by my MIL and my husbands lack of challenge to her behaviour but he cannot or will not change his behaviour towards her. You can. Good luck and I wish you well. Xxx

Agoraphobia isn't just about leaving the house. My brother suffers it. he can go into the village he lives in, where everyone knows him etc, but asking him to leave it is tantamount to cutting his legs off. He just freezes.

70, whilst not old in some people is in others. I think you actually expect quite a lot from her. You don't say if she moans if you don't go see her, but if she doesn't it may be that she's just not the 'doting granny' type.

My Mum is late 60s and I can almost see her eyes roll if I suggest I'm bringing my own grand children over.

My Mum is actually quite hard work, we've never really got on and she's done some really horrible stuff to me over the years (inc sleeping with my ex when I was still with him). My present DH would like it if I had NC with her, but she's my Mum. I can't help but love her and want to see her sometimes. Human nature is weird.

Ignore her. This is about you. Lying in hospital on your own scared you might die must have been a deeply traumatic experience. Have you got some form of PTSD?

I think she may be thinking it's 'only' a miscarriage and not realising as well as the painful emotional trauma you faced the prospect of death and leaving your children on your own in a hospital bed.

Stop thinking about the needs of others and look after yourself. Your DH can do what he wants with his DM, but before that he needs to look after you first.

It sounds like you've had a really difficult year or so, and rightly expect that family will be around to support you. Unfortunately, the reality is that your MIL isn't someone you can rely on. It doesn't sound like she's going to change so I think you are making the exact right decision to go NC with her.
Try to remain calm and consistent when you speak to your OH. Reassure him he can do whatever he likes with her, you won't stop him seeing her etc, but you don't/can't have a relationship with her.

Is it possible that you're both using the MIL issue as a vent for the grief you must both be feeling? Have you had chance to talk to a professional about your losses?

I would leave personally. At least for a few days. Sounds like it really needs to hit home with your DH what an affect this vile woman's actions have had on you...

Flickety, thank you you're right, I knew how she was for a long time but I just put up with it but this situation was the final straw.

Mousse, I hadn't thought about PTSD and don't really know much about it but it could be a possibility. I'm due to pick up a prescription for medication for anxiety which I'm unsure I want to take as wanting to possibly TTC. The thought of another pregnancy terrifies me in case it happens again but I do want that last baby so I know Im going to have to find a way round it.

I just wish DH would stop trying to dismiss my feelings, he says I'm unforgiving but I'm really not. I have had to live with the consequence of his moods and feeling fed up because of his mum and it has had a negative effect on our family. That's why I want him to pull her up on it as it affects us all.

Thinking of some of the things that have come from his family, when my oldest was born MIL said he would probably grow up to be a 'gay boy'(disgusting thing to say) When my dad was ill with COPD my SIL partner said it wasn't a proper illness and when my dad died SIL said that I was using my dad's death as an excuse to not go down and visit. SIL (drunk)phoned my DH on our eldest child's first Christmas slagging me off and telling DH that he had to stand up to me, I only know this as I was standing by the phone when she called and she was shouting so loud I heard. My DH did hang up but said she was drunk and didn't know what she was saying. There have been many other comments like that over the years just because I won't take my children into their house. I think my DH made the mistake in the beginning by saying I was the one that wouldn't take them in rather that say it from both of us so they see me as the bad person.

I understand completely the fear you felt I lost twins in the second trimester and had a huge haemorrhage and almost didn't make it (yes I was told that after emergency surgery and blood transfusions) It has changed me completely in a lot of ways and also my DH who was able to be with me so I can't imagine how you felt alone .
My DPs don't live near us so we don't have them for childcare emergencies and although they visit us and we visit them my dm isn't really a doting grandmother, she wasn't a doting mother either until I was a lot older and is generally quite "standoffish" with people I don't think DH knows how to take her sometimes but just let's her get on with it as she is still kind. With your mil it seems much more extreme so I don't blame you for wanting nc but it seems your DH isn't ready to go that way himself, maybe best he does what he has to with his mum and has to understand for your ownsanity sake you can't anymore

Also I did go on to have another dd btw

I think all your energy is pouring into your mils actions and attitudes where really you need to concentrate on yourself and your dh and your own little family.

Let your mil go.

It sounds to me like you need to seek help over the loss of your mum and baby. Go see your GP.

Don't have another baby or dog. Stop concentrate on what you have and stop trying to reach for what you will never have.

I get it - I lost my mum during my first pregnancy. MIL hasn't even asked DH, let alone me, how I am doing this time around. Nor did she bother to mention it when I had several miscarriages before this pregnancy.

Take the anxiety medication - it sounds like you need to deal with the trauma of your last pregnancy before you can look at another. And try to take a step back from your DH's family, they don't sound nice or supportive. If he wants to take DS or speak to them then he can do what he likes, and you can be polite/pleasant if when they visit.

It's hard when you've come from the opposite type of family but you need to detach.

Lovingmybear2 Brilliant post, clear and simple.

Listen to this advice OP ^.

Let the details go, stop going over "she said, she did' focus on you.

Rivers, sorry for your losses. Mine was twins too. I never thought a miscarriage could be so dangerous until it happened to me, not dismissing the emotionally aspect.

Freddofrog1983

You never thought it could be dangerous and then there you are scared of dying, in pain, on your own. This is a deeply, deeply distressing experience.

You might be focusing on MiL because your own emotions are still in turmoil.

My inlaws never mind my kids, never acknowledge their birthdays, never seem that interested in them when we visit and barely acknowledged their births. I railed against that and gave DH grief and then after the third child, I just let it go. I had to remind his own mother when his birthday was in some general conversation (and it's a fairly significant date in history, that you wouldn't forget). This is who they are, at 60/70 he is not going to argue it out with them, you can't make someone feel something they don't and he just wants the status quo to continue where he helps them as needed, so he knows he carries no guilt or aggression and we all just carry on. Freddofrog, I suggest just let it go; he can have his contact with her and they can get on with it, don't bother trying anymore, don't bother arguing with him about her, it will take pressure off him; we can't change people but we can change our own relationships with people, save your energy for your kids instead of virtually headbutting a wall.