AIBU

[Anon7690]

I'm genuinely unsure if I'm being unreasonable so all views welcomed! Sorry if long.

My husband split with his ex 6 years ago, mainly because she was unsure of her feelings and kept asking to go on breaks so she could decide if they had "chemistry". When they finally split up, my husband and I grew close. She struggled to accept that and started texting and calling saying she had made a mistake and realised that she wanted to marry him and have his children. He called it off with me in the early stages to try and sort his head out. I was upset but kept my dignity and walked away. Two months later, he asked for another try so we did but the contact continued with her threatening to take her life unless he spoke to her. We weathered the storm and she eventually stopped. There's been a few weird things since but I won't bore you with that. We are now married with two small children.

Very sadly, the ex's dad has died and she's understandably devastated. My husband wanted to pay his respects at the funeral. I had misgivings but realised this wasn't about me so didn't object. Since then, the contact has started again. Initially, saying she needed someone to talk to about it and now saying she wants to meet for coffee and she doesn't understand why they can't be friends just because he has a family just?!

The contact is on his work phone rather than his personal phone which I fear is to try and circumnavigate me and she puts things like "I like you" smiley face and "hope you don't ignore me" winky face. He has been honest about the contact after an initial issue of him concealing it and me being honest about how that made me feel.

Am I being unreasonable to think that a friendship after 6 years of no contact isn't realistic? He's ignored some of the contact but feels that he now needs to speak to her. I'm concerned that because he is a good egg and because she is clearly in pain, he'll struggle to get his point across which may open the door further.

I don't want to add to her distress but I'm feeling the need to protect my little family and she has shown time and again to have a complete lack of boundaries when it comes to my husband.

Any ideas what to do next?!

Given the past history, I would struggle with this. And I fully accept and applaud my DH's female friends. YANBU.

Surely in the past 6 years she has friends, partner and siblings etc to rely on. She would seek emotional support from them.
Your DH must be aware that she is vulnerable at the moment and any encouragement could be misconstrued.

How does he feel about this renewed contact? Has he told her that sending personal messages (I like you) to his work contact numbers is inappropriate. Are you worried there are still unresolved feelings?

All good questions, thank you.
I'm a bit worried that their experience was all based on her calling the shots and him responding. So they are both used to that pattern. Our relationship is much more equal - which I know is better, but has left me feeling a bit taken for granted as I'm the "reasonable" one (and of course I'm not grieving).

She is an only child but does have other friends, however is single. My husband talks about it being AGES ago but I think 6 years is a long time to someone who has gone on to have a wife and children but no time at all to someone stuck in the past. He hasn't told her it's inappropriate to call at work. In fact he used his work phone to call her which is when I put my foot down and told him he was (naively or otherwise) encouraging it and I needed to know about contact between them. Even that felt controlling.

He is friends with another ex and meets up with her all the time - I'm ok with it. But this one feels different probably because the end of their relationship impacted so heavily on the start of ours. I want to go down the "ignore" route, mainly because I'm not convinced husband will be able to be firm enough (need to keep remembering she is grieving) but it doesn't feel like a very adult way of dealing with it!

Oh and with regards how he feels about the contact - he says he feels sorry for her but that's it and he wouldn't jeopardise his family life. He wouldn't literally need his head examining if he walked away from what he has to go back to that but men do stange things sometimes

would

You're better than me! I am not a jealous person but like fudge I'd let a woman who almost ruined my relationship early days back into my husbands life

If she only wants to be friends then invite her round. You guys are married & I assume are friends with each other's friends. Be the bigger person but do it on your own terms - if they want to meet for coffee then tell her she's welcome & you'll happily put the kettle on. No reason why they have to hang out on their own & put either of them in a vulnerable situation which could be misconstrued.

YANBU

But, as others have said, call her bluff and invite her round. Let her be a friend of the family.

She is a toxic nutter and you are best off not letting your DH getting into a situation where she manipulates his feelings. Life is not black and white and the longer he stays in contact with her the more liable he is to get confused/into an odd situation/etc etc - that is no reflection on his feelings for you, it is just the nature of complex adult feelings.

