I'm Dreading School Next Week!

[user1499421397]

I'm dreading school. My 9 year old DD was in a frenemy bullying situation last year at school that, at its worst, resulted in her saying she wants to hurt herself or be dead.

It's a long story but her teacher denigrated her and invalidated her in front of the bullies, or just ignored her when she told her she'd been punched by one of them, which empowered them and made them invisible. She also openly (she told me herself when I was raising concerns) allowed the other children to monitor my DD's behaviour in class. It took me a long time to realise that no one was actually listening to my DD when she was telling them what was going on, including me as I was always thinking that the adults knew best so was trusting them. By the time anyone started listening my DD was already labelled as the problem. She made my daughter a scapegoat.

The short version is that the mother of one of the other kids was arse licking the teacher for the whole year and the staff assigned to 'supporting' my DD were friends of the mother, which I didn't know at the time. When my DD said something had happened it was always "X wouldn't do a thing like that", "X wouldn't have meant anything by it", "we've asked the support staff and they didn't see that" or "your daughter said this happened but X said it didn't" so case closed! My DD was given 1 to 1 support with one of the mother's friends, this time was supposed to be for my DD to express herself about what was happening in school so she was confiding in this person! On one occasion the teacher listened outside then came in and made the most bizarre comment to excuse the child punching her (when she hadn't taken appropriate action) that the kid only punches people she likes!!! The head was going to these 3 people in particular to gather information on the whole situation and in the end I was told my daughter was imaging things or as they put it 'misinterpreting'.

Strangely, and something they don't like me mentioning, when they told the two bullies to stay away from my DD (my DD had no knowledge of this), which they did, she went back to her happy carefree self in an instant, until they started bothering her again.

There's so much more to this than I can put in here. I'm just dreading going back new week, I hate the place. I've seen a completely different side to it. The teacher has 'left' but the support staff are still there and I don't trust any of them now, from the top down because I've realised that it's all based on opinions and they can be biased. Until that year my DD absolutely loved school, LOVED it, then we had a year of hell at home and her crying or pretending to be ill every day. She wants to go back for another try but I wish we could just walk away.

invincible sorry, made the bullies invincible, not invisible

Can you not consider a change of school

Why on earth are you sending her back? Change schools or home educate. Stick up for her. I'm sorry you and your daughter aren't being listened to, but you need to act by removing her now.

who is her new teacher?
Do you know him/her?
One teacher can make a huge difference.

I totally get your disillusionment. But I think I would try to see this as a new start. Go in an meet new teacher soon. Say simply you have had friendship issues with child x and y and would appreciate it if your dd could have a fresh start and not be on same table or same group to allow them all to have a new beginning. That way you have flagged it up, but not made an issues or blamed the other kids.

Sorry you and dd have had to go through this. Is there any chance of changing school? I would at aged 9, 2 years left in happy circumstances is owrth the upheaval.

I want to home educate her till secondary school but she wants to try that school again. That's the only reason we're going back. I don't want to force her into leaving because I think she has to be ready for the change. I was taking it as a course of action but now we're nearly back at school it's starting to fill me with dread. I took her out of last year early because it was so stressful, I think she's forgotten how bad it felt because it's been a while, but I haven't.

I've been in this situation and ended up moving my DD to a new school. I had the "why should we have to move" mentality for a year before I realised things weren't going to change. DD is one million times happier now we've moved schools

I would say a different school would be more attractive to her than home ed. Friendships are important at this age. Is that a possibility?

I did consider changing school but we've moved and I work in the area where her school is now, moving school would put her in a school near where we live so she would have to do before/after school clubs. With all the upset from the situation I didn't feel that being thrown into that situation would help. Plus her esteem was on the floor, I didn't think a new school for longer hours would help that.

I understand your reasons for not wanting to take your daughter out of school, but I think for her sake you should. I know it seems like overriding her wishes but my experience (sadly) is that if nothing has been done so far to protect your daughter, nothing will be. She now has an invisiable label on her which is so wrong and so sad. She needs a fresh start,

When my son was bullied by the child of parents who were particularly friendly with the school staff we removed him (and also for the logistics of the school run) had to remove our other children also. It is something we have never regretted. I am now a foster carer and would not hesitate to do that again.

I wish you and your daughter well. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Plus her esteem was on the floor, I didn't think a new school for longer hours would help that.

actually I think that is a bit backward. her self esteem is on the floor, and staying all day long in a situation which has caused that is not helping.
Being in a new situation where she has no 'reputation' and has freedom to be herself and find new friends etc would help raise her self esteem again, even with the childcare extras.

