I'm Dreading School Next Week!

[user1499421397]

I'm dreading school. My 9 year old DD was in a frenemy bullying situation last year at school that, at its worst, resulted in her saying she wants to hurt herself or be dead.

It's a long story but her teacher denigrated her and invalidated her in front of the bullies, or just ignored her when she told her she'd been punched by one of them, which empowered them and made them invisible. She also openly (she told me herself when I was raising concerns) allowed the other children to monitor my DD's behaviour in class. It took me a long time to realise that no one was actually listening to my DD when she was telling them what was going on, including me as I was always thinking that the adults knew best so was trusting them. By the time anyone started listening my DD was already labelled as the problem. She made my daughter a scapegoat.

The short version is that the mother of one of the other kids was arse licking the teacher for the whole year and the staff assigned to 'supporting' my DD were friends of the mother, which I didn't know at the time. When my DD said something had happened it was always "X wouldn't do a thing like that", "X wouldn't have meant anything by it", "we've asked the support staff and they didn't see that" or "your daughter said this happened but X said it didn't" so case closed! My DD was given 1 to 1 support with one of the mother's friends, this time was supposed to be for my DD to express herself about what was happening in school so she was confiding in this person! On one occasion the teacher listened outside then came in and made the most bizarre comment to excuse the child punching her (when she hadn't taken appropriate action) that the kid only punches people she likes!!! The head was going to these 3 people in particular to gather information on the whole situation and in the end I was told my daughter was imaging things or as they put it 'misinterpreting'.

Strangely, and something they don't like me mentioning, when they told the two bullies to stay away from my DD (my DD had no knowledge of this), which they did, she went back to her happy carefree self in an instant, until they started bothering her again.

There's so much more to this than I can put in here. I'm just dreading going back new week, I hate the place. I've seen a completely different side to it. The teacher has 'left' but the support staff are still there and I don't trust any of them now, from the top down because I've realised that it's all based on opinions and they can be biased. Until that year my DD absolutely loved school, LOVED it, then we had a year of hell at home and her crying or pretending to be ill every day. She wants to go back for another try but I wish we could just walk away.

angrybird. Head by any chance?

Yes the Head will be busy. Tough. She can find 15 minutes to sort out a situation where SHE let the OP's child down badly last year, so badly the child was taken out of school.

The OP needs to make it clear, on day one, that it's not going to happen this year.

Your daughter is clinging onto something that isn't there.

Her friendships have changed dynamics, support staff at the school are parents/friends of the children's parents - IT WILL EVER CHANGE!

My son's own school is like this. In fact the entire village. Everyone who works as a TA or other support staff are ex pupils, with families of their own, whose children attend the school etc. Our HT was forced out by 'parent power' at the school - their kids can do no wrong mentality! Luckily my DS is happy (at the moment) but I have had a few run ins myself with staff and PTA members. We are treading a fine line at the moment. I won't hesitate to pull my child from school if I felt he was being bullied, ignored, not believed and become so depressed that he wanted to end his life!!

I am not sure how serious the situation you describe actually is!!!

There is no way my child would attend a school that made him feel ill every morning and wanted to end things.

Move schools. Why are you sending your child back into the lion's den? She's nine. Nine year old memories aren't as good as remembering as ours are!!

I really disagree with you angry bird even though I take your points on board. If they hadn't spent all last year creating this situation op wouldn't be dreading the new school year. She's backed teachers been reasonable they let her down. Fully agree there are 200 other kids and normally I'd be 100% on same page as you but that's her dd and she has to think of her and only her. It sounds like a living hell and 9 year old that wants to hurt themselves? The reasonable approasch would have gone with that for me!

How do you tag people in this?

I had meetings with the head during the last term, I had the school's bullying policy and behaviour policy, both policies had failed my daughter and the head wasn't too impressed when I pointed that out. I don't want any meetings when we go back. I communicated everything in email so we had written records in the end because I realised they would skirt around or even completely ignore things they didn't want to address. I emailed at the end of term to say I didn't want DD to have support from the two who were involved because they were friends with mother of the child. I'd also had a copy of DD's record, those 3 (support & teacher) were on every record written about her. They were writing behaviour reports on my daughter because she wasn't reacting very well to the goading, bullying , intimidating and sniggering/sneering that the girls were doing, that none of these people were seeing because of course, if you're going to punch or pinch someone at school you're going to do it in front of the staff! One of those support staff kept getting my daughter when investigating an incident and insinuating indirectly that my daughter had created hate mail that was found about her herself. They weren't neutral, I'd already got that feeling from them and then I was told by another parent a few days before the end of term that they're 'friends' with the mum and always round her house!

