Very long but OMG I need help

[Anoah]

Arghhhhh.

I really really need some advice. Basically DH and his asshole free-loading younger brother are making my life a living hell in my own home. I work a very stressful job, I have 3 children under the age of 6. My 6 year old DS is autistic. I am 3000 miles from home and have no family or friends in the UK which is DH's home country. I want to hop on a plane and take my kids back to the USA.

There is a high paying job with top notch private medical care paid for by my employer, a beautiful house and a warm, loving extended family waiting there for me. But if I hop on a plane and take my babies out of the country without Dh's permission it is kidnapping. I will go to jail. So basically I am stuck. It is very hard to get your children out of the country if their father doesn't want you too. I don't want to take the kids away from their dad but I sure as hell cannot stay in this situation any longer. This has become a hell house.

I really need to know if I am being unreasonable and if any of you have any advice.

My DH has always been a dickhead but it has got a lot worse since his mum died two years ago. My brother feels very responsible for his younger brother now that their mum is gone. BILFH (brother in law from hell) is 24 years old and 15 years younger than DH. When MIL was dying of cancer brother in law was age 21. He lived in her house and refused to help her or work very often because he "didn't want too". Two weeks before she died she could hardly feed herself yet she was trying to iron's BILFH's clothes and tidy his room. I really hate the little bastard. DH thought it would be "unreasonable" of me to tell him off. I blamed MIL for being a doormat and kept my mouth shut.

In February 2006, after working very hard and saving every penny, DH and I bought a lovely 4 bedroom house. The WEEK we moved in to this house so did BILFH. I protested, I said no way can he move in. DH and BILFH ignored me. They moved BILFH into bedroom 4. Then they packed bedroom 3 full of BILFH's and DH's junk. My two young children (different sexes) were crammed into bedroom 2 and myself and DH and 18 month old baby shared bedroom one. I worked very hard for this house so we could have some space. Now I am sharing a bedroom with an 18 month old and I am pissed off. I also lost the cellar that I had planned to turn into a utility room, gym and storage area to BILFH's belongings.

I told BILFH that I didn't want him here, even if he was paying rent for his room. He said that he is staying as long as DH says he can. BILFH also said that it would be stupid for him to rent a flat and pay out for that when he could crash at my house for less money. He and his fat ass whore girlfriend are trying to save up to buy a house and didn't want to pay out for rent ona flat.

BILFH doesn't work very much and was (on a daily basis) bring really strange lads into my house, trampling mud up the stairs and just generally freaking me out. I asked DH and BILFH to put a stop to these strange men being brought into my home around my kids. DH said "No" and "fuck off" and BILFH said he can do what he wants. DH was kind enough to remind me that BILFH has "rights" as a tenant and can bring whomever he wants into the house whenever whether I like it or not. Ummm. Okay. Do I have any fucking rights as a homeowner who is working her ass off to pay the mortgage? Apparantly not.

BILFH refused to help out with any housework, including cleaning his own room, or help out with the kids. He would use every dish of mine and leave them up in his room filthy. Maybe after about a month he would bring the pile down and do a half ass job of washing them.

BILFH's girlfriend FAW (fat ass whore ) stayed over every night (she has a rented room of her own across town), made a fucking mess, ate my food, and refused to help out around the house. When I complained to DH he again reminded me about BILFH's right's as a tenant. BILFH has the right to bring people in the house if he is paying for the room. Asshole.

Well let's see now where did this all go? Living in a foreign country, having 3 young children (one autistic), and working a very stressful job where I swich between days and nights and work 15 hour shifts with life and death responsibility, and having no family support this side of the Atlantic started to get to me. This combined with strange lads being brought into the house, having no privacy in my own home and the house being a disgrace because of all the mud getting tracked in really got me down. DH and BILFH told me that if I am feeling upset it is because I am crazy and can't cope as a mother.

At this point I was begging DH to kick BILFH out on a daily basis. BILFH knew this but refused to go until he got around to buying a house when it is convienent for him.

So I decided to go on strike. I stopped doing the housework except for necessary things to keep the kids safe. I started smoking cigarettes more. I started yelling and swearing at DH and BILFH a lot.

After a year in March 2007 BILFH got sick of me swearing at him and went to live with girlfriend FAW. The day after BILFH moved out, BILFH and FAW phoned social services and told them that I curse in front of the kids, that I ignore my children to smoke cigarettes, and that the house is a tip. The house was a tip at that time but the rest is bullshit.

I did NOT get into any trouble with social services because basically they could tell that BILFH is an asshole. They had to come out anyway though. My kids were clean and happy and so was the house. My kids have never been injured or been to A&E. Anyway, there was no sign that I was doing anything wrong as a mother and it was obvious to them that BILFH was just being a dick. He recorded me on his phone shouting at him to "prove" to social services that I am "unstable". Social services basically told him to fuck off. LOL.