People are always reluctant to move, but on threads like this I have never seen anyone say they regretted it. On the contrary you see loads of posts where people say they should ahve done it sooner

your daughter was assigned one to one support. Was that full time? Do you have any idea how rare and expensive that is?

In what way was the other child's mother "arse licking" the teacher?

In what way is it a problem if your child is supported professionally by a friend of the other child's mother?

I'm finding this very confused, and clearly incomplete!

Change schools if you want to. Why not? if you are so desparate to?

I think I have to ride it out and wait for the day she says she doesn't want to go to school. I agree that friendships are important at this age but she was isolated for the whole year in school, she's had no friends in school this year because they were her friends and they swiped any new ones away as she got closer to them. Building friendships at school has become alien to us, I wouldn't rely on it.

I've got her in some local clubs to help that situation because I felt she wasn't as included as the others in school because we don't live local now. But these new local (to us) clubs haven't been on over the holidays so the friendship thing hasn't materialised yet as she was only there a few weeks before they closed.

Sadly schools generally prefer to play down any bullying allegations and insist that the measures they take actually resolve it.
Given that school starts next week it is probably worth giving it a go now but be prepared to act swiftly to deal with any incidents and yes, remove her if the school cannot or will not stop it happening.
If it is allowed to continue then your DD may never recover her self esteem although I think you should encourage her to avoid these toxic friends.

Write to the chair of governors with copy to head teacher - teachers don't like governors getting involved with negative issues in school! \i simply cannot believe the teacher asked the other kids to monitor your DD. Don't forget to put that in the letter and that the teacher admitted it AND "she only punches people she likes" -shocking totally shocking. Whatever you decide to do don't let them get away with it.

OP really feel for you and your DD!
A couple of years ago I could have written an almost identical account. We eventually bypassed the teacher and made a formal bullying complaint. Things aren't perfect but are a lot better.
I'd suggest a formal letter to the head detailing all the concerns as significant safeguarding issues ... after all thus is your child's well being they are entrusted with. A meeting should then be arranged but take someone with you. Thus is an emotional issue and you need back up. If they don't work out a plan of action I'm guessing their safeguarding procedures aren't properly in place and I'd report them to the LEA and OFSTED.
You know your DD is very lucky to have a mum fighting her corner. Stay strong and believe in you instincts.

I'm sorry - it sounds really horrid for your DD. Consider all the options including leaving.

My DS had a similar experience in secondary for a whole year it was awful. I lined up another school but happily his teachers at school took it very seriously, helped and supported him and we managed to resolve it. He is now very happy. But I would have moved him if it had carried on - it absolutely hurt him and dented his confidence and I thought it would do lasting damage if it carried on any longer.

I don't know how to tag people in this as I'm new to mumsnet but in response to copperbeech33, no she hasn't been given 1 to 1 support full time. She was given 30 minutes 'talk time' a week with a member of staff to report what was happening in confidence (given that when she reported it in public it was ignored) and to express herself rather than bottling up what was upsetting her in school and subsequently causing anxiety. The support was for her emotional well-being rather than for educational reasons. She has no problems academically. The mother was crawling round the teacher all the time, which is what I meant by arse licking, other parents had used the term 'arse licking' or similar to me. I work, I go to drop DD off and pick her up, I don't pay much attention to what the other parents are doing, that's what I've been told she does. I've also been told that the teacher goes to the parent's restaurant!

"In what way is it a problem if your child is supported professionally by a friend of the other child's mother?"... The head teacher was asking these people's opinions on the situation. I wonder if I had these people round for tea and cake on a regular basis would they feel the same. 'Friends' was probably a wrong term but they are friendly. Either way, impartiality is compromised.

I'm not desperate to change schools, I'm anxious about returning to a school which I feel has failed my daughter. I respect my daughter's opinions and will not force my preferences on her. I don't want to change schools, I would rather home educate.

I'm so sorry, this is a very common thing. My Dm used to be a support teacher in various schools, and what you describe is far more commonplace that it should be.

You have two options - stick it out, see how she goes, and make an appointment with the Head and say you want these girls kept away from her. Full stop.

Otherwise, the answer is to move her. I must say, I think it is soul destroying for a child to go into school every day to face bullying. I took my son out of school when we had problems (not specifically bullying - but he started school refusing) - and like you, the school turned against me. I found once the relationship between us and the school had broken down, there was no coming back. They decided everything wrong was down to my parenting. Funnily enough he settled into his new school beautifully, and is doing really well. I often want to go back to that bloody school and tell them.

