Grandparents rights discussion on This Morning

[Shakirasma]

These reports always seem to focus on the grandparents being deprived of a relationship with their grandchildren, for no apparent reason and usually the DIL is to blame.
AIBU to wish they would get the other side of the story, I find it hard to believe that people would cut off their parents without good reason!

Thing is though the grandparents aren't always bad like the ex or the ones that have done anything wrong.

Some people can't separate the hate for the ex and the grandparents.

I don't struggle to believe people cut grandparents off for no good reason, I've seen it happen

Of course many people will have a good reason but not all

You're not wrong Pink but I think in this sort of situation there is always 2 sides to the story. Journalism always seems to focus on the poor granny aspect though, but 10 minutes on here and it's clear that there are some really difficult grandparents out there who are very unpleasant parents and in laws.

I would just like to see both perspectives represented by the media.

Well there's always two sides to every story isn't there?

Relationships can be tricky at the best of times and everything's heightened when a new little person comes along.

The media does seem to portray grandparents as innocent victims when that's not always the case.

But then it might just feel like that if you're currently a parent of young children, suffering with the interfering granny or whatever.

For years there've been vile mil jokes. I wonder how mils feel they're portrayed in the media?

my in laws are...complicated, and it's not unreasonable to assume they might cross the line resulting in nc before or after we have kids. I can absolutely see my MIL trying to take us to court over it.

The thing is, if you're the type of ex who has stopped contact with a biological parent then it stands to reason that you would likely also stop contact with the grandparents. Of course there are going to be grandparents who lose contact with their GC for very valid reasons but equally it's unrealistic to suggest that every instance of no contact always happens with good reason and that there's never any malicious intent behind it.

But if you have a valid reason for stopping contact with an ex, why risk bringing your child back into his orbit?

Grandparents have no automatic "right" to a relationship with their grandchildren. It's easy to blame the DIL because they are not the biological child, and when couples split up the children almost always end up with the mother over the father.

If the parents of the grandchild are together, perhaps the grandparents should reflect on their own shortcomings. Why exactly does their biological child not allow them access? What have the grandparents done, what is their child or their child's partner afraid of?

There are usually at least two sides to every story. It's very easy for the media to portray old people as victims, but the parent's first responsibility is to the wellbeing of their child, and the wellbeing of themselves - not the wellbeing of the grandparents.

I'm sure there are good grandparents getting frozen out of their GC's lives, but it's worth it to keep the bad ones with no recourse to try and re-enter their DC/GC's lives.

It might be an evil DIL warping their DS's mind, or it might be an adult DS realising their upbringing has been deeply dysfunctional when compared to their ILs family dynamic, or an ex-DIL who after months of nasty messages and calls from their ex's parents has decided that it is down to the ex to facilitate contact with the GPs and if he can't be arsed then too bad.

I am a mil. . Ds and dil are apart. . Thanks to nurturing a relationship with dil from the start and continuing to give support and advice when requested only - I am fortunate enough to have my dgs 1 or 2 nights every week while dil works. My ds is a good example of an estranged df doing his best in a bad situation and I am proud of them both managing to still do the best for dgs.
Mils need to decide the sort of relationship they want with dil at the very beginning imo.

My MiL has narcissistic personality disorder and mentally/emotionally abused by DH throughout his childhood. We went NC just before our wedding when she ramped up the manipulative behaviour to an intolerable level. She hasn't been to any of her childrens' weddings, or met her grandson. We occasionally get emails or texts that show her to still be the scheming person she has always been, and they serve to further confirm our decision to go NC. I have always told my DH that if he ever felt he wanted to see her, or wanted her to meet her grandchild I would go with his wishes, provided he is present. But he is dead against it, his life is much much less stressful since she disappeared from it.

Even if good grandparents sometimes get frozen out, I think you just shouldn't have the law involved in giving them rights.
The parents are the only ones who should have a legal right to request contact. How far do you extend that? Aunts? Ex step parents?

My daughter saw her 'grandfather' every week. He's my XMIL's boyfriend of 20 years. They split up. I have facilitated the contact - with her blessing though she does get the arse about it behind my back now!

'Grandfather' put far more into the relationship that XMIL ever did. Why should she have rights and not him?

