To think mil is ruining my child

[user1498912461]

Mil is ruining my child! She has a compulsive spending disorder and turns up with armfuls of toys every few days. This week I have totalled up the amount she has spent and it amounts to around £200. Last week she bought DS 50 kinder eggs! If DS is into something she will buy every toy under the sun to do with it. Every week is like Christmas in our house and my son now has little appreciation for stuff. I am desperately trying to "unspoil" my son to little avail. As mil has bipolar/compulsive spending disorder it is very hard to reason with her.

The solution is simple but I'm not sure you have the stomach for it. You immediately remove every excessive gift from your son right there in front of her, saying, 'No! This is too much. You are spoiling him.' You will have tantrums because he is used to getting so much, but you have to ride them out.

To be honest, after the first few times it shouldn't have come to this stage. If firm conversations didn't work you should have resorted to visual scanning and confrontation at the door, an agreement with her that if she didn't cut down she would need to be searched before accessing your son, and yes, a threat of reduced contact. Not to punish her, I hate using children to punish 'errant' grandparents, just to limit opportunities for excessive gifting.

I've suffered from OCD and depression. Truthfully this will continue to get worse and worse until you put a rule in place, these conditions often react well to rules. So I'd speak to mil and say, we love you however our house is getting too full and we want lot to appreciate his stuff. It's lovely that you get him things however to make it exciting for him we only want him to get one tiny thing every time he see you. We want this thing to cost less than £1. Like one kinder egg or one packet of stickers. You have to stick to these rules as it isn't fair on lo. If you bring more than this we want you to leave it in the car and not bring it in.
Explain to lo that nanny will only give you one thing every visit and if she brings more than one you can pick one to have. Then be really strict and when she tried to bring lots of things in stop lo and say you know you are allowed to pick one, which one item would you like? And then get mil to take the rest back to the car and explain that lo can pick one of those next time. Say how exciting it is to get one thing and really enjoy it. You are going to have to really strict otherwise it will all just get layered again. Not easy but you can manage this and change the behaviour.

Perhaps this is an opportunity to teach your child about empathy and generosity? Maybe you can show him some child-oriented videos of poor children elsewhere in the world, and help him come to the conclusion that he should give some of his toys away to help them?

I would definitely intercept things like chocolate and maybe store them up as a Christmas "gift" for classmates.

Firm words and interception. If she refuses to comply, there is the leverage that she can't see your son until she accepts what she is doing.

Agree a plan with her (like a reward chart) for what she can do with him and for him instead of buying stuff.

Don't let your child become spoilt - it will store up problems for him down the line. Hard to be firm, but got to be done.

Either she stops the gifts or she can't see him unless empty handed. And mean it!

I would try to return to the shops. But that's not easy if packaging has been burst open.

I think one in one out might just work esp if the one out is given to Granny to take to charity shop.

Can she afford it, OP? Are her meds under control? It's a pretty out of hand gesture - 50 Kinder eggs!

I think you need to approach from all angles - your DP & yourself telling her No More and meaning it (refuse gifts at door); your DS understanding that one new toy in = one toy out; donating to charity; talking with her medical support team if necessary; diverting her to a "better" obsession (books not chocolate; felt tip pens not expensive toys etc).

50 kinder eggs?! I hope he didn't eat them all!

I agree with pps who have said that this needs tackling head on, because it's a MH issue and it does no good to just ignore this.

Take up the suggestions of confronting her at the door, it's in your DS and her interests.

Also get your DS's Dad to have a talk to her about how she's feeling and her medication/therapy, or her NOK.

The issue with compulsive spending/hoarding is that the behaviour can be passed on and it is up to you to protect your DS's wellbeing.

Do not ignore/stay silent/just pass the stuff charity shops, one-in-one-out doesn't work when it is daily buying and is unfair to the child.

First of all, I think you and/or DH need to speak to her about how she's feeling and whether she might need her medication reviewing. Presumably, she is aware that she has a problem and is being treated for her bipolar disorder, so I think it would be perfectly OK to have a conversation with her and point out that her behaviour suggests she is becoming unwell and might need to review her treatment.

Secondly, I do think you need to be firmer with her. She obviously has a spending disorder, as you say, but that doesn't mean your son has to be her outlet for that. If she is determined to spend insane amounts of money, she can spend it on things other than toys and Kinder eggs. If she is going to be visiting, call her before she comes and tell her she is on no account to bring anything for your son and that if she does bring anything, he won't be allowed to keep it.

I also think you need to regain a bit of control over your own household. I'm pretty sure if I handed 50 Kinder Eggs to any of my friends' kids, their parents would let the kid have a couple and put the rest away somewhere to be dished out as occasional treats now and again, or they'd hang on to them to go into party bags at the kid's next birthday party.

"Can't intercept" Yes you can, I did it with my MIL!!

She wasn't as bad as yours, but she used to bring around random crap and food, all the time, We lived on the same farm at the time.

I told my children that whilst it was lovely that Grandma brought lots of presents, it had all got a bit much. She would just hand stuff over, and I would take away most of it and say we would have it later.

I would tell your MIL that this cannot go on, that she is welcome to bring one thing when she visits, if she wishes, but everything else will be put aside for a later date. the charity shop.

YOU need to control this OP!

Of course you can intercept it!

About the Kinder Eggs, did you let your DS keep them all, or did you give him one and put the rest away?

He's looking for a reaction OP, hoping that this will play on you'd mind, don't give him one.
Just crack on, like you were, the party will be lovely, and your Son will be in his element.
If you're ex wants to sulk, let him.

Just get used to being 'the bad guy' for a while, unfortunately you got automatic membership when you birthed your child.