The class teacher had quite a few issues there, this was gossiped to other mums through support staff. They should have changed the teacher in the first term when they sent in other staff to observe her for a week. So our problem was by no means an isolated one. The head teacher told me they have hand over meetings where the teacher informs the new teacher of any issues such as these but I feel that may be more of a disadvantage in this case as the teacher was openly supportive of the other girls and dismissive of my daughters accounts of what was happening. It was to me, in front of my daughter, that she came out one day and said "DD 'thought' this happened but X said it didn't", it became clear that day that she was the reason why the head started saying DD was imagining things, and she was the person who did the hand over with the new teachers so my daughter now comes with information her biased opinion.

I'm not having a meeting with the head, the last time we talked she pretty much admitted how bad the teacher was by assuring me that this year the teachers were everything she wasn't. It's a fresh start and if the problems haven't gone then the bullies will have bullied us out of the school, which is fine by me but the school will be left with bullies who will find another victim. I understand that bullies have their own problems and that them making someone else feel bad is more about their issues than my daughter. My daughter was the most confident girl in the class, they reduced her to a nervous wreck who apparently can't look at someone without thinking they're laughing at her, they also lied about her to teachers and other kids to stop them playing with her. All well established as the safeguarding lead informed me of this herself, they lied to her and the parents of both girls confirmed it was a lie. I have no idea why they would rather ignore those facts and take the word of the teacher and the friends of one of the mothers and not deal with the real problem, the bullies. Who knows? But while they try to deal with the symptoms and the symptoms keep leaving the school (the last kid in the class to change school was someone the puncher used to punch on a regular basis apparently, according to the teacher) they will never solve the problem and some other poor kids will be going through the same.

At the point DD leaves will be the point I inform the governors, the local authority and OFSTED as the school are failing in their care of duty towards all the kids in that class, including the bullies because they obviously have problems and should be the ones have one to one talk time, in my opinion, to find out what it is that makes them want to punch and destroy people.

Just change the school ffs. breakfast club/dinner clubs are a small price to pay to stopping bullying. Your dd is coming into this with a mindset of a victim - you need to overrule her and change her school.

At the point DD leaves will be the point I inform the governors, the local authority and OFSTED as the school are failing

you cannot complain about a school you no longer have a child at.

I am a bit worried about your accounts of last year.

Every adult present seems to be gently telling you your child has been the one in the wrong, much of the time, you were not present, yet beleive every single other person involved, adult or child, was in the wrong, and your own child in the right.

You must see that this is extremely unlikely. There is no vendetta against your child from adults in the school, why would there be?There is no "arse licking" of the teacher - you can't even explain what you mean by that. What form would it take, what affect would it have?

I am worried for your daughter, but what worries me most is your attitude and prejudices, as these are going to harm her future education very badly, where ever that is.

It sounds to me like the school are trying to support her and work with you in many ways, but I don't see much evidence of you supporting the school.

Copperbeech33 I suppose when the safeguarding lead called me and told me that the two girls lied to her to get my daughter in some serious trouble, that she'd called their parents to verify the girls stories and that both parents said the girls had lied, I suppose the safeguarding lead was trying to tell me something gently about my daughter?

No not every adult present seems to be gently telling me anything. 3 adults are involved, 3 adults who spend time with the mother of the main instigator outside of school being schmoozed with free meals at expensive restaurants and afternoon teas. These 3 people are the ones the head teacher goes to for information. These 3 people are not neutral.

We have never had a problem before. These girls are proven liars, my daughter has only ever told the truth and that has been proven every time when other adults, who were neutral, were involved, such as the safeguarding lead. These 3 however have always been on the side of the other girl. Could be a coincidence that they happen to have meals etc but could also not be.

Other adults were involved until these 3 were put on the case to deal with it specifically, a bit unfortunate that it was these 3 in particular. Before they were put in charge of it no one said my daughter was wrong, quite the opposite in fact.

