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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents rights discussion on This Morning

41 replies

Shakirasma · 01/09/2017 10:45

These reports always seem to focus on the grandparents being deprived of a relationship with their grandchildren, for no apparent reason and usually the DIL is to blame.
AIBU to wish they would get the other side of the story, I find it hard to believe that people would cut off their parents without good reason!

OP posts:

FutureDays · 01/09/2017 15:43

Cutting a long messy story short my mil had a horrible divorce with fil, the day she left she went nc with my husband of her choice, it has caused him a lot of pain as he was very close to her.

She has not been in contact with us for around 5-6 years until our son was born and now has decided she wants contact again and to play grandparent.

After speaking on the phone my husband decided he doesn't want her in our lives and she's threatened us with her trying to get grandparents rights :(

If she has not been involved so far does she have any rights?
She hasn't been a parent for the last 5 years so I don't think she should just be able to decide to be a grandparent.

Underthemoonlight · 01/09/2017 15:43

My ex mil was a horrible spiteful woman, she was vile to me during my pregnancy asked me to abort my child went on holiday when I had him. Her atttiude changed when I had DS and she tried to completely take over my role entirely at the same continually picking at me as a mother she was emotionally abusive as was her son. Me and ex split up and he sees him on a regular basis and sees her with his DF. I would be damned if I was being told she would be having contact seperately to ex hence why I don't agree grandparents should have rights, when does it stop? Aunties, uncles etc. If ex decided to go nc with his dm hes totally within his right to so and if that means he decided to end contact between his mother and DS that would be his choice to make as a parent. In some cases this does happen and by putting rights into place can muddy the waters.

Mummaofboys · 01/09/2017 15:45

Grandparents right is ridiculous, the only people to have 'rights' over a child are the child's parents and or guardian. My MIL complains she never sees our kids and I don't take them to see her very often but she has legs and a car she should use them! She would be all over these 'Grandparents Rights'

scallopsrgreat · 01/09/2017 15:46

Parents don't even have rights. It is the children that have rights.

ikeadyounot · 01/09/2017 15:48

I imagine that there is nothing most harassed parents would like more than a solid relationship with trustworthy grandparents who are willing to take the kids for some time each week. There are loads of families where this is a happy, functional relationship and it's a wonderful thing.

However, there are also relationships where grandparents AREN'T being helpful, but are actually taking a toll on the nuclear family and making life more difficult. In an age where 2 wages is the norm, where housing costs have spiralled, and families are under emotional and financial stress, it's not really surprising that decisions are taken simply to cut out difficult relationships and to minimize contact with difficult people. In a few cases, this goes further and the relationship is actually dangerous or toxic, triggering a parental duty to end it.

Moral of the story: be a help.

derxa · 01/09/2017 15:59

I watched that segment and there was a letter from someone whose MIL was awful so your summing up was incorrect OP.

Augustwashout · 01/09/2017 15:59

I dislike the way they always seem to approach it with sympathy for the grandparents

Totally agree its always poor granny - as though all grannies are disney grandmas with kind faces and loving hearts.

we are dealing with a narc too - will grab for child no matter what - its all about her.

maybe we should write to this morning!

Augustwashout · 01/09/2017 16:01

As far as I am aware their "rights" come down to how much contact they have had with the DC and that stopping that contact will be harmful to the dc!

LittleWingSoul · 01/09/2017 16:13

Surely then it's just your word against theirs though - grandparents have the luxury of being able to buy/spoil kids rotten with treats and with their time in a way parents just can't. This will obviously skew how the kids feel about GPs in some cases, possibly until they are older.

It's really tough. I was treated pretty badly by my ex in laws throughout the relationship with their abusive son, and also when we split it continued. They haven't ever made amends, or admitted their son was wrong to be violent and abusive to me (I apparently deserved it) but because of the above example of spoiling, my DD does enjoy seeing them. I let them see her sporadically but I limit it because she is pretty poisonous (exMIL). E.g. accusing ex's new wife of being a paedophile. And yes, condoning and denying ex's violence and abuse towards me.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 01/09/2017 16:14

I always find the thought of someone who goes to the media to get their way of questionable character and not someone who I would want my children around.