Every spouse has one red card they can pull to say no, you cannot fraternise with this person, they are trouble.

I suggest you take it out of your back pocket!

Your DH is prioritising contact with this ex over your marriage right now. What's he playing at? What is he getting from it that makes it worth directing his attention towards her rather than his wife and kids? Is it an ego thing?

You don't sound remotely jealous, you seem totally comfortable with him having friends and seeing another ex, but you're right to be wary about his contact with this one as you know she wants him back and tries to start trouble. In a committed relationship friends are great, opposite sex friends included, as long as they respect your relationship and are friends of the relationship and support it. The second someone starts causing trouble trying to drive a wedge or flirting etc they need to be gone.

What's really sad here is that your DH is happily going along with this, when it should be him that's telling her to get lost and setting some boundaries (which regarding this woman I think would only healthily be no further contact). Why doesn't he seem to care about your discomfort and want to protect your family and marriage?

You were very big in being okay with him attending her dad's funeral but I'd have had a big problem with that given the drama she brings and the lack of respect she shows his relationship. When my mum died I'd only split from my ex of your years for six months yet i'd have found it very inappropriate for him to attend. The fact her dad died doesn't negate the drama that giving her an opening would bring into your life. Yes it's sad but she will have others to rely on. Was your DH even close to her dad since the split and spending time with him?

In short you don't have a problem with this woman my dear, you have a massive problem with your DH. For whatever reason he's prioritising contact with an ex he knows is trouble and wants him and is at risk of damaging his marriage and family life, over your very understandable concerns. It shouldn't be on you to police and sort this out. I'd really struggle to want to be with my OH if he was showing me that little respect and putting an ex above us when she's such bad news. I wonder if he likes the idea of being desired by the two of you.

He hasn't told her it's inappropriate to call at work cos he wants her to. His actions say everything you need to know. I'm sorry. You need to find your strength and stop being a doormat, it's not controlling at all to expect your husband to protect his marriage and kids over someone from his past who causes trouble. I'm so sorry. Your gut is telling you some stuff you need to listen to here.

She's manipulating him and, horrible as it is to say, she's using her dad's death and his sympathy to do so.

I have no issue with people staying in touch with exes and we've even been on holiday with one of DP's, but not when boundaries are being pushed like this. I'd also have read him the riot act about concealing the contact.

Do you know, I considered that but I think she'd take up the offer, feeling that the door was open, she had my blessing and would then ramp up the contact with him. You know in fatal attraction where Glen Close tried to befriend the wife - yeah, that! I'm also not sure how I'd introduce this woman to my children

Really bad idea, IMO. I know my DH would be very unhappy about this scenario.

Bitter & twisted ex's are a PITA but, from my experience is to starve the fire of its oxygen.

Invite her around, be uber nice to her & she'll soon lose interest. She's winning at the moment as she's causing a wedge. Don't let her split you up by stealth

All very helpful guys thanks. I'm generally a very easy going type (basically her anti-thesis) so I'm doubting all these red flags and whether it makes me unreasonable. You're helping to galvanise me. I have already told him we'll be off if there's anymore secret contact (although I got the classic, "I'm being honest with you and you're still having a go at me" when he showed me the latest round of emojis last night).

I think (hope) that because he sees the thought of them getting back together as absurd, he's assuming she's coming from the same angle. I'm pretty sure she's not.

On the plus side, MIL is in my corner. She is not one to mince her words and has made it clear what she thinks about their contact.

You don't have a pet rabbit do you?

Haha, was going to put that but thought I might have been getting carried away! Do you ladies genuinely think you can do that, be super nice (even if it's fake) to someone who has caused you quite a bit of grief. I'm not sure I could!

Not quite the same thing, but when I was at school I went out with a guy for a while (I say school, 6th form, we were 17-18) and his ex wasn't happy about it and would harass us and him. This was in the days before mobiles were so common, so it was all notes and stuff in the classroom, and what have you. I can't remember it all now.