That was nice but here is my problem. BILFH may have left but all of his belongings are still here taking up space and he is refusing to move them. He does not have anywhere to put them and doesn't want to pay for a flat or a storage unit somewhere. There is no room at FAW's. DH is refusing to make BILFH move his stuff out. They have told me that if I try to get that stuff moved or touch any of BILFH's belongings they will call the cops for damaging BILFH's property.

Oh yeah and if I try to leave, or take the kids anywhere or try and throw DH out as well the 3 of them will call social services and tell them that I am an unfit mother. I am not really worried about that since it's not true but still.....it's their word against mine. The 3 of them. DH will fight for custody of the kids and will do everything in his power to show that I am an "unfit" mother. I am a foreigner here and he is British so I imagine that the law would be on his side?

They emotionally abused their own mother it's not surprising that I am having to take this kind of shit now.

Am I being unreasonable to get this upset?

What can I do?

Help.

Rant over.

Get proper legal advice before you do anything. If you take the children without permission, I guess it might count against you in any divorce/custody proceedings. I'm not a family lawyer, so don't know, but you need to make sure you make properly informed choices.

A solicitor (who specializesin family law) actually told me that if I take the kids back to the US without going through a lengthy (years and years) court process that I will be spending a long time in prison. I either need DH's permission or a court order to take them home.

I don't know who to cope on my own with the kids here. If I had my mom here to look after them while I work I could probably do it. I work two or three 15 hour shifts a week. Sometimes days and sometimes nights. The hours I work are completely incompatible with child care availability. I wonder if my manager would let me switch to more child friendly hours? They have refused to do this for nurses in the past but I can try surely?

From what I remember from my housing law, your BIL would have been classed as tenant but as a lodger and therefore never had any tenancy rights. You are within your rights to give 72hrs notice bag his stuff up and dump it. However, with all the other stuff going on it may well inflame your marital situation. Get down CAB ASAP.

I think you need to get rid of your dh as in divorce him whatever you end up doing in the long-term. Once you have got that out of the way, you can think about UK/US. I vaguely remember that my SIL had to get her exh's permission to take her children to Scotland though so not sure whether even divorcing him and getting custody would enable you to go to USA.

Get a second opinion - and one from a US lawyer... it surely can't be that absolute - even if you have to term it a temporary re-location to the US?

I agree with mumpbump not to do anything rash before you know exactly where you stand. I know you said that the house is in joint names - do you pay equal amounts of the mortgage? What happens to the rent from BILFH - does it go towards the mortgage?

I don't mean for you to put your financial details on here, but just thinking that if you are paying more or he is keeping rent etc then to get copies of statements etc before you say anything and hide them so you have them to show as gorunds for going to court/divorce/settlements etc.

Do not run without taking legal advice. It could seriously harm your case later, and would be used against you at every opportunity (BILFH has already tried to mark you down as 'unstable' - this would add to his ammo)

You really need to get advice from a family lawyer. Can you take some leave from work to give yourself a break? for you

Book a flight to the states. Leave DH a note saying that you're taking them on holiday for a couple of weeks and when you return (you, not kids), if nothing has changed then that's it. Before all this, get legal advice. Would anyone from your family be able to come over, just for moral support. I know it's a lot of money but I'm sure they'd be on the first plane if you asked.

Speak to social services first and explain everything to them.

If the house is in both your names, then you will both need to agree to the sale and sign any papers, so you can't flog it without him knowing...

I agree with soapbox, you need to remain within the letter of the law so that your h (d is not appropriate imo) has nothing that he can use against you.

With regard to your dh?s threats of what he will do if you leave, these are empty threats. You cannot be forced to stay with a man who is emotionally and physically abusive towards you.

Would you consider leaving and going into a refuge? It sounds to me as if he may come after you if you simply left to go and live in another house/flat, and if you went to a refuge, you and your children would be safe until you could get proper advice. Also, I believe social services would also become involved then, and that way you would be one step ahead of your h, as ss would already be aware of your situation if your h decided to carry out his threats.

With regard to BILFH?s belongings, if you?re moving out then it doesn?t have to be your problem. Let your dh deal with them, and deal with them he will have to when you file for divorce and put the house on the market.

Yes you are right about not being able to take the children out of the country. I found

this

Online ?When both parents have '
parental responsibility',
neither parent can take a child out of England and Wales or Scotland without the permission of the other parent or the leave of the court. Without such
permission or leave, that parent will be committing an act of child abduction. If there's a serious risk of kidnap, the port alert scheme can be initiated
by the police to watch likely emigration points. Contact the police or a solicitor for further advice.

The jurisdictions of England and Wales and Scotland are signatories to the International Hague Convention on child abduction. This means that the courts
undertake to enforce the orders of the signatory countries concerning children and to return abducted children to the country from which they were kidnapped.?

You need to get some legal advice quickly. Some solicitors do a free hour?s consultation I believe, so def worth trying to find someone to talk to.

Take legal advice.

Do not leave the UK with your children without your husband's permission. That is a serious crime that you could live to regret. Get a divorce ASAP on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and then leave for the US.

