Very long but OMG I need help

[Anoah]

Arghhhhh.

I really really need some advice. Basically DH and his asshole free-loading younger brother are making my life a living hell in my own home. I work a very stressful job, I have 3 children under the age of 6. My 6 year old DS is autistic. I am 3000 miles from home and have no family or friends in the UK which is DH's home country. I want to hop on a plane and take my kids back to the USA.

There is a high paying job with top notch private medical care paid for by my employer, a beautiful house and a warm, loving extended family waiting there for me. But if I hop on a plane and take my babies out of the country without Dh's permission it is kidnapping. I will go to jail. So basically I am stuck. It is very hard to get your children out of the country if their father doesn't want you too. I don't want to take the kids away from their dad but I sure as hell cannot stay in this situation any longer. This has become a hell house.

I really need to know if I am being unreasonable and if any of you have any advice.

My DH has always been a dickhead but it has got a lot worse since his mum died two years ago. My brother feels very responsible for his younger brother now that their mum is gone. BILFH (brother in law from hell) is 24 years old and 15 years younger than DH. When MIL was dying of cancer brother in law was age 21. He lived in her house and refused to help her or work very often because he "didn't want too". Two weeks before she died she could hardly feed herself yet she was trying to iron's BILFH's clothes and tidy his room. I really hate the little bastard. DH thought it would be "unreasonable" of me to tell him off. I blamed MIL for being a doormat and kept my mouth shut.

In February 2006, after working very hard and saving every penny, DH and I bought a lovely 4 bedroom house. The WEEK we moved in to this house so did BILFH. I protested, I said no way can he move in. DH and BILFH ignored me. They moved BILFH into bedroom 4. Then they packed bedroom 3 full of BILFH's and DH's junk. My two young children (different sexes) were crammed into bedroom 2 and myself and DH and 18 month old baby shared bedroom one. I worked very hard for this house so we could have some space. Now I am sharing a bedroom with an 18 month old and I am pissed off. I also lost the cellar that I had planned to turn into a utility room, gym and storage area to BILFH's belongings.

I told BILFH that I didn't want him here, even if he was paying rent for his room. He said that he is staying as long as DH says he can. BILFH also said that it would be stupid for him to rent a flat and pay out for that when he could crash at my house for less money. He and his fat ass whore girlfriend are trying to save up to buy a house and didn't want to pay out for rent ona flat.

BILFH doesn't work very much and was (on a daily basis) bring really strange lads into my house, trampling mud up the stairs and just generally freaking me out. I asked DH and BILFH to put a stop to these strange men being brought into my home around my kids. DH said "No" and "fuck off" and BILFH said he can do what he wants. DH was kind enough to remind me that BILFH has "rights" as a tenant and can bring whomever he wants into the house whenever whether I like it or not. Ummm. Okay. Do I have any fucking rights as a homeowner who is working her ass off to pay the mortgage? Apparantly not.

BILFH refused to help out with any housework, including cleaning his own room, or help out with the kids. He would use every dish of mine and leave them up in his room filthy. Maybe after about a month he would bring the pile down and do a half ass job of washing them.

BILFH's girlfriend FAW (fat ass whore ) stayed over every night (she has a rented room of her own across town), made a fucking mess, ate my food, and refused to help out around the house. When I complained to DH he again reminded me about BILFH's right's as a tenant. BILFH has the right to bring people in the house if he is paying for the room. Asshole.

Well let's see now where did this all go? Living in a foreign country, having 3 young children (one autistic), and working a very stressful job where I swich between days and nights and work 15 hour shifts with life and death responsibility, and having no family support this side of the Atlantic started to get to me. This combined with strange lads being brought into the house, having no privacy in my own home and the house being a disgrace because of all the mud getting tracked in really got me down. DH and BILFH told me that if I am feeling upset it is because I am crazy and can't cope as a mother.

At this point I was begging DH to kick BILFH out on a daily basis. BILFH knew this but refused to go until he got around to buying a house when it is convienent for him.

So I decided to go on strike. I stopped doing the housework except for necessary things to keep the kids safe. I started smoking cigarettes more. I started yelling and swearing at DH and BILFH a lot.

