Neighbours have complained about DD's meltdowns. Don't know what to do?

[Afflictus]

Also posted on SN children but thought I'd post here for traffic too.

I have several threads about DD(9) under different NNs. She has violent meltdowns and is suicidal and destructive. I suspect maybe ASD but CAMHS are saying its attachment issues. I've not really had any real help with methods to deal with her although lots of professionals involved right now.

Over the summer she has improved in that we've had several days without meltdowns but as the summer holidays are coming to an end she has ramped up the anxiety and meltdowns. I had a really difficult morning with her this morning.

I've always got on OK with my neighbours. We live in terraced housing with very thin walls so I've always been aware that this is affecting them. At times they have banged on the walls in response. We have made DD write apology notes before now.

I came home today to find a hand written note basically asking me to stop my girls from banging doors and screaming/shouting. My neighbour has moved her elderly mum in recently and apparently it is scaring her. I would like to move as the house is too small anyway but that simply isn't an option at the moment. My neighbours aren't perfect either - one side has a dog that barks a lot and the other side has in the past had screaming rows and physical fights (I had to call the police once as it sounded really dangerous) but otherwise I've never complained. I don't think they should have to put up with it but I don't know what to do.

Has anyone got any advice for me please?

All you can do is tell them that your DD is receiving treatment and that you hope for an improvement soon.

This sounds really tough

Have they forgotten the school go back next week?

This sounds horrid. Sorry for you. You could probably do something to make the doors less slammy and then tell them what MaisieDotes said.

Poor love, my dd is also 9 and presents the same. We're just lucky we have really understanding neighbours. We find putting a towel folded over the top of our doors make them bang less, but other than that when she has a panic attack we ensure she isn't hurting herself/others but have to let it run its course unfortunately trying to get her to stop would be fruitless and extend it anyway. I'd maybe try the towel thing and pop a note back along the lines of 'I apologise for the noise but unfortunately it is due to my child's disability. We are receiving treatment and support for this and hope that things will improve with time'.
Also for you too, it's hard going at this time of year-you're doing a great job.

I've no advice but I have a DD who sounds exactly the same. She's ten and has a diagnosis of HFA. I've had neighbours accuse me of beating her and telling me they'll call the police, knocking on the door to see if she is ok etc. It helps that she rampages and screams at them too and they can see my frazzled self but doesn't stop the dirty looks. I live in fear of the police coming, it's THAT bad . We are getting a referral to CAMHS but I don't know how much help it will be.

It's probably not great for the neighbours but at this stage it sounds as if there isn't a great deal you can do except put a note through their door along the lines of what pps have said and ask for the neighbours to cut you a bit slack.

This sounds really tough for you OP, hope you get some positive help soon.

Just send a note back - stating your DD is having a difficult time at present - thank them for their understanding.

I confess if I were your neighbours I'd be despairing too, but I hope I would have enough compassion to not mention it, or be very kind when I did.

I think a note back as suggested would be great - apologise, but say she is have some difficulties at the moment that are being treated/diagnosed, whatever you feel comfortable saying. You could do some of the bits suggested here e.g. towels over doors to stop slamming and tell them what you've done to try to mitigate the problem.

Be compassionate to them, let them know you're working on it, but absolve yourself of guilt. Ultimately, you have little control over his: your daughter is having a tough time, you are doing what you can, and in response to their note you can assess where you can try to mitigate the situation. But you can't click your fingers and make it stop.

Hopefully if they understand there's a bit more to it than just shouty kids they will calm down.

It wasn't clear in your OP but have you sat down with them and explained your DD condition and that her meltdowns are not tantrums and that she is receiving treatment and had a full and frank conversation? Can the elderly mum meet your DD so that she is not afraid?

So sorry this is all so stressful for you

Ah what a difficult situation to be in.

I feel for your neighbours because I;'d be fuming too, but I feel for you because there's nothing you can do and it sounds like you're doing your best. Honestly if I was the neighbours I'd appreciate you popping round and just explaining a little bit more, not to breach your DDs confidentiality but just to give them an understanding that you're both trying

So nothing really of help to say, but just showing some support. it must be very hard

I sympathise with your neighbours as I'm sure the noise is disruptive for them but I really don't see what else you can do. You're doing everything you can to try and get things calmer with your daughter, clearly. I don't really see what else they could expect you to do about the noise when you have a child who clearly has issues way beyond normal childhood naughtiness. If she was just misbehaving and you weren't dealing with it, then yes, fair enough that they'd complain, but that's obviously not the case; you're doing your best.

Have you explained to your neighbours that she has special needs/mental health problems and you are trying to get treatment for her? Apart from anything, they might be less 'scared' if they knew that she has problems and that you aren't just randomly letting her run riot.