The US has a reciprocal treaty with the UK regarding child abduction.

If you remove your children from the UK without your husband's permission you can and WILL face charges for this.

Get some legal advice NOW.

Even if you are legally divorced, you will still need your husband's permission via custody agreement to remove your children.

Believe me, the US will require this even if the children are dual nationals.

Sorry, but this is what happens when you marry someone from another country - you can't just 'hop on a plane' anymore. But you can't even do that in the US anymore had you been married to someone who lived in another state.

Also, if you do anything rash, and you commit a crime here, the Home Office can revoke your residency and even your nationality if you naturalised and deport you.

Without your children, who are British nationals.

And if you think the US government will help you should this happen, guess again. If anything, they'll collude with British authorities entirely.

Be very careful here.

So sorry you are going through this - not unreasonable AT ALL - you sound like a saint having put up with so much. I would echo others who have said to get legal advice as soon as possible, quietly. Document any incidents, and I can't imagine any judge having a problem with you taking the kids home. BLIFH is aptly named, what a complete and utter tosser. And what your husband thinks he's playing at is anyone's guess - what a pair of morons they are. Whereabouts are you, I'm thinking about your childcare? Any chance of changing your working patterns - I thought the law says that employers must consider reasonable requests?

Yes I definitely made some bad decisions here.

There is a girl at work that met an American over the internet and she is marrying him and going over there to live and I'm like "NOOOOO don't do it! Make him come here to the UK!!!"

No there is no way I am hopping on a plane. I am on annual leave wednesday and I'm going to CAB to get some advice. I may get DH and Bilfh's stuff thrown out all at once.

So is it legal for me too haul BILFH's crap to the tip? He has been warned repeatedly via letter (by me) to remove his stuff and he has refused. He and DH have never had anything but a verbal agreement. It has been documented from the beginning that I didn't want BILFH or his stuff in my house.

I would send him one last letter saying that unless he collects his stuff within a certain period of time, you will consider him to be abandoning it in which case you will dispose of it as you see fit. Make sure you have a copy of it!

You should probably take advice as to how legally to serve notice on your former tenant as to the collection of his belongings. I expect CAB will be able to give you this type of advice.

I wouldn't do ANYTHING without taking legal advice.

?I can't imagine any judge having a problem with you taking the kids home.?. But unfortunately it?s really not that simple. Very very rarely do courts not grant any access at all, and unless your dh is abusive towards the children and is therefore considered to be a risk to them, it?s likely that it will be your dh that will have to give permission for you to take the children out of the country. If he is not likely to do that, then you need to think about building your life without him in this country, for now at least.

You can absolutely do this, on your own, it will be hard, but the result will be a much better life for you and your children.

With regard to your Bil, I would just take his stuff round to his flat and leave it outside his front door. No questions, no explanations. It?s his stuff, you don?t want it in your house, if he wants it he can find a place to keep it. Dh might be slightly more difficult to handle, as it?s his house too and he legally has the right to live there. But if you want him gone then I would tell him you want him to move out. If he refuses then I would go and see a solicitor and file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

I have nothing to add really, but OMG think thread is in the wrong topic as erm, no you are not unreasonable, what a pair of complete arseholes these two sound. Just what you said about BILFH and his mother made my blood boil, how f*in dare he the shit

Anyway just wanted to say that plus if you are anywhere near me i'll have the kids whilst you're at work so you can leave the tossa

Can you make at least one bedroom just your own and try to forget about the mess in the rest of the house? At least then you would have a sanctuary.

Do you have a shed or garage where your BIL's stuff could be stored? If so maybe you could put it in there and lock it - you can tell him its locked because you are keeping it safe...But get advice first.

I think another poster was right in that he was a lodger not a tenant. Got the below from this site:
www.clsdirect.org.uk/legalhelp/leaflet04.jsp?section=2&lang=en

Hope it helps.

The difference between a licence and a tenancy
Some people who rent privately have a licence, rather than a tenancy. In legal terms, a licence is a permission from the owner to occupy the accommodation, whereas a tenancy is a form of ownership of the accommodation. However, it is not always obvious which type someone has. You may have a licence (which means you are a 'licensee') if:

your landlord provides services, such as room cleaning, which mean they have access to where you live - for example, if you live in lodgings, a hotel or a hostel: or
you are being allowed to stay in accommodation by friends or family.
Licensees have similar rights to people who have a tenancy with basic protection or an excluded tenancy.

To end the tenancy or licence the landlord must:

serve a 'notice to quit' giving at least four weeks' notice; or
wait for the agreed fixed term of the tenancy or licence to end.
After this, the landlord has to get a court order to evict the tenant if the tenant does not leave. However, the landlord has to show the court only that this notice has been properly served - they do not have to prove that there is a ground or reason for possession to be granted.

If your home is provided as part of your job, your right to live there will probably end when your job does. However, you cannot be evicted without receiving at least four weeks' notice and a court order.