And I did support the school, I trusted that the measures they put in place would resolve the situation and they did for a short time and the change was dramatic. However, once they took their eye off the ball it started again. Then they involved the 3 people.

It's been going on for a year, there's much more to this than I've put in here. Whatever you think they're trying to gently tell me it boils down to this... My daughter has never had a problem at school, she's always had lots of friends and been very popular and very confident. In the last year everything changed. During that time she has had problems with two girls who were her friends, they've punched, pinched and kicked her, lied about her to staff and other children and my daughter gradually turned into an emotional wreck. She displayed 80% of the signs listed on the anti-bullying policy designed to recognise a child who's being bullied. It could all be a coincidence and my child just happened to turn into someone who imagines things when she didn't before, when she had no problems whatsoever before in her life before. Or it could be related.

Everyone else on this thread seems to recognise that this happens. But you clearly think that the problem is my daughter's and is my fault. Thank you for your comments. I'm actually starting to wonder if you are the mother of the other child lol.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall & Threenme, yes I think you're both right. The time had passed where I thought it was a good idea to send her back. In my mind we weren't going back. It's been two months since we were there and we just stopped thinking about it as soon as I took her out, because we needed the stress to stop so we stopped thinking about it. I was surprised when she talked about going back to school, then thought that if she wants to give it another try I'll let her and decided on a half term period to give her a chance to settle before making a final decision. All the home educators in the groups I've joined say that it's better for a child of her age to want to change rather than having it forced on her, as that can create problems in itself.

But as I said, I hadn't thought about it but now it's only a few days away it's all coming back and creating a sinking feeling.

AnnieAnoniMouse I didn't want to kick up a fuss and blow things out of proportion from the outset. It all came to light at Easter really, then measures were put in place and things improved. When it started up again it became a bit of a snowball, nothing happened in one go, it was a series of things which was like putting a puzzle together. Different people who thought things were isolated and none of them communicating with each other. Things got worse when the 3 were put in place specifically to deal with it, that all happened quite fast and I took her out to get her away from it all. In hindsight, I should have involved the governors. I did write to the governors to get a copy of her record and discovered that the chair of governors we're told to write to is no longer the chair of governors at that school so even that was not as simple as it should have been. Everything was up in the air and nothing was simple.

I really appreciate the advice and support you are all giving here.

I'm so angry for you and DD reading this. For the sake of your daughter, follow the school's complaints procedure to the letter and don't let anything get in your way. Let DD know that you are doing this, that you believe her and are fighting these injustices for her because it's completely unacceptable and should be treated as such!
Bullying, especially when adults and institutions are complicit, can change a person's life for the entirety of it.
I'm really hoping that things will be different for your daughter with this fresh start. Best of luck

Thank you Beadieeye

Your daughter is being bullied to the extent she wants to hurt herself or be dead.

Deregister her from school. Find the local home edders and find some friends. Then look at HE full time or applying for a new school. I hear that she wants to go back, but it is worth the risk on her mental health?

Op , I have every sympathy with you as I know that this sadly can happen at schools, and an ineffectual teacher and head can create a truly crap situation.

But I am going to go right back to my first post and say, this year is a new teacher, a new beginning. If the issue really is those 3 interrelated adults, then it will stop now that the one teacher has left and the other support staff will not be the ones in charge of your dd.

I would ask to se teacher asap, and simply say your dd had trouble with x and y last year, and in order to give them all a fresh start please could she/he ensure that she isn't sittign next to or in the same groups as x or y.

The class teacher can make all the difference. One decent teacher can change the whole atmosphere in a room. A good teacher can make it so the bullies are suddenly on the outside and they have to change or get into trouble. You have said last year's teacher was bad, and in that situation bullies flourish. If your dd had no trouble before and has a good teacher this year it is certainly possible for a very different year to unfold.

Give it a chance, but at the first sign or trouble, you need to fight for your dd.
Your statement about complaining once she leaves really doesn't make sense. As soon as their is an issue, stand up for dd, ask to see head, quote her policies back at her and minute in writing every meeting.
If there is a second occurrence, put in an official complaint to the governors. Copy in all correspondence and say there was a bullying issue last year, it was not sorted, and it is occurring again. Their policy should include a definition of bullying (something along the lines of repeated hurtful behaviour) quote this definition back at the school and go through the policy highlighting where they are letting your dd down. Don't focus on the other kids, the focus must be on how they are keeping your dd safe. eg if someone has to stay in at playtime to keep her safe from the bullies, then it has to be the bullies, not her.