From a practical point of view these might help

www.uberkids.co.uk/Product.do?method=view&n=4931&g=1395205&p=1395221&d=124&c=4&l=2&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=Base&utm_campaign=Home%20Safety&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIr73HtN-D1gIVyb_tCh1EUguEEAQYBSABEgLWe_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

You poor soul and your poor neighbors. It sounds like everyone is suffering because of your poor wee girl's problems. I do think you need to explain that your daughter has problems and you're seeking help, but that you are trying everything in your power to stop her meltdowns. They may think that you're taking her behaviour for granted and don't realise that it's having a negative effect on your family too. I know you can't move, but is can you afford to sound proof the rooms where the melt downs would have the most effect on your neighbors?

I'd be worried that you were beating her tbh and if they are good people it won't be long before they call the police/ss. I think you should maybe talk to your neighbour and explain the situation.

As for your dd. Could her anxiety be school related? Would changing schools or homeschooling help?

Also been there with ds who used to have horrific violent meltdowns mostly in the middle of the night which must have been hideous for the neighbours. It got to the point I was so stressed and ashamed I could barely leave the house.

In the end one of my neighbours reported me to the ha and the council. The council were brilliant and when I explained about ds having asd they said they would not expect me to be able to control the noise he made. The ha were a bit funny about it but my family worker was brilliant and explained that it was in no way a parenting issue. I asked them if they would be willing to soundproof the house under reasonable adjustment. They stopped after that.

Shelter told me a judge would be very unlikely to grant an eviction order given the circumstances. It was so stressful but I started to realise I had done nothing wrong. I did all I could to minimise the noise but ds was really ill and there was nothing I could do about it. I pointed out to the ha worker that when my ds was screaming and trying to throw himself out the window my first thought shouldn't be about the noise he's making.

Is there any way of soundproofing the rooms that adjoin your neighbour? You might be able to do a cheapish fix that at least reduces the amount of noise they can hear. The towel over the door sounds like a good idea to minimise the baning.

I do feel sorry for the neighbours if I'm honest. No matter how understanding people are generally, we all have a breaking point and it sounds like they've reached theirs.

Agree with the suggestion to sit down and chat with the neighbours. They may be more understanding if they know it's not 'just bad behaviour/being naughty'.

That sounds hard for everyone involved. I think in these situations, it's mostly just understanding and explanation that helps even if the actual circumstance doesn't/ can't change. I would pluck up courage, knock on their door and say you're really, really sorry and you're very aware of it, this is the circumstance, explain about dd, say the other dd is fine so they know specifically what's going on, it is just her but she has got some issues and we're seeking treatment.

In any circumstance eg. if your flight is delayed and you miss a connection, you just want someone to say, we understand you're upset and this is what we're trying to do to sort it out. Even if if doesn't get sorted, you know they are trying and it's not their personal fault. It's the manner in which it's dealt with which makes all the difference rather than ignoring it or just communicating, "Tough luck."

We're in your neighbours position. Our neighbours came over shortly after we moved in (with yummy homemade food) to explain. It can be frustrating but worse for the child who is feeling that way and his parents. I'd never dream of making it worse for them by complaining - what could they do that they're not already doing. Your neighbour is just being stupid or cruel.

Besides all neighbours impact on each other. When our twins were newborn whenever they'd cry (one had severe colic so this was a lot) he'd be convinced we'd forgotten to feed them & try desperately to get to us. Even climbing out of his window late at night.

Can you print off some basic information that explains about the condition, and put it through their letterbox with a nice letter?

Your neighbour is just being stupid or cruel.

Not if they have no idea OP's daughter has issues with MH/suspected SN and just think she's being a noisy kid.

Same thing happened a lot to a family member whose daughter has autism - she had to just keep going to apologise because there is nothing you can do .. has calmed down a lot since she reached 17 but it was very hard because obviously you can't reason with the child very easily

I would do as pp have suggested, write them a note explaining the situation. I have a child that screams, howls and self harms in a place in the house that is visible to passers-by so I sympathise. I do my best to get him out of the garden and windows and doors shut but beyond that, there is not a lot I can do. Thankfully my neighbours seem to understand and most people living locally do too.

I hate the length of summer holidays. Both of mine have ASD and now they're older, it's easier to get them out and about and not festering in the house but I've noticed ds1's anxiety and grumpiness ramping up, this week and ds2 is just bored, repetitive, obsessive and loud.

When ds1 goes through door slamming phases we've taken the doors concerned off their hinges. Our Livingroom door spent half of this year behind the sofa!

It wasn't clear in your OP but have you sat down with them and explained your DD condition and that her meltdowns are not tantrums and that she is receiving treatment and had a full and frank conversation?

A very good idea. It 'humanises' the daughter and the old lady will see it is just a little girl.

I'd go with explaining the situation. We have a shit downstairs neighbour who made up complaints to the HA and then complained about DS's meltdowns (he has an autism diagnosis). It sucks but there isn't a lot we can do about it.

understanding is nine-tenths of the battle. Knowing that attempts are being made to reduce the noise helps when having to listen.

barking dogs can be dealt with. Screaming drunken fights can be dealt with. There are limits to what can be done in your situation and it sounds like you are doing all you can.

I wish you the best.