Anyway, many, many, many! years have passed since then, I am married to someone else completely, nothing to do with anything from school. Haven't had contact from ex boyfriend for at least ten years. Haven't had contact with his ex since we left school.

Who should move into the house next door? That's right, BF's ex. Great. She is married (no kids), and works from home, in an office in the garden (which I'm a bit jealous of, to be honest!).

She clocked me putting the washing out and has taken to abusing me over the fence, clearly she is still bitter all these years on (nearly twenty years now). I couldn't give a crap, it's been so long, so every time she starts up (and seriously, she sees me come into the garden, either to do the washing, or playing with the kids or whatever and she is out of her little office like a shot). So I've started inviting her in. "I need to get on with cooking the dinner, would you like to come and join us?" "I can't hear you over the kids playing, would you like to come over and join in?" "I'm about to put the kids to bed, but if you want to pop over in an hour, I'm happy to put the kettle on and have a natter."

She has yet to take me up on it. She's also starting staying in her little office more. She just looks daggers through the window. I seriously couldn't care less, it was SUCH a long time ago.

I think it's time to sit your DH down and tell him that you're not comfortable with there being any further contact whatsoever. That he can either message her and tell her that it's inappropriate to continue talking and then block her, or just block her and evaporate. It really shouldn't have come to this, your DH should have done this of his own accord and it's embarrassing for you to have to be the one to try and put boundaries in place. But I'd rather that than be the one standing back, fuming quietly and being ridden roughshod over while he keeps 'chatting' to a woman that literally jeopardised his chances of being with you.

He's banking on you being your usual chill non jealous self and taking huge liberties with his behaviours because he thinks you'll just allow it.

It's clear that you're not just thinking that secret contact is inappropriate, you believe ANY contact is inappropriate, so why not stand up for yourself and tell him that? Right now he's having his cake and eating it!

Even once this passes it sounds like it's gonna be hard to trust him in the future. Any man who prioritises speaking to an interfering ex that doesn't respect his wife and mother of his kids over doing the decent thing and shutting her down and going no contact isn't exactly showing he's going to be faithful in mind and body to his wife. He's opened the door and let her into your marriage. So disrespectful. I would genuinely struggle to stay with my OH if he did this. Neither of us would dream of being in contact with an ex unless both of us were happy with it and transparent about the reasons. He can't have it both ways, being married to you and in touch with this woman, he seems to think he can though and so far you're allowing it.

No yanbu your husband has no reason to keep in touch with this women if they had children together that would be different but they don't there is no reason I can see at all (other then kidsl) why anyone needs to keep in touch in with ex ,s you are ex,s for a reason.

Jay -wow. There's some really interesting women out there. I wonder how any of them do particularly well in life. This one tried to get a job where husband and I both work a couple of years back. Thankfully it came to nothing but have to confess to feeling pretty sick at the thought of it.

I think I'm going to "help" him construct a text to her (on his personal phone to get it back in that sphere) Key points:

• she should not be contacting him at work (even I don't do that and we have two children to discuss).
• it's unrealistic to think they can re-commence a friendship after 6 years when so much has happened since (for him at least)
• it's disrespectful towards me and the kids given how much her behaviour impacted on the start of our relationship.

I think he does need to reference me, not to make me out to be the bad guy but to show that he's at least considering me when she clearly isn't.

Anything else?! Apart from "kindly piss off"

Kity - fair points really. I wouldn't consider breaking the Family up for this yet but I have told him that it wouldn't be wise to keep testing where my limits are.

I've got the Mya song Case of the Ex on loop in my head...

YANBU. This is an inappropriate friendship for your husband to continue.

Kity, you've actually given me some phrases that I think are important to say - particularly around it being embarrassing that I'm the one having to put the boundaries in. I am grateful for your advice

I honestly don't think your husband needs to, or should, say anything other than "It's not appropriate for us to maintain a friendship given our history. My family is my priority and always will be. Please don't contact me again. I wish you well in the future."