My mum had a different issue (still linked to mh) where she arrived with armfuls of 'stuff'. Some would be cooked food, newspaper clippings, lemons from her neighbours tree, some random mail-order catalogue, a weird abstract 'gift' for dd, a list of topics she wanted to talk about. Nothing wrong with this intrinsically, but she'd barge in with no greeting (and no response to ours) and launch into an 'urgent' 50 minute monologue on it all. Bloody exhausting, and quite sad when little dd sat expectant and confused that nonna was ignoring her.

I came to the point you're at. The big NO. For 6 months I literally opened the door by stepping out and pulling it closed behind me. I'd take the bag(s), put them down. I'd hold her hands, look her in the eye and wait. Then I'd say 'hello', and kiss her cheek. If she didn't say it back (but started babbling on), I'd close my eyes and wait. Wash, and repeat. Sometimes this panto took 15 minutes.

I had to ignore the 'looking like an idiot' part, ignore the 'wishing she'd be normal' thing, etc. I stuck with it for what felt like forever. I still have to do it occasionally (she's a 'give an inch, take a mile' type). In general, she got the message. I wasn't talking at her, making it clear she had to change and why what she was doing was wrong, bad, abnormal, etc. I just set a boundary about it happening in my house.

If I were you, I'd create a magic imaginary barrier against 'stuff' that circles your house (and tell her about it in writing). Everything she brings goes into a box (outside). Let her know it'll be delivered back to her house monthly (or on whatever schedule you visit the PILs). She can choose one thing to bring in, you say smiling. If she sneaks more past you to your dc, you just take it out of his hands, outside to the box and wear the tantrums on both sides. No comments, no exceptions. The upset your dc feels at this is nothing compared to the shock of being a spoilt baby in a tough adult world one day, right?

Sometimes you just have to be the bad cop, and patrol your patch without shame or embarassment. It'd be nice if everyone understood and appreciated your (researched and considered) motives, but so what if they don't? You only have your conscience (and your future adult child) to answer too.

My dd has a dgm like that but she has toned it down after 7 yrs, I didn't mind really in the younger yrs I wasn't in a position to provide outside of birthdays and Christmas so was nice that my dc had things.

Her dgm is savvy in the way that not everything is new but everything is good quality. If she buys one baby doll for dc she ends up with about 10 within a week.

Recently dc has been taking things for granted so we have all reigned it in, not spoilt but just expecting to get she wants without understanding how they come about.

I used subtle hints like saying the toys she comes in with get left on the table as soon as she comes home and never looked at again, plus she eventually seen my dc room and realised for herself it can't keep going on.

Having seen similar, from DM not MIL, one thing I realised was that DM, having had a very deprived childhood, was actually buying stuff for the little girl she had been who had received almost nothing while growing up.

My approach would be interception and leaving a bin liner full of the stuff in front of MIL's car for when she is ending her visit. But this requires a firm hand and support of your DH.

Skittlesandbeer gives good advice.

Sugarpie wrong thread!

Yes indeed, really don't know how that happened @Motoko, ah well, appologies all ! 😄

Thanks for your advice everyone. DH has had a word with her today to get her to calm down her spending. Apparently she didn't agree with him and we will have to see what happens next time she comes to our house. With regards to the 50 kinder eggs(!) she gave them to my son when he was at her house and he returned to ours with a massive bag of tiny toys/kinder containers but no sign of the chocolate! 😱

Then she doesn't get unsupervised access to your child.

Your child your rules. Yours and your DHs

I cannot understand why you're being so passive about this. There is no way it would be allowed in my house. Just stop allowing it - you're too afraid of rocking the boat and the tantrums IMHO.

She turns up with toys - intercept and say it's too much, either take them back or I'll pass on to charity. Remove them.
She hands toys over directly to bypass you - you remove them from your son in front of her and say I'm sorry you're disappointed DS but granny knows she shouldn't but can't help herself. Granny will take these away or you can give them to a charity. Remove them.

You could suggest she puts the same money she would have spent in a bank for his education/future.

YOU are allowing this. Your MIL is unwell and it is up to YOU to ensure it doesn't affect your son. If you don't this to happen then make it stop.

I cannot understand why you're being so passive about this.

Indeed. If it's got to the stage that your child is being "spoiled" by it, it's been going on some time. Anything she gives you in your house is removed, politely, with a "no thank you". And he doesn't go to her house unaccompanied.

You need to take responsibility for parenting him here; he's 6, he doesn't get presents you don't want him to get.

You can't keep pussyfooting around this, I know she's ill but that doesn't give her carte blanche to behave how she likes whilst everyone else just sucks it up. Man up! ;-)

This does sound like a MH problem rather than just someone who is a spoiler.
First off is there anything you and Dh could do to ensure she is getting some proper help with this. Compulsive spending sounds like something that could get her into a lot of trouble.
If you have done all you can with this I would then move onto setting rules about what she can give ds. I'd allow an amount that a normal grandparent who likes giving gifts might give. My mum always brings dd a couple of small things such as a notebook and some sweets. But whatever you think suitable. Make your rules clear and I'm afraid you may have to be the bad guy in this scenario.

I think you need to remove unsupervised access tbh.

She clearly has no idea how damaging she is being.

She let him eat 50 kinder eggs at her house- what was the time span? A couple hours? A couple days? Either way I wouldn't be leaving him unsupervised with her, she's not mentally fit enough for the task. Are you struggling for childcare?

Also how old is she? I had a couple friends elderly parents whose first signs of dementia was obsessive spending. Regardless it sounds like she needs to get some help.