Hope it goes well OP, and your daughter as a better year, but at times we need to make the decision for our kids, and if it isn't going well again even after complaining, then be the adult, make the decision and switch schools.

I agree steppemum with everything you've said and I suppose that's why I've agreed to her trying the new year with the new teachers. They've actually been given two teachers who are very experienced and from what I've read that's usually a good thing.

I do think a good teacher makes the world of difference and part of me hopes this can be turned around and get back to the way things were before that year. I'd just forgotten how bad everything felt until the last few days. My daughter has been her happy self since I took her out, no negative feelings or anxiety about anything at all, the same as she was before things changed at school. We'd sort of put it behind us. She seems to be happy about going back now and is basing that on her faith in the new teachers.

The complaining once we've left is more about writing to inform the LEA of why we left, that we tried to deal with it in house but it didn't solve the problem. I would need to let them know if we're home educating anyway so thought I'd cover it all at the same time.

notanotherNC no her mental health is not worth putting at risk. I've decided that sticking it out for 6 weeks is probably a mistake. I'll take her out straight away if I see any negative changes. We'll try home educating and if it doesn't suit her we'll look for a local school. She doesn't want to HE because she thinks the work will be harder, she sees a tutor for maths and I said she would do English with her too. She's having some trouble equating the time with the tutor and homework with the time she does maths in school mainly because the tutor has taken her beyond year 4 work so she feels school work is easier lol. She doesn't realise that she'll be doing the same work this year at school. This is a lot to do with her seeing the tutor over the summer which she feels was unfair as it's the holidays.

I would take my child out, because at this age she won't know what's best for her, only what she thinks she wants to do.
Complain in writing to the governors, LA and Ofsted, certainly don't let them get away with it.

Have you made a decision about going back to the school or going elsewhere?

As I previously stated I have had to take children out of school or change schools because of bullying - well really not the bullying itself, but the school's inability to deal with it. I have never regretted it. Nor have my children now adult. Because of the logistics of getting them to school and living inn a very rural area, when one child changed schools the others had to also. That may seem unfair but I would not want any of my children to be at a school that allowed bullying to continue, even if they were not directly the victims. My children are all now adult and were all so happy we did move them, even though some did not want it at the time. As parents we often have to make decisions against what our children feel they want, we have to consider the bigger picture sometimes and do what WE think is right.

I am now a foster carer, and believe me looked after children can have terrible times in school, sometimes as the victim, sometimes as the bully. I now do not have the luxury of being able to remove the children from a school, and sometimes social services are only concerned with the paperwork. So I have seen foster children having to remain in a school that was not meeting their needs or failing to protect them, and what they have been through during that time stays with them into adulthood too. Even if the direct bullying itself eases off there always seems to be an after effect on the children, and in my limited experience the children never really trust or enjoy school in the way they should.

I wish as a foster carer I could march into the headteacher's office, take the child by the hand and say "we're leaving". Looking back my own children remember that happening to them, and are very grateful to us for making that decision even if at the time they said they did not want to change schools. They all thrived in their new schools btw.

Also having foster children as the bully, I also know very little is done for them either. Oh there may be token attempts but nothing that made a long term difference to them. In my opinion many schools fail the victim AND the bully.

I feel for you, OP, but at the first sign of trouble this year I'd be marching into the office and say "we're leaving" - actually I'd have done it last year but understand why you tried your best and gave the school another chance. Good luck.

Thanks bigmac, I agree with everything you've said. And of course I worry about the long term effects this will have on my daughter, she could either adopt a victim mentality or become a bully herself.

Bangingmyhead... She's gone back today in high spirits and feeling positive about everything. I will be keeping a very close eye on everything and will pull her out, against her wishes if I have to, if things start to deteriorate at all. There is no way I'd let things snowball like they did before, I've never experienced anything like that before (I have a 20 year old son) so it was a learning process for us and it took a long time to grasp what was going on. The long break from school made me realise how stressed we really were whilst tangled up in the middle of it.

We will not be going through that again.