I honestly feel like the worst parent on earth

[theworstparentonearth]

I just screamed horribly at my 4 year old.
She ripped all of her neatly folded clothes out of her draws for the third time and I just lost it.

Her and her sister 2 did it together, but I only shouted at her cause I feel like dd2 doesn't understand. But I was horrible.

I never thought I had this kind of anger in me, especially towards a 4 year old.

I feel she must feel it's really unfair that her sister gets away with it while she receives this and honestly I was horrible.

I've calmed down, cried, woke her up and hugged her but I can't even describe how upset I was, it was actually scary. I'm not the shouting kind which is probably why this sounds a little over dramatic.

I'm not looking for anger, think I'm just looking for forgiveness as I've never doubted myself this much as a parent

I did very similar last week. DD1 hid behind her bed(DD2 was mostly oblivious). I felt terrible. It's like I was channeling my father. I am terrified that that is what she will remember and not all the other wonderful times.

But we move on. You will do better tomorrow. Just explain to her tomorrow how wrong you were and that everyone is wrong sometimes. Apologise and move on.

it is upsetting when you lose it and shout but it happens, they push you and sometimes it just happens, I do it and I hate myself after, always makes me feel horrible but as long as there is plenty of love and kindness the rest of the time then things will be fine! Kids are hard work, don't doubt yourself, i'm sure you are doing a great job xx

Sounds like you are having a tough time of it for some reason other than unfolded clothes. You don't have to be perfect, you are only human, and you said sorry.

So sorry this has happened, It sounds like you have scared yourself? Should I say, it seems late for young children to be up? But really you have apologised and regret it so are likely to try hard not to repeat it. It's a tough job, this parenting lark none of us are perfect. Be kind to yourself and tomorrow is another day. Plan something nice for you all

It's a horrible feeling, I've done it myself.

You.are.normal.

Sometimes we all snap. It doesn't make it right, but it happens. The fact that this is so rare and that you're so this upset about it, makes me think you're a great parent .

It will probably make you think twice next time you're pushed to the edge too.

Getting them to go sleep now that DD2 has moved on to a big bed is hard.
They spend hours messing around before they crash out.
I love them with all my heart, but if you would have heard me you wouldn't have thought so.
They rip their clothes out and pull the mattress off of the bed. My oldest unplugs the video camera that I watch them on and will pull the blinds off or just throw everything around her room.
Everything gets destroyed each night, and I don't know why tonight I just had enough.

You sound like a saint! Multiple nights of total destruction and you've only just lost it?

Do you have any support? Any strategies for breaking this cycle?

We've all been there...my goodness it can be relentless with young children.

Yes shouting isn't productive but you are only human and humans do make mistakes.

Learn what triggers you and think of coping strategies so that you are less likely to do it again.

I promise you will probably shout again but parenting is sometimes maddening , when I've shouted at my kids I've apologised and explained that I struggled to hold my temper and it's not right/ useful to shout (never blaming them that I didn't hold my temper). I think it models good communication that you can admit when you've made a mistake.

I tried the calm and reward approach, it got me no where, I tried the time outs and taking a toy, it didn't work. After shouting they both instantly went to sleep and I can see how easy it would be to fall into a pattern of shouting to get results but I do feel so bad. Thank you for all your kind comments, I do feel a lot better and less alone

I think I might be considering nuclear options. Putting one to bed elsewhere and then transferring them into their own bed?

Do they go to bed at the same time? Could you sit there on the landing with the door open till they go to sleep? It'll take ages the first time but you could MN while you're there.

Ive done this too. You're human and no matter how much you love them, dc can be a nightmare and really push all thr buttons. Be kind to yourself. So long as this isnt a regular thing I doubt she'd remember it. Just explain in the morning why theres a difference in how you dealt with them both and give her a big hug after she says sorry

Ah I've done it! - I don't have children, but have done it with my sister. I look after her, she's much younger than me and she's quite 'high needs' - Other people wont look after her because she's quite difficult. She has bundles of energy, constantly talking, no awareness of danger etc. She's a teen, but sometimes it can feel like looking after a toddler. She does have SEN though.

Once, I bent down to tie my shoelace, stood up and she had bolted across a main road because she dropped her ball - It was terrifying. I told her off and all she said was 'but I love my ball and didn't want it to get run over' - I understand it now, but lost it at the time.

I always feel dreadful, say sorry, give hugs and she explains why she did what she did and I explain why I shouted but I shouldn't have.

Children can be really tough, look after yourself, i'm sure you're doing a great job

We all lose it every now and then. Your kids will still love you. And this probably won't be the last time you lose it to be honest, wait until they are teenagers.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Just move onto tomorrow and carry on doing your best. Which is enough.