But I don't want a situation where a grandmother's ex boyfriend does have rights.

Parents only.

On the opposite end of my scale I have been nc with my mil for 3 years after she announced she didn't want to be a gm at all. And she had free reign to visits and taking dc out if she wished. Did once with older ones (not dh dc) but totally snubbed her own dgs.

Some people just aren't meant to be gps I think.

Yes and the frightening thing would be where GPs were granted contact when a parent had a very good reason to go NC with their child i.e. abusive ex partner gets contact to children through enforced contact with GPs. How would court mitigate this?

Motherwhomanages

Your in laws took you and dh to court and won!

Why exactly does their biological child not allow them access? What have the grandparents done, what is their child or their child's partner afraid of?

If my own dc did this to me, I would certainly be doing some deep self reflection, trying to talk to them, seeing what I could do. But it seems to me the GP who people have the main issues with are the very ones least likely to self reflect.

They are the stubborn ones who never think they do anything wrong, who cross every boundary known to man, who have a shit relationship with their blood dc....and have often treated the in law dil or sil like shit, then wonder - why they are not embraced when dc come along,.

I agree with Ellisandra

Mrscropley Fri 01-Sep-17 15:16:1

I couldn't agree more and its very telling really..you have managed to achieve something special there and you are paying the price, ie in a good way.

Why on earth should grandparents have rights? I see no justification for that. My kids are fortunate enough to have two fab sets of grandparents but DH and I should be the ones to decide what rights the grandparents have to our children. No one else

Surely if the father is having contact with his children then it is up to him to facilitate contact with his side of the family.
The mother should not have the added responsibility of negotiating contact with her Ex PIL unless she and they are in a caring and supportive relationship.
The grandparents usually side with their own child, even if they are generally ok people, and are likely to be critical of their daughter-in -law. The grandparents I do have sympathy for are those with a deceased child, where the surviving parent remarries and moves away and forgets the ex PIL

As August said. My mother is as toxic as a human being can get without poisoning herself, my father a selfish alcoholic who deeply resents my children's existence as it means family life is not focused on him and keeping HIM happy. I finally saw the light just over a year ago and cut them off. We are all deeply grateful they have no rights and that we are simply able to walk away. Talk to them and you will hear how awful myself and DH are and how we keep them away from having a loving relationship with their GCs! They have never, ever, admitted they are at fault over anything. My mother has broken a glass in front of me and blamed the kids, she is that petty and delusional. They would never admit fault or work at having a good relationship. They can do what they like and we have no right to be hurt! Than God no one can force them on us.

I don't buy into this whole 'grandparent's rights' thing. No one has a 'right' to be in a child's life, except a parent, and that's only if it's safe and healthy for the children.

We have no contact with MIL and Step-FIL (for good reason, SFIL who she recently married, he wasn't around when my dh was growing up, is a convicted paedophile who went to prison for sexually abusing a child in his own family, MIL supports him, lied to us, and refuses to abide by the boundaries set to keep our daughter safe). In a way, I'm grateful she doesn't really care that much and is pretty deluded and only even vaguely emotionally attached to her own children. Because if she ever even sniffed about going to court to assert her 'rights' I would up and move us out of the country where she couldn't find us. No way on earth that's every going to happen as I'm not having my daughter exposed to a paedo.

I think you're right. There are always two sides to the story. I'm sure there are a few adult children out there with serious mental health or substance use issues who restrict contact for 'no good reason' but I'm willing to bet most of them are situations like ours where granny happens to be completely delusional, have been emotionally and even physically abusive to their own children growing up, and now pose some sort of genuine risk to the children involved.

I dislike the way they always seem to approach it with sympathy for the grandparents. You only need a quick read on another forum to see the level of narcissism some of these grandparents have. I saw one recently where a grandparent who was excluded from one set of grandchildrens lives was glad that her daughter was trying to have a baby because it showed the daughter cared about the narc because she was trying to give the narc more grandchildren but she was also glad the daughter hadn't been able to conceive so far because it would mean more work for the narc supporting that child through her pregnancy. All about the narcissistic grandparent. There's tons of stories like that out there. I'd like to see some of that featured on this morning.

They don't have rights zzzzz