Neighbours have complained about DD's meltdowns. Don't know what to do?

[Afflictus]

Also posted on SN children but thought I'd post here for traffic too.

I have several threads about DD(9) under different NNs. She has violent meltdowns and is suicidal and destructive. I suspect maybe ASD but CAMHS are saying its attachment issues. I've not really had any real help with methods to deal with her although lots of professionals involved right now.

Over the summer she has improved in that we've had several days without meltdowns but as the summer holidays are coming to an end she has ramped up the anxiety and meltdowns. I had a really difficult morning with her this morning.

I've always got on OK with my neighbours. We live in terraced housing with very thin walls so I've always been aware that this is affecting them. At times they have banged on the walls in response. We have made DD write apology notes before now.

I came home today to find a hand written note basically asking me to stop my girls from banging doors and screaming/shouting. My neighbour has moved her elderly mum in recently and apparently it is scaring her. I would like to move as the house is too small anyway but that simply isn't an option at the moment. My neighbours aren't perfect either - one side has a dog that barks a lot and the other side has in the past had screaming rows and physical fights (I had to call the police once as it sounded really dangerous) but otherwise I've never complained. I don't think they should have to put up with it but I don't know what to do.

Has anyone got any advice for me please?

I called the police on my neighbours once. Looking back it may well have been an ASD linked meltdown, but the adult was screaming back at them and kept threatening to call the police herself. I had never heard it before, but speaking to other neighbours it was apparently quite regular, and I guess that's why I'd seen police cars parked nearby before.

Honestly it was scary. But if I had known it was because of SN (if indeed it was) then it would have been much easier to cope with for all concerned.

Speak to your neighbours. Let them know as much as possible without breaching your daughter's right to privacy.

I use elastic bands over the door handles and rubber door stops to minimalise the door slamming.

The melt downs have decreased now luckily but the neighbours struggled to understand it wasn't just tantrums. The windows are open so they hear more but lack of school means less anxiety for us.

I can use distraction a lot more easily now. Sorting out sleep issues helped with behaviour.Baths too close to bedtime were stimulating rather than relaxing. I think getting the sleep sorted has been the best thing, everything else has just fallen into place.

They probably do find it difficult but putting pressure on you isn't going to help. I had a friend with a DD who had similar problems and my friend was always apologizing and neighbours always saying don't worry we understand. One night her DD was great no stomping round after school, no screaming about having a shower, brushing her teeth or going to bed, no coming downstairs multiple times with door slamming and general stomping. The neighbours came round the next morning and said they had a terrible night and my friend was puzzled. Neighbours explained they had been so worried that something terrible had happened to her DD as they hadn't heard her all night. Parents really can't win but at leas they had a good laugh about it and my friend did really feel more relaxed about the whole situation.

I think you can get things to stop doors slamming, maybe a search on Amazon or similar would come up with something?

Sorry things are so stressful at the moment OP. I would agree that sharing some basic information about what your child is going through at the moment may calm the situation and help your neighbours to understand, but limited to only what you are willing to share. I really hope things improve for you and for your dd soon.

Could you install some noise insulation stuff on your walls? I know you are doing the best you possibly can but neighbour noise can be really excruciating. Do your neighbours know the details of your dd's issues? I agree with others that, if not, you might try a full and frank explanation. This might lead to them cutting you a bit more slack.

Apart from that I do think the onus is on you to either cut down the noise that they hear and, if you can't do that, then you need to move to a more appropriate living situation.

I think all you can do is say sorry and explain the situation to them. My dd has ASD, she doesn't have many meltdowns but when she does she has a habit of running it into the garden and screaming really loudly, luckily both my neighbours know the situation but still it can't be that nice for them having to hear a child that sounds like she's being murdered.

I hope you get the help for your dd, for us it was learning about the triggers and spotting a meltdown before it happened, things have got much easier.

Not helpful with the neighbours, but it is really common for anxiety to ramp up at the end of the school holidays. My DD has been settled for the holidays but as the new term approaches and we begin preparing for school she starts worrying. She doesn't realise it's about school but I spoke to one of her therapists who has many unsettled children seeing her now! It might be worth addressing the anxiety about starting a new term to help settle again. Hope that helps.

I've worked with people with challenging behaviours as a result of learning disabilities, and have had to deal with exasperated neighbours. Sympathy with their situation is a good place to start - yes, the behaviours are extremely difficult to deal with first hand, but they probably don't understand that and it is also difficult to be unable to get away from noise in your own home being caused by other people. I'll probably get flamed for that but hey ho.