The story is never going to be as simple as 'They don't like me'

Even if it is, how is going on national television going to help their plight?

If you asked her about her relationship with DS you would think she was grandma of the year and we were unreasonable.

No story is ever black and white.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2017 16:19

That would be horrendous. My mother has undiagnosed NPD. We are taking a break from her ATM. She is so incredibly controlling of me. Sees me as the problem. When it is in fact her and her charming son, who is verbally and physically abusive toward me. And she has never stopped him. Thinks how he was to me even as a baby is funny. She is also abusive to me. Thankfully for my dd she is a better grandparent than mother. But for my own sanity and perseveration, I do not want to see her right now.

ginnybag · 01/09/2017 16:19

If this ever comes into place, I will be telling my DH that, should I die, he needs to take DD and move a long, long way away.

My DSis, and most of my extended family would agree with that assessment. My Mother is an alcohol fuelled, narcissistic nightmare, and she would love nothing more than the chance to star in the drama that a court case to claim 'rights' to DD would be.

I can pretty much write her script, and it would be all about her, as it is now. She hasn't made one drop of effort to have a relationship with my DD, not even texts on Christmas or her birthday, but ask of her friends and she's a poor old lady and I'm a heartless bitch keeping them apart for no reason at all.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 01/09/2017 16:22

Oh god, I hope my MIL didn't see it, she's desperate to have DS all to herself. My DH only visits her at all out of duty, he can barely stand to be in the same room as her, he says she is never spending a minute with DS unsupervised and we have written wills to make sure that if we die, he is out of the country and safe from her.
We like where we live and have a lot of friends but fantasise about moving just to get away from her. Knowing her though, she'd follow us!
It's a shame, I'd like to have a sane Granny involved with DS and it would be a great help to me but she's a nightmare and is not fit to have rights over a fly, let alone our baby.

Trb17 · 01/09/2017 16:34

I feel for anyone missing out on grandchild/grandparent relationship.

However, in my own family my in-laws were unfit to look after grandchildren imo. Smoked weed, drank & drove with kids in car, didn't bother with seat belts or car seats! All of these happened with other grandchildren / neices etc.

So I made the decision that they would never be allowed to care for our DD unsupervised.

In the eyes of the law they'd done nothing as no proof or charges were ever brought. However I knew what they were like and protected DD from it. So I don't think any rights should exist in law as to do so would take away parents rights to protect their DC.

I know it's not perfect for those genuine GP's out there but I can't see any way around that.

Crinkle77 · 01/09/2017 16:34

I agree OP, there is usually another side to the story that the grandparents don't tell. I was reading an article about this yesterday. One grandfather had an altercation with the DIL and the other set had a falling out over the wedding arrangements of the son and DIL. Neither couple expanded on what the arguments were about so couldn't judge what had really gone on.

corythatwas · 01/09/2017 17:03

It shouldn't be about the grandparents' rights but (in the case of non-toxic grandparents) of the child's right to contact, about what is best for the child.

I do know of one case where the daughter cut off contact with her mother for what appeared to be about money. Fair enough, her decision. But her children were never asked if the fall-out was important enough to them to justify not having a grandmother. As soon as they became adult they re-established contact. The daughter never has. Her children lost out. And evidently feel it.

My DM never got on with my grandmother and I got caught in the middle. As an adult I can see that it was probably 50-50: on a bad day, two insecure drama queens who took offence at the slightest opportunity. But also two people who in various ways meant a lot to me and had a lot to offer me, as their close relative. I don't think either of them would have had the right to deprive me of that. If my DM had tried, I would resent it as an adult. And that is my right. I resent her trying to make me take sides as it is.

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