After a year in March 2007 BILFH got sick of me swearing at him and went to live with girlfriend FAW. The day after BILFH moved out, BILFH and FAW phoned social services and told them that I curse in front of the kids, that I ignore my children to smoke cigarettes, and that the house is a tip. The house was a tip at that time but the rest is bullshit.

I did NOT get into any trouble with social services because basically they could tell that BILFH is an asshole. They had to come out anyway though. My kids were clean and happy and so was the house. My kids have never been injured or been to A&E. Anyway, there was no sign that I was doing anything wrong as a mother and it was obvious to them that BILFH was just being a dick. He recorded me on his phone shouting at him to "prove" to social services that I am "unstable". Social services basically told him to fuck off. LOL.

That was nice but here is my problem. BILFH may have left but all of his belongings are still here taking up space and he is refusing to move them. He does not have anywhere to put them and doesn't want to pay for a flat or a storage unit somewhere. There is no room at FAW's. DH is refusing to make BILFH move his stuff out. They have told me that if I try to get that stuff moved or touch any of BILFH's belongings they will call the cops for damaging BILFH's property.

Oh yeah and if I try to leave, or take the kids anywhere or try and throw DH out as well the 3 of them will call social services and tell them that I am an unfit mother. I am not really worried about that since it's not true but still.....it's their word against mine. The 3 of them. DH will fight for custody of the kids and will do everything in his power to show that I am an "unfit" mother. I am a foreigner here and he is British so I imagine that the law would be on his side?

They emotionally abused their own mother it's not surprising that I am having to take this kind of shit now.

Am I being unreasonable to get this upset?

What can I do?

Help.

Rant over.

I second every advice given here. Think they are all very useful so unfortunately I have nothing much to add here, except to say that you are definitely not being unreasonable. Your H and BILFH would have driven me to insanity and desperation by now, and I am appalled by how much your H has sided his bro over you. His lack of loyalty is very sad.
I really wish you all the best.

you need a very very very good lawyer who can go to court and lay out the plans - you going back with the kids to america and why it will be better for them -

you will be happier
more financially secure
more family support
etc

plus a plan for access - schedule of regular visits, webcam, phone calls - including an offer by you to pay for the fathers flights - if you will be earning a huge salary and you can afford this it looks like a HUGE gesture on your part and stops him being able to say shes taking my kids away i wont be able to afford to see them....

if your lawyer puts forward a really good case about how good it will be for the children and you and how much effort you will put in to ensure regular access then a court might go for it and how intolerable your current situation is.

i have certainly heard of courts giving permission for children to leave the country. you do need to see a specialist solicitor, come up with every possible objection and an answer to it.

I think you need to do one thing at a time, and definitively you can not hop in a plane with the children, at least not yet. It seems to me this is going to be a waiting game where you will need to excersise a lot of patience in order to get what you want.

I would start with a visit to the CAb to know your rights over the house and the position you are in if you decide to divorce.

Concentrate in the important things, if divorce is the one, forget about the BILs baggage and concentrate on this, do NOT even mention about taking the children away, you will lose that battle. Concentrate in keeping the act together and getting custody. Keep things nice for him even if you are feeling like running away, the more civil you are in handling the things before the divorce the most likely it is that you end up with what you want most.

Another idea would be to behave nicely for a while, be lovely beyond belief and convince him to go back to the US with you. Who knows, having BIL thousands of miles away may help the problem and if not... you would be in the best place to start a divorce process, near your family and with the children in the place you want them to be.

I am so sorry to read your message. My only advice would be if you can afford it, find the best lawyer you can because you need to start building your case and understanding your options straight away.

One final thought though, and this may be completely off base, but can you get any advice on what your rights would be if you were in the US from the US embassy?

One final point, I have known men in the past whose children have lived in another country, and this as part of the divorce settlement. You dont kow your situation until you get some good advice, try and get the best you can afford.