Secondly, I know you've said you can't afford to move, but if you can afford to look at any kind of sound proofing measures, do - thick underlay for carpets, rugs if you have floorboards or laminate, thick and heavy curtains, secondary glazing. Anything to deaden the sound will help.

Thirdly, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's horrible having to justify something you can't control to people who are angry and pissed off

Sympathies op, I have 2 ASD dcs, it's so hard

Might be stating the obvious here but if you could stop them you would? I mean you don't exactly enjoy it either. Do these people just not have children?

Id start by telling them their dogs/rows and THEIR loudness sets your DC off. maybe then they are aware of how much noise they make (even if it isnt that that stes off your DC).

People shoiuld be more understanding of disabilities.

and if anyone threatens to call police, let them. the police will see its not your fault and your DC has no control over the situation.
I know its frustrating for neighbours but theres deliberate anti social noise and noise that cant be helped.

its not like your DC is doing it on purpose.

I had this with my ndns too.

now they are a bit more understanding and for the most part put up with it. they can see i try my best to calm DC down when she has sensory meltdowns.

try and move if you can move OP, at least to a semi, or detatched

feel for you, i know what its like. at the end of the day Id say it was discrimination on their part.

Thank you everyone for replying.

I'm not sure how much my neighbours know but according to the note they hear 'everything' so I'm assuming they've heard her threatening to kill herself, seen her lying in the road waiting for a car to come and seen the professionals coming and going. The note says 'I know kids can be hard' so I'm assuming she doesn't know the full extent.

I'm definitely not blaming them as it must be very hard to hear, especially now she has her mum staying who apparently has early dementia. Neither of my NDNs have young children although both have adult children who live with them. I think I will take an apology card round with maybe some flowers, and explain the situation.

I would love to move as the house really isn't suitable for us but I simply can't afford to. I rent from a relative at present and am fearful of the insecurity of other private rentals. I feel quite 'got at' at the moment as I don't feel like some of the professionals involved are being very supportive and now this. I've also recently fallen out with another set of neighbours as I caught their child throwing rocks at my youngest and told him to stop, the dad then came round being really aggressive, leaning on my door telling me I shouldn't have told him off. I've also got some furniture and things in the garden (decluttering) that are awaiting council collection and somebody complained about me to the council.

I feel so isolated and desperate over my DDs problems. My partner of three years and I separated last week over her behaviour, I have no friends anymore, I just live like a recluse trying to survive. I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago (posted on here) but started on some new ADs and with DD's brief improvement, felt like I was getting somewhere. This has pushed me back to that dark place again and I already feel like I won't be able to cope. The meltdown this morning was because I'd given her the 'wrong' leggings to wear and me and youngest DD were treated to a half hour battering. I lost my shit and ended up screaming at her which I feel awful about but I just don't know what to do with her, especially when she is brutally tormenting her younger sister. I no longer get a break either because DD has decided she hates her dad (I don't blame her to be honest) and he denies there is anything wrong with her, thinks it is a discipline issue and threatens to smack her all the time so I don't think she will resume visitation any time soon.

Apologies for the rant. Feeling very very low today.

Oh love-you are doing wonderfully and totally understandable to feel low today. I think your neighbours need to be told of your DD's situation. As they are also dealing with early dementia, maybe they will be sympathetic. You might even become to support one another.

Don't apologise for feeling low.

Can you access other support? I'm in West Sussex - if you are local I'd be happy to PM you some links to local groups etc

Thank you both. MN is fast becoming my only real support and I'm finding myself posting more and more.

Her problems only really started properly around three years ago and I'm already burnt out trying to get professionals involved (in the end it was the school who got them to listen) and just trying to manage her behaviour. I genuinely do not know how other people do this. Especially as I can see this stretching out for years to come in the absence of an assessment which CAMHS are very reluctant to do.

I'm in West Yorkshire Sandunes but that is very kind of you. I have a contact through work with someone from our local branch of NAS who has invited us along to their groups but I feel like a fraud without a proper diagnosis as I'm quite aware that CAMHS could be right and it is attachment rather than ASD (although I'm not 100% convinced).

I honestly don't know anything about attachment disorder so can't help with that but could you dedicate a room and get it padded out or could u afford a small safespace? This could potentially be used in future by your dd if she is able to self regulate and go into it herself and be her space. We are getting this in our house as our dd 8 is very violent as she suffers with loads of issue.
We have some good and some really awful neighbours so can understand this situation. Take care of yourself as much as u can

Don't worry about attending the support groups. There will be many children without a formal diagnosis who attend. I am in the same area as you and know that it is very difficult to get anywhere with CAMHS.