AIBU

[Anon7690]

I'm genuinely unsure if I'm being unreasonable so all views welcomed! Sorry if long.

My husband split with his ex 6 years ago, mainly because she was unsure of her feelings and kept asking to go on breaks so she could decide if they had "chemistry". When they finally split up, my husband and I grew close. She struggled to accept that and started texting and calling saying she had made a mistake and realised that she wanted to marry him and have his children. He called it off with me in the early stages to try and sort his head out. I was upset but kept my dignity and walked away. Two months later, he asked for another try so we did but the contact continued with her threatening to take her life unless he spoke to her. We weathered the storm and she eventually stopped. There's been a few weird things since but I won't bore you with that. We are now married with two small children.

Very sadly, the ex's dad has died and she's understandably devastated. My husband wanted to pay his respects at the funeral. I had misgivings but realised this wasn't about me so didn't object. Since then, the contact has started again. Initially, saying she needed someone to talk to about it and now saying she wants to meet for coffee and she doesn't understand why they can't be friends just because he has a family just?!

The contact is on his work phone rather than his personal phone which I fear is to try and circumnavigate me and she puts things like "I like you" smiley face and "hope you don't ignore me" winky face. He has been honest about the contact after an initial issue of him concealing it and me being honest about how that made me feel.

Am I being unreasonable to think that a friendship after 6 years of no contact isn't realistic? He's ignored some of the contact but feels that he now needs to speak to her. I'm concerned that because he is a good egg and because she is clearly in pain, he'll struggle to get his point across which may open the door further.

I don't want to add to her distress but I'm feeling the need to protect my little family and she has shown time and again to have a complete lack of boundaries when it comes to my husband.

Any ideas what to do next?!

You're very welcome my love!

All of those points for a text to her are too fluffy and avoid saying what actually matters, which is that she's no longer to contact DH and he will not be responding to any attempts to make contact. If I got that text I'd know it was mostly from wife and there's a lot of plausible deniability cos it doesn't actually tell her to stop messaging!

'name, I've come to realise that it is in no way appropriate for us to have any further contact. I hope you are able to get the support you need as you grieve for your father, and I am not going to be able to provide that. Please stop messaging me via any method of communication as I have blocked you and won't receive or respond. Wife and I wish you well for the future, DH'

I've got to say Anon7690 that you sound so erudite, level-headed and intellligent. Have you thought about a career in politics? I'd vote for you.

I get your unease. She is manipulative and self centered. She enjoys having people on a string so she can tank that string and have them come running whenever she is bored and woe betide anyone who doesn't jump to attention the minute she demands.
You are uneasy because you know she doesn't really give a shit about your husband, or you and you suspect she is selfish enough to not give a shit if it puts a strain on your marriage. She may even get a kick out of having the power to potentially destroy it.

She's a game player who likes to toy with other people's lives. That's what's making you feel uncomfortable.

Ah jemmy, bless you. Nothing better for a girl than the kindness of a stranger. Ps thank you for the intelligence remark but, hands up, I had to Google erudite 🤣

Meh - spot on lady 👍