I agree with @Teatimeforthesoul and Catrina1234; you have not even begun to exhaust options available to you. In a bullying situation, there is 'usually' one main protagonist. Arrange a meeting with the new teacher, explain the situation and express your need for your daughter to be protected - give deadlines - give else I will statements. For example all schools have a anti-bullying procedure, but all schools can be looked at from an external point of view. You are entitled to report to the school board, the school patrons and on a governmental level. If you can determine the ringleader, you are also fully entitled to engage those parents and ask for mediation. Swapping schools is a major deal, home schooling is running into a corner.

I'm going to try to respond to everyone.

steppemum I felt that she felt a bit awkward about people as when she was building friendships they were being sabotaged, she wasn't very confident about making friends at the time. I hadn't considered her having no reputation with new friends, was just going on her discomfort and lack of confidence.

bigmac4me thank you.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 this school is a much sought after school. They have absolutely downplayed the bullying situation. When I used the word 'bullying' they said they don't like to use that word, I then asked if they thought the girls didn't know what they're doing, because if they don't know and aren't aware of the effect they're having on other people that needs to be addressed the response was "they do know what they're doing"', this was in a face to face meeting so not written. What do you take from that?

Catrina1234 I considered writing to the board of governors but didn't want to blow things out of proportion and make a fuss. The teacher didn't ask the children to monitor her behaviour but mentioned it in passing when i asked why children were going up to her in the playground and telling her to stop doing things she was doing on her own, (which have subsequently been established as nothing wrong and completely allowed to do) and the teacher's response was "that's not the only time time they tell her to stop doing things, they tell her to stop doing..." this and that in class etc it was said as a defence to the other children, like they were right to tell her what to do and the teacher allowed it. Belittling to say the least.

I need to go to bed, I appreciate the responses here and will reply tomorrow. Hopefully I'll learn how to respond directly by then :/

my laptop has a delay as well, might go back to my phone lol

If she's going back op, which btw I agree whole heartedly with- she's been ignored enough, then demand a meeting with Head FIRST day. You won't wait and you don't care if it isn't convenient on busy first day back! Make it clear things will not play out like last year, you want different support staff in place for dd and you want a copy of the bullying policy. Say if things are handled like last year you will take it to the governors without hesitation. I would also write an informal letter detailing exactly what went wrong last year and changed you expect so he can't claim ignorance. You only have to look at the horrific stories in papers to know if your child say they want to hurt themselves you need to go in all guns blazing for want of a better term! Be 'that mum'! Good luck op!

Sorry but Threen i really disagree with that. There are maybe 200 kids in that school, a new intake, probably new staff and the head will need to be dealing with a thousand things so that ALL of them start off the year ok. It will absolutely not help the relationship with the school to stage a sit in in the office in the first day. Bullying policy will be on the website. I would suggest a more measured and productive approach is to ring in the first few days, set up a meeting for the end week and go in with a productive, how do we move forward approach..highlight aspects of the policy and ask specifically how they will be implemented for your dd. Ask for the meeting to minuted and request a copy of agreed outcomes that can then be referred back to if things don't progress well. Keep it on as calm and professional a level as you can and try not to be too sidetrackef by who.is friends with whom.

Also don't be too hung up on it being such a great school - if it's not ok for your dd you are right to place her elsewhere.

You didn't want to make a fuss?

What?

Your daughter was being bullied by the children and let down by the adults and instead of 'making a fuss' you took her out of school and want to HE her? Fgs

If she's back Monday, take her in. Call work, tell them you'll be late. Ask nicely to see the Head, when they say she's busy & you need to make an appointment, say not nicely, but firmly, that it's ok, you'll wait until she's free to see you & sit down. Do not budge or cave in.

Explain that having seen the affect it's had on your DD, you will be taking it to the Governors if it starts again.

If there's more than one class in the year group, get the main culprit (at least) moved not your DD. If there's only one class make sure she's the other side of the room & that the culprit is sitting under the teachers nose.

Get her 'trusted non teacher adult' changed.

Be polite, but firm, that these things will happen or you'll get the BoG involved immediately.

You probably can turn this around, but if you can't, then move schools. Wrap around care is fine. Your DD clearly dies not want to be homeschooled or she would have jumped at the chance. Don't do it. If you do, you will be enforcing the idea that she is the problem (which will be incredibly bad for her).

*I fully support HE/HS but not in this situation.