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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore my ex and let my daughter paint her nails?

33 replies

motheroreily · 02/09/2017 07:34

My Exh doesn't like our daughter who's 4 wearing make up of having her nails painted.

I've never put make up on her. But I have let her paint her nails a couple of times.

Whenever I have he gets really angry. He doesn't mind if it's at a party but that's all. Part of me thinks I should respect his wishes but part of me thinks I shouldn't back down.

He could be controlling so I'm a bit sensitive about him telling me what to do. But I can't see a problem with her having her nails painted. Aibu to ignore his wishes?

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 02/09/2017 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrizzyNoodles · 02/09/2017 07:40

Do it anyway. Its not like youre taking her for acrylics. Argos has a nail set aimed at 3 years and over with kids nail polish and decorations. You could compromise with something for children like that. It probably comes off easier too.

RubyGoat · 02/09/2017 07:40

I don't let my 5 yo DD have her nails painted with real nail polish, but that's mainly because she has terrible flaky cuticles that get infected & I think the remover would hurt. She's allowed to wear the peel-off stuff though. I'll let her wear proper stuff when she's old enough to look after her nails properly herself (i.e. clean & moisturise her nails & not dig in the dirt at every possible opportunity!) She frequently wears my eyeshadow, or illicitly sampled in Boots, usually applied wrong so she looks like Coco the Clown, but that's her business...

If you don't have any hygiene / health concerns, I don't see why it's any business of of you ex whether your DD has her nails painted. I assume he's your ex for a reason...

PotteringAlong · 02/09/2017 07:48

I wouldn't let my 4 year old have painted nails either.

What if it was something you didn't agree with? Would you think he should be allowed to do it anyway?

Notreallyarsed · 02/09/2017 07:49

DD used to love having her nails painted, I used the kids stuff that just peels off. Now she hates it so she doesn't do it any more.

treaclesoda · 02/09/2017 07:51

I'd let her do it whilst she is in your care. Then take it off before she goes to him.

AuntieStella · 02/09/2017 07:54

I made a decision early on never to fight about something that comes off. OK I made that rule more with the DC in mind, but I think it apples here too.

Just take if off after the dressing up is done.

Fairylea · 02/09/2017 07:57

Just do it anyway and remove it before he sees it to avoid the row or let him remove it. It's only nail polish for gods sake, I can't believe people get so stressed about something which is removable. Lots of little girls (and boys!) love nail polish, it doesn't make them look like a teenager or whatever just because they've got some colour on their nails.

Original poster

motheroreily · 02/09/2017 07:57

I see what you mean potteringalong but I can't imagine him doing anything I would disagree with. that makes me sound reckless and him perfect but we're not like that. If it was something like he wanted to let her watch an inappropriate film for her age or something dangerous or immoral then I would be upset. But why is it ok for nails at a party but not other times? I guess I feel he's trying to exert control

OP posts:

highinthesky · 02/09/2017 08:02

Stay away from the nail varnish for now. There are many things in the world to explore and self-decoration is not top of the list.

In your case it's adding unnecessary conflict with your ex. Pick your battles.

Original poster

motheroreily · 02/09/2017 08:14

Thank you this is helpful.

I got used to backing down over everything to avoid conflict (kind of big things like not seeing friends he didn't like and after we split not having a fair share of holidays and weekends) and now I'm not sure what is worth arguing about.

But can see how this isn't big deal.

OP posts:

HeteronormativeHaybales · 02/09/2017 08:16

I'm kind of with highinthesky. It's probably fairly harmless as things go but it's not necessary and tbh it's not desirable.

If something crops up that he's controlling over where you really need to make a stand, it'll be easier if he can't claim you make a fuss over every little thing.

jojo2916 · 02/09/2017 08:36

When she's with you let her if you want to when she's with him he can not let her if he wants to. Surely it can't be healthy to have an ex controlling minor things in your life and nail painting is minor, he can remove it when he has her if he doesn't like it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/09/2017 08:40

When my ds was 2 he used to love blue toe varnish!

I'd just do it and take it off before she goes to him OP.

Ellieboolou27 · 02/09/2017 09:50

Just use the peel off ones, both my dd's love nail painting and it does seems strange that very minor thing irritates him so much, but maybe he feels that taking her out with painted nails makes him uncomfortable, the peel off stuff is great and more suitable for delicate fingers.

WafflyVersatile1 · 02/09/2017 11:43

I think it's a bit worrying he gets "really angry" about something like this. If he's controlling it doesn't bode well for what he'll be like with her when she's a teenager.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/09/2017 13:22

If dd loves it and it's the kids varnish just do it.

He's an ex for a reason and it is all about control.

enceladus · 02/09/2017 13:24

My DH wouldn't even notice painted nails, most men wouldn't even bother to comment - face makeup may have a different response. She is a little girl who wants to colour in her nails, I disagree with previous advice...he should be the one to pick his battles. Let her paint her nails like any normal little girl would.

DopeOnARope · 02/09/2017 14:12

In our house it isn't a 'normal ' for 'normal little girls' to use nail varnish except as dressing up.

Dressing up knowing you are dressing up as an adult and using make up , nail varnish and high heels is different from nail varnish being 'normal ' wear for a 4 year old.

But it is an issue that he is aggressive and controlling.

I wouldn't choose to send her to his in nail varnish because it puts her right in the middle and she will be aware of him objecting, and removing it. But what you do when she is with you is ultimately up to you.

Fight the battles like fair access.

enceladus · 02/09/2017 14:20

@DopeOnARope, the OP said she let her paint her nails 'a couple of times', which is normal in any little girl's world - why capitulate to a controller over random painted nails; also suggest you stop misinterpreting messages to validate a viewpoint. It was never suggested as a daily thing.

thethoughtfox · 02/09/2017 14:24

The problem is, he has a say too. Presumably the issue is that she is a child and it is too grown up. What if in later years it is the other way round and he thinks it's ok to wear belly tops/ mini skirts/ heels etc? Will you be just as fine with him overriding you on this? It might be best to try to work together.

thethoughtfox · 02/09/2017 14:24

for her, obviously!

annandale · 02/09/2017 14:29

I think it would be fair to listen to him on this. It isn't a big deal not to do it, so why sweat it. If she colours in her nails with felt tips or it happens at a party she goes to, fine. 'We don't do that at home' would be ok I think. A lot of people dislike nail polish intensely, if you dont feel strongly either way it's hardly depriving her.

SenecaFalls · 02/09/2017 14:32

The last time DH babysat the granddaughters, he came home with painted toenails, each one a different color. I don't think of it as grown up these days; it's something most little girls like to play with. Having said that, I'd probably remove it before she goes to his house.

SenecaFalls · 02/09/2017 14:34

Just to clarify, they painted his toenails.

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