Good luck

i think it could seriously help you if you could go to your local housing office in tears and tell them of the abuse and tell them that you absolutley cannot go home as you have took so much courage to get to that stage already.

they will try to make you go home

there are no houses for you to go to.

they dont want you on the housing list.

they absolutley dont.

they will tell you the law regarding staying in your home and getting your husband out.

they will help you keep your home.

at this point the housing know he has been abusive

you may spend some time in a womens refuge - whilst the legalities are eing sorted out.

you can file for divorce
an injunction

and then at a later date should he think of taking legal action against you there will be a traceable history of everything that happened.

i think at this point asking a court to look favourably on you returning to your country of origin where you have support would be looked on more favourably considering the abuse.

listen lady if you want out - pour it on - in spades.

dont play fair.

I have not advice, just want to wish you good luck. You've been so patient and long suffering. I hope it all works out in your favour and these bastards get what they deserve.

Quick question apologies if I'm repeating as I have only skimmed the thread. Are you an American Citizen still - are your children dual nationality?

If you are, ring the Embassy. Get advice both legal and immigration advice. Your h is abusive and your children need a far more stable upbringing. I'm sure the Embassy will be able to assist with re-patriation legally.

If all else fails get your H drunk and get him to sign the document permitting travel. Good luck, but get advice now.

when you send BILFH the next (and final) letter that you are putting his stuff on the kerb, send it recorded so he can't pretend he didn't receive it.

and get legal advice. i think you will have to resign yourself in the long term to raising your kids here in the UK as it sounds the your (d)h will do all he can to stop you from taking them to the US out of sheer spite. it will be a waste of money on solicitors to fight him on this ground.

but you need to put all your rubbish to the kerb.

and custy is right too. like always.

oh and photocopy the letter before you send it too!

The issue is, though, ali, is that the children's father is British.

The children were born in the UK to an American mother married to a British man.

The children are therefore also British nationals.

The US Embassy must and will consider this, because they must honour the agreements they have made with the British government regarding Anglo-American children.

Not so cut and dry as a situation, unfortunately.

Even if the spouse does give permission for travel, this is not the same as permission for them to leave permanently.

Any protest he made in a British court regarding custody and removal of his children would be honoured by a similar American one.

Special arrangements have been made between the US and the UK regarding child custody issues.

I hope you are away today getting some sound legal advice.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

'i think you will have to resign yourself in the long term to raising your kids here in the UK as it sounds the your (d)h will do all he can to stop you from taking them to the US out of sheer spite. it will be a waste of money on solicitors to fight him on this ground. '

I would agree here. Because if your husband truly wishes this, it is definitely within his power to put up some very serious obstacles to your childrens' departure.

I'd love to know what happened since your situation is so similar to my own, Anoah.

I don't think you need resign yourself to staying here at all. Your dh can of course challenge you leaving with the dcs through the courts but the court will look at what is in the best interests of the children. On the face of it you have a strong case in that you can give the children a good stable life in your home country and that you their mother will be much happeir and well supported there. You need to be seen to have really thought how you would promote and encourage the children's relationship with their father by, for example offeriing to help with return flights for him so many times a year, computer contact etc etc.

Get legal advice with a specialised family solicitor. Good luck

I know it is possible for courts to grant permission to one parent to take the children to reside in another country. The first thing you need to do is consult a lawyer regarding divorce proceedings. You cannot evict H from the house but you should be able to force a sale or buy him out. Once you have sold the house or bought it from him you can start making plans to take the DCs home. However, firstly, get divorced and get him out. Don't leave yourself, bad idea.

Does your H work? Who is the primary carer of the DCs? You need to make sure you are from now on. Reduce your hours, or at least make sure it's you who picks them up from childcare, organises their lives, makes their dinners, puts them to bed as much as possible. I work full time and DH part time but I'm still the primary carer and will make sure it's always that way (I worked out I'm actually with DS more of his waking hours and do all bedtimes and breakfasts, out of choice, but that makes me his primary carer)DH and I are not likely to split but if we were to, I would not want me working f/t to count against me.

Get divorced, get residence of the DCs. That will remove a huge weight anyway, not to have your shitty freeloading H dragging you down. Then you can start thinking about moving home.

This thread is three years old.

I wonder whether Anoah is still on mumsnet?

Was going to reply but as the thread is three years old I hope the OP got everything sorted out.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr AAArrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????????????????????????

NATURALREDHEAD

Start a new thread if you need advice.