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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mil is ruining my child

50 replies

user1498912461 · 01/09/2017 08:41

Mil is ruining my child! She has a compulsive spending disorder and turns up with armfuls of toys every few days. This week I have totalled up the amount she has spent and it amounts to around £200. Last week she bought DS 50 kinder eggs! If DS is into something she will buy every toy under the sun to do with it. Every week is like Christmas in our house and my son now has little appreciation for stuff. I am desperately trying to "unspoil" my son to little avail. As mil has bipolar/compulsive spending disorder it is very hard to reason with her.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 01/09/2017 08:45

You're mother in law is unwell, what support is she getting? Has she family or a care package to curb the spending?

Regardless, you are the parent here, you are the stop-gap between your mil and you child actually receiving these gifts. Why are you not removing/returning these items before he sees them?

2littlemoos · 01/09/2017 08:45

Ask her to keep them at her house for when he visits. I bet she'll soon buy less!

And that you haven't enough room, you can't buy things for him yourself impulsively in case she has already bought it and it is spoiling him and not teaching him the value of gifts.

olderandnowiser · 01/09/2017 08:47

I would intercept and put some stuff away for christmas and give some stuff to charity. Poor woman - the gesture comes from the right place. What does your FIL think of this? I agree that she needs some kind of help.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/09/2017 08:51

50 kinder eggs??? The toys would drive me nuts but the kinder eggs even more so, who the fuck gives a child that much chocolate Shock. I agree she probably needs help but in the mean time she wouldn't be getting in my door unless she was empty handed, just be rude, now is not the time to be polite, you'll end up with a spoiled fat child, fuck that

PandorasXbox · 01/09/2017 08:53

Definitely intercept. Put them away and give them to him sporadically.

Could you have a gentle word with her or get DH to?

Nuttynoo · 01/09/2017 08:55

She's sick and she loves her som. Those eggs and cheaper toys could be donated to charity or schools/nurseries/hospitals and she wouldn't even notice- just manage it silently without confronting her.

PaintingOwls · 01/09/2017 08:56

I'm not sure that you can blame her if she is genuinely mentally unwell. She needs helps.

Agree with PPs that you should be intercepting those gifts, and certainly the chocolate! Imagine what it's doing to his poor teeth.

softshells · 01/09/2017 08:57

She does need help, undoubtedly, but that doesn't mean there is no sympathy for OPs position.

It is very difficult to take something from a child once they have clapped eyes on it, especially as it sounds like the child is very young.

Original poster
user1498912461 · 01/09/2017 08:58

It's impossible to intercept as she hands them straight over to DS (6). He's becoming very materialistic unfortunately. I've even found unopened kinder eggs (the chocolate eaten but the toy untouched) in his room. It makes me sad as at his age a kinder egg was a rare treat.

OP posts:
juneau · 01/09/2017 08:59

I would have a gentle word with her - gentle, but firm! I would ask her to PLEASE stop buying gifts for your DS, that the chocolate is bad for his health, and that he is becoming spoiled as a result of her constant largesse. And yes, I would be intercepting her 'gifts' and either returning, donating, or simply chucking in the bin the things you don't want him to have.

AnUtterIdiot · 01/09/2017 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nokidshere · 01/09/2017 09:03

If so wine was handing stuff straight to my 6 yr old on entering my house I would remove them from him immediately. You are the parent. At 6 yrs old he gets only what you allow him to have.

By all means talk to your mil and try to get her to stop but you need to step up too.

nokidshere · 01/09/2017 09:03

So wine = someone

Kintan · 01/09/2017 09:05

It's sad that she has mental health problems, but it's you and your DH's responsibility to protect your son from being impacted by them. You'll have to get tough and stop her seeing your son if she cannot do as you ask. Is she getting any help with her mental health?

Original poster
user1498912461 · 01/09/2017 09:05

Wine. That's what I need! 😂 Ha ha

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/09/2017 09:06

Why would people be gentle??????? She MIGHT be unwell, it's not certain but either way it's op's son who is being effected, the time for gentle is over "Mil, I know you love ds but he is becoming spoiled, materialistic and I have caught him sneaking good which is really unhealthy for a child and none of these things are qualities I want in my child, you either stop bringing anything for him or you stop calling" if she arrives again with something then tell her to leave and keep telling her until she cops on. She might be unwell or she might just be really insecure and be buying her grandsons affections, either way it's op's son that will suffer. Be tough, not gentle, tough and rude if she doesn't stop immediately

EdmundCleverClogs · 01/09/2017 09:06

It's impossible to intercept as she hands them straight over to DS (6)

So when she comes to visit, you don't answer the door yourself? If he goes around, do you not speak to her at the door? What about other family members, her husband for example, is there no one around to stop her buying 50 kinder eggs? Sounds like there's two issues here, you aren't being assertive enough in stopping the issue and she's not being stopped by anyone in her spending.

Does she actually have the money to spend? Is she in debt? I'd actually be really worried about her, sounds like even if the presents stopped, it just solves a symptom not the overall problem.

ChasedByBees · 01/09/2017 09:07

As well as stopping your MIL (firmly and not letting her in without presents!) I think you need to have a chat with your son also about how some people have less and encourage charitable giving. I know he's only six but it's not too early.

Maelstrop · 01/09/2017 09:08

Does she let herself into the house? If not, when you let her in, remove all bags and hide, give them back to her as she leaves. She may be a compulsive spender, but she can understand that you will not be giving your ds all the stuff she buys.

Thestarslookverydifferent · 01/09/2017 09:09

Don't let her In until she puts her presents back.in the car our leave outside if she doesn't drive. You can stop ds seeing them and you can stop her handing them over. Tell her he has way too much. bring back to her house if she wants. Tell her he'll be sick or loose his teeth with so much chocolate.

AngelaTwerkel · 01/09/2017 09:10

Would she respond to any redirection - asking for money (which could be put into a savings account) so he could save up for a house one day (I say a house as she probably won't buy that!).

This sounds very awkward, poor you.

RubyGoat · 01/09/2017 09:11

I sympathise, OP. I'm in a similar position with my MIL. I've said to her, repeatedly, not to bring toys etc for DD as we have no room, still they keep arriving. She gives them straight to DD. The only way to stop it is to cut contact between them (which I would be unwilling to do as they love each other). PILs are utterly shocking with money & have lost their home before, their house is a typical hoarders house. DD has so many toys we can't even store them, it's dreadful. I mentioned to MIL the other day that DH & I are having money issues at present (I'm off work sick) & she said not to worry as they will buy her everything she needs for Christmas. Major foot in mouth moment. Damn. It's always piles of cheap plastic rubbish as well, that gets broken really quickly, & dirty second hand stuff from the charity shop. None of which we have room to store. And as we have no car we can't easily take it back over there. People don't understand how difficult it is to have a compulsive spender / hoarder in the family.

I don't know how to sort it, OP (clearly!) but you're not alone.

AngelaTwerkel · 01/09/2017 09:13

Bet you can't wait till Christmas, OP!!

AnUtterIdiot · 01/09/2017 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinesaLattecino · 01/09/2017 09:20

Tell your son he can keep X amount of all the lovely new things Granny has bought him, then the rest is going to a toy bank. He can choose what to keep and what to lose. From now on it's a one-in one-out policy. Dosn't solve the problem but might get him thinking about what is important to him slightly?
Tough situation, I am dreading a normal autumn birthday followed by Christmas here.

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