My youngest refuses to sleep without my oldest there, she just screams at the gate.
So I put them both up at 7 instead of my oldest's old bedtime of half 7 before youngest moved out of her cot.
So maybe that's what I should work on, getting the youngest to sleep alone, then hopefully without her partner in crime awake, and a later bed time, my oldest will settle.
It feels nice having a plan, nights have turned into the worst time of day lately when they used to be my relax time.
Thank you all!

Totally trashing your room every night is totally unacceptable behaviour in a 4 year old and highly undesirable in a 2 year old. I know loosing it is horrible but maybe you do need to draw a firm line here. Kids really do like to know where their boundaries lie.

It's a warning sign though, that things are getting out of hand. I've got really cross before and that's the time to admit, I'm not coping with this, I need more x or y, or more help, and I need to find another strategy or be more consistent on the kids behaviour.

Now it's the evening can you take stock and work out how to get things more manageable? One step at a time?

My twins were doing this and I was getting far too angry with them. I've put the sides back on the cots and am trying really hard to work on bedtimes whilst they're contained in the hope that they'll carry that forward to when they're not contained.

No advice, just buckets of sympathy.

My friend had 4-year old twins and after her divorce moved into her own place, bought furniture etc. Twins would routinely use colour crayons all over her new stuff which really upset her and no amount of getting cross or explaining would stop them doing it. I suggested she get one of their pictures that they had drawn for her and the next time they did it, just get the picture and scribble all over it. She did, child was soooo upset and she explained, "this is how I feel when you scribble on the table legs. How about we both stop doing the scribbling". They agreed and the naughty scribbling stopped immediately.

So, suggest you find something that they value and then mess it up and explain that this is how you feel. Only by experiencing the annoyance and anger themselves might they feel empathy towards how you feel when they much up their tidy room.

I think I would go mad too if my two trashed their room. Do you stay in with them until they are asleep or leave them to it? I would take 2yo up to bed. Sit with her until asleep, then take 4yo and sit with her too. After they have got into this routine, gradually retreat to a chair, then the landing.
It all sounds a bit dangerous too. What if they pull the dresser over?
Perhaps make sure they are thoroughly worn out from lots of exercise in the day too.

No worry, just look at news articles over the last ten years you'll find much worse, Shannon Matthews for example.

On a serious note be kind to your self. We are not robots. I have a 2 and a a 6 year old. They are generally very good kids but they have their moments. I have snapped in the past at them and I am a very laid back person. I think most parents has at some stage. Discipline is very important and started earlier the better in my experience, as soon as they get to that age where they start testing the boundaries. Solid predictable bedtime routine I find is a top tool. Persistence and not surrendering to child terrorism. With my first child we spent weeks of her getting out of bed, screaming at the gates etc. We just kept calmly kept picking her up and putting into bed without looking at her or acknowledging her. Eventually our resolve won an bed time were a breeze. Are the children loved and was anyone hurt? If you answered yes and the no all is good.

Its understandable but not desirable to totally lose it. As you recognised. I sympathise its not a good feeling at all.

Properly say sorry in the morning and then talk about it and explain - when its not bedtime and you are calm why it must not carry on and what the consequences will be - take away a toy or a privilege and then hold the line in a calm way. If you feel like you're tipping over and losing it literally walk away and take a timeout.

I agree with separate supervised calm bedtimes for each - bath, story, milk - whatever is a good wind down and calming process. And stick around till 2yr old is settled. Then maybe do 4 yr olds routine in a different room, your bedroom maybe for her calm story routine etc and maybe treat her a little differently - as the more grown up one who Mummy needs to be her little helper etc.

Good luck...WE've all lost it - we are human beings afterall but move on to a better place. I hope they improve and you get a break from the cycle.

Poor you, it does sound like a nightmare and it's not surprising you snapped.

I would divide and conquer for a few weeks at least. Put the lightest child to bed in your bed, and get to sleep, put the 4 year old in her own bed with star chart/bribes/incentives as you see fit (or the Supernanny 'it's nighttime' no eye contact, just keep returning technique which is very firm but fair and calm for night I think) and then get her to sleep, them move the younger one into that room (or even leave her in the other room in her own bed/shared with you if you are on your own).

You can't go on with them both trashing everything night after night and it sounds like they are winding each other up and egging each other on, so you do need to break the pattern.

It's also not worth putting them both to bed at 7 for several hours of bouncing about ending with screaming at 11pm. Better to get one dealt with early and the other in bed 9 onwards than this palava! Sounds like a plan. Don't beat yourself up about tonight, just plan how you can change things tomorrow to make it easier on yourself (and them, it can't be that nice for everyone to be so tired).

Do you usually do all bedtimes solo? Obviously if you have no other support then you have to get in with it, but if you have a DP to help then a two-person bedtime is much calmer.

Divide & conquer definitely sounds like a plan - I'd go all out bribery on the 4 year old of 20 minutes on the iPad while little sis is put to bed, then extra special mum & DD1 story time.

Two year olds are tough at bedtime. It'll get better!